ADD it up

Here’s my problem, and I’d like to once again point out that it’s delightful that I keep identifying just the one.

Here’s my problem du jour. Du life.

I woke up a few moments before the alarm, and that’s not a problem. That’s good. But what I did, then, was once it went off, is I was already awake and thinking of stuff I should be doing. “I should weigh myself,” I thought, and then remembered how Herman Munster weighed three spins. He told his doctor once. The scale spun three times when he got on. I don’t know why that tidbit stayed with me all these years but it did.

I got up to weigh self.

I’m on a new diet. Noom.

Unfortunately, I get the Zoom theme song in my head every time I say “Noom,” and then I eat a cupcake.

Anyway, they tell me, the people at Zoom do, (“Ohhh two onnne three fourrrr“) to weigh in every day. Yesterday I got on and weighed three spins.

Today, I got up, and oh, I should let Edsel out first. He looks pee-y. He never wants to go out before we go to bed, and all the cajoling in the world won’t get him out. Some nights I dress like a sexy tree in hopes of getting him to want to lift his leg, but no.

Once Edsel was out peeing the world, I started looking for my glasses. I can’t possibly see the damn scale without my eyes on. That number is 400 feet away, with these eyes.

My glasses aren’t on my nightstand, but oh! My self-care journal! When I was concussed and had nothing to do every day, I went shopping a lot. It was among the two things allowed. So at Soft Surroundings (Menopausal Surroundings), they had on sale a self-care journal, because apparently no one wanted to spend money on caring for one’s self.

It’s a 90-day journal, and you put in how long you slept, what you ate, did you have alone time today (HAHAHAHAHA), nice things you did for yourself, and crap like that. If I don’t fill it out every day I’m a FAILURE LOSER.

I filled it out.

Oh, the cats are restless. They saw me get up, so they’ve all leaped to the dryer for breakfast. Except Iris, who can’t get up there anymore and is there anything sadder than a declining animal? Iris sort of walked under the dryer, hands in front of her like Helen Keller.

So I fed everyone, including w-a-t-e-r circling-the-drain Iris, with her special food on her special chair separate from the hearty with vegetables cats up on the dryer eating the regular cheap stuff with relish. Not literally. I own zero relish.

Where are my glasses? Well, I might as well make coffee. I might as well refill the water bowl, too, while I’m up here.

Then I sneaked Edsel’s pills into his dog food. He takes two right now, he takes two, baby, me and you, and I slip them into pill pockets and into his regularly scheduled food like an underworld spy or the wife of a close friend.

Wife of a close friend.

Well, now he’s heard his food go in the dish [psst: now with pills], so he’s scratching at the door.

Geez, I have to pee.

Oh! Here are my glasses! In the bathroom! Yay! Wait, why did I need glasses?

And that’s why I weighed myself 45 minutes after I initially thought, “I should weigh myself.” And THAT, my friends, is my problem.

44 thoughts on “ADD it up

  1. Can you please briefly explain Noom? I’m naturally skeptical anyway. They advertise without saying anything except that it works, which is what they all say. For example, I don’t want to scan bar codes, I want to eat food that doesn’t have bar codes.

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    • Not necessarily barcode scanning but do need to log food to track calories. The idea is there’s psychological help tailoring it to you. Your mentor person messages and you try to find out together what your barriets are to work round them. My friend did it and get main issues was shift work getting in the way. She was given ideas for meals that could be batch prepped so something healthy was always at hand. Ideas given for better mid shift snacks to prevent grazing on junk. Ways to redirect her thoughts so she waited until actual meal times rather than automatically feeling the need to eat purely as it was four hours since the last meal. She found it really helpful at first, but after a certain period the one to one support drops down to group support and she was less keen.

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  2. When I was five, Zoom was my favorite show in the world. So much more grown up than Sesame Street. Also when I was five, we moved to a new house. The zip code was 22134. Best. Thing. Ever. Whenever Zoom was on, instead of singing 02134, I got to sing 22134. I was honestly very smug about it. I have always considered that to be one of the major highlights of my childhood. I never thought I’d have a chance actually talk about it. I still feel smug about it.

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  3. Well, I do a little of this and a little of that – and hope that by the end of the day I will have something to show for it. Organization? I think that part missed me along the way. Can’t do it. Flying by the seat of my pants – hey it has worked so far….. no worries, June!

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  4. Oh, I understand this ADD, it took me an hour to make four smoothies this morning…I kept getting distracted, I needed to put a load of clothes in to wash, oh, I need to start cooking that wild rice…I drive myself crazy. Sweet Iris, I hope she will improve. The dogs attacking her really affected her health. Makes me really sad for you and her, she’s such a special kitty.

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      • So I don’t have to drag the blender out each morning. Saves me a lot of effort, in addition to suffering from difficulty staying focused, I’m basically lazy and look for short cuts. Those four smoothies will be breakfast for me the rest of the week, unless Mr. Tee decides he wants a smoothie instead of oatmeal.

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  5. I too want a photo of you dressed like a sexy tree. Still recovering from pink eye so wearing my awful glasses that replace my contacts. I cannot read with vision glasses on- have to flip them off. Cannot read with contacts in- have to find my always misplaced reading glasses. You are not alone. What qualifies for self care? If I make a job chart for my messy kids today, is that self care? Because I can then take care of stuff I care about vs being their made.

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  6. Laughing my ass off about the whole swim team.
    I can’t deviate from my morning routine or my whole day will be off.
    I’m the same with vacuuming, I have to do it the same way.

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  7. If you ever DO dress like a sexy tree, please take pictures and share them! i think that’s hysterical!! I’m so sorry about sweet iris. It’s sad to see our dear, furry companions age and decline. I, too, am frequently focus-challenged…normally in my speaking, rather than actions. Kinda stream of consciousness bopping from one subject to another, all with great ease and full understanding of what the heck I’m talking about, mind you. Those around me sometimes just can’t keep up. What’s wrong with them, anyway??

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  8. Open the blinds, pee, feed the cat.
    Quality time under my light therapy box, read June, and take some pills.
    Then, and only then can I prepare to meet my ADHD day, in all its glory.

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  9. Your morning sounds perfectly normal to me. And the glasses are always an issue. Thankfully I have a few old pair with old prescriptions. I need to have glasses on to find my glasses. Sad but true.
    ADD is causing quite the chaos here as I try to pack up our house for a move to AZ. You’d think packing one room at a time would be most efficient but I can’t seem to do that. So there are boxes, and paper, and tape, and bubble wrap EVERYWHERE! No wonder I can’t find my glasses.

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  10. Speaking of Carly Simon, have you read her book, “Boys in The Trees”, it was sad and insightful. As far as the old age forgetfull-ness goes, shake your head a bit to try to bring the thought back to the forefront.

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  11. I kept reading, waiting for the problem to pop up. Because essentially you just described my every waking moment. I try to tell people that I’m just being efficient, filling pockets of time with useful tasks. In reality I’m just keeping busy while I try to remember what I walked into the kitchen for in the first place – because I know it’s not the other three things I thought of once I got there. And it’s not age – I’ve just always been this way. Except for a brief period of time when I was a teenager. I remember my mind could stay very very quiet and I could lay outside in the sun for hours… just that one summer though. Weird but true. Now when I’m sitting I’m just constantly thinking of things I need to do. Sometimes I’ll start making a list, just so I can sit for a bit and not look like a lunatic.

    Love you June, just the way you are.

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    • Do you know what I remember about summers lying in the sun? Also, why the suspicious mole, June? Anyway, what I remember is eating HALF A CONTAINER of blueberry yogurt for breakfast, and the other half for lunch. I wasn’t trying to be thin, I already was. I just got FULL after half a container of Dannon yogurt. My mind was still as spinny as ever, though.

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      • All through high school I lived on a Twinkie and two cartons of milk for lunch – one white, one chocolate, mixed. I never ate breakfast and I convinced my mom that I had eaten dinner while I was doing my homework. And I was a busy, active teenager – WHY WAS I NOT COLLAPSING LIKE A HOLLYWOOD CELEB? My parents thought I was buying hot lunch every day with those two quarters – nope. Just the Twinkies.

        Now I am ready to parish if I don’t have three squares a day plus snacks.

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