Breakfast in prison

Yesterday at lunch, I ordered Panera (grain bowl) and right now I’ve just turned on the oven to warm up that ridiculous loaf of bread they give you. It’s not good unless you warm it. Otherwise it’s a sad hard cold chunk of white bread you can’t chew unless you’re a mastodon.

I guess mastodons would be better at shish kabob than Panera bread.

I also ordered a goddamn salad from Panera, to eat after my trainer last night, the trainer who, mother of god, was tryina kill me. When I first get there, I get on the elliptical for 10 minutes, a thing that used to exhaust me and now I don’t even notice I’m doing it. We’re usually catching up on our lives during those 10 minutes.

“Today we’re going to be doing some couple work,” she said, pursing her lips at me as I made the scissoring gesture. She probably takes a nice Xanax before I arrive.

Hang on. Lemme go see if my bread is good…

It’s still a little like breakfast for prisoners, but whatever. Am famished. Am certain the other side of my scissor would be delighted I’m having bread and also butter this morning.

Anyway, we did things like she’d step up on that box and do a bicep curl while I did a squat. Then I’d do a bicep curl on that box while she squatted.

There was one time where I sat at that one machine where the weight is on your feet and you lift it up till your thighs are screaming that they want a divorce

while she did jumping jacks. Then it was my turn to jumping fucking jack while she lifted and then we did it all over again, trying to beat the number of reps we did the time before. Then I killed myself.

No one has eaten a salad with more gusto than your pal June, over here, afterward. The soundtrack was just me crunching vigorously.

And that about sums up yesterday, other than pesky work, which required me to work all day. The nerve.

Oh! Also, after my delicious and oh-so-satisfying salad (did not at all want a giant roasted chicken and some mashed potatoes) I watched my show. Do you watch The Durrells in Corfu? It’s on Masterpiece Theater, which a circa 1994 boyfriend of mine used to call Masturbator Theater. We aren’t together any longer.

Let me digress for a moment. Once we were headed to a party. “I think you’ll really like my friend’s tattoo he just got,” he told me in the car. “It’s a Monet. I know you like Monet.”

All the way there, I’m thinking, how on earth do you make a tattoo of a Monet? How do you make it all slurry with the lines and so on? It fascinated me. I could not wait to get there and see the Monet tattoo.

“Show June your new tat,” said old Masturbator Theater.

The guy exposed his shoulder.

There? Was a Nagel. Not just a Nagel. It was a Nagel of a woman bent over grabbing her shins.

Nagel. Monet. I’ll bet they were friends.

Anyway. Not long ago I discovered The Durrells in Corfu, a fairly true account of an actual family who moved from England to Greece in the ’30s. Everyone in the family is delightfully quirky. It’s like Eight is Enough with likeable characters and not that irksome Joanie with her side ponytail.

MY POINT IS, my Firestick told me another episode was ready and I gleefully turned it on and

what

what the…

IT WAS THE SERIES FINALE. I had no idea it was going to end! Oh my god that was devastating, and I realize I have to get a life and grab life by the shins and so on but that pretty much finished me for the day.

Every time I like a show it ends. I really liked this one show back in the early 2000s about this family who lived in Philadelphia in the 1960s. They were Catholic and the girl danced on American Bandstand. I loved it.

Canceled.

I adored this show called I Love Dick. One season. Canceled.

I like to think it’s my refined tastes. I’m too lofty for the common man, what with my scissor jokes and couch from the secondhand store. Not to mention my raspberry beret.

I have to go. My throat is still fixing to hurt and that adds insult to Corfu injury, frankly.

Sincerely,
June Gardens

69 thoughts on “Breakfast in prison

  1. I just got to read this today. I feel the same way about shows getting canceled! For a while, every show I liked would get canceled after one season or once I think it was mid-season! I swear they were decently entertaining shows!
    It’s sort of nice that your trainer works out with you! I haven’t been to a trainer, so I assumed they just stood there telling you what to do and watching you sweat and want to pass out.

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  2. If my husband likes a show, it’s the kiss of death. Of course, he generally likes really bad shows, so it could be worse.

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  3. I loved Freaks and Geeks. Only one season though. As soon as we saw it was on Netflix, my husband and I watched the whole series again.
    Most of the actors went on to be very successful.

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  4. I love Panera Bread. And all the other things in this post of which I have had no knowledge. Durells, Corfu, Nagels…all news to me. Education of Oldsters here at the Blog of June.

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  5. As such I will not invest my time unless it has at least 2 seasons. I was crushed when Pushing Daisies cancelled and had to wrap everything up in about 3 shows.

    You and your trainer are a good couple.

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  6. First, I love that the top of the comment section says “57 thoughts on Prison Breakfast” like we are a cohort of food critics for the correctional system. Heeee!
    Second, men and Nagels. I’ll never understand. I distinctly remember serious huffing and puffing from Mr. Texas when I suggested we sell his in a garage sale a few years ago. He was stunned. I ASSURED him it would never ever hang on our walls and DESERVED to go to another home. Lordy!

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    • 57 thoughts on prison breakfast
      Cohort of food critics for the correctional system

      Laughing out loud at your comment, Texas Kari!

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  7. Love the Durells. The book is great too. The younger boy Gerry wrote it: “My family and other animals”. I have glanced at Larry’s books and they all look too high falutin’ for me.

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  8. I clicked on the “Emails with Ned” link at the bottom and I haven’t laughed like that in a long time.

    Anyway. God, I hate Nagel prints. They’re just, I dunno, tacky and remind me of what what sorority girls thought was sophisticated back in 1985.

    There was a show that came on a few years ago, can’t remember the name but it was about a cult. Wait. That was the name: “Cult” and it was about a TV show called “Cult” and the show would switch between the “show within a show” and the actual show and it was weird and trippy and I loved it and then it was abruptly cancelled. Bastards.

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  9. The end of the Durells, the end of the Affair, and this is the last season of Poldark, as well. I hate when a bunch of good shows all finish. When Call the Midwives ends it will be a sad day indeed.

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  10. You are amazing, June! So glad you are keeping up with the program – the exercise and healthy eating! I started the gym in earnest at 40 and was a total gym-rat until about 60. Then – well, life happened and I fell away but I still do yoga and Zumba and try to walk a lot and I stay active. If you get a good habit going now, it will help you sail through “old age” – whatever that is. I have always said that I plan to live a long time and I am going to feel good doing it…Love your writing – i makes my day start happy!

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  11. I watched the Durrell’s a couple of years ago. Loved it, but there are more seasons now ? I am confused. Thought I watched in it’s entirety. Please advise.

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  12. I must live under a rock. I have never heard of these shoes. We liked a show forever ago called Sports night. Felicity Huffman was in it. That was a great show. Oh Felicity, where did you go wrong?

    I get so hungry after a tough workout. I do protein shake and protein bar and meals and still – hungry all day! Love the thighs going to divorce you.

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  13. It is part maddening and part adorable when a BBC series gets canceled because they have like 6? 8? episodes per season (vs. I dunno 23? 43? crap episodes per US network show).

    Like, really?

    Six more episodes is right out. Can’t possibly manage another six. Where would we find the time?

    So adorable. (Also June I loved this hysterical post & yesterday’s too. Hope ya feel better.)

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    • You are so right!! I mean, Sherlock has three episodes per season. THREE! Yeah, that’s not a season. Not charming, BBC!

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  14. I wanted to watch The Durrells in Corfu but during the episode I had no idea what they were talking about or why this or that had such significance. I never tried again. I guess it’s important to start at episode one.

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  15. You are so right about Panera bread. It’s delicious if it’s warm, but you put your jaw outta place if you try to eat it cold. A funny post as usual!

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  16. Oh, I need to learn to stream and see that girl who lived in Philadelphia and danced on Bandstand in the 1960s show. I would have been all over that. My friend’s big sister did that for real and so did my sister-in-law’s aunt. I was too young.
    Love your scissor sister jokes. She must find you amusing. Even stale real bread sounds good. I go wild with joy when I have real bread, not the diet version which is what I have ninety-five percent of the time now.

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  17. Loved, loved, loved The Durrells in Corfu. Watched the series finale twice. So sad it ended. PBS has a program on next Sunday night called The Durrell’s after Corfu. Should be interesting.

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  18. I love love love the Durrells. When everyone is arguing in Greek it sounds just like my father’s family. And then they always tell the English nothing is wrong. Memories!
    Good news on the Masturbator theatre front. They are re-making All Creatures Great and Small which was basically designed for you June. English vet in Yorkshire. -Stacey

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  19. I just finished The Durrells this morning and now I feel sad that I will miss that family. I loved them!
    Your trainer sounds like she’ s good at keeping your workouts interesting as well as challenging. It’s great that you can see your progress.

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  20. I read a trilogy years back and loved the books so much I re-read them when the first book was going to be televised. That book was The Passage and I loved it so much, my husband read them as well as my daughter and her husband. The Passage was on last winter and was canceled after the end of the book and they will not be televising the other two books. Damn. Aunt Kathy

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  21. It’s hard when shows we love are finished, but to not know it was the last episode? Heartbreaking. No time to prepare yourself. I admire you going to a trainer and eating salads. Both are things I should consider. Hope you continue to stave off the sickness.

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  22. I meant to comment yesterday but stupid work was busy. You look really thin in your pole(dark?) picture from yesterdays post. Good job to you and your trainer.

    Lovely post, lovely June, yesterday and today.

    Hey. do we need to sign in to post? What about enter an email?

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  23. I liked Poldark the first couple of seasons, then I lost interest. I love 18th century history, so in my humble opinion, the clothing is magnificent.
    Tee

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  24. Well, I’ve added another show to my watch list (I have 16 days off, 12/18-1/3; that’s a lot of TV ground to cover).

    My office just started a Sweetgreen delivery thing. That app’s gonna kill my bank account but someone bringing a salad to to me so I don’t have to go out in nature? Yes, please. Also, healthier than the vending machine crap (but far less tasty, TBCH). I don’t work out, though. I feel like if you work out, you should get a better reward than a salad and bread you can’t hardly chew. (#nothelpful)

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      • I loved American Dreams, too. The last episode I saw was her riding off with her boyfriend on his motorcycle. I think it was canceled after that, so I always wondered what happened. Will Estes from that show is Jamie on Blue Bloods.

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  25. I loved the Durrells also, but figured it wouldn’t go longer than the four seasons, as that corresponds to how long they were there in real life. And Poldark. Just not as sexy as earlier, so morose this year. And Press, the newsroom one, really like that, and I’m sure they won’t have more.

    Go June with the trainer! I’ve done it in the past and I felt so strong! Now to get back…

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  26. I am also a curse to shows, if I like it, it will be cancelled. I loved this show Lipstick Jungle with Brooke Shields and Andrew Mcarthy where he is pretty much playing Blane from Pretty in Pink, grown up and rich.

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  27. I have loved watching The Durrells in Corfu! We need at least one more season! Spiros and what’s her name need to be reunited! Eliza?

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  28. Lovely post Coot.

    I too love the Durrels or as my Kahuna calls it the Dufurs on Corfu.
    The books are really good too.

    Also, and too I think I need a personal trainer. One who comes and rolls my large ass out of bed.

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  29. My ex- husband had some Nagel prints and couldn’t understand why I objected to our hanging them in our living room. “But they are classics,” he said. Needless to say we didn’t make it.

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  30. I’m going to be calling Masterpiece Theater Masterbator Theater from now on. Ha!

    There’s a show called Breathless that takes place in the 60’s. It’s about some doctors, their wives and some nurses. It’s so retro and I really got into it. They cancelled it after ONE season. Damn you Masterbator Theater.

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  31. I absolutely love the Durrells! Currently I’m watching Season 2. The one where Larry has the mumps, it rains for days, and they all have to come up with an “entertainment”.

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  32. That’s a kick to the gut to not be prepared the series is ending.

    Also, protein after a workout. It helps your muscles recover.

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