Poker? I don’t even know her.

My cereal assures me it contains “onyx sorghum” and thank god for it. I’ve been clamoring for some onyx sorghum.

Don’t you hate it when people call it “breakfast cereal”? What the hell else would it be? Oh, we sat down to some dinner cereal for Thanksgiving. Had us some Sugar Pops and gravy.

Anyway.

In my eternally full datebook, I’m on like day 95 of Having Somewhere to Be Either Before Work, at Lunch or After Work. When this happens, it makes me hate everything, including the phrase “breakfast cereal.”

Yesterday I had a dentist appointment, and careful keepers of their Books of June’s Events will pause with their pen over the page. “Why, she just had a dentist appointment in the summer! What gives?” [puts down pen and gazes out window soulfully]

Way back at the beginning of this year, I used an Ulta gift card to purchase this toothbrush with a blue light in it that allegedly whitened your teeth. I used that blue-light toothbrush faithfully until my summer dental appointment, when my dental hygienist was all, MOTHER OF GOD, WHAT’S HAPPENED TO YOUR TEETH?

I went from having “1, 1, 2. 2, 1, 2” results when they stick that little poker of intimacy up in your gums to measure you—just a little pinch between your cheek and gum—to “4, 3, 4. 5, 4, 3” results. It was terrible. I got a Sonicare brush right there at the dentist for $145839 million, threw away the blue-light-special toothbrush, and commenced to good oral hygiene again.

(When you had to go to Kmart with your mom, did she say, “Well, if you see anyone in here, it means they’re at Kmart too”?)

But the dentist still made me come in in three months just to make sure I was being good. And that is why I spent my lunch hour getting poked, and not like in the good old days when I had a boyfriend.

My new hygienist is blissfully quiet, a respite after the disordered last one I had at the old place who was stuck on Chat mode. But this time she was a little TOO quiet. She was sticking that pokey thing up in me, she was The Poker’s Wild, over there, but saying nothing. She was Ellen Jamesian.

The suspense was killing me.

“I’m memorizing the numbers so I can type them in,” she finally said, and right then I realized that usually there are two people there, one to say out loud, “3, 2, 1…” and the other to type it in. But this time she was a lone poker. Was was one pokey man.

I don’t want to be Alfred Hitchcock, over here, dragging out the suspense, so I’ll let you know my numbers are much improved. Now I just gotta go back in FOUR months to make sure I’m still being good.

At the end, she was rustling about in the drawers, and I knew I was getting the free toothbrush.

I love the swag bag at the dentist.

As you further know from your Big Book of June Events, I base how the next few months of my life are going to go on what color toothbrush they give me at my cleanings.

LAST time I was there, when my gums were 867-5309, they gave me a LAVENDER toothbrush, and I was all MY LIFE IS GOING TO SOAR and then

BOOM

rear-ended, month-long concussion, lingering fear when stopped at red lights.

So yesterday I got new lip balm (vanilla mint), floss, toothpaste and?

A navy blue toothbrush.

But I figure if I thought lavender was going to be so great, maybe navy blue won’t be so bad. Maybe my color system is unreliable. I know. It’s hard to believe.

I’ve got nothing much else to tell you beyond the note you should make that I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT AT NOON TODAY and tomorrow I GO BACK TO MY DOCTOR AT 10.

Goddammit.

But one more bit of housekeeping before I go. Remember two weekends ago when that teenager was here, my lawn guy’s daughter? As she selected books to take home, she photos inside one. They’ve been on my desk ever since and I will show them to you and then put them in the cubby where I’ve shoved photos in such a chaotic way, and do you know what I might could have done in that

MONTH

I took to have a concussion? Is organized the photos.

Despite the fact that this photo claims to be from January 4, 1996, I know that is not true. This is Michigan, late summer/early fall, in I think 2004. My mother and I had lunch at The Turkey Roost, my favorite restaurant of all time, then we headed to Judy’s Pies, there, and got a blueberry pie, THEN we headed “up north,” as they redundantly say in Michigan, to my mother’s then cottage. They always call them “cottage” in Michigan and not cabin or lakehouse or any other word other regions use to describe a vacation home.

I like the formal purse/casual shoes combo. And also that Judy had I had on practically the same shirt.

BABY TALLULAH. Enough said.

…There. Now I’ve shoved those photos into the hellhole that is my current photo storage system. Oh my god.

Also, one more thing before I go. May I offer just the teensiest complaint? A soupcon of censure?

This blog. It’s, like, an hour of my day each morning. I write it here, and then I go to work. As the day progresses, I get, whatever, 40? 50? emails that are each of your comments. I like getting your comments. I like getting them here.

What I don’t want? And god love ya. But if you actually know me, or we’re social media friends, what I don’t want is to have to discuss whatever I wrote, you know, somewhere else.

I don’t want to have a talk about it on an instant message. I don’t want a text discussing it. I’ve put in the effort right here. I’ve said what I want to say that day. I’m done now. Now I just want to hear what you all have to say, without the pressure of responding. If time permits and I’m inspired to reply to one of your comments, my reply is IN THE COMMENTS. That’s where I want all blog things to be. Is in my comments. Not seven other places in my life.

Does that seem unreasonable? It’s just something that seems to be happening more and more and I wanted to address. Nothing makes me sigh beleagueredly more than a text or IM that starts, “I read your blog today, and…”

Because NOW I’m expected to fashion a reply. A full reply. About something I already spent an hour writing about at the expense of many other things I could be doing. Now I’m expected to further discuss it with you behind the scenes.

Am I being cranky or does that seem irksome to other people? If this were happening to you would you also feel sort of a pressure or obligation when this happens?

Anyway, that’s what’s on my mind today, and now I must go brush teeth.

Remember, you don’t have to put in a name or email address to comment! Remember, here is the place to comment about my blog! heeeee.

XO,
June

83 thoughts on “Poker? I don’t even know her.

  1. Hi June and everyone else.

    Well, last week I got a crown installed in my mouth, as an ancient filling broke and cracked my tooth. Today I bought a new dental plan with lots of coverage and no waiting period. I highly recommend good dental insurance. Last week I overheard two coworkers discussing their woeful experiences with no dental insurance and the need for a crown. ..and much pain.
    Lesson learned. I am a believer.

    Like

    • P.S. Thankfully my current dental plan benefits took care of this round of crown drama. But I’m never going lower than $1500.00 per year from now on #PainIsNotMyFriend

      Like

  2. A. I’ve used a SoniCare for years now, and my gum numbers are really good. But I don’t floss, I use these fantastic picks the dentist includes in the goodie bag that I can’t find in any store. If they ever quit providing them, I will have to settle for the vastly inferior ones I am forced to use when the special ones run out between cleanings.
    BB. I love cereal, but since having read The Obesity Code I have tried to avoid all carbs. I really miss my nightly bowl of Grape Nuts or Frosted MiniWheats or whatever high-fiber cereal is currently in the house.
    CCC. Baby LU!!!!! She was special.
    DDDD. I haven’t been commenting or posting on fb much lately, but when I do comment, it’s always here. I’m a rule follower (said as I pull a muscle patting myself on the back).
    Lovely post, pretty June.

    Like

  3. Spent the day bagging clothes for Goodwill, and I’m late to the party here. I wonder if I can get away with serving my family Sugar Pops with gravy for Thanksgiving. As I type that, the phrase reminds me of Linus Van Pelt’s snack of “sugar lumps with honey.”)

    My Tennessee Granny, retired and twice widowed, made herself healthy lunches but enjoyed dinner cereal she called “a bowl a flakes.” At 4 PM.

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  4. When my daughter was about 15 she complained that the dentist always told her to floss! What a pain! Every time! “I’ll bet they would even say that if I flossed every single day!” she complained.

    “I have a great idea,” I said (and you probably know where this is going). “You should floss every day until your next appointment, and then when they say it you will WIN!”

    She did not think I was funny OR clever.

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  5. I bought a Quip toothbrush and had the opposite. My usually pretty good pokey thing numbers became wow amazing numbers! They asked what I did – surely flossing TWICE a day now? No, I said, I’m using a Quip toothbrush! I was excited because if you refer your dentist to them you get bonus stuff. Hmm, they said, I sure am glad you are doing extra flossing because that’s working out really well. There must be a Sonicare lobby pushing dentists not to cooperate with Quips.

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  6. I also googled “Ellen Jamesian,” who knew? The more you know…

    I only comment here. That is the way it was always intended. Do it.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  7. A while back you asked everyone what adult thing we know we should do, but just don’t for whatever reason. One hilarious person, no idea who, said that she just can’t floss. Each time she goes to the dentist the hygienist compliments her on her great flossing and she thinks well, you are just complimenting yourself on the fine flossing you did at my last visit six months ago because that was the last time these teeth were flossed. !!! I’m not a lover of flossing and I have giggled about that comment several times.

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  8. I had to google Ellen Jamesian and let me tell you it took three times because it makes NO Sense unless you have the absolutely correct spelling of Jamesian. And I learned something new from the googling! yay me. Oh and I would love, love a navy blue toothbrush!

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  9. I hope reading about my life lesson in organization can help sway commenters to understand the value of commenting here, at the source of the information, and deflect whatever impulse drives some to communicate with you outside of the source of the information. I used to leave electronic bits and pieces of related information all over the place. I would take meeting notes in multiple different places, such as a in notes taking program (like OneNote or something) as well as a Word document, or in a spreadsheet, or writing notes by hand with the good intention of typing it up later. Sometimes I still take notes on a spreadsheet I’m going over with a colleague or write out a to-do list to mark off. About two years ago it occurred to me to make a calendar item to keep my notes in. Information from email I want to remember relates to the meeting, a question I have for a meeting, saving notes from a spreadsheet by copying and pasting the spreadsheet notes, reminder of tasks and events as calendar items – because none of these extra, helpful ways of keeping notes and setting reminders outside of my calendar worked for me. My past self is so kind to me when it’s been months since a meeting or I set a calendar item about a due date with notes of what that due date is even about. So if we all comment here, we increase the likelihood that Joon will know you have thoughts about *this* post and be able to respond.

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  10. “Maybe my color system is unreliable. I know. It’s hard to believe.” I’m still giggling like a sugar-high six-year-old over this one.

    I have no contact with social media (why yes, I do have tech people in my life. How ever did you guess?) but the thought of 40 to 50 email per day from just the blog and then add in other sources and….. hives. Itchy itchy hives.

    Like

  11. Every so often, I go on a cereal binge. But I can’t drink cows milk (I mean I can but my digestive system and everyone around me will suffer) so I use Vanilla Almond Milk and hoo boy, is it good! Great, now I’m having a hankering for some nutritious and delicious Lucky Charms. Why so fat?

    About a month or so ago, I was in Costco and decided on a whim to buy an Oral B electric toothbrush and let me just say, it’s the best thing I ever did for my teeth. They’ve never felt so clean and my gums don’t bleed now. Of course to balance it out, I also bought the 10-lb bag of Halloween candy. The GOOD candy: Reese’s, Snickers, KitKats, M&Ms. Why so fat?

    Oh, now I also have a hankering for pie. Banana Cream Pie.

    WHY SO FAT, KELLY?

    Like

  12. I don’t know how you do all you do. I’m too tired after work to do anything but cook dinner and eat it. I’m an old chook though. Love reading you every morning June!

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  13. You are not being cranky. Sounds reasonable to me that if you want to comment on the blog, THIS is the place to do it.
    There is a place in north Georgia, right before you get to Ellijay for all you GA people, that sells the BEST fried pies. Now I want one. I always say we are going to the lake, if the house/cabin is one the lake. I have a friend that had a “camp” in LA and I thought it was something like a summer camp, it was a cabin on the lake, very confusing.
    Loved the photo of baby Lu. She was such a special dog.

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  14. Excellent post, as usual. I find that people do not listen – this proves it! ha ha. They are thinking about what they want to say… good grief.
    Baby Lu… so adorable! You too, Juney – love that pie pic!

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  15. I prefer the comments to be here too. Nice and neat. I enjoy other gossipy, jokey, animal centered things on FBOJ. I appreciate your efforts and you have asked for this repeatedly so you have the right to be annoyed.

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  16. We have a farm here that makes amazing pies. I am glad it is a PITA ride (tailgating assholes, a lot of one lane each way) and half an hour away.

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  17. I haven’t read the rest of the comments yet, but was going to suggest that the people who think “well, she means everybody but me”, that is likely inaccurate and she means everybody. Every body? Every day i never know if it should be everybody or every body. Anyway, she means all of us.

    I feel this way because I work in IT and there is a system you are supposed to follow to get support. I despise the people who walk right up to me like I have nothing better to do and say “I hate to bother you, but…” or “I KNOW I should call support, but I thought this would be faster…” Oh that gets on my last nerve. Then I dislike whoever (whomever? I suck) it is that asked even if that person is generally a nice person. Because while that ONE person thinks it’s no big deal, it’s JUST ONE QUESTION, so do all the other persons, so while you are only bothering me ONE TIME add that up with all the other people who think it is OK to bother me JUST ONE TIME and pretty soon I am behind on my actual job.

    Talk about the blog here. Not any other outlets.

    Boy. I got ranty, didn’t I?

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    • I GET this, except my requests were, I have a letter of reprimand I want to issue an employee and I don’t want to wait two weeks for the other lady to get to it, can you get this done this afternoon!
      P.S. I’m pretty sure June means ALL of us.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. I love cereal. It’s the main reason I could stand the self-absorbed people in Seinfeld – I loved Jerry’s cabinet full of cereal. I often consume it for dinner or a before-bed-snack. BTW, I count oatmeal as cereal, and it is my very favorite. All that being said, I’ve never called it breakfast cereal, but it would probably be helpful to those who have a burning need to know what version of cereal I’ve had that day. I haven’t encountered those people.

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  19. I rarely eat cereal, but I have one that I like (I have celiac disease). It is gluten free. I have not been able to find it any of my usual places to order like Amazon or Target. I finally called the 1-800 and they told me they have discontinued my cereal. Now I will have no cereal for dinner or snacks or anything. I am very annoyed.

    Love the pictures. I am an after-Tallulah blog friend, but super cute. I am also a blog friend who has a blog and most people I know do not know I write a blog – because there are embarrassing things to write about my children, my in-laws, etc., so it is anonymous. I can guess that worlds colliding would be annoying. Love the ‘no talking behind our backs with June’ comment. I would be THRILLED if you or anyone here wanted to leave me a comment on my blog. That would make my no-more-yummy-cereal crappy-till-you-leave-me-a-comment day! Just saying.

    We have a dental hygienist how is super amazing and incredibly fast. She does not deliver a painful cleaning when she has to poke at us. If I am not careful we get stuck with the other hygienist. Her hands shake – a lot. I feel that is an occupation hazard and leads to a very painful poking. Which is never good.

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    • My mother worked for Kregees which later became Kmart before she married my father. She loved those places and taught us to love them too.

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  20. What would happen if you used a standard anywhere-that-isn’t-here reply?

    “Sorry, but if I have time and can be bothered to deal with those who can’t honor requests or think they are so special that they merit individual treatment in the locale of their choice, I plan to copy your message and paste it into a blog comment and reply to you over there so I can keep all that content in one place, the locale of my choice. Or not.”

    Or just ignore them.

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      • Steve, June obviously gets a toothbrush at her dentist to tell her future.
        By the way, I take navy blue to be sensible, goes with everything, reliable.
        Maybe that is coming your way. A sensible phase of life, in all areas.

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  21. I love reading all of the comments but I really love going down to the bottom to see the status of you paying off the fence. I’m cheering you on!

    Also, I have lousy teeth. I brush and floss and use a water pick and do everything I’m supposed to – still my teeth are lousy. Thanks for that genetics.

    Like

  22. Also? I remember the day you found Talu. You called me and we were sooooo excited and you missed that job interview. Best thing ever. What a wonderful day. Love you, Joon.

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  23. I had dinner cereal last night. Oatmeal Crisp. It was indeed crisp. One of those mother-f*ckin’ flakes liked to have killed me.

    Today is National Cat Day. A picture of Baby Lu works for me. Sweet Lu.

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  24. This was one of the reasons I stopped blogging. People would bring it up in social situations and it got to be overwhelming and uncomfortable. I now keep my thoughts to myself, my guy and my Mom and Dad. Sometimes a few others, including you – but I try not to burden others now as everyone’s lives seem so complicated lately. Cancer, surgeries, Alzheimer’s, death. Ugh. Getting old sucks. Sorry for the Debbie Downer comment. A friend of mine died yesterday and I am still reeling.

    Like

    • Pal from MA,
      I’m so sorry for your loss. We still miss our close friend who died a year ago today and continue to want to either call him or expect to hear from him.
      Sadie

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  25. not unreasonable. It’s just like sorting and filing and staying organized. it’s overwhelming getting messages from all over all the time.

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  26. I love dental swag bags. I have never received a lip balm, only toothbrush and dental floss. I would really enjoy some lip balm. Thank you for the reminder – I need to make an appointment for a cleaning (maybe I need to ask for the lip balm?)
    Also, I really love your writing.

    Laurie (Lucy’s mom, also, Laurie in NB Canada)

    Like

  27. The comment thing would annoy me too, stay in the lane!

    And gee thanks for putting 867-5309 in my head…I got your number on the wall…

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  28. Laughed at the hunk gazing soulfully out his window over your frequent dental visits probably pondering if you are masochistic and if he should have swiped the other way last time. The rest of you can make up the story about which swipe he is regretting.
    Dear June’s people, if you want June to like you, you must use the correct cubby for your comments. Is this too much to ask? Cubby “B” is for all Blog related Blather. BBB

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  29. I would be irked but I have a hair trigger iriatation sensor. You have repeatedly asked for blog discussion to stay on blog and not use other avenues. Some people must not believe you are including them.

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  30. “A soupcon of censure” has gone to the top of my new favorite phrases. Except my censure is sometimes not so “soupcon”…I’ll work on that!

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  31. First of all, June, you should know that I had Cheerios for dinner the other night. Dinner cereal. D. Baby Talu! And IX. You are perfectly reasonable in requesting that blog comments be posted on your blog.

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  32. In Maine, people call cottages CAMPS! CAMPS! WTF? There are many lakes up here (away from the ocean side of the state) and everyone who goes to their cabin on a lake goes to their camp. I’m not from here, so it irks me so. Really? Your camp? Does someone play the trumpet to wake you in the morning? Is there a mess hall? Did you do crafts and meet your long lost twin and switch parents? Nope. It’s one house, a cabin or cottage a shack even!
    It’s not a camp! (is what I scream in my mind at people)

    Liked by 2 people

    • Snort! I was once awakened by a very fancy RV with an organ in it playing Oh What A Beautiful Morning. It was at a campground in Chincoteague, VA. I loved it, naturally.

      Like

  33. Should I get a sonicare toothbrush? I use an electric one and my dentist person doesn’t count out loud! Pretty much the only thing I’ve got going for me is relatively decent teeth so someone tell me if I need one!

    Full of questions today. Next one. Pie shops. Are they really delicious? Or is it like when you think you’re going to get a delicious cookie at the mall and those cookie stores just taste yuck?

    I think commenting here makes sense. If you put something in one location, the response would be there too.

    Thought provoking post today!

    Like

    • We have a farm here that makes amazing pies. I am glad it is a PITA ride (tailgating assholes, a lot of one lane each way) and half an hour away.

      Like

  34. “Poker? I don’t even know her” is one of my most favorite snickerry jokes ever.

    Also too, I think it’s sort of weird that people want to leave blob comments out there, in the real world, out loud in the air. Or in IM or text. Clearly, boundaries are not being observed. You are NOT unreasonable.

    Like

  35. I feel like you KEEP saying this about the comments and I swear every time I see a discussion start up on Facebook, I cringe. (And internally yell PUT YOUR BLOG COMMENTS ON THE BLOG!).

    Like

  36. For some reason, I brush too hard with a manual toothbrush, so have been using a Sonicare brush for several years and my gums thank me daily that they are no longer tortured.

    Why am I not surprised that a toothbrush purchased at a beauty supply store would be crap? Sorry that it damaged your gums and may they continue to improve.

    BABY TALLULAH!

    Like

  37. Hope I don’t annoy, but I try not to. Otherwise, I’ll have to become an honorary Ellen Jamesian (Garp!).

    Here in Minnesota we go “up north” or “to the cabin” or, to Wisconsin. Book Club Fall Trip was to Decorah, IA a few weeks ago for the art crawl. Wonderful artists, lots of cool stuff, and I did pretty well in my haul.

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  38. I do not think you are being unreasonable about your comment request but I would suffer in silence in my Waspy way and die of a heart attack like my Waspy mother or have a stroke behind my eye like her sister for holding it all in for so long. I desire to be more outspoken like you, men ask for what they want all the damn time and don’t worry about being called cranky.

    Like

    • I feel your pain (and u r so right honestly) but I feel the need to do my bluebird best & list Some Wasp Pros. When u r a female wasp you may:
      * take to your bed (to make your point)
      * be indisposed/retire to the upstairs (to do what you damn please)
      * no excessive hugging (everybody wins)
      Obvs stroking out is bad but not having to hug excessively is pretty rad.

      Like

  39. June, I too have had a number problem at the dentist. They told me to get a WaterPik Flosser and it would greatly improve. I thought a WaterPik Flosser would mean you didn’t have to do regular flossing any more. No…….no…….no. Do both. 😁

    Like

  40. Why is it that over the last couple of years dentists are all into that pokey thing? And why doesn’t insurance cover that damn scraping thing they must do to save your teeth? Obviously this has happened to me and everyone in my family recently, including teenagers. Seems a bit of dentistry du jour. Rant over.

    Like

  41. Poker face?
    No, but I wanted to.

    that’s the way the joke went, in MY family.

    Other than that, I shall endeavor to try to always comment here and never anywhere else.

    Signed,
    How to Be a Better Blog Consumer

    Like

  42. Lovely post, Coot.

    Baby Lu, be still my heart. I had a dream you got a new puppy and Edz was all excited about the pup. I went to hour house and Edz was all cuddles up with the puppy thinking it was a kitten. It was a nice dream.

    Like

  43. Dear June, I read your post today and just want to say that you are not cranky! I would find it irksome to receive texts and emails when there are comments here.

    Also. Baby Lu.

    Like

  44. You are training us well! Someday we will be the best (not) blog readers out there!

    And so the blue light was bad your your gums? Do gums like the dark better? Or were you subconsciously brushing harder? Glad it doesn’t seem to be permanent, whatever it was.

    Like

  45. All of the time on the K Mart thing. Now it would probably be Walmart. Also, my photos are just shoved in boxes. I always say it’s a new story every time you look at them.
    Lovely post, June

    Like

  46. I don’t understand why people can’t comment in the comment section, directly under the blog, while they are reading the blog. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

    Like

      • Cheryl, all you have to do is put your name on the…name line, just under the e-mail address line. Then hit post comment button. It’s really simple, believe me, I am the most technically challenged old person around.

        Like

  47. I appear to be first, but I’m sure as soon as I hit Post someone else will have beat me to it. Oh well, yes, we all agree that we want to talk to each other HERE. Don’t be whispering to June behind our backs on some back channel! We all have to know everything. Hee Hee

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  48. I don’t think you’re being ureasonable at all. Blog is here, comments are here, you respond here. Let’s not just bleed it out all over. We don’t brush our teeth at our desk, we keep our morning rituals together at home, right?

    I really want blueberry pie now, it’s my favorite. #whysoobese

    Like

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