Tea parties and teeth

Yesterday felt like one of those days where you never get to stop running around both at lunch and after work. I hate days like that. My whole goal is to get to the sit-around part. That’s my finish line.

Among other annoying things, I was trying to find a lock for my water spout outside. The guy next door, the one who brought me all the paintings, didn’t have water for months, and I told him he could come fill his bucket with water from my spout when he needed to. I also gave him my bucket, and I’d just like to mention for the record that I couldn’t find a cute replacement bucket so I ordered one online and it’s very, very late. In fact, when you check your order status, it reads, “On its way, but very late.”

No good deed.

Also, I know I don’t need a CUTE bucket, but these are the benefits of living alone. No one to give me shit about needing an avocado-colored bucket (except for all 10 of you I just told this to).

My point is I was coming home after dark the other night, with my swinging singles lifestyle, and saw lights on in his place. Yesterday at lunch when I was running about doing 40-hundred things, I saw him.

“Did you get your power back on?” I’d been calling the water company about his WATER but not his power.

“Yep, we got it all back on,” he said. “Then yesterday I up and collapsed.”

Seems he lost consciousness; fell right onto the street. “I wasn’t even drunk,” he told me. Neighbors called the ambulance and hauled him off. Then he showed me all the places they gave him shots and IVs.

“What did they say was wrong?” I asked.

“Don’t know. I was there for three hours and never saw a doctor so I walked home.”

I believe he and I have differing opinions on self-care.

The point is, I swear I heard someone taking my water the other night. Maybe I’m hallucinating it, but I wanted a lock. If anyone had just ASKED to have some water I’d have said okay, but just blatantly taking it rankles.

Turns out Lowe’s will bait-and-switch you, tell you there’s a lock for faucets right in the store, but there is not.

You’ll scream over there after work, acutely aware that your heart-patient dog is home winding his pee watch, and bupkis.

No one took any water last night, though. I was poised dramatically with a flashlight to jump out at them like I was waiting for The Great Pumpkin, and zip. In a way it was disappointing.

Remember my old neighborhood where people had tea parties and teeth?

Anyway.

Thank you all for your stories yesterday. It wasn’t that comment-y of a day but I saw all you ghouls came back a lot to read comments. They were heartbreaking and in every single case I thought, Well, you should forgive yourself on that one. It’s so easy to do that for others.

Oh! And the other thing that happened yesterday is my friend in real life, Faithful Reader Enormous Member Steve, sent me a riveting article about a blogger from back in the day who eventually started sort of faking it and seeming happier than she was to keep her blog going.

I never got that big as a blogger. I mean, I got bigger than I ever aimed to be. I sent this to 18 people after my first post, and in my heyday I had 4,500 people come by regularly. I had zero ambitions of anyone reading this, ever, so I was just grateful to get that many. Sometimes my lack of ambition seems like a shame and sometimes I think, “I’ll bet I’m a lot less stressed out than most people.” Unless of course I’m waiting for my cute bucket that never arrives and trying to chastity belt my spout.

My assumption is I never got big because I’m not aspirational. I don’t have a house to die for (but apparently my water is quite desirable) and I’ve never seemed to have it all, so why would you stampede over? But the upside, I guess, is when things are in the poop shoot I get to say, Man, things are in the poop shoot.

What’s a poop shoot? Is that an anus? How many times do you find yourself asking that? Who’s with me?

TL;DR, glad I never had gaze out miserably against my exposed-brick wall and pretend everything was okay. But I get the pull of that. I do.

I leave you with the following important issue. I was fact-checking something at work and with my ADD that can be a problem. Because I found out there are modern cuckoo clocks and now I’m obsessed.

I need one, right? I’m cuckoo for current clocks. As soon as my sparkly bucket gets here, I’m getting a clock that cuckoos currently.

Needlessly,
June

P.S. You don’t have to use a name or email address to comment! Look! I remembered to say it today!

100 thoughts on “Tea parties and teeth

  1. I have been working like a banshee–is that a thing? I am caught up now (with YOU not with my work!), but I bet you have written a new post in the mean time. I read that article you linked. I feel bad for that woman. I never read those HUGE bloggers back then. I tried Dooce, but it was fantasy–with no magic. I love to read fantasy, bring on Harry Potter any time, but with no house elves Dooce was just, I don’t know. I couldn’t stomach it. I liked the bloggers who kept it real and created a community. I still do.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  2. TL;DR. Poop shoot/chute. Chastity belts for faucets. The education I get on June’s blog.
    Thanks, June, for making my day, every day.

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  3. You could just unscrew the handle. We did that with the water spout out front when someone turned it one and then left it running. Fortunately I heard it running and went out and turned it off.

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  4. Also, I’m disturbed by the second clock…is the part on the left supposed to be the back of the deer?

    The self care one liner caused beverage spitting.

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  5. So the TL;DR is 5 years old. Big woop as we used to say. This is the only blog I read and never ever ever once has it been TL. And never ever once DR.

    June for the post, muchas gracias, Doll. Commenters for the comments: I love you all, man.

    Came home from 2 very long days sitting bedside in the hospital and this revived my spirit. As you all always do.

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  6. I never heard of TL;DR.
    I thought it was just me who every day was just looking forward to and longing for the sitty-downy time, with pets.
    Thank you always, Joon, for your (non-) blog. Makes my day, as do the many nice readers.

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  7. I was discussing with my husband the other day that I have read your blog for pretty much our entire marriage (14 years last week), because I’m pretty sure I started reading after we moved to Germany. You’ve always been the blog I read every day, even if I don’t comment (despite my best intentions because I unfortunately get distracted by the dreaded “Squirrel!”).

    I feel like you are one of my Michigan friends who lives far away & that I don’t ever get a chance to visit, but I can still keep up with your life because you write your blog. (Sorry, I know that is creepy!)

    I think it’s because you are real (like others have said) & are willing to discuss what is going on even when they aren’t sunshine & roses.

    I like the funny stories about your pets & your various adventures too!

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  8. I will have to go back and read the article about Natalie Jean. I do seem to remember that she’s a special target of the subreddit Blogsnark.

    Being the cynic I am, I’m always suspicious of people who brag about how perfect their life is and especially, people who do what I call “toxic positivity” where they refuse to admit that not everything in their lives is perfect. Those people who do the “no negativity!” or “good vibes only!” are only hurting themselves because life isn’t always fabulous and wonderful; sometimes it’s pretty shitty but if you refuse to admit that, then you aren’t going grow and learn and you’re not grounded in reality.

    “You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life.” – Tootie

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  9. I’ve visited you daily since 2012. I do so because you’re real and you make me laugh. You share the ups and downs. You are relatable and funny as hell.

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  10. TLDR, ha! I never know the current (or 16 yrs past) slang/terms of speech. Come to the June Blog to keep up on pets/curly headedness, learn new things everyday!

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  11. Well I stampede over because you’re an amazing writer – and no matter what you write about it’s a much better read than all of the bloggers with millions of followers.

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  12. of course if you shut the water off at the street, every time a dog or cat needs watering you’ll have to go out and turn it on, then go back out and turn it off. Then if you leave it on while you are at home, you’ll have to spend your time listening very, very carefully for the sound of outside water faucet being turned. In my case, since I’m going deaf I’d never hear the outside faucet or even the inside one for that matter.

    A guy is coming out today from the property mgmt company to clean out the dryer hose and chimney flue….I find myself wishing it were that easy to find a man to clean out MY hose and flue.

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  13. Water thievery story. Absent homeowner/client with house on the market allowed neighbor to run hose from client’s house to neighbor’s yard (Why? I don’t know. Posh neighborhood and everything). Weather got cold, freezing hose and causing flooding in crawl which was not discovered until inspection when house went into escrow. WTF?

    Also, I love the word bupkis.

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  14. Everyone has already expressed exactly how I feel about reading your non-blog ~ you are real and that’s the appeal. You’re writing is hilarious, sometimes raw and honest, sometimes old song or movie referenced that leaves me humming along all day. I especially love following along with the pets (still miss 😦 Steely Dan & Lu) and your curly haired life. And the community built from the commenters is amazing. I read daily, comment only every so often, but laugh & cry & follow alonh with every post and comment. It’s a bright spot in my hectic, overworked, newly empty nest, going back to college life. Thank you!

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  15. Love your posts, they always make me laugh! Thanks for that. You need to have a sponsor of some sort so you can make a lot of money too like some of the fashion & mommy bloggers. You could be a comedy influencer!

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  16. You are real. And you’re funny and an amazingly good story teller. I love reading your blog and have for years now. Things are not picture perfect and that is refreshing to see.

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  17. I JUST learned what tl; dr meant like last week. I feel so enlightened.

    Water thievery is so low… we caught a neighbor using our spigot when he put in his new lawn. Claimed he didn’t want to walk across his new grass to turn his on and off. Have you heard of a timer there bub?

    I just read about that blogger this morning. I used to read her all the time with a side of skepticism. Things were just… too rosy. Now she’ll write a book about being a lying blogger and make a fortune on that.

    Lovely post Junio!

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  18. My plumber put a shutoff valve inside my house for my outside faucet. Of course it is the one by the kitchen that is inside a locked yard anyway. The one that is exposed to the street – well, anyone could access that one! Sigh

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  19. I am happy when things go well for you, so I’m not taking joy in bad things happening, but I like that you keep it real. When you’re going to work with a cat chewed shirt, or you’re trying to live on a budget, you say so. When it’s in the poop chute, you tell us. I feel like I run around with my hair on fire and my brain going a million directions, so those bloggers with perfect lives aren’t relatable. I used to read a mommy blogger who was always plugging her wonderful calendar/organizer that she used to keep all of her life so neat and tidy and perfectly humming along. Her kids were sleep trained, her home was spotless, she made healthy meals, and her hair was perfect. I gave up reading that blog because I couldn’t relate to that perfect life.
    Pets and inappropriate humor is more my style. Thanks for keeping it real, June!

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  20. I loved the chastity belt for the faucet line. I rarely rest. Always something to do between laundry, grocery, dinner making, cleaning up, ortho appointments, repeat. Ugh. I love for down time. Lately I have been ignoring housework and some other shit on my list to WRITE! Hard to carve out time to follow my dreams. Already put Coach thru grad school and then a fellowship and a doctorate. My turn, damn it. I do miss couch time though.

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  21. I also didn’t know what TL;DR meant. It’s been an educational day at June’s again.

    People who take advantage of the kindness of others drive me nuts!

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  22. I love to read your writing because you can sure tell a story. Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? You!!

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  23. I thought it was a typo, glad to learn something new, and I always thought poop chute was a bodily thing, in our house when we have to go in a hurry, it was ok to yell, “I gotta poop in the chute!”, you know, for when you just get home and don’t say hello, just start running to the bathroom, yeah TMI possibly…

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  24. There is no one who deserves a cute bucket more than you, Joon. I also too didn’t know what TL;DR means. You’re never too old to learn, I always say.

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  25. When I have things to do after work/on the way home, I feel beleaguered and harried. I need a driver and personal assistant. Now I’m driving my husband (vision problem) and teen son around, so you can imagine how that thrills me. Where’s my couch?!?

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  26. I read (lurk) because your writing is funny and heartwarming and just a joy to read (even when they are sad – you write amazing tributes to your friends and family who have passed). And I find myself rooting for you and enjoying your photos, despite the fact that I have zero pets and like it that way. Plus you go well with the morning coffee. But also I read (lurk) because of the community you have build among your commenters. The support that they offer to one another is inspiring. Honestly, I don’t remember how I found your blog originally, but I’m glad I did. -Trisha (trying not to be a creepy lurker)

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  27. Great post. I hope you’ll be able to get to the sitting around part sooner today.

    You might find one of those faucet doohickeys at Walmart. When they were building the house next to my son’s place, the contractors were helping themselves to his water. When he confronted them, they said they didn’t think he’d mind and offered to pay him $20 when they were finished. He told them where they could stick their hoses.

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  28. I think your house is fabulous.

    I have no input on water valves and such.

    I always thought poop chute was the toilet, because my dad used to say “that plan went right down the poop chute” and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have used an anal analogy with me when I was in elementary school.

    Since Tuesday I have known I’ll be able to just sit down and chill on Sunday afternoon. I have been looking forward to that like a kid waiting to go to a birthday party. Is it time? Is it time NOW?

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  29. The fact that you are real and of course funny and a great writer is why I keep reading. Most of these other blogs are faker than everyone’s facebook and instagram.
    Hope you get to slow down soon!

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  30. Your writing skills, very few have the wit and creativity that you present to us each/most days. I love it.
    My mom gave me an avocado-colored bucket filled with all sorts of stuff for a wedding shower, but that was 53 years ago, the bucket is long gone. She also gave me avacodo-colored towels, I still have one of the hand towels. I hope you get your bucket soon.
    Tee

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  31. I love that you don’t pretend to be perfect. I love your perfectly real hilarious life.
    Keeps me coming back for more.
    Lovely post, June

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  32. Those modern cuckoo clocks are pretty wild. Go for it.

    My mother was addicted to clocks that chimed, and we had quite a few different clocks throughout the house, all set so that she could hear them separately. It was a chorus of clocks, and consequently no clocks in our house had the correct time. When we came back from living in Germany she brought cuckoos for her siblings, but none for us. I guess the competition was too much.

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  33. I have an antique cuckoo clock and we don’t use it. It was my great aunt’s (as opposed to my so-so aunt) and as a child, visiting, I adored it. Now I have it and I think it would drive me crazy, so it is languishing downstairs. I feel sort of bad every time I walk by it. Plus also too it doesn’t go with my decor and we all know how I am about that.

    I was listening to a podcast this morning and the topic veered onto ADD/ADHD and how there is a test for that. The test? Is EIGHT HOURS LONG. Jesus, Mary and Oprah, a person WITHOUT ADD/ADHD can’t sit still and take a test for eight hours. I fumed about this in my car for several miles.

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    • Hi Paula,
      When I was tested for ADD/ADHD, it was pretty easy. The psychologist I met with specialized in it, and particularly adults. We had an interview, lots of questions, maybe and hour or so. Then she sent questionnaires to people that knew me in different times of my life, so I picked my father, age 0 months to that time. I also had a very good friend from my early work years, so late 20s to the testing time. Of interest to me was that both answered almost identically, save one or two questions. Go figure.

      This all happened the week of my 49th birthday, so I had lived with all the ups, downs and sideways of having ADD for a long time. No tests in school back in the day. Looking at my old report cards is kind of funny: “Carol is rather bossy with the other children.” Third grade.

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    • JMO. Dying! Do you remember writing JMJ on the top of every page of work in parochial grade school? Good times. I agree on the 8 hour test. A friend took a test for it and it was declared negative but we don’t believe it.

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  34. “Trying to chastity belt my spout” is why I keep reading your blog…you have the gift of storytelling through the written word. Also, your lovely pets keep me so very entertained. And because you are a good human being, June.

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  35. My father-in-law always says, “Don’t take my kindness for weakness.” You lock that water up June, even if you have to order the damn thing.

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  36. My neighbor took 8000 gallons of my water to fill his pool. I didn’t find out until I got my water bill. I had to pay it.
    I’m not offering advice, but some helpful people told me to just take the handle off the faucet.
    I’ve also been the victim of the bait & switch. It isn’t a fair tactic.

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  37. Oh my word both sides of my family are filled with Very Successful & Important People. I was raised on that shit and it is poison June! They are never satisfied with themselves, their kids, their homes (multiple homes), their cars, their blah blah blah. I respect having a strong work ethic. Do your best. Help your team. Be kind Rewind. But the older I get, the older these hyper achievers get, the more I see their constant striving and acquiring as nothing more than hollow desperation. //sorry so ranty//

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  38. well, now I want that clock! (the first one, especially) I have a wall of clocks in my front hall; my favorite was made from a CD disk and has a graphic of like a 1950s housewife, and says, “Profanity Makes Talking Fun!”

    I hope you’re able to solve The Case of the Missing Bucket, Nancy Drew. And also to protect your water’s safety. Bc stealing water just ain’t right.

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  39. About the spout-lock thingy? Do you have a basement? If so, there should be a shutoff valve (knob) near the ceiling on that side of the house that you just turn off. Poof! No access outside. If no basement, there still should be a main shutoff valve for that particular water line. Cheaper than buying a chastity lock. Good post today!

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    • I just wrote a whole post (11/01/19) on how I don’t have a basement [insert smiley face] and how everyone in Michigan thinks everyone has a basement [inset second smiley face].

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      • Most of my relatives are in Indiana and basements are all over the place there. I wish I had a basement. My step grandparents had their laundry area in the basement. There was a little door in their bathroom where you could drop your laundry and it would land in the laundry area. I always wanted one of those. My kids just leave their clothes beside the hamper in the hallway. Underwear still attached to inside out pants. It would make me less crazy if I found that in a basement versus the hallway for anyone to see.

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    • P.S. I guess I should have written in this post that part of last night’s running around was trying to find that shutoff valve, and YouTubing where to find it, and while I found the meter and these pipes, there is nothing to turn the water off with. There’s no handle or anything obvious. Just pipes. This house is 90 years old, so…

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      • Not surprising with a really old house. The water probably has to be cut off at the meter with a water key that looks a lot like a tire tool, sort of.
        Tee

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      • Also, I have never heard of one of those shut off valves. Maybe they are less common in the south where pipes aren’t as likely to freeze?

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    • Most houses, in the south, have a (one) main water cutoff valve, which means in order to cut off the water to the outside faucet(s) it cuts off the water to the entire house.
      Tee, wife of home inspector, retired.

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  40. It sucks when people take advantage of someone’s kindness. No good deed, indeed.
    Can’t wait to see what kind of clock you get. Although I think a clock that chimes every hour would drive me cuckoo.

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  41. I have a shut off in the house for my outdoor tap. Do you? I’d be peeved if someone took my water. As I am about the person that took my garbage can. Yes. Really.

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  42. I bet there is someone out there that has a modern cuckoo clock that would send it to you without ordering one. The appeal of it may have waned.

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  43. My favorite people lack the ambition gene. Or, rather, they tend to know when they’re happy and don’t need more. At work, those folks are wonderful – they do what they do very well, and aren’t constantly maneuvering to be in another spot. They are the anti-Peter-principle gang. I love them. BTW, this does not include slackers. Slackers use everyone around them to achieve their ambition of doing nothing on the backs of others.

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