I’m doing something I haven’t done in awhile. No, not sex, ya bastard. I’m using my Laila Ali hair dryer. It always dried my hair all funny, so I stopped using it, but I woke up from 3:00 to 4:00 last night, so I reset the alarm to not go off till 7:00, which means I didn’t wash my hair till 7:15-ish, which means it’s soaking soaking ohmygod soaking wet right now.
Hence the Laila Ali.
I never sleep all night anymore. Edsel now also needs to get up in the night. We’re like an old couple, with our walkers with tennis balls on them. I’m not sure if it’s the medication he’s taking or just his bad heart in general, but I end up getting up to let the Tin Man out at some point beyond my own waking up.
When he needs to go out, he gets up from his dog bed at the end of my bed and just stands in front of me. Somehow this wakes me up. He never makes any sound other than floomping up from his bed. I don’t know how I’m so attuned.
My father told me once that when I was a newborn, I was sleeping in my crib, and I don’t mean I had my own house.
How do you stand how hilarious I am?
Anyway I was sleeping, and my mother was also asleep, but he said that any time I made any sort of noise from my room, my mother in her sleep would turn toward me and fuss a little in her sleep.
I guess I’m similarly aware of Edsel right now.
Remember when he was the backup dog? He was Tallulah’s sidekick. He was Robin. He was the Pips.
But he’s been my only dog for three and a half years now (not counting the many unfortunate puppies I tried to bring in).
In these three years we’ve come to depend on each other more. We used to both depend on Talu, and whatever man was living with us. Now he protects me from villans and I will protect him from discomfort as he ages. We have fun together. We’ve taken a few road trips. Share popcorn. We’ve fostered kittens together.
I guess in many ways you could say Edsel’s been my person.
Not long ago, my father sent me a Firestick. It’s a thing you put on your TV so you can stream Amazon Prime and watch YouTube on your TV and so on. It’s been life-changing, in that now I spend a lot more time staring at my TV. That can only be good for you, right?
Anyway, I’d never been able to watch YouTube on my TV before, so I watched some of my end-of-year videos I’ve made for you in years past, and then it suggested I watch Marvin’s YouTube channel, which was riveting because he had not one but two videos of just our old apartments (and cats, fmr.) in LA.
I can’t imagine why anyone would watch this but me, but here you go. God, I broke most of those glasses in that hutch, eventually. And, apparently, we never made the bed. I make the bed now. I wonder when that changed?
Anyway, somehow I found this tarot card reader on YouTube called Waterbaby Tarot. She reads your tarot based on your astrological sign, and if Hulk is reading this today he just went ahead and killed himself. However, Hulk, since you and I are the same sign, I can write you every week and fill you in on our future.
The point is, now I’m hooked, and for this week she said it’s important to carry some sort of talisman. (If one of you is out there cursing me, stop. Geez.)
I immediately got out my Jagermeister hat.
I’m sort of a nervous person anyway, in case you hadn’t picked up on that. In the weeks following September 11, 2001, I wasn’t doing well. By the time people started getting anthraxed, I was a mess. It was hard for me to even leave the house.
My father lived in LA at the same time I did, and he had forced me out somewhere during that time, and I was going on about terrorists and buildings and poison mail. He reached in the back of his convertible and handed me this hat.
“This is a protective hat,” my father told me. “Nothing can happen to you while you wear it.” And despite knowing that wasn’t true, I wore that damn thing for months. I know there’s a picture of me out at some street fair sporting the Jagermeister hat my father probably got at some bar from a Jager-selling floozy.
Maybe this will protect Edsel from any bad heart thing the way it protected me from harm 18 years ago.
It’s worth a try.