Flashing my baby blue. Also, Milhous is a tense sleeper.

Most nights, before I actually go to sleep, I get into bed and read awhile. Sometimes I look at my phone, which I’m certain is excellent for my circadian rhythms.

Edsel always accompanies me, but he accompanies me anywhere. I just heard him sit down with a flump behind me, in fact. I barely notice him following me anymore. What I notice is his rare absence. “Where the heck’s Edsel?” I’ll think, and it’s always because I let him outside and forgot, or there’s a kitten distracting him.

Anyway, last night I clamored into bed and Eds hopped up, too. At some point I vaguely noticed Milhous jump up and curl next to me. I don’t let the cats sleep with me all night because there are too damn many of them and you will get no sleep with all of them all over yonder in the bed.

So when it was time to actually fall asleep, I leaned over to kind of pet Milhous to let him know to get up because I was closing the doors (my bedroom has two doors. I can’t imagine the feng shui I’ve got going on with that).

I mean.

I BARELY touched Mil when he SPRANG up, like a cobra, SPRANG up, fur on edge like a Halloween kitty, and LEAPED SIDEWAYS, claws out, claw’s out, maw’s out, RIGHT ONTO EDSEL, and then leaped off the bed, fur still up, tail huge.

Eds didn’t even have time to squeal like a chick, which I knew he wanted to do. That cat sank his claws right into Eds.

He looked at me, wide-eyed. What the psycho hell?

So I guess I startled Milhous.

Is my point. Also, cat has reflexes. Good gravy.

My other news is, they called me at the car-repair place yesterday, at about 11:15. “Your car’s almost ready,” they said, a mere two months later. “We just have to detail it. It’ll be ready tonight or tomorrow.”

Two hours later I get a call from the insurance company. “You have till 6:00 today to return the rental car.”

What the…? “My car’s not even READY yet,” I said, but yes it was, according to them. So I had to leave work in the middle of the day, drive all the damn-ass way across town like TWO INCHES from Ned’s work, which made me tense, not that he works at Public Storage, which is what the above picture shows.

Anyway, then I had to wait in line behind World’s Fussiest Customer who had a baby carrier that was empty. Where was her baby? Did she just make up having one?

They told her to go ahead and pick her car, and by the way, she got the choice of an SUV and why didn’t I get an SUV? I had a short squatty Mustang for exactly two months, a Mustang I came to really like, actually. Still. What gives?

The man behind the counter took a phone call, and old Phantom Baby Carrier, there, was SUPPOSED to be out picking her car but instead she stood there holding her invisible baby in its carrier. Maybe her work had done one of those “pretend you have a baby so you can see what it’s like” exercises.

I was already annoyed with her, because it was MY TURN and she was indifferent to my plight and clearly had ONE MORE GODDAMN QUESTION after the guy’s phone call (someone had left their garage-door opener in the rental car. Did the guy see it? Could he look again?) (“Yes, ma’am, I’ll look again.”) And in the meantime, I was fixing to bludgeon old “my skirt is too short for my age” up there with her own fake baby carrier.

And why do we need them? The rest of us rode in the car sliding across the back seat and look at us. We’re fine. When I was in first grade the whole lot of us used to ride home from school in Janet Swender’s dad’s pickup truck, exposed to the breeze, and we lived through that, too.

Anyway after 97 thousand hundred minutes it was my turn.

“Yes, I’m returning my rental car? And I need a ride to the body shop?”

They checked out the auto first, and I got inexplicably nervous. All I ever did was go to work and come home in that thing, and I sat there sweating like they’d figure out I had hash parties up in there. I have no idea if hash parties are even a thing but now I want hash browns.

After I passed, after I pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes with my hash pipe and my tens of prostitutes I had riding in that thing on the regular, they said, “Someone will drive you to your body shop” and out from the back, as part of the June’s Fantasy Model collection, came a young man of color.

Mother of pearl.

Oh, and he was nice to me. He was so smart, and we talked cars and life and generations and by the time we got to my car repair shop I was ready to ask him back to my rental for some hashish.

Are hash and hashish the same thing? Or are they slightly different, like vanilla and French vanilla?

Anyway now I have to find a way to marry the 23-year-old car rental dude and I think that’s a perfectly legit thing to aim for. Any MAN my age would feel completely entitled to a 23-year-old.

Anyway, my little blue roller skate of a car is back. And I’m tryina decide if I want to try to trade it in for a big safe Subaru from 2015 or something. I sure do love this cute car.

Oh! And it was two months ago yesterday that I got in that accident, and I had to drive down THE SAME ROAD at the SAME TIME OF DAY but I did it. I was nervous as a pee hen, but I did it.

Also I left my baby-blue cardigan in the car and I hadn’t noticed it was gone for two months.

All right, I gotta go. I’m running late and my computer is telling me my mouse is low and I don’t know why it can’t just embrace life and count its blessings.

Hilariously,
June

44 thoughts on “Flashing my baby blue. Also, Milhous is a tense sleeper.

  1. My son almost fell out of the car when he was 3. I had a short way to go and didn’t even put the buckle on him. We rounded the corner into our driveway and the door popped open. I grabbed his wrist and all was well. About the same time we had a swingset in the backyard that was not attached to the ground (thanks husband!), son was swinging and the whole thing flipped over, he was lucky he was not hit in the head!

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  2. “…my little blue roller skate of a car…” Do you keep the car key on a string around your neck so it bangs on your breastbone when you brake?

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  3. That car is awesome. And, YOU look so cute in it. I am happy you have it back!

    Poor Edsel. I hope Milhous was extra nice to him this morning.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  4. Your baby blue egg is just the cutest little clown car and I’d be terrified to drive in it. I like to feel safe in a car and be able to see over the cars around me. I like my SUV. It’s not going to break any 0 to 60 speed records but I do feel safe in it.

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  5. Once, my cousin fell out of the car onto a narrow country road. His mom didn’t notice. After traveling a mile or so, one of his siblings said, “Mom, Bill fell out our the car. ” He was still sitting where he had fallen when they went back to retrieve him. Thankfully, he wasn’t hurt. He was 2 or 3 at the time. This was in the 50’s.

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  6. Love that little blue car. I would love to zip around in that. But, at 5’6″ I am the shortest person in my immediate family including grandkids so it wouldn’t work for me. Also living in Michigan an all wheel drive mid sized SUV is for the best. Living vicariously through you with your cute little mill house and cute little car.

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  7. My dad used to say, “I can’t count the number of times I had to pull you out from under the dashboard.” And he used to drive us around in an open pickup bed. I wonder if parents who were raised in the car seat age still do the reflexive right arm fling to the kid in the passenger seat (when they’ve had to slam on the brakes), I still do it to my thirty-something daughter.

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  8. I was once dinged for charges on a rental because they claimed I had pets in the car. What I really had was my clothes, covered in dog fur per usual, that was transferred to the cheap, cloth seats. That irked.

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    • Ooh, I got into a Difference of Opinion with a rental car guy when I was returning the car. He was insisting that I had animals in the car, which was against the rules and he was going to charge me a $50 cleaning fee. I explained that I did own pets but they were never in the car, it was just their hair on my clothes and there was nothing I could do about that. But he was being a dick about it. I finally had to pull the “Can I speak to your manager?” card. Luckily, the manager said the other guy was being ridiculous and waived the cleaning fee.

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  9. So happy little blue is back! I just turned in my leased Mustang convertible for a very practical Hyundai. I miss that speedy little car!! It was at the dealer for 3 days to fix the rear window. They gave me a loaner with 50 miles on it. I returned it with 700 miles on it. They were a little shocked. I was planning a road trip with my nephew that week. Since the Mustang was so small, I was planning to rent a car with an actual back seat. Thanks to Ford I not only saved money, but miles on my lease! Those car rental people are always so nice. The rental place is 5 blocks from my house. I always have to convince them that I really don’t need a ride.

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  10. When I was little we’d go on vacation to Florida from Georgia, and my sister and I would ride in the back of my dad’s pickup along with the luggage. He had a camper cover on it and we’d put foam mattresses back there and ride 7 hours to Panama City! When Dad would get bored, he’d slam on the breaks just to throw us around-he’d watch us in the rearview mirror and laugh and laugh. Now that I’ve written that out loud he sounds like a psychopath, but we used to think it was fun.

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  11. Short Skirt had left her baby in the rental car. Did the guy see it? Could he look again? She was trying to convey this in code. Too bad you couldn’t have chatted up the 23-year-old while you were waiting.

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  12. I have a burning question, June: Why did you talk in question marks to the car guy? Also too, your little car looks great.

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  13. My favorite is the phantom baby lady. For real, what on earth? Your car is super cute!

    My folks drove a 76 Chevy Impala station wagon. We had the seat down in the way back and we drove to different states for Irish dancing competitions. We had 5 kids and the other family we took along had 7 girls – but usually only about 3 or 4 of them came along. Those long drives were the absolute best times. We laughed for like 7 hours from Chicago to Cleveland and back. I sucked at the Irish dancing part, but always looked forward to the drive.

    Like someone else mentioned, I once almost fell out of a car. My mom had all 5 of us in the back of a Mercedes sedan. I was leaning up against the door at about 4 years old. The door opened and we all started to slide out – me first. Mom let go of the wheel, leaned across the seat and grabbed me by my hood. She pulled me back in.

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  14. My generation was pinballing in the back of the unairconditioned station wagon while mom chain smoked.
    My daughter’s first road trip, we were young and broke and it was 1977. Got a diaper box, put her bassinet mattress in it and somehow secured it in the back of our Pinto.
    When her brother was born in 1980, car seats had just become a thing. Now kids aren’t vaccinated but they have car seats designed by NASA.
    Your little blue looks great, happy driving Coot.

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  15. My mother used to haul my Brownie troop around in the conversation pit in the back of our huge station wagon. As one did back then. Pee hen killed me. Your car is so cute, but there’s no way I’d be able to get into it. Or, once in, get out. I love my SUV. And around here, we call Subarus the new VWs. No poop going up hills. I dated a guy in college who was 6-10 and drove a VW Rabbit. It didn’t have a backseat.

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  16. Glad you finally got your car back although I can understand the mixed feelings about keeping it. Also, poor Edz. I can imagine the dumbfounded look on his face when Milhous jumped him. My contribution to the car seat topic: when I was five, we moved from Georgia to California and I rode the entire way on the mattress from my baby bed in the back of an unairconditioned station wagon.

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  17. There were hash parties back in the day. I attended one. Shared the bowl with friends of friends just like the passing of joints with strangers at concerts way back when. Fun times.

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  18. “Yes…” even in person. That made me laugh. Baby blue is looking good. Finally, she’s home. Milhous must have been dreaming, but poor Edz gets smacked.

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  19. My cousin actually fell out of the car once. They were driving along in the door came open and he fell out of the car. His sister couldn’t wait to tell on him and said “Mom, brother got out of the car!” He was fine, although he did have quite a knot on his head. We have laughed about that for years.

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      • My daughter-in-law showed me an adorable picture she took of the World’s Best Grandbaby strapped into her car seat. Said baby was truly pissed.
        Later I saw that she’s posted it on Facebook, and I blurted out “Oh God, no car seat pictures!”
        “Why?”
        “People will lose their minds and lecture you and tell you you’re trying to murder your baby to death.”
        She checked her phone and looked at me, bewildered.
        “I just posted that picture five minutes ago, and two people have messaged me with articles.”

        Mmmm-hmmmm.

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  20. Why shouldn’t you date a 23 year old young man? Get out that hash pipe, put on your lipstick and go ask him out.

    Then provide us with all the details!

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  21. Lovely post, Coot.

    I had my rental for almost 2 months and drove it almost 15 THOUSAND miles. The guy at the rental car counter looked at said mileage and asked I dont know where all you went but I hope it was fun. You know what? It was fun.
    I’ve been everywhere, man
    I’ve been everywhere, man
    Crossed the desert’s bare, man
    I’ve breathed the mountain air, man
    Of travel I’ve a’had my share, man
    I’ve been everywhere

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    • Years ago my husband did side work for Ford Motor Company whenever they’d come to Phoenix. One time they asked if they could borrow our Lincoln Town Car for the duration and they’d give us an LN7 to drive. The Hubs at 6 3 could hardly fit his big toe in it, let alone drive it. So I had it for two weeks. I put over a thousand miles on it. They didnt care, but they were shocked. Our Ford friend said almost the same thing to me about having fun. All in city driving, but yes FUN!!

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