Tag, you’re it

Well, my first and second full days back at work were without incident. I still wake up with a slight headache every day, which annoys me and is probably a tumor.

The other news is I’m vv worried about Iris. She’s so sick. I’ve taken her to the vet three times. Not only does she have her irritable bowel disorder, allegedly (I’d only know for sure that’s what it was if I did a biop$y. How much do you like me for spelling it like that?), but she’s got a really bad upper respiratory thing going on, like, really bad. Again, I’ve gone to the vet 3x.

They gave me this lysine to sprinkle on her food and that helped for awhile but now it seems to make no difference. Like, how many times do I take her back only to have her seem to get worse?

She sounds like Regan in The Exorcist. Currently she’s Darth Vadar-ing in the backyard, where she wanted to go. I figure at this point she can have anything she wants. She lay in the $4 million cat condo literally all night. (I got it whilst I was convalescing and could only shop for entertainment.)

(No one will go in that cost-of-a-trip-to-Paris thing unless I put them in there, although finally Milhous will scratch the post occasionally now) (note that Milhous immediately jumped in that $4 box I got at Target to replace that basket.) (That basket was part of my wedding shower gift from my Aunt Mary in 1998. In it were bath/pampering things, including this giant powder puff my cat at the time, Ruby, immediately took from the basket and carried in her lips, looking like a fluffy all-black cat with a giant white powder-puff face.) (I let her keep it. She carried it around till it was small, gray and scroungy.) (Anyway, now the basket is 21 years old and raggedy, with one of the arms being just wire, so I replaced it with this fine $4 box/cat bed.) (Say, June, parentheses can go too far.)

I was sort of afraid to check on Iris this morning, is my point, lest she be dead. That’s how bad she sounds. When I get up in the morning, Edsel and I open the bedroom door and usually there is a cacophony of cats greeting me, and when she wasn’t among them today, I felt ill. But there she was, hunched on her million-dollar condo.

Poor Iris. She’s had so many lives. I hope she survives this cold, too.

The only thing I have to tell you other than that is that last night, after dinner, I had a hankering for a place I’ll call Minnie C’s. It’s this local dessert place that’s huge with the Christians. I’ve no idea why. The lack of alcohol, maybe? But, like, it’s clearly where the youth group goes to party after whatever it is youth groups do. Do they exchange God trading cards? “I’ll give you my Pontius Pilate for your Lot’s Wife.”

The place is filled with very presentable, employable-looking people, is my point.

It’s also delightful in there. They keep expanding, (but never doing anything about their crappy counter system, so there is always–always–a line out the door. I think maybe they think it’s charming or speaks to their popularity, but what it does for me is make me never want to go in there more than once every three years) and there are couches and fireplaces and comfy chairs and the decorations are charming AF (The Nester decorated it) and any time anyone around here says, “We went to Minnie C’s” everyone else replies with, “Oooo!”

But get it together, Minnie C’s. Starbucks and your similarly Christian Chick-fil-A can handle crowds. There is no earthly (or heavenly) reason cake-buying should take that long or be that complex. Have multiple places to order. Make your counter horizontal to the door. Have the cakes displayed so we see them all while we’re waiting, not one apiece as we walk the line, so we don’t have to decide last minute. Make your checkout system faster. Be snappy, FFS. Or whatever the religious say in place of “FFS.” Great horn spoon, be snappy!

Anyway, there I was, in a LINE at 7 p.m. on a Tuesday, for heaven’s sake, and as per usual there was a gaggle of groomed women in front of me. They probably all posed under their Blessed kitchen sign beforehand and put a hashtag “cake with my ladies” under their Instagram post.

The point is, they were all attractive and nicely dressed and so on, but the woman right in front of me had her tag out.

I don’t mean she’d put on her shirt hastily and the little tag at the back was up, a thing that drives me berserk. Can’t you take that half-second and check that?

No.

This woman had a COLLECTION of tags, hanging from that thin string of plastic new clothes are on. There was the brand name tag (Ralph Lauren! Nice!), the store tag, the toe tag, the tag you’re it. She had a tag team up in there.

I was riveted.

How was she not noticing she was hosting a tag party, over there? How was it not weighing her down? I was sad to see the price was ripped off. Maybe the shirt had been a gift. Also I couldn’t see the size. Another disappointment.

The point is, this started to tickle me.

Then I got the bad giggs. You know the kind of giggling like you get at a funeral, where you know you can’t be giggling so it gets worse? Oh, I tried to look behind me, and up at the sky where God was pursing his lips at me as per usual. But I couldn’t stop giggling about the tag lady.

Finally, I had to leave because I looked insane, and also waiting 45 minutes for 7-Up cake wasn’t worth it to me. Seven-up yours, Minnie C’s.

I hope I lost weight from not eating cake and from giggling.

XO,
Ralph Lauren

54 thoughts on “Tag, you’re it

  1. 9 times out of 10, I feel ripped off at high end bakeries….like I paid $8 for one slice of cheesecake when I could have gotten an entire cake of the same thing/price at the grocery store.
    Positive nasal vibes to Iris, she’s had a rough year or two.

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  2. BONUS! I was out of town yesterday and missed your comeback post til now
    Love Sid and Nancy, glad you still have contact with white kitty.

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  3. I can tell you that one thing MY church youth group did was play Bible trivial pursuit. No, really. And my grade won two years in a row, partially because I really like to win. How Christian of me.

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  4. Do they exchange God trading cards? “I’ll give you my Pontius Pilate for your Lot’s Wife.” PLUNK!!! I am on the floor. HILARIOUS POST! Except for the part about poor, sweet Iris. I hope that sweet baby is better. My cat, fmr., Emmy Sweet Pea had some type of upper respiratory something once and I thought she was dying. We rushed her to the vet ER and they used baby nose spray on her.

    I was in a meeting this morning when I read this post and I almost lost it, I had to STOP because I was going to end up with the giggles and that was not the place for the that to happen. Your are as funny as ever, being concussed has not stopped your great writing.

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  5. Oh, Iris, feel better soon, sweetie. June, I’m so happy you’re able to work, post, and (I hope) read all you want now.

    I was taken to the cake place once–oh, boy–by my sister, who makes standing in line bearable. She used to entertain my kids in the endless Sunday lunch line at Bishop’s Buffet by telling them her version of old Star Trek episodes. Good times.

    Now I want cake.

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  6. My third cat arrived with kennel cough and gave it to the other two, so all three have herpes now. I just put a gob of L-lysine gel on them every day, and it seems to keep the snot at bay. Twice a day if they seem snotty at all. One of my cats was snotty in the past and it turned out to be a dental issue. Poor guy.

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  7. Kitty herpes? Why do I think if any of the pets of June were to contract that, it would be Lily? She’s so pristine, you just KNOW she has a lurid past.

    I hope little Iris feels better soon!

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  8. My sister, brother and I got the giggles at my aunt J’s funeral. Our aunt E. was having an IBS attack. She was bent over getting Imodium out of our Aunt P’s purse that was right in front of my brother’s chair. She farted and it was awful. My brother said, (after she left), “I can TASTE that.” OMG, we were all giggling, including Aunt J’s grandsons who were sitting accross the aisle and got a wiff too. My other sister, sitting in front of us with our parents, turned around and hissed, “What is going ON back there?” We had to explain. We had laughed the whole way up in the car, my Aunt E. is very strange and they were telling stories about her behavior at my parents house (she flew in from CA for the fineral). I had bladder control issues and had peed my pants from laughing on the way up. I had packed extra pants, undies, pads and wipes just in case. You’d think we would have laughed enough on the way up but no. Aunt J. would have laughed with us and thankfully the service had not started yet.

    I hope poor Iris gets better. Glad your noggin is getting better, funny Joon.

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  9. You can order your slice of cake online and then pull into a spot in the back and they will walk your cake out to your car door past all the blessed, taggy women.

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    • I remember Chris of Chris and Lilly did that once, because he doesn’t live remotely nearby, owns two businesses and has two small children. But while he was waiting, he was all, I am such the horrible white guy sitting in his car waiting for a cake delivery.

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  10. Our local bakery is owned by a winner of the Food Network’s Best Baker in America, so you can only begin to imagine the lines there, especially during tourist season, which I why I have not had one single dessert since last spring. Do I look thinner?

    Were you tempted to reach over and tuck the tags in? That’s what I always want to do. I never do, but I had someone do that for me once and I appreciated it.

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  11. Poor Iris!! Hopefully the vet can give her stronger antibiotics to knock the respiratory stuff out of her. I’m glad your having her seen by someone else.

    I also have snot-covered belongings like Tammy. I scrub some part of the walls and many windows and doors at my house, at a kitty height level, on a weekly basis. My girl has chronic sinus infections and allergies, so she’s a big snotty ball of snot too. My vet has her on permanent antibiotics, every 3 days, to keep the worst at bay. It doesn’t ever slow her down though. Her favorite way to wake me up in the morning is to run up on my bed, come to a screeching halt, and sneeze in my face. Thanks, honey.

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    • My best episode of inappropriate giggling was at my fiancée’s funeral. He was black, and black funerals are very different from what I was used to. I’m from a very sedate Methodist church, and his church was very charismatic AME. They had a part in the funeral (which I now understand is very common) noted as “The Reading of the Cards and Condolences” where the family selects sympathy cards from friends and family and someone is chosen to stand at the front and read each card – the front, the inside, and whatever salutation the sender writes in the inside. Yeah, was just kind of weird to me. As it went on and on and OOOOONNNNN it just got more and more ridiculous to me. And then someone (not in his family) started this mournful howl after each card was read. By this time, my eyes were big as saucers. I remember looking out the window of the funeral home and there is a bar right beside the home. I recall thinking “Wonder if I can just sneak over there, have a few and get back by the time this is over?” Then I think days of exhaustion took over and I got the giggles. I put my head down, trying to stop. My sister sitting beside me, being a good sister, grabs my hand, thinking I’m sobbing, and then realizing I’m giggling and starts giggling too. My best friend was sitting right behind me and told me afterwards that she sees my shoulders heaving and she panics, thinking I’m overtaken with grief, and what should she do? Then, she said, all of the sudden she realizes, “That bitch is laughing!” To this day, whenever we’re together and laughing, all it takes is one of us to say “And nowwww, we will have the reading of the cards and condolences….”
      I’m sorry, God….

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      • Damn, I went to a viewing for a former co-worker at an AME church. I would have loved to have gone to the funeral too. Now my death hag butt has funeral envy. Sorry, Sharon, RIP, and sorry God.

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    • It’s just the grossest thing ever, especially if she’s sitting with me when she does it. My daughters have all experienced getting snotted on, and they get hysterical (and they are grown). I wish there was a better treatment!

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  12. Poor Iris!! I’m sorry to hear she’s been “poorly”. Sending warm kitty thoughts her way.

    Regarding Sidflake, I’m confused. Didn’t Ned adopt Nancy the mother cat you fostered? Is Nancy no longer with us or did Ned just add Sidflake to his cat harem?

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  13. Get well soon lovely Iris!

    Our local trendy bakery is small with hardly any seating. I hate ordering to stay in when I see a group has finished eating only to end up eating from a saucer while on my feet as they take selfie after selfie.

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  14. Poor Iris. Those giggles are the best. I remember getting those exclusively at church as a kid but not a kid young enough to get away with it. Always landed me in trouble. I too hate a sticking out tag. My sis once went to movies and her then ass hole, abusive husband had a tag on his new pants. Like the clear long stickers that are like 10 inches long. Did not notice it till they were on their way home. I was at their house babysitting and my sister was crying she was laughing so hard. Ass hole was all shaking his head like who cares. I knew he cared though. To his core. He is a narsocist so no one could correct him. Thanks for reminding me of that memory.

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  15. Awe, I hope Iris is better soon. I get the giggles everytime I shouldn’t. Once they start there us no stoppping them. Then the giggle tears come.
    Glad you are feeling better.

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  16. I love it when I get the giggles, unfortunately, I have to leave whatever room I’m in to gain composure. But they say laughter is the best medicine do I’m good for a decade or two.
    Sending love to sweet Iris!

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  17. I started giggling when I read “the bad giggs.”

    Also – do you think the hoity toity lady kept all the tags on bc she planned to return the shirt after wearing it?

    Also – now I want cake. I don’t know what this 7-Up Cake is, but I want it.

    Hugs and pets to Iris.

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    • I was wondering the same thing about the tag. And also thinking she ripped off the price part because it had a sale sticker over it. While she might get away with saying, “Oops…forgot to remove the tag!” she couldn’t possibly let people think she’d paid less than full price. I’m so cynical.

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  18. Can I just say, Greensboro really seems to have lots of cool stuff. The vintage movie theater, the antique shops, and on, and on… I found the dessert place’s onliine pics and stuff. Such a charming place. Those cakes! How do you stay so slim?!!

    Good and healing kisses to Iris!

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  19. I second your thoughts about Minnie C’s! They’ve got some good stuff in there, but it’s almost not worth going because the line situation is so ding dang frustrating.
    I’m sorry Iris is feeling poorly. I do hope she gets over her cold soon.
    I went to the dentist yesterday and I got a pink toothbrush. I thought of you when I saw it in my little dental goodie bag. Hopefully that means good things are coming in the next 6 months!

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  20. Your story immediately made me think of my former mother-in-law. She would do that: buy things, not take the tags off, wear and return. She bought a $200 dress to wear to my then-husband’s graduation, wore it to said graduation, then RETURNED IT THE NEXT DAY! Oh, I was appalled. (Apparently I still am, 20+ years later.)

    Am sorry about sweet Iris. My Delilah has kitty herpes, so she sneezes, hacks and blows snot over all my belongings…maybe Iris has developed something similar? I know nothing about veterinary medicine.

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      • Delilah has been on antibiotics off and on since I got her (two years ago). Her snottiness will *occasionally* clear with them, but as soon as she stops the meds, the hacking and snotting return. It’s super fun!

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  21. I’m sorry to hear about Iris and hope she’s back to her killer self soon. Now I’m worried about her, too. I think she needs a shot from the vet. Of what, I don’t know, but I’m sure that would help. Wearing something with the tag still on it is one of my worst nightmares. I’m so paranoid about it that I check and double-check that I’ve taken it off. I did go to work one day with that sticky tape thingy stating the size on the leg of my jeans.

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  22. I hope someone who works at Minnie C’s reads you and fixes that issue. I HATE to wait in line.

    I’m sorry about iris. Times like these I wish I’d learned something productive in school like veterinary medicine (or plumbing, or car repair) so I could give great advice that would fix her right up. But my schooling is worthless so I will keep hoping she improves soon!

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  23. Welcome back! I’m glad you and your concussion are doing well.
    Poor sweet Iris. I hope she feels better soon.
    Cats can be so contrary. Buy them a condo and they prefer a box. My daughter’s boyfriend bought a really nice water fountain for her cat. She was so repulsed by it that she stopped drinking water until they removed it entirely.

    Speaking of giggles at funerals, my sister and I dissolved into uncontrollable laughter at our father’s funeral. We made the mistake of making eye contact when the guys folding the flag bobble it – twice. (It was 40+ years ago, but the memory lingers.)
    Enough about me. Great post!

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  24. Maybe she was one of those people who wear clothes with the tag on them and then returns them to the store. (Like Jack on This is Us last night). I can’t believe people actually take the time and effort to do that. I hate shopping and I especially hate returning things. I have been known to not even return things that don’t work. I hope Iris feels better soon.

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  25. Minnie C’s sounds delightful and frustrating all in one beautiful space. Tags that are turned up make my skin crawl. It’s about presentation people! Complete the outfit with your tag tucked in. Gah!

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  26. Tag party. Ha! The designer version of NASCAR sponsorships. Lovely post, lovely Jube!

    CommandoBarbie (too lazy to login, and no desire to be anon)

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