UTItunes

Do you know what I hate? {Everyone sighs and heads to get their scroll of Things June Hates, now held in a special case in the Hate Room}

I sat down to write you, and realized I didn’t have my phone. Usually I plug it in here so the photos I took the day before pop up, and I show them to you if there’s anything good.

Like this. How can the world live without this selfie I took yesterday? How did we get by?

Anyway, I found my phone, but there was no cord here to connect said phone to said computer. Those Apple cords rip apart in no time, like Joe and I were ripped apart (name that movie) so now I have just one. I have to remember to bring THE WHOLE CORD from where I charge it in the bedroom–much like how I charge up the many mens in there–over to the den.

I’ve never called this room the “den” before. But it’s a room where I sit and read and use the computer. What makes a den a den?

I should call this room my man cave.

So I was here in my man cave, plugging in the goddamn phone finally, when

BOUNCE!

BOUNCE!

went my iTunes icon at the bottom of my screen, and you know how that bothers me.

“WHAT,” I said, clicking it.

“iTunes needs to be updated!”

Something always needs to be updated every damn day around here. Mostly my condom supply what with the many mens being charged up over beyond my man cave and on into my bedroom.

“FINE.” I said, clicking the go-ahead-and-update-it thing.

“Oh, well, we need your Apple password.”

You knew it was me when you started bouncing at me when I’m tryina blog. Now you need me to prove it’s me?

I entered my password, which is always some form of “fuck you” and the company I’m dealing with. FuckYouDr. FuckYouCable. Etc.

“Oh, no. That’s not it. That’s not your password. You’re making iTunes very upset.” My computer wrung its hands.

Eventually, I just changed my damn password to another iteration of FuckYouApple, and then?

“Oh, dear, no. Before we make this change you didn’t want in the first place but you had to stop the bouncing, you need to put in your iTunes password as well.”

And that is why I yelled and turned poor Edsel into a letter C, and you’d think by now he’d be immune to these outbursts.

Anyway, two things happened yesterday. Well. Forty-six things happened, but only two of note.

I got up early yesterday, which increases my sparkling mood at all times, to drop Iris at the vet. They have a system where you can drop cats off and they check on her when they can and I come get her at the end of the day like I had a trophy engraved or what have you. You know how often you’re dashing out to have your trophy engraved.

Iris has bounced back, and is no longer plagued with her sniffles thanks to some drops they put in her nose every six weeks that I’m certain she enjoys getting. Those drops are her Apple password. “fuk yew, drops.”

Also, the special food that costs $39239 a can is working to fix her stomach problem. She’s not perfect but she’s a lot better.

So, yay.

The other thing is, careful readers will note I’ve felt like I had a UTI, without getting to have any of the pounding sex that generally precedes a UTI. I went to the doctor, who tested my urine by having it go into the woods with just a match and a tarp, and the doctor said my test was negative.

I mean, my test was a tad downtrodden, but negative is a strong word.

I hate it when people say, “Hate is a strong word.” Shut up. You know what’s a strong word? Your mother.

She gave me antibiotics anyway, because there’s no danger of us all becoming immune to them or anything, and guess what. Antibiotics didn’t work.

I called on Monday to announce this, and of course instead of just prescribing me another antibiotic because see above re us all becoming immune and dying of Black Plague as a family in the kitchen under a Live/Seize/Perish plaque, they insisted I come back in.

I balked at this pee-ily. I was NOT coming back in. I was sick and tired of coming in for every last thing. I took my not-UTI and flung it behind me as I flounced off that call.

Then yesterday I was so miserable I called and asked if I could come in.

Why do all your doctors quit, June?

I got the PA, not that they let me make announcements at the doctor, but I would LOVE that. “Hey, are those stirrups on your feet or are you just happy to see me?”

I know that makes no sense but I’m the mother of a blind cat. Give it rest.

Anyway, the PA re-tested me, like John Kennedy Jr. taking the bar, and this time I passed.

I’ve never been so relieved. When I tested negative last time (and maybe they were just testing my attitude) I was all, am I making this up? Do I have bladder cancer? Why do I feel so awful yet I’m testing negative for UTI? UTWhy?

They gave me new antibiotics and I have now taken three of them and feel … less awful. Like Iris, I’m not 100% but I’m very smugly resting on my own leg.

So those were yesterday’s highlights magazine and I realize they were both medical and maybe my whole life now is just medical appointments and going to Cracker Barrel at 4:30 with a walker with tennis balls on the legs, but if that’s my fate, so be it. At least I don’t feel like I have to pee every 49 seconds.

Briefly,
June, who wonders if she’s ever mentioned you don’t have to leave a name or email to comment, but continues to wish you’d sign your name at the bottom of your comment, otherwise she’ll ask for your iTunes password and then your Apple password and then your email password and then she’ll want you to hum the theme song from Password.

61 thoughts on “UTItunes

  1. I’m a FU- password person too! It started with fitbit because I thought walking would help my heel spur, so my password was a variation of FU bone spur. I am sad to say it did not help my foot but the password made me feel better. A couple of years ago, I needed help with the stupid health insurance website and the insurance lady about died laughing when I told her my password for their site.

    Like

  2. UTIs suck, I have interstitial cystitis and it’s like a constant UTI. Certain things I have to avoid eating like the plaque is attached to it.
    I hate passwords, I always try to make then the same thing but they are never recognized.
    So happy that Iris is on her mend and you too.

    Like

  3. Oh no I’m going to be the hated advice giver — but we started using LastPass to record all of our passwords and it is a lifesaver. That being said, my daughter’s University requires you to change your password every 6 months or so and is one of those stupid ones that require the upper/lower/special character/ minimum 16 characters crap. I have her account, my account for community education classes, and my son’s account for concurrent enrollment and I am about to take a knife to their security people.

    Like

  4. I also have to keep a notebook of all my passwords. And frequently cross them out and put new ones. So annoying. If someone breaks in and steals that book, I’ll be so screwed. NO ONE can simply remember passwords that have to resemble tMujk23!#&.
    Glad your bladder is on the mend. That always sucks having to pee every minute. And SO URGENTLY!
    Sweet Iris. I loves her.

    Like

  5. Hi June and everyone,

    I have changed over from only Android devices, to an Imac and Iphone this month. It is a culture shock. I avoid Itunes as much as possible. I’m sure it will hunt me down for the next update. I’m glad to hear that Iris is feeling better (and you too of course).

    Like

  6. Thank you for making me literally laugh/snort out loud with every other paragraph of hilarity you shared today! Both cats & the elderly dog turned into exclamation points and darted out of the office. I clearly have the dirty mind of an adolescent as I’m still snorting about the condoms, while most everyone else’s take away was passwords suck. Cheers to sweet Iris feeling better and your Virginia being on the mend.

    Like

  7. So many funnies today. I needed them cause I am having to deal with my mom saying her phone is not working and she ‘hit every button a dozen times and threw it on the floor’ to see if she could get it to work. Of course not, It needed to be charged up and even though she thought it was plugged in all day, it was not fully plugged in if you get my drift. Oy! I am too old and cranky to have to deal with this. Don’t get me started on Apple IDs and iTunes and such. I’m ready to go back to the dark ages before computers took over our lives.

    Like

  8. I decided that I and my friends are officially old because we play a version of Boggle, one of us is always taking some pill or another for some injury caused by doing nothing special, and I had a party on Saturday and someone asked for hot water to drink with nothing in it. Then another person said (and this is a direct quote), “Oh…hot water. That sounds good.” I shit you not. *Then another person said, “Oh, hot water? Maybe I’ll have some.” And I basically bullied her into using a tea bag—but not chamomile because, “That would make me sleepy.” After everyone but the friend that was staying the night had left, she turned to me and asked, “What was all the hot water?” And I said, “If I ever ask you for hot water to drink, please put me down.”

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh. Password issues infuriate me like nothing else. A couple of years ago I had an iPhone that was working just fine until it suddenly started demanding I enter a password for some reason and I could not get a password to work no matter what I tried from my list of regular passwords. I went to the Apple website and requested to reset my password and I apparently broke that somehow. For SIX days Apple was trying to reset my password and the only thing that would work on my phone was calling and texting. I couldn’t access any apps, use GPS, etc. They finally emailed me saying I needed to go to an Apple store so I did that. They couldn’t reset it either and I had to buy a new freaking phone for approximately 8 billion dollars. I was beyond pissed.

    Like

  10. “I went to the doctor, who tested my urine by having it go into the woods with just a match and a tarp”

    +++beyond laughter+++

    Like

  11. Good news on Iris and glad you finally got an accurate diagnosis so you can start to feel better. A UTI is a work of the devil.
    When I have to look up a password I can tell my level of frustration at getting it accepted by how pleasant, business-like, rude, or plain crude it is. Oh, I was bitchin’ mad that day!

    Like

  12. For some stupid reason if I drink too many dark drinks (Coke Zero addiction) I get UTI’s. While there is a lovely antibiotic by the name of Cipro that literally will make one feel better in a matter of hours, they prefer to prescribe Macrobid or something like that – which takes more in the “days to feel better range” …. because one should save Cipro for emergencies – I hate that!!!

    Glad you and Iris both aare on the mend !!!

    Like

  13. I thought Apple was doing away with iTunes, so why are they making you update it? I got an update request and ignored it because, Lu annoy. I would love to do away with my computer completely but still need it for stupid things like doing taxes.

    Like

  14. I’m so glad Iris is doing better. Poor little girl. I want to dip her marshmallow paw in my hot chocolate. That sounds like a euphemism. It’s not. I just love her marshmallow paws.

    The one time I had a UTI I only had to pee ever 48 seconds. I had no idea what was wrong really because that was my only symptom.

    Hooray! I feel crabby today too.

    And OMG all that hassle with iTunes is annoying as hell.

    Like

  15. Really, really good to hear that Iris is doing better and that you are, too. Hate UTIs! Feel all better soonly, please.

    Like

  16. Hilarious post. Yay! Baby Iris is better!!!! I have a book, well I actually have a second book that I keep locked up in the gray, fire-proof box, of passwords AND they are in pencil so it’s not so messy when I have to change a password. I would be dead in the water without my little black book. a teaspoon of baking soda chased by LOTS of water will help give you comfort with the UTI.

    Like

    • My password book is filled with layers of liquid paper because of those websites that insist you change your password every other day. I may need to get a new book and use pencil instead of ink.

      Like

  17. Yep on the passwords. Can’t remember them unless they’re too simple. I keep getting locked out of my banking app because of trying too many variations. I gate my bank.

    Like

    • Right? Peeing is one of life’s free pleasures. I guess now at Thanksgiving I can say I’m grateful I don’t feel like I hafta pee alla time.

      Also, Beige, remember that big Thanksgiving you threw? The one where I was knocked up?

      Like

  18. I have a little notebook filled with all of my passwords and if I ever lost that book, I will be SCREWED. While I understand that it’s very important to have a password that will be hard to hack, I hate the ones that require a minimum of 10 characters, must contain an uppercase and a lower case letter, must have a number, must have a character and must have an underscore thrown in there for shits and giggles. You know, like this: q2fV&92_fu(kth!s.

    Liked by 2 people

    • ahh I have a notebook like that too but – it is now so crowded and has no order… not alphabetical or anything like that – and some have duplicates or triplicates…. OMG What to do?
      Yes. As soon as I have time – ha ha ha – I will write them in a new book with alphabetized tabs. Sure I will. In the meantime, I do not want to lose it. I get that!

      Like

      • I also am Keeper of The Notebook. It contains every password I might ever need and like you, I would SCREWED if I lost it. So screwed that I might develop a UTI, so I keep that sucker close.

        Like

  19. I’m happy to hear that Iris is improving and that your UTI is also improving. Passwords can take a flying leap, she said PEEvishly. I don’t understand why so many sites require them.

    Like

  20. I work with students with password issues and I love love love when these teenage boys have to reveal their password to me – always some kind of male member brag.

    Glad you’re feeling less pee-y June. Once you’ve had that feeling, you never forget it.

    Iris looks so content. Bless her heart.

    Liked by 2 people

  21. I was so furious one day making a new password that it ended up being OhMyFuckingGod_REALLY?? That’s always fun to type. Also, get yourself some AZO at the drugstore. It’s a miracle for helping that awful feeling of needing to pee five thousand times a day when you have a UTI. I keep it on hand ALWAYS!

    Like

    • I took AZO once during a particularly bad UTWhy, and while getting out of the car after my doctor’s appt., suddenly got the urge, couldn’t hold it and peed a BRIGHT orange river down the whole length of my driveway. Hosing the driveway off and scrubbing it didn’t even get rid of the stain. It took about 3 years to weather off. Good times!

      Like

  22. Why do we have to have so many passwords at work?I just counted all of mine up and I have 13 for all the different things I have to do at this crazy place. Arrgghhh

    Like

  23. Some of my passwords are similar. How much do you have to take? Before I die I would like to experience a no-password world. Oh, now Grammarly says I sound “worried” and “surprised.” Now Grammarly is in my shit?

    Like

  24. Dang, I was hoping to be the first yo get Say Anything, but now that I have read the other comments I see that I was not. I would have read earlier but I had a fix it guy here dealing with my cute little built in fridge drawers that fit in my snack bar. Literally this tiny fridge has broken down no less than 10 times in under 2 years.

    I use the same or very similar password for everything but for some reason itunes and apple ALWAYS claim not to recognize it. Makes me NUTS! We have our TV on a parental lock. That password is s-h-i-t.

    I too feel like I am merely sitting around juggling doc appts. I cut myself so ER, then doc for stitches out, colonoscopy, MRI for possible RA, MRI for cyst on my pinkie, 2 hr appt at orthopedic doc preceeded all the MRIs, PT (my husband) because I messed up my knee, and dermatologist to have moles checked. And I am not yet 50.

    Glad you are not peeing constantly!

    Like

  25. LOVE the passwords. Do you ever do the cranberry pills or drink the cranberry juice that used to be all the rage for not going to the doctor for a UTI?

    Like

  26. Ok, your doctor is really starting to irritate me! My NP does everything she can to help me when I have a complaint without asking me to come in unless absolutely necessary. I hope that all of this is behind you soon! So glad that Iris is feeling better!

    Like

  27. I’m usually a weird lurker so I feel weird commenting but I knew I had to when you dropped the Say Anything reference. Joe lies…when he cries. Also Edsel’s letter C from your yelling always makes me laugh because it reminds me of my two boxers’ reactions when I yell at my computer. I work from home in my basement and the dogs usually lay in the room with me. Until the yelling and cussing starts. But their version of the letter C is slllowly getting up while smacking their lips dramatically and tiptoeing silently up the stairs. Makes me feel horrible but it’s so funny to see.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. I woke from a sound sleep to the sound of a podcast playing on my phone from out of nowhere. My phone just started talking without me touching it! Spoooky 👻
    Now I have a full day of appointments and driving to and from said appointments without any sleep. So my phone and I are not friends at the moment because I could not go back to sleep and I’m exhausted. Aarrrgghh!

    Like

    • My boss has experienced a similar issue with his phone, turns out he was talking in his sleep and Siri was responding with what she thought was appropriate reaction.

      Like

  29. After going through a circus of support in trying to reset passwords and the ever so (un)helfpul computer tech on the phone I am now adopting your system so I can just tell ’em just set the password to f*ckyou and then ever so sweetly say oh not you of course – passwords grrrr

    Like

  30. I’ve never understood the purpose of the tennis balls. Is there not some sort of accessory kit for walkers that people could use instead of chopping up innocent sporting goods? It seems a little odd.

    Like

    • They sell those tennis balls, pre cut, at my Walmart which is in the Geezer Village neighborhood. The purpose is to make the walker glide more smoothly. Signed, Young Geezer Koala, who has been picking up the geezer tips since 1980 when I moved to Geezer Heaven AKA Ocean County. NJ. Say geezer one more time. WE have Holiday (Wrinkle) City and Leisure (Seizure) Village as two of the aforementioned retirement havens.

      Like

      • Our local retirement community is Leisure World, aka “Seizure World” aka “Geezer World” aka “Limp Dick Acres.” And rumor has it, if you meet the minimum age requirement to live there but your spouse does not, your underage spouse will not be treated kindly by the age police. And if you die before they reach the required age minimum, they will not be allowed to continue to live there.

        Like

Comments are closed.