Here has been my life since my August 21 auto accident NOW WITH CONCUSSION:
I took a whole buncha pictures of my feet at every single doctor and chiropractor appointment I’ve had these last weeks. Today, after I saw the doctor again and could finally turn my computer back on and upload all those iPhone photos, I see several of the photos are gone. Which, why? My concussion won’t tell me.
It really sucks, because some of the I’m-lying-on-that-moving-table-at-chiropractors had some very cute shoes in them. (The last pair you see above are from Roxy.)
No one cares that my feet are missing other than me. But I was so looking forward to dramatic shot after shot of my feet at some doctor. Much like my old series of Ned looking at menus.
I was also looking forward to the doctor saying, “ALL CLEAR!” today and me getting back online, running through my apps like George Bailey at the end of It’s a Wonderful Life. Instead of, “Merry Christmas, Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building & Loan!” I’d be all, “HELLO, INSTAGRAM! WELCOME BACK TO MY EYEBALLS, FACEBOOK!”
However, when I went to the doctor this afternoon, for a change, it turns out my screen time is still limited. I can be on 4 hours a day for now. Starting tomorrow I can return to work for 4 hours a day (which will count as my “screen time”), see what that’s like, then return to the doctor after work Wednesday to see how I did. If I did okay, I can go back full time, and also back to my internet addiction full force.
That means I will also be allowed to return to my trainer, a thing I look forward to because I have to weigh in every time I go to the doctor and if they’re making a Hee-Haw movie, I can surely play the part of Lulu right now.
I hope we can all take a moment to enjoy my current reference.
As you know, because I’ve mentioned it four hundred sixty-eight times, my computer screen time was restricted, as was TV viewing, reading, movies and physical activity. This means I officially became a housecat these last weeks. All my photos that survived are of, in fact, housecats, and I suppose also Edsel who is officially a dog, but also kind of a cat.
Here’s my problem. I just have the one. But here it is:
I mean, I love all my fosters. But oh my god I extra special love her. It’s partly that I’ve been with her almost every second since August 21. It’s also that she’s really smart, and does all sorts of cute smart-cat things like look up at me while she runs to her dish to eat LIKE A JACKAL.
But also she’s so beautiful.
I can’t keep her. I can’t have four fekking cats. So my question to you is, which one do I return so I can have her instead?
The other thing I figured out I could do, other than stare at cats, was shop. I shopped too much. But it was literally my only entertainment.
I went to the garden store:
I also went to Belk and bought nothing. Sephora, nothing. Ulta, nothing. DSW, nothing. I shopped in stores I never go in, like the luggage store and Lane Bryant. I’ve never been in Lane Bryant in my life.
I visited Target and PetSmart. I went to various grocery stores.
There were photos of these excursions, but see above re mysterious concussion-y deletion of photos.
The only thing I did buy was a Denman brush at Sally Beauty Supply (it’s a Curly Girl thing) and this cat condo I’ve had my eye on for years. YEARS! It’s from the local pet supply store, the one where Talu and Edsel knocked down that display that one time.
Anyway, here it is.
It literally cost 14 million dollars and no one has used it yet other then when I place them on it and say, ENJOY THE FUCKING CONDO. Nothing’s more relaxing than your concussed mom screaming at you. Nothing makes you want to lounge on furniture more than being placed on it pointedly.
It’s cool, though, right? It’s what Astro from The Jetsons would have sat on had he been a cat.
Anyway, that sums me up at the moment, and I realize I am 100% not interesting right now because am housecat with no life.
Talk to you soon. Oh! I also looked at my photos. Here’s what I found:
A, that’s the grandmother I’ve turned into with B, me and my hurr. Why did all grandmothers have that lamp with the round table around it, and where can I score one currently?
I gotta go walk through my saloon doors now and into the kitchen for some odd pink wafer cookies.