June weighs in

I don’t want you to get excited or anything, but since starting my diet this week, I’ve lost a pound and two ounces. I should totally do before and after pictures where I hold out m’pants.

I think it’s because I was already seeing a trainer, but I’m vv motivated this time around. I am so sick of looking like a sausage. And I want to see the results of my workouts under my yards of Queen Victoria in her later years flesh.

Yesterday evening, I saw said trainer. And by the way, driving over there at 5:20 p.m. differs from driving over there at 6:00 a.m. as I used to do. Mother of god. Apparently an obscene lines of cars at all the lights at 5:20 p.m. is the fashion.

Back when I had my tiny blue roller skate car, I’d put the top down and watch the sun come up while I drove the empty roads to her place. Remember how I saw those two dogs in a field? And a house in said field with its kitchen light on? It was like driving through 1940. It’s different at 5:20.

Then I was bashed in the rear, so to speak, and got off the trainer’s early-morning roster, and I just now noticed that roster and rooster are very similar in spelling, which is funny because on my way to her house each morning, the rooster in my neighborhood would cockadoodledoo at me as I would head to my car at 6:00 a.m. I love that rooster.

Anyway. So last night I’m on the elliptical, there, at the trainer’s house. She has a whole gym on her first floor, which is a garage converted to a gym, a den and a bathroom. Then there are stairs to her next level. It’s a townhouse. It’s like the perfect setup, really.

MY POINT IS, oh my god, that I was on the elliptical last night, and I said, “In my mind, I’m just a thin person who’s having a rough patch. …For the last 27 years.”

And it’s true. I DO think that. I just assume you all know I’m actually thin, I’m just a little bloated right now.

For exactly half my life, I was rail thin. I was the “Where do you PUT it all?” girl. Then one day everyone was able to see where I put it all. And I can’t even say my weight has yo-yo’d much. I just progressively gain a pound or two each year.

There were times it’d go down like 10 pounds. When I first did Tracy Anderson. When I first moved in with Ned. When I stuck with Weight Watchers for a summer.

When I moved in here, the weight just fell off me in buckets. It was quite a sight. “What was that?” “Oh, just some fat off my hip.”

I was packing and throwing stuff out and moving furniture and lugging goods to the curb and shoving that chair into the next room FOR TWO MONTHS EVERY DAY. Maybe I should quit this high-powered career and go into working for a moving company. I’d look fantastic.

But then life went back to normal and I gained that 10 pounds back. And went back to thinking I really was a thin person in a bad stretch.

Once, I was fighting with a boyfriend. It started out innocently enough–I’d wanted to talk about something I was worried about with his family. To say he took it the wrong way is an understatement. He leaped from the couch.

“I am so sick of you,” he screamed. This didn’t bother me. He’d always had a temper.

“You are such a stupid bitch,” he gritted, pacing the room. I may as well have been filing my nails, so little did this bother me. “If you could stop yelling at me and listen to what I’m trying to–” I began.

“You’re a stupid, fat bitch.” He cut me off.

And I burst into tears.

I know I’m not stupid. And I know I’m sort of a bitch. So, eh, those hurls didn’t land. But fat? Once he said it, I knew it was true. It hit hard. Oh my god, I AM fat. He’s right.

And why do we think this is the worst thing in the world? And why are 27 of you poised at your computer to say, “You’re not fat, June.” Like I need to hear that in order to go on living or something.

Technically, I am fat. BMI-wise. I had someone at work get rather angry at me once for calling myself that, like I had no right to say I was a member of the club or something. I found myself, at work, saying what my BMI is. So I could say what I wanted to about myself. So I could get into the club.

I’m 9 pounds from having an acceptable BMI (“Those are so SUBJECTIVE,” 96 of you are poised at the keyboard to say) and I’m almost 40 pounds from my goal. And while I think weight and the “fat” label are almost as touchy of a subject as money, I’m still gonna talk about it.

Years ago, some women who used to read this blog got furious with me for talking about my weight. Not theirs. Mine. On my blog. They spoke openly about it on their social pages, then sent me scathing emails about what a terrible person I was. For talking about my weight. On my blog.

Disapproval like that used to bother me, but I’ll always be grateful for that time. They showed me that a lot of what bothers people is more about what’s going on inside of them than anything I did. I mean, I know grammatical errors bother me more than most because it’s what I do all day. And I know calling me “ugly inside and out” because I mentioned my weight on my own blog is indicative of how that person feels about herself. Since then, disapproval rolls off me, most times. Sometimes it gets stuck in my hips.

Also, I think I don’t get as down on myself about it as other people might. When that guy called me fat, I felt bad about myself for about an hour, then went back to the “thin person in a rough patch” denial. Even now, I assume I still look okay even though I’m 40 freaking pounds from where I want to be. The thing is, I want to look more than okay. I want to be all, Heyyyyy. Look at YOU, Miss Thing. I think we should worry more about the part where I wish to call self Miss Thing.

So. Anyway. That’s what’s going on over here. I’m on this diet, and I have a RIDICULOUS day at work today so I won’t be able to respond a lot today (I worked till after 8:00 last night, post trainer, just to feel more in control of work today. Man, did I go from one extreme to the other. Remember before my accident, things were insane, then

BOOM!

I get hit by an SUV and had the quietest month I’ve had since infancy. Maybe the quietest month ever. I probably got to do more when I was three months old. At least I could glance over at Days of Our Lives or whatever. Anyway, now I’m back at work and

BOOM

absurdly busy again.)

(Longest parenthetical ever.)

I think it might not matter which diet you choose or how you go about it. I think what matters is you really have to decide. I think I’ve really decided. Then again, I could be hitting the vending machine for a Payday by 10 a.m. today.

But I don’t think so.

Thanks for chewing the fat with me.
June

P.S. Obligatory pet pictures

59 thoughts on “June weighs in

  1. I am obsessed with my weight. Always have been. Was thin until I turned 38 – am now 50. I’m back to 15 pounds from thin. I hope I get there before I die.

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  2. I feel like there is some blame that should land in the grocery store for the obesity problem in the United States. I don’t have any knowledge to cite here, but I do think that the food we buy today is different than the food we bought back in the old days. It could just be in my head, but I don’t think so.

    I do my best not to think about my weight, or how fat I am. I know I am. There. Now, until I decide to do anything about it, it is moot.

    I am glad you are motivated. I hope you continue! Rough patch–over!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  3. Men know that weight is our Achilles heel so to speak and calling a woman fat is the atomic bomb of arguments.

    My ex knew that my post baby pooch was a big issue for me and used that to really hurt me during our split. I actually got a tummy tuck after getting rid of his ass.

    Men have it easy in the weight department, they still get babes even with a dad bod.

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  4. I would like to list 10 lbs but would settle for 7 – ok 5! People tell me I lok thin but it irks me that I was skinny after 6 kids and THEN I gained a few lbs! No one tells you that aging is gonna screw with metabolism and weight gain. It is like this great secret. I work out fairly rigorously almost daily. That’s what gets me. Shouldn’t I be my ideal weight? This hit home. My heart goes out to people who really struggle with weight. I was blessedwith a good metabolism. I just got old. I totally miss eating whatever I wanted.

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  5. Lots of really good comments. I did the math once and realized that it only took a calorie surplus of less than 100 calories/day to gain 10 pounds in a year. The good news is that we should be able to cut out 100 calories without feeling like we’re starving. And if we moved just a little bit more…parked our car at the edge of the parking lot for example, it would be even easier to fight the scale creep.

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  6. Man, do I feel this. I was good until about 30, then my metabolism headed west, young man. Ever since then my weight has been creeping up and I would always say, OK I won’t let it get past THIS much. Then it would. So I would say I won’t let it get past THAT much. Then it did. 13 years later, according to my BMI, I need to lose 35 pounds to get to the high end of “normal”. Well, I remember when i weighed 35 pounds less and I thought I was a hog. I wish I was only that fat now. There was a brief period in my 20’s where I gained a little bit, like the freshman 15, but I lost it and more after my divorce. I really don’t want to have to get divorced again to lose this weight. I see pictures of myself and I’m mortified. Plus I have one of those chin to neck shapes that give a permanent double chin. Even when I was thin I had that. Now I just look like a giant potato. I think about it ALL the time. I can’t make myself get out there and exercise though. I always have an excuse. We are going on vacation Nov 30 and I am dreading wearing a swim suit.

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  7. What must it be like to have weight totally off your radar ? I’m 63, fat since puberty. And not.one.day has passed without thinking about food, fat, etc. Heaven would be the removal of that tape that is constantly on replay.

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  8. (Sorry for the long comment. I got carried away. But this is something I don’t talk about with friends. )

    Deciding. Not easy. A friend is intentional about every bit of food she eats. She knows there’s a cause and effect between eating and weight (so do I, but I ignore it). She can still get into her wedding dress 50+ years later. I bet she could still get into her college cheerleader outfit. Seventy plus years old, cute, petite, and energetic. I envy her ability to wear cute clothes. She decides every morning at 5:30 to walk around her neighborhood with a friend. Deciding is what I need to do.

    At age 20 I weighed pounds
    30…130
    40…140
    50…165
    60…180 This is the year I retired. Retired from being on my feet much of the day teaching middle school and retired to the desk and easy chair and refrigerator, because…
    70…230
    72 now…212
    It’s hard to look at myself in photos or (shudder!) in the bathroom mirror.
    I should be 150 at the very most. I want to be 199 by January 1.

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  9. Yesterday, after reading your post, I decided to sign up for Noom. This morning was the first time I’ve stepped on a scale in a loooooong time. I officially weigh 100lbs more than I did the day I got married. That was a slap in the face. I think we’ve all had the mindset of “But I THINK I look okay.” I know when I look in a mirror, I don’t see someone who is obese; I see someone who is a little overweight. But then someone takes a picture of me and I’m all “Who is that great while whale?” But I become like Scarlett O’Hara and think “I won’t think about that right now. I’ll think about tomorrow.” Because denial is strong.

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  10. I often reference the time Ned quit smoking by deciding he was going to quit smoking. I dated a guy who did that too. Those 2 dudes paired with the David Sedaris excerpt (I think it was him?) about whatever you want most being what sticks? I think the evidence is irrefutable. Next slide please

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    • He read David Sedaris and got inspired to quit smoking and then just did. I never saw him smoke even once in 7+ years, and before that he was a heavy smoker. It was his first time deciding to quit, and he did it. It sort of pisses me off.

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  11. A couple years ago I gathered all the diet books I have purchased over the years- stacks and stacks of them. After that I decided not to obsess about my weight anymore, eat healthy most of the time and indulge occasionally. I haven’t lost weight but I haven’t gained either and I enjoy myself without feeling guilty. I love working out and exercise everyday, I think this helps a lot with body confidence. I am very curvy and I like my body because of the curves, although when I lose weight I am still pretty curvy. My ideal weight is 130 and I’m at 150 now but I think I still look good except when I see a picture and notice how my body parts are fatter than I imagine. That’s when I slip on my self acceptance attitude- PICTURES. That will set me up for some negative, judgmental thoughts for a couple days.
    It sounds obvious but I highly recommend a stylist to show you how to wear clothes to your best advantage- highlighting your assets, it can really help you to feel better about your body no matter what size (Amy Schumer has some good youtube videos on this).

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  12. I’m right there with you, saw a photo of myself over the summer and gasped, started WW immediately and a few weeks later started the “None to Run” program. Lost 14 lbs so far and more importantly, feeling stronger every week. New motto is “progress, not perfection”, I don’t feel like crap if I miss a week or two on the program, I just start back up again when I can. Nice to have a community where we’re making the same life decisions!

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  13. Dr. Phil said on one of his shows that being fat was a choice. You either choose a life that supports being thin and healthy or one that supports being fat. I almost threw my cake at the television but I hate to waste cake. Bastard has a point. This always stuck with me but i still struggle with weight. Food is my vice of choice.

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    • I think that’s part of the problem right there – there’s a lot of judgment about why people are overweight. Two people can live exactly the same lifestyle and one will be overweight while the other one isn’t. My dad struggled to keep weight on; my mom was always dieting and trying to lose weight. They ate the same, had similar occupations, golfed and walked and gardened side by side, and yet she was always 30 lbs overweight. Genetics plays a huge role in how, why, and when we gain or don’t. The old “eat less, move more” advice is sound, but it doesn’t mean everyone who does it will end up with the same results.

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  14. The last two pairs of pants I bought will barely zip. I never try clothes on in the store anymore so had to find this out at home. I’ve convinced myself that either they marked the size wrong or they accidentally made them smaller than they should have in the stomach. Head in the sand much? Or elsewhere? They may stretch out a bit when I wear them, but I’m afraid of the zipper breaking when I’m out somewhere.

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  15. I always feel like a fat person in a temporarily thinner body. I work out almost every day, track my calories, and am a lifetime member of WW. But because I have gained about 8 pounds i feel like a cow. I get the “eat a cheeseburger ” all the time but i know it is a slippery slope if I don’t keep at it constantly. I can’t imagine not having the “I’m fat” mindset.

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  16. Weighing in to add my own story. I was always the tall, skinny girl. Other than pregnancy, my max weight was 155, which sounded fat to me. I retired two years ago and this year I broke 200 on the scale. My job was very busy and I usually walked 10-12 thousand steps and 10 flights of stairs every day. And when I retired, I just stopped. My mother always told me to be glad I am tall because I’d have room to spread the weight I would gain when I was her age. I don’t want to be skinny, but I do want to feel healthier and fitter.

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  17. “They showed me that a lot of what bothers people is more about what’s going on inside of them than anything I did.” This. This is the nugget that truly resonates with me. Sometimes I let it get to me, then I don’t. My goal is to have this notion take a permanent hike out of my brain, and into oblivion.

    I’m taking a new and hard look at many things in my life (health, wellness, financial situation, home life, etc.). In that light, I have decided to change what I can, work hard at accepting what else I can live with, and maybe, just maybe, letting some things go.

    June, your post may have been about weight, but it’s really about life, the one we are actually living. Thank you for being you, but all of us as well.

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  18. I have the reverse problem. I have struggled with getting my BMI into the good range for my entire life. When it was in that range, I still felt fat. Actually, I felt less attractive when I was thinner because I had no idea how to dress for that body. And also my face was too thin, probably because I was eating crap (fat free crap and a lot less of it, but it really wasn’t healthy – this is back when WeightWatchers was all about points and not about lifestyle choices). I think I’ll get healthy some other day. Today I’m working from Panera, Land of Carbs. And I am a carb whore.

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    • My cousin is a tiny, tiny thing. She eats a lot and I know she is healthy, but I don’t understand how she has the same organs in her body that I do. She looks like Flat Stanley sideways. She hates when people comment on her size, so I have resisted saying anything. I would think of it as a compliment, but she sees it as just as offensive as people saying “you’re fat” to heavy people.

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  19. I, too, was the thin girl who could eat anything and everything. Little did I know with age that metabolism had gone away and all of that chocolate ice cream was sticking around. I had a come to Jesus moment on my birthday in July and got serious about tracking food and making sure I have a 500 calorie deficit every day (addicted to my fitbit). I have been hungry ever since but have lost the ten pounds I gained in the last year and a few more. I am now in what’s lovingly known as a plateau with about 15 pounds to go until I am at the tippy top of the “normal” weight for my height. I can’t imagine getting there.

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  20. I am really shocked every time I see a picture of myself at how big I have let myself get. It is so strange to me that I am so unhappy with my weight but it seems like I have no self control when it comes to food. I decided, once again, that things have to change and joined a weight loss program my health insurance offers. So far I have been tracking my food, staying at my calorie goal and been working out 5 to 6 days every week for about a month. 2 lbs lost. So I am very frustrated, I keep telling myself that i might be building muscles and not only depend on the scale, but I don’t see a difference yet. Someone took pictures of me last weekend and I am horrified! I used to be able to eat everything and anything and was skinny, but the older I get the harder it seems.
    Good luck to you and everyone else struggling with their weight!

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  21. it all about being comfortable in your own skin. Some people can be 40 pounds overweight and are okay with it, living their best life. But nobody should be shamed for admitting that is not where they want to be for themselves. I lost 55# over the past 1.5 years and I physically feel better. No more CPAP machine, weaning off blood pressure and cholesterol meds….
    Great post Joob!

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  22. I don’t remember the weight fiasco from readers. Did you talk about it in the blog? (Gasp!! June keeps some things to herself! Whaaaaat?!) Why do I feel my sister was one of the emailers. It sounds like something she would have done.

    I know I’m fat. I tell myself I carry it well because I’m tall and have an athletic build. I hate it because I am so disciplined in every other aspect of my life but can’t seem to get this under control. The worst part is that I ate horribly for the first 25-30 years of my life and it caught up with me. Throw in PCOS and I’m doomed. I get grief at work all the time because I don’t eat much at all. If I ate this way my entire life I’d probably be the weight I should be.
    All of that said, I’m really trying to be comfortable in my skin. I like myself. I’m smart and funny. I’m a bitch but I’m also very kind, especially to animals, children and the elderly. I make myself laugh every single day. Quite frankly, I kind of adore myself. I’m trying to get to the point that those things are all that matter.

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    • Your sister was not one of them! She’s the one who wrote to say she lost respect for me when I put up a tip jar. How DARE you ask to be compensated, June.

      >

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      • Good grief. It’s not like you force anyone to hit the tip jar. But, speaking of tips, I gladly hit the PayPal.Me
        last week because you DO deserve to be compensated for our daily entertainment.

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        • P.S. I do remember The Great Huff-off by two of your readers. I don’t know if others were involved, but I remember the two and had no idea to what extent they felt the need to insult you.

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      • I knew she did sent you an email over the tip jar which is why I also felt she could have been one of weight warriors.

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  23. Weight and body image are so weird. I could write a bunch more, but it boils down to “weird.” And personal. Hope you kick some butt and get out of your rough patch!

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  24. Oh my gosh that’s the best description!! I look in the mirror and I’m surprised. I mean, I know that I’m fat. No one would argue that except to try to be nice to me. I need to lose half my body weight. But still in my head I think “this isn’t really me. I’m just not back to me yet.” But I haven’t tried until about a month ago. Five years ago I ran a marathon. This year I need to lose 51% of my body weight. I am truly still shocked that I let myself get here.

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  25. Weight truly is a hot button issue. I have been to the outer reaches of obesity, well kind of, not mega obese but up there. 5’3.5″, now 5′ 2.5″, lost an inch ,damn it. My high was 279 and I am small framed. I could not buy clothes anywhere but plus stores and Walmart and catalogs for years. I have lost seventy three and a half pounds. I can finally shop in plus sizes in Marshslls, TJ Maxx, department stores again. I feel thin for me but in reality I am still 205.5 lbs and a size 2X. My body hurts less now,my asthma is much better. My diabetes was wildly out of control and I am working hard on reigning it in before very serious complications set it. I was only thin until third grade. I was fat or battling weight all of my life. Everyone has the right to their feelings about their bodies. Being called fat no longer destroys me like it once did, not by strangers anyway. Having my asshole brother-in-law tell my sister-in-law I must weigh 300 pounds made me angry because it is no longer true and he is thin because he had part of his colon removed and prefers other substances over food. I will always be that fat girl inside, working to get thinner for my health now. Good luck with your lifestyle change, June. I hope to join you in the exercise part soon. PS My new boyfriend is a very big guy, 6′ , quite big boned, and easily 300+ pounds. I feel tiny next to him and that is really nice. My late husband and I were Jack Sprat and wife for so many years.

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  26. I was never a thin girl., so I can’t imagine what that was like. I do recall a time when I was 26 and working out 2 hours a day and damn, looking back I looked good. But that was a million years ago. Now I weigh less than I did then but the collagen is gone so I just look loose and melty and crepey. I’m trying to be ok with it. I’m alive, I can still do most everything and I’m trying to be grateful for that instead of focusing on the negative.

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    • My bat wings and upper thighs are horrific too. Oh well. Like you said, I’m alive.

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  27. Thanks for the honesty. It’s all about feeling comfortable in your own skin. It’s not the scale, the clothes, the comments but it’s more about feeling good as you live your life. I’m a personal trainer and fitness instructor and have some weird brain thing where I love to exercise and food is boring. After having three kids, I struggled for way too many months just like every other postpartum mom. Once you decide that your health is paramount, the rest becomes easier. Not easy but easier.

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  28. I’m trying to improve my labs, they went from mostly green (they are color coded, which is really nice) to a lot of red and yellow. In the process I’ve dropped a few pounds, but not enough to move the BMI peg towards being in the green. Looking at the weight chart I need to weigh 100 lbs., I would be very thin and I’m not sure I want to be really, really thin and wrinkled. I would love to drop at least 30 pounds, but at my age it’s tough. My goal right now is to be pain free.

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  29. “I’m just a thin person who’s having a rough patch. …For the last 27 years” This is the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while. It absolutely describes me too. I was always thin until I was around 40 and had a baby at 41. I never really lost all the baby weight and that baby is almost 15 years old now! I hate when people tell me I’m skinny because it is simply not true. Someone who is 20 lbs overweight is not skinny. Plus they always say it in a way that shows their disgust and it pisses me off. If I were to say to someone “you are so fat” it would be totally unacceptable (and I would never do that anyway). This double standard has always made me mad. Anyway, enough of the rant. Good for you for doing something about where you want to be. Good Luck!

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  30. “What matters is you have to decide.” That right there is totally the key – you and you alone make a choice every single time you eat. It honestly doesn’t even matter that much what you eat it’s more about choosing to eat when you don’t need to because you are eating for every reason other than hunger.

    Good luck on your deciding!

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  31. I’m to the point where I don’t care so much about how I look or even what I weigh – now it’s about feeling good and being able to do what I want to do with my body. I’m not yet 60, but it’s creeping up and I can feel with every passing year how the extra weight is getting harder and harder to overlook. My knees creak and ache and my back gets sore because I’m too fat and those are both things that make it less fun to do the things I enjoy. I don’t want to reach the point of no return. Is there a point of no return? I mean, dead is obviously hard to come back from but otherwise I hope to not be a lost cause.

    And yet on the other hand I’m sick of how much brain space my weight takes up every day. I think about being too fat more than any other single thing in my life. But those fat acceptance people bug me too, because no matter how much you want to love yourself and be accepted when you’re overweight, it’s NOT HEALTHY. I’m not saying we all need to be Twiggy thin, but there are reasonable limits.

    Thanks for putting it out there June. It’s a topic worth discussing for sure.

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  32. In my head… I am in my 40’s (I’m 20 years older) and 40 pounds lighter. My daughter once told my now-DIL that I used to be THIS thin (holding up her pinky finger). That … broke me.

    FTR, I don’t know what my BMI is, but like most women, I’ve also put on basically 5 pounds every year, after my metabolism stopped working like it did when I was 20. So I know it’s not the end of the world, but its a thing about me I do. not. like.

    I feel ya, is what I’m saying. I wish you the best of luck, and for me… nothing a good stomach virus couldn’t help. 😦

    and – thanks for the pet pix!

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  33. I get it. I’m in the same boat. I never had issues with my weight, then about 8 years ago, BAM, rough patch. I had eventually taken it off and looked pretty good, if I do say so myself, when after the holidays last year, rough patch. I was finally back on track when I broke both my feet in August. Talk about a rough patch, I think I’ve put on close to 10 pounds since then. I’m always told I’m a little bitty thing, or I must carry it well. Gee thanks, but according to my BMI, I’m between 25-30 pounds overweight. I’m also currently on steroids, so I’m always ravenous. Ugh! I’m probably oversharing, but this post really hit home. If you decide to share your diet, I’d love to hear about it. Lovely post, lovely June.

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  34. I lovely post, Coot.
    am 30 pounds from where I bshould be. My BMI is fine but my body is not. I gained 30 pounds in 6 months then stopped gaining or losing. My doctor wasnt concerned I was. We know when our body is good. I eat an extremely healthy diet because I have to. I exercise and yet the weight stays. So I am rooting for you.

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  35. I must be in the same place. I was talking to someone last month about losing weight and she said well you’re pretty you are just chunky and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Chunky? I mean I know I need to lose a few pounds (30) but no one has actually said I was chunky and you think that would have been the thing to get me in gear but NOPE I think I went home and ate cake. I’m a comfort eater which does not help my situation!!!

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  36. This is soooo me … just a few pounds from a good BMI, but I’d like to lose about 20 pounds and it is such an effort to make it happen. Even when I really decide that THIS time I will do it, the weight doesn’t come off! My doc says it’s all related to my hypothyroidism and menopausal state, which I believe, but I’m tired of the whole process. I look ok in clothing, although a bit fleshy here and there … I want to be toned and have healthy labwork. SO, I’m with you in this process to get healthy and lose weight …. WE CAN DO IT!

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