I am being driven completely berserk by the fact that I can smell cat pee somewhere in this house. I notice it most in this room, and I am forever in here kneeling and sniffing the floor. If the neighbors are looking in they are now convinced I am spending an inordinate amount of time praising Allah.
I have scrubbed the floor with white vinegar. I have sprayed enzyme spray. I have painted the brick on the hearth, hoping paint smell would drown it out. By the way, the hearth does not look good. Something about how now I can’t tell the hearth is made of brick anymore. Now it just looks like my hearth is made of sheet cake.
Still, I can smell it, the elusive haunting pee de chat. The floor de toilette. I hope to god no kitten peed on this cowboy chair that is just a scratched old leather chair I got at the secondhand store along with my raspberry beret but it’s so comfy and I love it and THESE DAMN FOSTER KITTENS RUIN EVERYTHING.
I’ve asked my coworker to bring in her black light, and also to turn on her heartlight, but she is in a particularly hellish stretch of work and might forget as she did yesterday. I guess I could really get my OWN black light, which would also show off my Pink Floyd posters to perfection, but I hate to spend.
Anyway it’s weighing on me.
I didn’t talk to you yesterday because I slept not at all the night before and didn’t get up till 8 a.m. I’d gone out for coffee with someone on Sunday, at 2 p.m., and I guess I am now officially Too Old® to have coffee at 2 o’clock. I used to snort 10 bricks of blow off hookers at 10:30 p.m. and sleep like a baby and look at me now.
I technically don’t know if blow comes in brick form, and I really need to brush up on m’street lingo if I’m going to sound official, like Huggy Bear or other similarly street individuals.
Yesterday afternoon I took my 3 o’clock walk with Fewks and Griff, my coworkers. Wait, no. It wasn’t Griff. It was Austin. See? That’s how tired I was. Had I not missed 112 hours of work this year due to my concussion I’d have mos def (Huggy Bear said to type that) called in sick yesterday. Instead, red-eyed, I walked with m’coworkers. That’s dedication to work, getting up and walking through the park. Take note, higher-ups.
I ran into Austin this weekend, actually, at the store. I’d gone in for ONE CUPCAKE. I didn’t want to buy four in a package or what have you, because I’m on this diet. But I still had room in my calories that day to get one. But the only place to buy just one was behind the counter and I was too humiliated to do that, like I was asking for condoms or something.
When I turned to leave, dejected and cupcake-less, there was Austin, with of course kale in his cart. He’s the guy who, when you’re starving at work, says, “I have yellow pepper cut up!”
I told him why I was there, and he said, “Kale and Cupcake. We sound like a bad cop show.” Clearly he did not hear I’m Huggy Bear. You know the last character I’d be? Huggy anything. Get the fuck off me.
Anyway, my point is, I went for a walk with Austin and Fewks but not Griff, who hurt his knee or his hip or his bursitis is acting up or whatever old man thing was wrong with him, so he stayed in and listened to AM radio and added Cremora to his coffee and mixed up some liverwurst to put on a saltine.
I mentioned during the walk that I hadn’t slept the night before. “Why not?” one of them pretended to care.
“I don’t know,” I said. “My mind was just racing.” I pictured the inside of my head like a pinball machine. “My mind was just going ‘Ching Chong Ching Ching Ching Chong.'”
There was a silence. “That was pretty racist, June.”
I paused. I know I hadn’t slept, but…what?
“…OH MY GOD I WAS BEING A PINBALL MACHINE,” I yelled, and everyone annoys me. Then we spent the rest of the walk talking about a more accurate pinball machine onomatopoeia, which we decided was, “PING, PING PING PONG, PING.”
Whatever. I’m misunderstood in my time.
I’m tryina think of what else happened this weekend that I didn’t tell you about because I was awake ching chonging all night Sunday.
I went downtown this weekend, which is not a euphemism.
^^ That’s an alley out behind Kit’s store and the bookstore and, you know, behind all stores cause it’s an alley. It finally rained this weekend and is starting to feel autumnal out, which is a relief considering I spent all of September in a bikini.
Well. I mean, I wore pearls and a bikini during work hours.
But soon I can wear little coats and shawls like I’m 90, which I almost am, and boots, oh boots.
By the way, speaking of the photo session with Milhous and the pumpkin, note the guy next door’s house, with the sheet on the window. I GAVE him the curtains that used to hang here. They were nice but they were beige and you know how I feel about beige. But he didn’t put them up. He put sheets up instead. What made him say, “These sheets are so much more charming”? Maybe he hates beige too.
A bunch of us tried to get his water back on but it’s sisyphean. And it involves someone driving him down there with two forms of ID. And then one neighbor backed out of chipping in cause he got mad about something the guy next door did.
Meanwhile, this weekend, I was out there trimming my bushes, again not a euphemism, and not only did the guy next door, old sheet window treatments, come out with much bigger clippers and just start chopping the bushes for me, the across the street neighbor also came over even though he’s the one who’s mad at the guy next door, and he pulled out my small dead evergreen that had become an everbrown. It wasn’t even brown, really, it was just becoming mostly twig. It was everbones.
Anyway they worked together despite whatever gossipy hen party thing is going on between them (I know what it is but I’m not telling you because I’m so classy) for no reason other than they were being helpful. And hoping I’d give them beer and/or beer money. Which I did. Look, I wasn’t gonna be able to take down an everbrown myself. The neighbor saw me trying to kick it over and came over with a saw. He SAW the whole thing.
Also, note in the photo above that we all have identical trees in our backyards, but how did my neighbor’s just up and die? What happened to his tree? Mine is lush and huge and old and beautiful and his is a stick. Why?
I hope he never cuts it down, though, because there is a big hollow in that tree that all the squirrels live in and I love seeing them pop in and out of their hole like Keebler squirrel elves. Keebler Squelves. Welcome to my mind.
I gotta go. I gotta shower and go to work. I have appointments of some kind every day this week, and that annoys. I went to bed at 8 o’clock last night and slept till 6:45, due to my lack of sleep the night before, which perhaps I mentioned.
Then I got up and praised Allah because WHERE IS THAT CAT PEE SMELL COMING FROM, and now we’re full circle.