My secrets to reveal

It’s not even 7:30 yet and I’ve already packed a lotta living into this day. I woke up at 5:30 to go to trainer, and what I like to do when I’m getting dressed is talk to my Google Home. The night before, I lay out all my exercise-y clothes in the living room so I can get up, brush teeth, get clothes on and walk out the door.

Every morning, whether I’m going to the trainer or not, I say, “Good morning, Google.”

“Hi. June.” It always says it like two sentences. And it literally calls me June. Hi. Delusional.

“It is 69 degrees. Today it will be sunny, with a high of 93 and a low of 69.”

I’ve noticed that early in the morning is generally when you get your low temp of the day. It’s all downhill from there, in the South.

On weekdays, my Google Home tells me how long it would take to get to work, and if it’s really early it says five minutes instead of the usual six and I get a small thrill. I used to have sex.

Anyway, as I was pulling on my shoes, I asked Google Home, “What’re YOU gonna do today?”

“I plan to sit quietly till someone asks me a question,” it said.

Maybe I’ve been single too long, but that gave me the giggs. Oh, I giggled at that. Someone at Google headquarters thought of that one day, just to amuse me and my ilk.

I was still giggling over my Google Home, thinking of asking it to coffee one night, when I opened the door and there was Mil with The Enemy.

Milhous lives in two houses now. The people next door are home all day and they own Sissy, his personal girlfriend. My cat has more dates than I do. Anyway, often when I come home for lunch, I’ll see the people next door doting over Milhous, feeding him and petting him while he winds around their ankles or just sits in the shade of their yard. Usually when he sees me he leaves them and enthusiastically jumps their fence to come over to our yard, which is good. I still want him to like me better. Although, really, why should he?

Anyway, last night he didn’t come home at all. I was at the door “kitty kitty”ing a hundred times and nothing. My theory was he was sleeping over there–they keep the back and front doors open most of the day because they don’t have AC, which, ugh.

So when I left the house at 6 this morning, before it was really light, I didn’t expect to see not only my own cat but the big orange cat–the mean one everyone fights with–on my porch.

But there they were, just hanging out. Clearly Milhous has charmed everyone in the whole neighborhood now. Oh, and you shoulda SEEN Big Orange Cat huff off like he was still tough. Bitch, I just saw you sitting on my lacy patio furniture. You practically had your pinky out.

Then on the drive to the trainer, I saw two dogs loose on this sort of country road I take. Naturally, I did a U-turn, and I wonder now how many times in this life I’ve U-turned for some animal. There was a house a ways down with the kitchen lights on, and the dogs looked well-fed, so I decided they’d just been let out to roam the field, and I did not kidnap them.

They were not there on my way back.

But on the way back, I was listening to the ’70s station, and remember that song The Things We Do For Love?

Like walkin’ in the rain and the snow and there’s nowhere to go and you’re FEELIN’ LIKE A PART OF YOU IS DYIN’. Remember that song?

I do. I remember it was a big hit in 1977, which my radio informed me on its screen but also just because I remember being in 6th grade having a spelling bee, and we had the chairs lined up all around the perimeter of the room, and you moved up if you spelled well.

I don’t spell that well. Maybe you think I’d be a magnificent speller but I’m not.

Anyway, I was about third or fourth down the line, and I remember whisper singing that song with Darlese Bamberg.

How come any time you tell a story about anyone from school they have names like Darlese Bamberg? It’s never, This one girl, Joan Smith…

So I’m singing along to it this morning, legs shaking from the trainer, eyes peeled for the field dogs, and I’m all, “Too many nnn-nnn-nnn have fallen in the sea–riverrrrr. Too many nnn-nnn-nn have drifted in — out to the riv–seaaaa.”

And it dawned on me: I been singing along to that song since aught 77 (Dear June: That’s really not how aught works) and WHY DON’T I KNOW THE LYRICS YET? WHY????

I remember being in the car with my ex-best friend once and she was singing Magnet and Steel. “For you are a mountain and I am steellll.” I got SO MAD. HOW could you sing “mountain”? It doesn’t even make sense. Magnet and Steel. IT’S THE NAME OF THE SONG.

But there I was, Too many unh unh unh have fallen seaa–no riverrrr. Am I much better? Also, I’m sorry, but I’m gonna need everyone to run out and get their hair done like this guy and send me photos.

I have to go. Maybe the rest of the day will all be downhill from here, like the temperature.

Warmly,
June

70 thoughts on “My secrets to reveal

  1. That was a great post. I think your Google home beats Siri any day. Siri is guaranteed to piss me off 99 percent of the time. She is always telling me the wrong thing, the wrong place, or just completely ignores me and there I am driving like a dumb ass shouting HEY SIRI!!?!?! 5 thousand times. Oh just thinking about it I’m getting steamed. Also she’s pulled the ol I don’t know who YOU are business with me way too often. Bitch!

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  2. Guy perms are now in style. I was getting my hair done yesterday and a teenage boy walked in and got a perm. My stylist said it’s in and a lot of guys are getting that style. I was so intrigued! It’s shaved and then the top is just permed. I didn’t hate it.

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    • LOL! My son has that style, but the top is naturally curly. I didn’t realize how lucky I am, because I’m certain this diva son of mine would want perms if it wasn’t curly. SMDH. Oh, and I hate it. I just want to shave that boy’s head so bad. I have 3 daughters (2 are teens), and he spends more time on his hair than the three of them combined.

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  3. How did I miss this yesterday? Only June could take an event that could be summarized, “I got up early and went to the trainer.” and turn it into something so entertaining. Thanks for noticing the beauty and humor in the everyday. (every day?)

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  4. Our next door cat, Bob (named so because he lacks a tail) likes us better than our own cat. Then again, he will let a screaming toddler pick him up, so Bob’s not all that particular.

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  5. I’m feeling left out. Maybe I’ll get google home just to have laughs. Also, yes I know the song. Late. Again. To the party that is. Who me? What’s sex?

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  6. Practically had your pinky out!!!!!
    Also, your memory floors me. I barely remember my childhood let alone what I was singing with whomever during the spelling bee. I don’t think you have to worry about dimensia.

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  7. Hilarious post and what great comments today! I have misheard and then remembered lyrics incorrectly all my life. Until I got Sirius XM radio I never knew I was not hearing them clearly to begin with. The FM radio world needs to pick up their game.

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  8. I think it’s awesome that Millhous invites his friends to come hang on the porch with him. He’s so popular! I laid down for a quick nap when I got home from taking the kid to camp and woke up 5 hours later. Happily the camp goes 6 hours so, yay. I would never be able to have a 5:30 alarm for the trainer. I’d show up at noon.

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  9. “I used to have sex.” Nearly spit out my drink.

    Funny post, Joon! Also I think you are always destined to have one adventurous animal at a time. Milhous has replaced Steely Dan with his roaming antics. Also I am 100% sure that Steely Dan is living his best life somewhere.

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  10. So much funny. Post, comments, song lyrics. First off, Big Orange Cat tryin’ to look tough on the lacy furniture. I’m picturing a cushy pillow, too. Hilarious!

    Song lyrics topper — My husband had me giggling like a fool at his mother’s funeral when he quietly changed all the words to “Shall We Gather At the River” and turned it into a tribute to the woman’s love of fishing.

    I’m that yahoo in the bar standing under a speaker with my phone over my head trying to SHAZAM something. Love that app, though, sadly, it’s really cut down on arguments. Some of the most hilarious conversations I’ve had dealt with who did a song and what the lyrics were. Now, we have Casey Kasem in our pockets.

    Siri IS annoying. Sadly, she doesn’t respond when I say “Hey Dumb Bitch” because I’m ALWAYS calling her that.

    Fun post, Coot.

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  11. I use my Alexa for mainly the weather. I wonder if I can set her up to greet me like Google does.

    I’ve used her for measurements too, like how many teaspoons in a yard or whatever. Math is not for me.

    Then, on occasions where my brother in law and his friend are over, we will ask her rude questions like we are all 12 year old boys. She will fart on command.

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  12. We got Google Home because it was part of our home security package. I have no idea how to make it turn my lights on and off or have it play music or really do anything else other than answer basic questions. I finally turned off the main thingamajig in our living room because it would randomly start talking despite nobody saying anything even close to “Hey Google.” And let me tell you, when you hear a strange voice coming from your living room in the middle of the night, you practically wet yourself in fear. I supposed I could always Google (see what I did there?) how to use my Google Home.

    And speaking of cats, we have Senor Gato/Mr. Kitty and then our neighbor’s gigantic orange cat started hanging out on our porch. Yeah, maybe because I lure him over with catnip and Friskies but so what? I love that big cat so much. He and Senor Gato tolerate each other. They will engage in some trash talk and then they flop down and chill together. Then the other night, I opened my front door and there was yet ANOTHER cat but it ran away. Oh, and then a cat who lives around the corner comes around but the other cats don’t like him because he’s VERY vocal and has crazy eyes although he’s kind of a sweet boy, just socially awkward. Plus also too, we have the raccoon family: Kevin, his wife Joan and their son Randy who like to visit our porch at night. They also like the catnip. My catnip brings all the critters to the yard and damn right, it’s better than yours.

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  13. I too have difficulties with lyrics. Thought it was “one toe over the line” for years. Worse than that was I had to have toke explained to me when I discovered real lyrics.

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      • https://www.songfacts.com/facts/brewer-shipley/one-toke-over-the-line

        The incident that sparked this song happened at the Vanguard in Kansas City, Missouri. The band was playing the show because, in seeking to escape the LA music scene, they started a tour of their Midwest homelands. Shipley reports that he was given a block of hash and told to take two hits. He ignored the advice and instead took three. Shipley recounts in The Vinyl Dialogues, “I go out of the dressing room – I’m also a banjo player, but I didn’t have one, so I was playing my guitar – and Michael (Brewer) came in and I said, ‘Jesus, Michael, I’m one toke over the line.’ And to be perfect honest, I don’t remember if Michael was with me when I took that hit or not. I remember it as ‘not’; I think Michael remembers it as ‘yes.’ And he started to sing to what I was playing, and I chimed in and boom, we had the line.”

        Brewer also remembers the occasion. “I just cracked up,” he said. “I thought it was hysterical. And right on the spot, we just started singing, ‘One toke over the line, sweet Jesus,’ and that was about it; then we went onstage.”

        Some radio stations refused to play this song because of the drug references, but not everyone got this meaning. In 1971 the song was performed on the Lawrence Welk Show by the wholesome-looking couple Gail Farrell and Dick Dale, who clearly had NO clue what a toke was. Welk, at the conclusion of the performance of the song, remarked, without any hint of humor, “there you’ve heard a modern spiritual by Gail and Dale.”

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  14. Darlese! The spelling bee!… memory lane…the word I spelled wrong? Renowned. I spelled it renouned. Can you believe Mr. Brandt could just smoke at his desk?

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  15. One night we were bored and were asking our Alexa random questions, so I finally threw out “How do you give a BJ?” there was a pause and then “I’m not comfortable answering that question.” HAHAHAHA.

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  16. I need to utilize my Alexa for more things. I usually just use her for music in the bedroom. Bitch knows shit, I should take advantage of that.

    I love the Shazam app on my phone. I am terrible at knowing the names and artists of songs so if I hear a song I like I will open Shazam and it tells me the name of the song, the artist, the year it was released and it gives me the LYRICS! I have learned the words to so many songs that I have known for years, but didn’t know all the lyrics thanks to Shazam. I highly recommend. It also connects to iTunes so if it’s a new song I can immediately add it to my music library.

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    • I love Shazam. Like my coworker Griff, I hear new music the most often when I’m at Rite Aid (or the gay bar, which Griff did not mention as a particular treasure trove of music, but it is for me), but I often Shazam that shit.

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  17. Looks like ole Walter Eagen loved himself a little too much in that video. With the eye rolls and smirks. Of course I have to watch all the videos you include!

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  18. I literally just read the words to Aerosmith’s Walk This Way because the other day I was signing along with the radio and realized I knew about 10% of the lyrics, mostly consisting of “walk this way, talk this way” and “hey diddle diddle with the titty in the middle.” I suddenly wondered what the heck they meant by “titty in the middle.” NB: There is no titty in that song. Also, that song is filthy.

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    • Woman. If you think that’s bad, you probably shouldn’t look up the lyrics to any song written in the last 15 years. That ain’t nothin’. I’ll never forget hopping in my high school son’s car to move it in the driveway one day and having “Face Down Ass Up” come blasting out of his radio. And that was from like 1990. So maybe avoid the last 30 years of music.

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  19. ‘I used to have sex.’ Killed me. I too felt like I have lived a lot today. I woke up at 3;30 am and could not go back to sleep. I decided to still attend my workout because otherwise I would lay there AWAKE and be all miffed because I didn’t sleep AND I didn’t workout. So, I worked out.

    The guy whose hair you wanted us to mimic- I thought it was a female. My hair is close – but stringier. I actually have hair envy of that guy. Sad. I know. I went to the mall last night to get my watch fixed. It will be sent out and take 10-12 weeks. What? I hate being without my watch. Anyway, I caught a glimpse of myself in one of the 80 million mirrors at the mall and I cringed and wondered why I allowed myself to leave the house on such a bad hair day. Summer has been so insanely busy that I cannot remember when I got my hair cut last. Might be time.

    Your cat is a social wonder.

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  20. Sometimes I comment and my POS phone does not cooperate. Nothing important anyway. Now I am grouchy Lovely post, pretty getting so fit Joon.

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  21. Milhous and his antics and friendships are making my morning.

    I love my seventies music. I was a senior in high school for said song. 1977 looms large in my memory.

    Lovely post, pretty Joon.

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  22. I commend you for getting up soooo early to go work out. By the time we picked our small garden it was almost 8:00 a.m. and 82 degrees. The 69 degrees sounds heavenly. Presently, it is 87 degrees and feels like 104! I think all my activities are going to be inside the rest of the day. I don’t recall any of these songs, but in 1977 were trying to get our house finished in order to get a CO (certificate of occupancy) even though we moved in December 1976. We didn’t get the CO until April 15, 1977. HOW can I remember that? I don’t know. I love that Milhous has charmed the neighbors, yet he comes running when you are home, he knows who rescued him from the shelter. He’s even charmed the other cats. My cat, fmr., would have had fur all over the porch and yard. I’m amazed that Mil is such a gentleman. I bet he’s telling the neighbors you don’t feed him.

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  23. You’ve probably already figured out that it’s “broken hearts” and “lonely souls” as the lyrics. Speaking of 12-year-old boys, do you know how the band 10 cc got its name?

    Our Tiger is an indoor cat but he has a friend Black Cat who comes and hangs in the backyard. Tiger waits for him and then they stare at each other and watch birds together.

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  24. Lovely post, Coot.
    First and foremost, I have kitties next door. They are little, they are feral and I don’t know what to do about them. My husband wants to trap them and have animal control pick them up so they don’t get ran over or worse eaten by a fox. I am allergic to said kitties or I would have them in a basket feeding them milk toast and singing wrong lyrics to them.
    Second how cool that Mil has become the man about town. And he has a posse. Love it.
    Third, I have sung so many lyrics wrong. Such as Pour Some Syrup on me. I guess I thought I was a pancake. Or can we ever forget the unforgettable classic Walking on Bent Grass?
    The weather is hot, humid and no wind. You might as well take a hot shower, not dry off and go stand in front of a steamer.
    Have a lovely day.

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  25. I once trained Siri, who was set to a male voice with an Australian accent, to address me as “my queen.”
    One day I was driving with my daughter when she was home from college and I gave her my phone to ask Siri something (we were trying to find a store, I think) and when she got the answer she said “thank you, Siri” and the voice said “you’re welcome, My Queen.”
    OMG the look she gave me when she said “you’re just really proud of yourself, aren’t you?”
    I really was.

    Then one day I asked Siri to “call Mom” and he said “I’m sorry, I don’t know who Mom is. I also don’t know who YOU are.”

    We broke up that day.

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  26. I always make up my own lyrics when I forget the words and it so random nothing makes sense but cats on the porch! – I feel like it is like the Jets and the Sharks but with cats

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  27. My daughter has Google in her room, but all she has Google do is turn the lights on or off. My husband now has Alexa in the bedroom (pffft. he wishes) and similarly, all she does is lights. She is also in the living room but I think had a breakdown when I was binge-watching Schitt’s Creek. There is a character, Alexis, and every time someone on the show said her name, Alexa would perk up for naught. Her little light would spin around eagerly and …. nothing. So she’s in therapy now. I have Siri on my phone, but truthfully? She’s an idiot and annoys me. I’ll ask a question when I’m driving because I can’t look something up and Idiot Siri will say, “here’s what I found on the web.” Bitch, I’m driving, which is WHY I asked you in the first place. She is going to find herself sailing right out the window on the parkway one day. My son also has Siri, but has her set to a sexy female accent AND he has himself in his contacts so she addresses him. But he didn’t put his name in his contacts. He will, for example, ask for the weather (oh, I have another separate story for that!) and we’ll hear in a sexy female accented voice, “Today’s weather, Mr. Mudderfucker Jones, will be clear and in the mid-eighties.”

    As for song lyrics, for years I thought was “my old big dick was my witness,” (I know) when it was actually “that muddy river was my witness” or something.

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  28. I don’t have a Google Home or Alexa. But Siri is a dumbass. A couple of months ago, my gay husband and I were in an area of Atlanta we’re not super familiar with when he got a craving for a cupcake. I asked Siri where the closest bakery was and she said, “Okay, I’ve found one bakery near you.” She proceeded to recommend a place over 240 miles away in Florida.

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  29. How did these folks get deflected by the mention of lyrics? The point is cats! Mine was totally stolen by neighbors who insisted they couldn’t stop feeding her because they enjoyed it so much. After three months of never seeing her again, I called and told them her rabies shot was due. They said, “Well, you know where to find her.” I said, “Exactly. It seems as though she’s your cat now and I hear they found a rabid bat in the village, so if you’d like to protect her and yourselves, I’d suggest you get her a rabies shot.” Oh the fickle ways of cats when you get your third dog. Enjoyed your morning ramble.

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  30. I love all those one hit wonders. I can lose half a day on you tube watching old videos. A lot of them have a lyric on screen video and you can see all the words you’ve been singing wrong for years.
    Lovely post, June.

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  31. Do you have a hard time getting out of bed? It is my biggest downfall. I. Plus get things done like a true grown up but I snooze button my morning away.

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    • Are you asking me? Maybe we should have a rule that if someone is asking me something and not responding to a thread I can’t see in email, that sais Q should start, “June…?”

      Anyway if you mean me, sort of. I wake up right away but stupidly look at phone for awhile, which I heard is the worst thing you can do for your brain.

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  32. I hate when I’m singing a song and I mess up the words! Your Google Home sounds a little better than Alexa. The boy asked her How to get the stink bug smell off your hand and she told him to call the police. We do enjoy telling her to bark like a dog to freak out the cat. He gets even more annoyed when she meows like a cat. It’s OK for us to do this to him because he is a jerk of a cat.

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  33. I have listened to numerous songs lately and realized I have sung the lyrics completely wrong my whole life. My lyrics made no sense. I commend you for getting up early and going to workout!!

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  34. I am old enough to know these songs but young enough that I have no idea who the artists are. Although, sometimes I wonder if the 70s were just filled with one-hit wonders and nobody really knows who they are! Off to sing my way through my workout (leg day…God save me).

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