June somes it up

I feel like I have many small things to catch you up on, so I will divide today’s hard-hitting post into categories.

Some Pig
My phone, home computer, and computer at work are all hooked up now in an Apple way, through no fault of my own except probably I clicked something that told the Apple people, “Yeah, go ahead.”

My point is, if I work on something at work and save it to my desktop, it’s also on my desktop at home. This is convenient.

However, one thing that’s screwy is whenever someone texts me, it BLOOPS across my work computer screen. Recently my cousin Katie sent me a “hilarious” joke text that involved a rather endowed gentleman, and his whole naked self BLOOPED across my work computer.

“Thanks.” I texted her back. “You just got me fired.”

Anyway, that’s a shame, but what isn’t a shame is yesterday afternoon when a picture of a teensy black pig flashed on m’screen.

“So this just showed up at our doorstep,” texted Lilly. My friend Lilly. Not my cat Lily. I’d have led with that.

Turns out they had a runaway pig on their hands, and this is why I’d rather live in the country, if only they could make the country snakeless like they did with grapes. Not that grapes had snakes. But remember how annoying all those seeds were? Not that snakes had seeds.

“The only thing that ever shows up on my doorstep is a meth addict,” I kvetched.

She kept me updated all night (“Don’t be a boar,” I wrote. “Keep me posted via the ham radio.”) and they could not catch the pig, although they now know who OWNS said pig, which is a shame because of course her next question was did I want a pig and my answer was a thousand times yes and this is what happens when there is no one to reel me in.

Some Dog
The heart pills Edsel is on have been a miracle. I swear it. He’s like a puppy right now, and I know this is a temporary thing but it might be temporary for years, so I am glad. Think how much fun he’d have with a pig.

But really. He can play, he leaps around joyously, he’s the Edsel from last year and not this plodding lazy character I’d assumed was here because of old age. Remember in It’s a Wonderful Life when they carry mom down the stairs before the big dance, and she lands on her husband’s lap and says, “My blood pressure!” That’s been Edsel for the last year. Always clasping at his heart and feeling woozy.

Some Phantom

Last night I went to my old movie theater despite the fact that they tore up the parking lot nearby, put in paradise, and now parking is a pain in my fucking patoot. I like how saying “fucking” is okay but I have to use an ass euphy. Euphy. How much do you hate me? How much of a patoot am I?

Anyway, they had an organist, and I should show him that text from my cousin Katie, he wants to see an organ, but anyway the organist always stands and talks to you sort of endlessly about the movie and what music he’ll be using and then last night he told us his grandmother had been an organist for silent movies and we all got misty. Play misty for me, organist.

But the other thing is he mentioned that musical about the Phantom of the Opera and I never once put two and two together that they were the same thing. You know how I am about musicals.

Is that the one where they sing MIDNIGHT! NOT A SOUND ON THE PAVEMENT!? Because that overwrought song can go fuck itself. It can go euphy itself.

Anyway the movie was pretty good if you like silent movies where everyone is as dramatic as possible.

You’re here so I’m gonna assume a little drama never bothered you.

That phantom was every dude who’s ever swiped right on me. “Okay, look, I know I have nostrils the size of potholes and I live five stories under the opera. But you should give me a chance.”

Also, our heroine had June hair.

And she was just slightly an asshole. She had a fiance but blew him off totally when some voice in the walls told her he’d make her a star. What a gold digger. What a basement digger.

Then when it turns out he’s not a 10, she gets back together with the first guy, who had an unfortunate ’70s pornstache. And he’s all, Okay. Like she’s the only June hair in town.

Anyway, I’m glad I went to see it even if I did have to park 45 miles away in a rape garage.

I guess that wraps up my day. I have ANOTHER APPOINTMENT today and then tomorrow I am blissfully free of meeting with anyone other than my regularly scheduled employer and this dog with a new heart.

Don’t forget, you don’t have to add a name or email address to comment. But maybe sign your name at the bottom of your comment so I know who you are.

Some blogger,
June

86 thoughts on “June somes it up

  1. Hi June, I’m so glad Edz is feeling better. Wish we had an old timey theatre in my area. Have a great Halloween (I shall scurry through the traffic and hide out at home before the little zombies come out to play).

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  2. Speaking of It’s a Wonderful Life (we WERE speaking of that, weren’t we?), there is a new editor at work who hasn’t been too friendly but I’ve chalked it up to her being introverted; so yesterday, when she actually seemed a little more friendly, I pointed to the picture taken of me and some coworkers who now work remotely and said, “See? There’s a picture we all took – that’s Sabrina. And that’s Susan. And that’s CJ…” And she suddenly became the accountant from Elmira in It’s a Wonderful Life, when George Bailey tries to show him the front page headlines about Harry Bailey getting the Medal of Honor – you know, when the guy just sort of says, “Yes, hmmph, I hear they do that sort of thing now” and went back to talking about business? She totally did that.

    That movie is everything.

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  3. Hilarious post. We, me and my husband, were watching Phantom of the Opera and right at the dramatic music part a bat flew across the room. We never finished the DVD. Edz saz better life thru kimestree. That’s good news.
    Tee

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  4. Do not get the pig. We had a “miniature” pig when I lived in Alaska. He’s as big as a couch now. Mini pigs do not exist unless they were just born. Then they grow HUuuuge. That is all.

    So glad to hear about Edz!! Yaaay for pills! 🐶🌈

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  5. Great post as always. I wish we had a theater like that. It looks like that would be a blast to go to. Your captions made me laugh out loud. Busted at work again!

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  6. Are your work computers Apple? Because mine are not but that would be a happy day if I could link my work/home computer and continue on various projects. Not “real”work though because healthcare and HIPPA frown on that big time. I run occasionally on the tow path close by (and run is in air quotes) on Saturday morning and its isolated in spots although usually lots of people around. When I get out past a few miles from the parking lot, it becomes scary and rapey, with single men walking along. I’m sure they are just out for their morning stroll but sometimes they are just weird and it makes me wish I had a tazer while running!

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  7. so happy Eds is better! we had dog Drama this weekend, rainy weather weekend a board in the privacy fence, so our dog & the neighbor dogs had a big fight. Thankfully their two pitts are just fine, our dog (60lb mutt) he didn’t fare so well. He’s going to be fine after several thousand in vet bills.

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      • wish the attack would help his dumb self realize he isn’t as tough as he thinks he is, but nope he still thinks he is all that and a bag of chips. Also grateful that honestly none of the dogs involved are mean or viscous, it was just a territorial dispute.

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  8. Excellent post, old Coot!
    I’m so glad Big Pharma has come through for Edsel.
    I will be seeing Cats this weekend and singing along. I may not sing well, or even on key, but I make up for that by singing loudly and with gusto. I’m sure I will be the Best on my Row. Maybe even in my Section!

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  9. The news about Edsel makes MY heart so happy…for him and you, too! Glad you’ll be done with dr appts, too. Have a most happy weekend!!

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  10. I was terrified of the dark basement of the rapey garage the valet parking at the hospital in Philadelphia put our car in when we had to stay for the weekend the first time he had chemo and coded and almost died. No valet service on weekends?! WTF?! I had to make my husband go with me and he was all pissy about it. I went from a hero (had not cried once the entire time) to a zero in no time. Even my shrink who can be one tough bitch was on my side on that one. I admire you people. I do use the garages at our local hospital with my keys between my fingers but they are well lit.
    So happy for Eds return to a puppy like state. The right meds make all the difference.
    I envy you that cool old theater. I am too far from one here. One of my fantasies has been to hit the lottery and open one but Disney is locking up the Waren Brothers (I think) catalog they bought. I am not happy about that at all. I swear the arts people always get dry fecked, never the sportsball ones.

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  11. Great news about Edsel! I am so glad he’s back to his happy goofy self!
    I have never seen the silent movie of Phantom of the Opera, but I’ve seen the musical four times…it’s divine! (If you like that sort of thing.)

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  12. We have a tunnel on the walking path near my work I call the rape tunnel. I use to park in the rape garage across the street. Now I’m just in a big open parking lot.

    So happy to hear Edsel is feeling better. My dog is currently broken out in some kind of rash so I dosed her with Benadryl before work but I’m worries she’s going to scratch her face off by the time I get home.

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    • We had a tunnel that was under the six lane boulevard that my first job was on in Philadelphia . We left in a group and it wasn’t bad that way but I remember not even being scared if I left early. Sears was a huge place (catalog center and retail store in one) that employed hundreds of people.

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  13. I once saw a pig that looked like that one running down the side of the road on a December evening. He was definitely on a mission. It made my whole week.

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    • I once saw a goat in a similar situation. On the highway. Looking for adventure. I called zee authorities and while they were very polite they were also kinda “ehhh” as I was one of *many* panicked GoatOnHighway! callers plus the goat was a repeat offender. So definitely a goat on a mission. Maybe he dreamed of life in the big city?

      So glad to hear Edsel is doing well. Yay!

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  14. Maybe that was a greased pig and that’s why Lilly and Chris couldn’t catch it. Love the dried up granny apple. I am so happy that Edsel’s feeling better. I really am. I saw the musical Phantom of the Opera in San Francisco a few years ago. I loved the music so much that I bought the CD. I just discovered another phrase to add to my irk list: kittycat. Oh, how that irks.

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  15. So happy for Edsel! I wonder what’s in those pills. I want some of that. I had forgotten how creepy Phantom of the Opera was.

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  16. Hey June, I’m usually like 2 or 3 days behind on reading your blog, so when I do read, I feel like I shouldn’t comment on older posts. Does it bug you if people comment on posts from a couple of days ago? I sometimes want to comment and then don’t because I don’t want to annoy people.

    Anyway. Love your blog and I will try to comment more!

    Cate in VA

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    • This is me, too, always a day or two behind, and all the clever things have already been said. I have Blog Comment Performance Anxiety.

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      • Also, too, I am so thrilled to hear Edsel is feeling better! Hoping there is good news soon on the Eyeris front. I love your furry kids so much. I just tried to make a “that’s what she said” joke, but that’s over now, right? See, BCPA, it’s a real thing, y’all.

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      • Good to know because I can be late too. I fell down a hole on youTube this morning. Pure Prairie League and Vince Gill and hot nineteen seventies men with gorgeous long hair and sexy porn stashes. I miss that stuff so bad. I miss glam rockers with long bilevel shags, glitter eyeshadow, eyeliner and lipstick. Those were my Glory Days (Thank you, BRUUUUCE) and they had nothing what so ever to do with fucking stupid sportsball.

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  17. June, this post is just da bomb. Where on your list of forbidden phrases does “da bomb” fall?

    I may be incorrect, but I thought you did have someone trying to reel you in when you got Edsel. But when did that ever stop you?
    PJ even though I bet you know that. I’m just trying to follow orders.

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  18. Yay for Edsel’s newfound youth!
    And speaking of people who knock on the door asking for stuff, any mote new neighbor sightings?

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  19. Some post. I still cry at that book. I think you found Apple’s new spokesmodel in Granny Smith. Get the codger demographic.
    Stacey

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  20. Lovely post, June. I loved all the captions.

    I’m so happy for Edsel’s new-found puppyhood and for you. Speaking of hood, the meth addict at your door was scarier than if you had inadvertently attended Phantom of the Opera, the musical. (We intentionally saw the musical version at the famous Fox Theatre in Atlanta many years ago. Sadly, I don’t think the actress had June hair. Well, if she did, I wouldn’t have recognized it as such since I didn’t know you at the time.)

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  21. “Midnight – not a sound from the pavement!” is from Cats the musical (the song is called “Memory”, I believe) So it’s a different Andrew Lloyd Weber musical.

    I’m so glad to hear that Edsel is feeling better.

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  22. Come for the drama. Stay for the good news ’bout Edsel. Yay Edsel!

    I just read that they’re CHANGING trick or treat hours because the weather is predicted to be less than perfect. What the actual hell? How many times did we have to figure out how to shove a winter coat and boots under our grocery store Halloween costume and venture out into the freezing rain and high winds after dark? What kind of life are these kids going to have if they always expect good weather on Halloween??? And I swear they trick or treat at like 2PM – wouldn’t want anyone to get run over now, would we? I’m only answering the door on October 31. Then I’m saving the rest of the candy for myself.

    Love you June!

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    • OH MY GOD I totally agree, WTF with changing Halloween trick or treating days!! Deal with the rain kids, welcome to life!

      And I’m so glad Edsel is doing better, he’s a good boy.

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    • Wait. How do you change trick-or-treat hours? We started pounding the pavement as soon as it was dark but there were no set hours, although anyone knocking on doors after 9:00pm risked getting yelled at. Back then, homeowners didn’t shoot first and ask questions later; they just chewed you out if they even bothered to answer the door.

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      • It snowed here last night and it’s cold (for here) today. My daughter says this reminds her of having to choose a costume that fit over her coat when she was a kid.

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  23. I love this post and was not boared at all!

    Granny Smith!

    Yay for Edsel’s happy heart.

    I’ve never had a meth addict show up at my door, but I once had a homeless man knock on my door at 11:30 pm and ask for a blanket. It was cold so I gave him a blanket.

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    • One early evening there was a knock on my door. I looked through the peephole but didn’t see anyone at first. Then I saw movement off to the side so I opened the door. There was some woman, who looked to be homeless, lurking in the corner and when I asked what she wanted, she mumbled something about selling candy. I said “no, thank you” and shut the door and she shuffled back down the walkway and headed off down the street. Now I have a doorbell camera and can just find out what they want without having to actually open the door.

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      • This guy knew me from my former workplace (and apparently knew where I lived because of the liquor store down the street). Still it was a bit surreal to open the door at night to have a tipsy guy say, “Hi, Kathy, do you have a blanket I can use?”
        Me: “Here you go, Rocky, be safe out there.”
        My daughter: “WTF? Seriously?”

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  24. I’m so happy for Edsel. I developed a weird beaty thing with m’own heart a couple of years ago and it took a bit for the doc to find the right medicine but once he did I felt so much better. I, too, am hoping to go on for several more years!

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  25. I had a friend who worked at the stage door for the theater in Toronto where Phantom (the musical) played for a decade. They had several different guys who played the title role, but there was one she always swore was singing, “Sing my bagel!” Instead of “Sing my angel!” Now, of course, I can’t hear the music without thinking of singing baked goods.

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  26. Excellent news about Edsel! Lovely post, you crack me up. So, I am guessing you did not encounter You Know Who since he has been known to frequent that movie theater.

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  27. Oh I love posts like this! I’m so happy about Edsel. I love that pig.
    The caption on Granny Smith made me laugh so loud I scared my sullen teenaged son.
    And every time you write “O Edsel god” I think about it throughout the day and laugh again every time.

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