Legenda

It’s a foggy day here; I like foggy days. I tried to photograph it for you but by the time I went back in, fed the cats, texted a company about something they charged me for, got my phone and came back out, the fog had lifted and all that was left was Edsel holding his bunny.

Anyway, trust me, it was foggy half an hour ago and I liked it.

Last week, the fancy poet, who plays cello and whose parents got married all in French, asked me if I’d go with her for her first pedicure. I was so excited I could have spitted in French. Of COURSE I could go with her on this important journey.

Naturally I took her to my staple: Elegant Nail & Tan, where I’ve been going since aught 8 and have never seen anyone tanning, any tanning equipment or anyone tanning a hide.

She got a pedicure, a royal blue that looked magnificent on her and I was impressed with her bold choice. She’d originally wanted some pearl kind of color but very work-related emails re this included my professionally chiding her for such a foolish decision. “You won’t be able to SEE it,” I said, and that sums up my approach to life. Always do too much.

The best part is I saw her over there reading a magazine and I thought, this is great. She’s catching up on her Us Weekly and getting her toes done just like the rest of us not-smart people.

When I looked more closely, she had brought The New Yorker with her to read.

Anyway she made a good choice in nail color, whereas I went for this odd gray-purple that gives me a bit of a Frankenstein vibe.

Speaking of aught six, that’s a year less than I’ve had that sweater, a sweater I bought in TinyTown and I should really retire it. Give it its gold watch and sheet cake.

On Saturday, first thing, Eds and I went back to the vet to check on his gall bladder and liver. I brought in a video with my camcorder because it’s 1990 RN, and showed the vet how Edsel almost topples over after we play. She took him in for an EKG and an ultrasound while I eyed the many Halloween-themed cupcakes on a table that I couldn’t figure out of they were for public consumption or just for all those fekkin selfish heifers who work there. I really really wanted one bad. But I never took one.

Finally she returned.

Edsel has an enlarged heart, she told me. Well, of course he does. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know.

And his right hooo de hooo isn’t pumping correctly and that’s why his liver and gall bladder are off. Also he has

this was about when everything turned to cotton. My brain just became cotton. LAST month, when I took him originally, I had my friend Jo with me. Why wasn’t she here now? Because, what, now? Who, now?

Surely you aren’t telling me my dog has heart problems.

I took Eds over to the kitten they had for adoption just to make him feel better. I paid the six hundred thousand dollar vet bill. I took his meds. Then we drove sort of silently home.

Apparently, dogs can live for years with this. Some don’t. I’d really like MORE than this to go on, but all I have are signs to look for. She said to think of three things he gets excited about, and if those drop off, I’ll know it’s time.

IT’S TIME.

What the hell?

Fortunately for me, my lawn guy came over soon after we got home. He was aerating my lawn for me, which I’m delighted I decided on given my vet bill that day. My lawn guy, Victor, is a find. He always does a little something extra: weeds the garden, evens the hedges. Each time I find a little surprise.

That day he had his kids with him, a son and a daughter. I’d estimate they are anywhere from 7 to 19 years old.

“May I use your bathroom?” asked the daughter, so I let her in to my luxurious dwelling. “Oh, books!” she said. On Friday, I’d had Goodwill come to take my armoire away. I’d bought it back during my year abroad when we needed closets and now all it did was hold about 50 books. The rest of my books are in my kitchen cabinets and two small bookshelves.

“Oh, PLEASE take some,” I said to her. “I’m planning to donate most of them anyway.”

She was delighted by this, and I put on makeup in this room while she stood in my hall looking at books. Turns out she was born in 2002, which, how is that even a thing, where someone can walk and have thoughts and stuff, if they were born that soon ago?

“Oh, wow, is this your YEARBOOK?” she asked, holding up my 1982 Legenda. What does legenda even mean? “Look at the shorts on your soccer team!”

We had a soccer team?

She marveled at the hair and the clothes and I showed her my photo in my mauve Fair Isle sweater. “You were so beautiful!” she said, and I really liked this 2002 girl.

“When you went to school, did they have, like, one person everyone knew?” she asked.

“Do you mean did we have popular people?”

She thought maybe popularity wasn’t a thing, I guess, back then, as we were so busy chasing mastadon for lunch. “Yes,” I assured her, “we did.”

She paged through my yearbook pointing out people she thought were likely popular, and she was usually right, although she did point out one burnout but of course she had no idea what burnout meant. Is this generation so earnest that there are no kids who skip school and smoke in the woods?

Anyway I was having a magnificent time with her and I should have stayed with her because instead I left for

THE

WORLD’S

WORST

DATE

brought to you by Kellogg. I have no idea why I said that but it must have been a tagline from some show I watched in 1972 or something.

Anyway. First of all, he had us meet in this diner I’d never even heard of, and of course I got lost going there and what’s with men picking spots that are convenient to them?

I called him to say I was lost and would be a little late. “Well, another thing about this diner. They only take cash,” he said. “Who carries cash?”

So in all my lateness I pulled into a gas station and got cash, then when I showed up he was literally waiting outside for me not 20 feet from a giant ATM.

“Pfft. Oh, that machine’s a scam,” he said, “I can tell. Why put it just here, at this diner? The diner’s just here to steal people’s identities.”

And right then, I knew. I was with conspiracy guy.

He’s cute AF, and he’s a little younger than me, which, coo coo ca choo, Mrs. Robinson.

Both this guy and I are older than Mrs. Robinson.

Anyway, he seemed smart and quirky online, but in person we’re talking fringe politics nervous manic Obama-is-the-antichrist actually says the word “feminazi” guy.

Oh my god I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. And he will be my swan song. I officially give up on dating online.

This year, I’ll bet I’ve gone on at least one date a month and more like four a month. Here is what I’m finding: Men online are always, always missing one of the following:

A real job (so many “work from home” or “contract”)
A lack of addiction
Sanity
An ability to form a relationship

The most promising person I dated was this German guy who has a great job, has lived all over the world, has been divorced as long as I have and was married for longer, and? Goes three weeks without contacting me. Then when he does he acts like it’s the most normal thing in the world to pick back up. Next time he calls I’m not answering.

So, I give up.

On Sunday I cleaned and grocery shopped and Googled Edsel’s medicines and got sad. My dog is sick. My cat is sick too. Not Mr. Health, up there, but Iris. I was supposed to take her back to the vet today but I had to reschedule because I can’t afford both Iris and Edsel’s huge vet bills in one pay period.

So now it’s Monday and I’m glad for the distraction of work, frankly.

I will talk to all y’all tomorrow.

44 thoughts on “Legenda

  1. Wow, the Poet also plays cello? I’m fascinated by that woman, and feel like traveling to your neck of the woods next time she has a book reading. Also wish I had someone like you, June, to accompany me to a pedicure.

    Best wishes for healthy pets.

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  2. *I finally found the TIP link in your “About” section and will send something today*
    I am wishing the best for you and your lovely pet family. Sending a tip as I appreciate your blog writing so much, and with those extra vet bills…this is a good time for me to show my appreciation.
    Take care Dear Junnnnne. ..we care!
    L.in CA

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  3. Monday posts are my favorite!
    I’m fascinated by yearbooks. Love ‘em. It’s especially fun to play a game I like to call Dork in Every Row. No matter the year published or size of the school, you can flip to the class section and find a dork in every row of pictures. My daughter thought this was “sooo mean, MOM!” until she realized it was totally true.
    Hard pass on conspiracy theory guy. Oh my.
    That picture of Edsel and his Emotional Support Bunny is darling.

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  4. I’m really sorry about Edz heart issues. Someone suggested changing his food, it’s worth a try. What if it helps! Sweet Iris. I’m so sorry she is having problems. It’s so hard when our pets have health issues. All of you singles that have done online dating, you are very brave people. I have a close friend that has tried it, but she has decided she’s had it. Now her daughter thinks she has found her mom a man, only problem, he’s in NH and my friend is in GA. From what I’m gathering he would expect her to do all the traveling.

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  5. ahh poor Eds! But at the same time, he looks wonderful. And I know he is happy having Juney for his mom! Someone mentioned that food thing. I think it is worth researching. Doctors and Vets do not know (or tell) everything!
    When I go to a bar and I am not drinking alcohol, I order a seltzer with cranberry and a lime. Sort of like a grown up sans sugar, Shirley Temple. It looks like a real drink and tastes good too!
    I am in the “older than dirt” group here. I have totally given up on dating. I still get flirts – usually from younger me who have eye problems, lol – (once a cougar always a cougar! ) but since my devastating marriage and divorce from my so-called “high school sweetheart” —- I am not going there again. I am so fed up with men and their so less than intelligent or even kind, behavior. I am not close minded but I have doubts that any male is going to be able to win my bruised heart over, ever again. Sigh. I love my independent life though. Only time I have a bit of a regression is if I am not feeling well and want to have a pity party. Lucky for me my dog, Marley and cat, Mr. Peaches, have been with me long enough to understand and they cuddle up and comfort me until my meltdown is past!
    Love your posts, Juney!

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  6. I’m 76, the last guy I dated through online was an artist, that was a good sign, he didn’t vote for T, a very good sign, he has a 20 yr old daughter with a baby, said daughter lives with a 35 yr old man with 2 kids in the house the artist built. House is in bad shape due to ex wife who is mental and trashed the house before she left…. not a very good sign ( I foresee problems with daughter in future), artist lives in the garage that belongs to the house. Garage is not an ADU, has no bathroom, no cooking facilities, holds only a bed and numerous paintings. Turns out artist has tons of debt he is paying off and lives on SS is still paying mortgage on house worth less than 100,000 in a town where housing is at a premium and median price of homes is over 300,000. So to date this guy he would always have to come to my place as he has no way to entertain, there would never be a proper “date” and yet he wants to talk about sex upon first meeting. Guess who isn’t dating an artist?

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  7. In my mind the lawn guy’s daughter was about nine years old. Then I realized this little child is seventeen! Good grief, I’m old. I read that someone used “the turn of the century” to refer to this century, but to me that means the beginning of the 20th, not 21st century. Anyway, I’m happy you found someone to take some of your books.

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  8. The more I learn about online dating the more I know that I will never try it. Granted, my husband is still kicking so it would not be any time soon. But my self confidence is not strong enough to deal with that nonsense.
    I am so sorry about the vet/pet situation. I will hit up the tip jar to help a bit with that.

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  9. If you lived nearby I might consider getting pedicures regularly. You are so fun, which makes me sad that there are no normal men to date. Normal men are missing out! So sad about Edz. Hoping he carries on without issues for years and years! Love the yearbook girl!

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  10. Wait a minute…this was a “go Dutch” date? What now, they can’t even spring for the first date dinner? I’m still old school!

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  11. So sorry about Edsel. If it helps any, we had a Yorkie that lived for many, many years with an enlarged heart. I think she was 17 years old before we lost her. So here’s to many more years with Edsel!

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  12. I’m terribly sorry to hear about that wonderful dog but I’m also so pleased that he’s lucky enough to have you in his life to take care of him. … … and I deleted my OKC account just last week which leaves me with little capacity to find witty 50ish women … let alone those who might be inclined to tolerate me.

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  13. Big giant dog hugs to you and Eds. Tomorrow is National Dog Day and I hope you and Eds spend it doing something glorious.

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  14. Oh, Eds with his bunny! Love that. I’m so sorry about his health issue and Eyeriss’, too. We know they’re in good hands. For years I went to a place called Elegant Nail, Tan and Hair. For one thing, what about the other nine nails? And they never did hair the 20-some years I went there. I drive by the place occasionally and noticed they got a new sign. Guess what it says: Elegant Nail, Tan and Hair. Never tried online dating and don’t want to. I’m a suspicious person and am sure I’d end up with an axe murderer.

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  15. MY heart hurts to learn that Edsel’s isn’t working right. That’s so scary, June. And to have two of your kids not in good health, well, that’s a bit much to take in. Thinking of all of you and praying for many more years together.

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  16. I am sweatily typing this [to steal some brilliant (June) big haired author’s phrase] because I’m super nervous you will hate me for asking, um, did your vet discuss dog food as the cause of Edsel’s enlarged heart? If you google: “dog food enlarged heart FDA”, you’ll see that for months the FDA has been investigating dog food caused enlarged hearts in dogs. If caught in time, some enlarged hearts got better when the dogs were placed on different foods.

    Edsel is my fav dog of the Internet so I’m going to be a ding dang (source: June) eedjit (source: Looney Tunes) and post this now. I know I shouldn’t. I know you are a grown up, super responsible *fantastic* pet owner and you’ve prob already discussed this with your vet and I prob need to accept that Edsel is getting older and there’s no magic solution like diff dog food to cure aging and one day…. Gaaah. I don’t want to think about that.

    Merde. Mon dieu. Zoot et sacre bleu.

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  17. I’m a little bit older than you and swore off dating about 7 years ago. Best decision ever. I’d much rather be by myself and be HAPPY than faking polite interest with yet another online “mismatch”, ie: loser.

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  18. This post would fit under the heading, “You’ll laugh. You’ll cry.” The Poet’s parents got married all in French, Edsel holding his bunny (of course the fog lifted), and more. Then, sigh, doggie heart and kitty tummy (are you opposed to the word tummy?) and vet bills and the poignant 17 year old looking for the popular kids in a generation old yearbook. Diner-guy is a jerkity-jerk-jerk-jerk. But you look very pretty in that pink sweater with those fancy nails. Did you read The Atlantic Weekly while The Poet read her New Yorker or was that already taken?

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    • I chatted with the woman next to me about this bar she always goes to where people in their 40s and 50s hang out. I was intrigued despite the fact that I’d have to order Pepsi.

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  19. I’m sorry to read about Eds and his heart issue. I hope you can manage it and he lives out a long life. He’s such a hood boy.

    Online dating. Ick! I gave up last year. The lady guy I dated lived over and hour away and we met up at a spot that was between our two towns. For the next date he asked me “what are we doing” for our next date and then made suggestions for places in his town.

    I had an old high school classmate start messaging me on Facebook and again, asked me to drive an hour to his house so he could make he dinner. Mmmm nooo! Seriously! Zero effort, these men are.

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  20. I don’t think I confessed to anyone that my dream match from Facebook dating who turned out to be not separated but married was also a very enthusiastic conservative Republican Trump supporter. I was willing to overlook that major thing as long as we agreed to disagree and respect each other’s views. I was better at letting it lie (is that correct English?) than he was. He wanted to change me to his point of you. NEVER happening. The being married thing was my oh hell no deal breaker. We are still friends, I’ve even given him marriage saving pointers. He would like us to resume and I will not and he has understood that finally. I am licking my wounds on dating ATM. I may do dinner with a male friend who was a possibility until my bold personality scared him off. Probably another friend but I gave them up for years so it’s nice to have some again. I can see where people get sick of it all.
    I feel for you with Edz and Iris. I hope my three stay healthy for a while. Check ups are due for all of them.

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  21. “Well, of course he does. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know.”

    And that describes the Edsel we’ve all know and love. May he continue to enjoy his three favorite things for years to come.

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  22. There is nothing I can say that will change everything to great news, and how I wish I could. That dog is so devoted to you, your love and companionship will be all he needs. I sincerely hope that it’s years of that, I do.

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  23. I’m so sorry to hear about Edsel’s heart issues and I’m also sorry that your Iris is ailing. I wish I had something wise and/or comforting to share, but it’s Monday morning so there is no hope of that. I just wanted to let you know that I am sending positive thoughts your way. Also, unrelated to that, I understand your concern about Miss 2002. I work with kids and their birthdates freak me out on a daily basis!

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  24. I know you wouldn’t want a hug, but I’ll send you one anyway. I’m so sorry about Eds and Lily. I wish our pets could live as long as we do.

    What a horrible date! I’m much more right of center than you are, but if someone said “feminazi” to me, I’d be out of there so fast, his head would spin! Honestly, I think men today are completely clueless.

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  25. I’m sad too. It sucks that Edsel has heart issues. I hope that he can just live with it the way I live with my old age sciatic nerve. It’s a pain (haha) but life goes on quite smoothly anyway. And Iris…dear sweet girl. Your pets are loved by so many!

    I am sorry you had to actually complete that date. EW. Good thing he was cute.

    Lovely post, lovely June.

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  26. Wonderful post, Coot.
    I am sorry for you and Edz. My heart just breaks. And Iris poor little puffy fluffy Iris.

    I dont know how you do it. You are so brave and strong. Wish I could come help out.

    Also and too. I am with you. How is someone born in 2002 old enough to know about anything?
    I spent my weekend wanting to stuff my husband in a closet and go get a manicure so maybe I wouldnt be a good candidate for dating either.

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