Insert pith here

I’m doing something I haven’t done in awhile. No, not sex, ya bastard. I’m using my Laila Ali hair dryer. It always dried my hair all funny, so I stopped using it, but I woke up from 3:00 to 4:00 last night, so I reset the alarm to not go off till 7:00, which means I didn’t wash my hair till 7:15-ish, which means it’s soaking soaking ohmygod soaking wet right now.

Hence the Laila Ali.

I never sleep all night anymore. Edsel now also needs to get up in the night. We’re like an old couple, with our walkers with tennis balls on them. I’m not sure if it’s the medication he’s taking or just his bad heart in general, but I end up getting up to let the Tin Man out at some point beyond my own waking up.

When he needs to go out, he gets up from his dog bed at the end of my bed and just stands in front of me. Somehow this wakes me up. He never makes any sound other than floomping up from his bed. I don’t know how I’m so attuned.

My father told me once that when I was a newborn, I was sleeping in my crib, and I don’t mean I had my own house.

How do you stand how hilarious I am?

Anyway I was sleeping, and my mother was also asleep, but he said that any time I made any sort of noise from my room, my mother in her sleep would turn toward me and fuss a little in her sleep.

I guess I’m similarly aware of Edsel right now.

Remember when he was the backup dog? He was Tallulah’s sidekick. He was Robin. He was the Pips.

But he’s been my only dog for three and a half years now (not counting the many unfortunate puppies I tried to bring in).

In these three years we’ve come to depend on each other more. We used to both depend on Talu, and whatever man was living with us. Now he protects me from villans and I will protect him from discomfort as he ages. We have fun together. We’ve taken a few road trips. Share popcorn. We’ve fostered kittens together.

I guess in many ways you could say Edsel’s been my person.

Not long ago, my father sent me a Firestick. It’s a thing you put on your TV so you can stream Amazon Prime and watch YouTube on your TV and so on. It’s been life-changing, in that now I spend a lot more time staring at my TV. That can only be good for you, right?

Anyway, I’d never been able to watch YouTube on my TV before, so I watched some of my end-of-year videos I’ve made for you in years past, and then it suggested I watch Marvin’s YouTube channel, which was riveting because he had not one but two videos of just our old apartments (and cats, fmr.) in LA.

I can’t imagine why anyone would watch this but me, but here you go. God, I broke most of those glasses in that hutch, eventually. And, apparently, we never made the bed. I make the bed now. I wonder when that changed?

Anyway, somehow I found this tarot card reader on YouTube called Waterbaby Tarot. She reads your tarot based on your astrological sign, and if Hulk is reading this today he just went ahead and killed himself. However, Hulk, since you and I are the same sign, I can write you every week and fill you in on our future.

The point is, now I’m hooked, and for this week she said it’s important to carry some sort of talisman. (If one of you is out there cursing me, stop. Geez.)

I immediately got out my Jagermeister hat.

I’m sort of a nervous person anyway, in case you hadn’t picked up on that. In the weeks following September 11, 2001, I wasn’t doing well. By the time people started getting anthraxed, I was a mess. It was hard for me to even leave the house.

My father lived in LA at the same time I did, and he had forced me out somewhere during that time, and I was going on about terrorists and buildings and poison mail. He reached in the back of his convertible and handed me this hat.

“This is a protective hat,” my father told me. “Nothing can happen to you while you wear it.” And despite knowing that wasn’t true, I wore that damn thing for months. I know there’s a picture of me out at some street fair sporting the Jagermeister hat my father probably got at some bar from a Jager-selling floozy.

Maybe this will protect Edsel from any bad heart thing the way it protected me from harm 18 years ago.

It’s worth a try.

46 thoughts on “Insert pith here

  1. Just wanted you to know I read, I cried, I conquered. Or something like that. Work was worky-worky yesterday (the bastards!) but my mind kept Edsel in the Jagermeister hat as my very own talisman against weirdos who try to talk to me at my desk. Good dog Edsel. Here’s to all the dogs who are our people.

    Lovely post June.

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  2. I also need some kind of special talisman for me and for my very elderly dog, Mojito.
    Strangely, I have to get up and pee two or three times a night, but he doesn’t.

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  3. Very touching. My pets are aging (already lost my 15 year old cat last year) and it’s sort of a dull, achy worry that’s with me all the time.

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  4. Lovely post, pretty June! I’m way behind on commenting but I admire your writing style in each post! Long live Jager-Eds!

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  5. Oh, such a sweet post. Eds looks rather jaunty in his hat. May God bless him and his ol’ heart, and yours, too.

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  6. I love Edsel in his jaunty hat! What a sweet gesture from your dad. We have friends with a cat named BK — short for “Backup Kitty.” The kitty she was backing up has since passed away, but the name stuck. Hope you will show us a picture of your lovely Laila hair.

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  7. I love WaterBaby Tarot! I watched a bunch of general astrological readings for my sign a year or so ago. Didn’t think they’d be anything special, but when several of the different readers were getting a bunch of the same things coming up it got interesting. Some of my other favorite youtube readers are Lori Gemini Tarot, LIVEVISIONZ, Beauty Soul Tarot, ALI’s Tarot, and The Woke Therapist.

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  8. “Now he protects me from villans and I will protect him from discomfort as he ages.”
    Great post! And you ARE hilarious.
    I needed that hat after 911, working in a federal building right at the world’s busiest airport I did not feel safe.

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  9. My husband will be delighted I’m sharing this news, but I kicked him out of bed so my dog would have more room to stretch out at night. He went willingly, though, because there is nothing we won’t do for our dog.
    Edsel knows how much you love him. I’m so glad you shared special adventures with him, and hope you have many more good ones in the future.

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  10. This post made me feel a little weepy inside, but Marvin’s video of your LA apartment (which I went back and watched after reading) fixed that. I chuckled!

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  11. Nice post June.
    Love that you’re so in tune with Eds. My dog doesn’t sleep in my bedroom. When I started working, he started to give up the dog bed to sleep outside my bedroom when I am alone at home. He can be my only non work related social contact for a week at a time and this makes me feel a lot better.

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  12. I have Michael’s fingerprint on a tear drop pendant. I wear it almost always and it makes me feel like he is with me.
    Your dad is a sweet man. I like that hat. I hope it gives beloved Ed’s some good juju.
    I want to see a psychic. My friend has a very good serious one. I need to make an appointment, it takes like a year to get in. The woman said they can’t communicate well from the other side for a while anyway. I do smell cigarette smoke sometimes. My sister who lives in a haunted house and is very sensitive to psychic phenomena has felt his presence.
    I was an absolute wreck after 911 but living so close we were surrounded by it. They were looking for the terrorists in our state and a lot of commuters to the World Trade Center lived one county North of here and died. I have never felt quite the same. There are two worlds, the our ignorance was bliss pre world and the frightening it will never be as secure world that we have now.

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  13. I have that same black globe! This was such a nice post. I am sure it is the medicine causing Edsel’s need to go out more. The same thing happened with our dog who had the enlarged heart.

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    • She called her sister a cunt because her sister ate her chicken salad on a croissant. I always loved that part of the story. “DID YOU EAT MY CHICKEN SALAD ON A CROISSANT?”

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  14. I still laugh about the time a girlfriend took me to a party with all her fellow white witches (*eyeroll emoji*) and someone did a tarot card reading for us. And when the “reader left the room I shuffled the cards…

    GodDAMN I’m funny…

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  15. Love that Edsel. And you loving him. And you being brave and compassionate to share your hat. May it protect you both.

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  16. I decided to turn my alarm off and skip my early morning workout class because I was up during the night with IBS pain. TMI? Anyway I reset my alarm. Then I woke up when my alarm was supposed to go off anyway. Hate that but I really really hit missing my kickass workout class.

    Love that your dad gave you that hat to keep you safe. Looks like it was made for Edz. Hope it works!

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  17. Oh, I remember that apt. I cooked Thanksgiving dinner there and Marvin was recording it all and left the oven door opened after he looked at the Turkey. It was a good day.

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    • I’m going to assume this is my mother and not some woman who had an affair with Marvin. Do you remember when he threw out the really good avocado at Christmas? Marvin. Making holidays annoying, since 1996.

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  18. I love Edsel in your Jagermeister hat. May it protect him and you both.

    Lovely post, Coot. Wait. Where there more puppies other than Lottie? Did Edsel ever meet the magically-appearing-puppy you found in your car?

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    • He did, but back then we had a Tallulah and he tolerated that puppy just fine. Did I ever tell you guys I found people complaining about me online and they said I made that story up? That I DIDN’T find a puppy in my car? I don’t quite know what the point of making it up would be.

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  19. Parents don’t lose the urge to protect even when their kid is 784 months old. That was a sweet dad moment. Stay safe June & Edz.

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  20. Lovely post, Coot.

    Edz is the best. He loves you like the kitten you are.

    I need a Jagermeister hat or a hard hat or probably just a tin foil hat

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