the e.e. cummings of realty

Well, here we are again. Monday. But for those of us in America anyway (here’s where June acts like she’s an international star with readers worldwide*), this is going to be a weird week, with most of us getting one day off and some of us, like me, working Monday only and then traveling. So it’s sort of Monday and it’s also sort of odd weird one-workday Friday-ish.

*Look, at least one person reads me in England and one in Australia. So shut up.

I worked sort of late Friday, and as I made my way to my car, I saw just my and Wedding Alex’s cars remaining. Two lone workaholics in the night.

I’ve disguised her auto with my fine photo-editing skills, so that you would have no idea that’s Alex’s car and then stalk her and bludgeon her, as you were preparing to do.

Anyway, I sent her this photo via a new form of communication called “The Text” and she received “The Text” and was pleased.

I wonder what the first text I ever got was. I am certain I had texting on my circa-2005 flip phone, which by the way I took to a kiosk in LA and had bedazzled with a pink-gem Eiffel Tower. I also had a Hello Kitty hanging off my flip phone’s antenna. I must have received a text from someone at the time saying, “You’re 40. Stop.”

Oh my god I loved that flip phone. And when the phone rang it played Moonlight Serenade.

I remember watching some movie and this song came on and Marvin said, “Your phone’s ringing,” thinking he was highlarious.

Anyway, I don’t recall my first text.

Also, do you ever think about how you do the last of something but you aren’t aware of it at the time? I was trying to sleep last night and I thought of this parking garage in LA that led straight into a department store I liked, and I thought, one day I walked out of that department store and into that parking garage didn’t realize I’d never do that again.

There was this woman I became friends with at the end of college. She was very classy. She wore a beige pea coat and had beige hair and her parents were rich and she was majoring in art history because hooo care. She took me to her family’s summer home and we hung out on their boat and drank vodka and fresh grapefruit because I didn’t know I was allergic to grapefruit yet, but man did I feel bad the next day.

She was the only person our age I knew who had real pearls.

Anyway when she graduated she came over to my apartment with the oatmeal-colored carpet and gave me her phone number and address and then she was gone and I never saw her again.

I had no idea I’d never see her again. I tried to friend her on Facebook a few years back but she never responded.

It’s weird to think of stuff like that.

Anyway. Speaking of people you’ll never see again except then you do, which is not what we were speaking of but now I’ve segued into this topic so just strap in, partner.

I went to my weekly Friday dinner with my neighbors. Each week it varies wildly. Sometimes 15 of us show up, some weeks four. This week was particularly attended, and I met a nice couple from Massachusetts who bought a house on the next block. They initially looked at my house (“We were the first to look at it!” she said) but they decided on the other house because they were deliberately looking for something to fix up. (“Yours was already fixed up,” she said.)

They were cool, and my neighborhood is becoming more cool, I’m telling you. I wasn’t wrong. Meth deals notwithstanding.

Anyway, what annoys me is I was the second person to look at this house, and it’s really a shame you weren’t around for all that house drama last year. My point is, my realtor (which is technically a proper noun and I sould cap it but I just can’t. Ima be ee cummings of realty today) called the seller’s realtor on speaker right here in this kitchen, and she said, “Someone else looked at it today and they’re interested” and that made me panic and offer full price (you’d still die at the low price) now I think maybe she was full of the shit.

But this is not the story I set out to tell you.

At the restaurant Friday, this fairly young man walked in, and he looked right and me and I at him and I was all, I know him. We made eye contact about 72 times and it was driving me berserk. Why do I know him? He can’t be one of my endless Tinder dates because he’s 30. Or 37. Or 25. They all look the same to me now.

Eventually I got up and asked him. “I work at Mcoul’s,” he said, “I recognized you too.”

Mcoul’s is a pub across the street from where Ned used to live, when he was livin’ downtown, drivin’ all the old men crazy.

We went there, oh, seventy hundred times. They were open on Christmas, so our tradition was to go there Christmas night. They also had brunch, which we attended precisely once when this other couple was auditioning to be our friends. But mostly we went there after our old movies, because it was right in between the movie theater and Ned’s place, and that’s back when I could have wine at 9:00 at night and still function the next day. They were always open during snowstorms. I remember having snow wine there one blustery night.

How did I not recognize that guy? He was our bartender for ages. But anyway, now I’ve placed him. He told me where he worked and right then I knew. Nothing gets past me.

Oh my god we’re not even done with Friday yet.

I also went to two–two!!–two mints in one

movies this weekend. By the way, did we ever learn WHICH two mints were in Certs or did we just watch people knock them together and accept it as fact the way we accepted that the Irish cut soap?

Or the way we accepted that painting chalk was a great way to show us how toothpaste worked?

THE TWO MOVIES I SAW were Ford vs. Ferrari and the Mr. Rogers movie. The reason I saw Ford vs. Ferrari is because Mr. Rogers was sold out, so I settled for that and ended up sort of liking that movie. They even mentioned Fiats and I felt particularly proud.

Then, because I was annoyed I missed Mr. Rogers, as soon as I got up on Sunday, I got online and ordered my ticket for the noon showing and I’m lucky I did because there were a lotta people at that theater even at noon on a Sunday.

I was with actual friends during Ford vs. Ferrari like a normal person who mingles, but on Sunday I was by myself. I sat next to a young-ish woman who was probably 37. Or 25. Anyway, we both wept through that whole movie and when it was over we stood talking in the lobby for a long time about our childhoods, and Mr. Rogers, and what a good person he was, and it was a whole bonding experience till I roofied and raped her.

Oh! And I forgot, in between movies I worked again on our dog-related thing we’re doing at work. This dog is 10 and she’s been at the shelter for six months and she was a lamb. She was completely willing to put any clothing on, whereas Edsel would have fainted clean away.

When Eds meets his maker, I really think I will adopt an older dog like this. I can’t STAND the thought of them endlessly at the shelter while everyone snaps up puppies.

I’d better go. I have my big 8 hours to put in this week. I’d better get my nose on that grindstone.

Thin Lizzily,
June

71 thoughts on “the e.e. cummings of realty

  1. I’d adopt that doggie in a heart beat if I didn’t live so far away. Adorable. Praying for her forever family to come adopt her ASAP💕💕💕

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  2. That dog has the sweetest face. My dog is coming up to 15 and honestly, getting him at 10 would have skipped many of his dickhead years.

    I remember my first text! My dad wouldn’t get me a phone. I saved up the money I earned at the Indian restaurant I worked at. (I also worked in a corner shop before becoming a doctor and really only need to become a taxi driver to have the full set of cliches). I went into town with my best friend at the time and we bought phones with nearly the same phone number, just the last digit different. The first test message was a deep and meaningful “hi :)”. We also had a plan that let us phone 3 numbers for up to an hour for free and I had to set a timer for 55 mins every time I called her. Good times.

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  3. Love the old ringtone! Mine is Baby Elephant Walk. For many years, my second graders have also loved it. Whenever I get a call during class (I never answer), they want me to let it ring so we can have an impromptu Henry Mancini dance party.

    The older dog has the sweetest face. I follow Wolfgang2242 on Instagram. He lives in Denver and has adopted at least 7 or 8 senior dogs plus chickens, rabbits, a large pig named Bikini, and a turkey named Tofu. All of the animals have the sweetest relationship with each other.

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  4. Senior dogs are wonderful. I sure think about the last times since my daughter graduated and went off to college. It sure goes fast.

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  5. Picture of guy from Airplane hanging himself due to TL;DR – dead. Me, not him! Or wait! Should that be He AND I?

    Lovely post June!

    CommandoBarbie

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  6. I totally want to see the Mr. Rogers movie! I also wanted to see the documentary, but I never got there. I am sure it is on Netflix or something.

    Happy travels to you tomorrow! And know that you are among one of the people I am thankful for!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  7. Lovely post, Joon. Altho the last- time- stuff got me a bit anxious. Thanks for putting up those great old commercials too- I’m going to say Certs, 2 mints in one and see if anyone gets it. I do amuse myself. Safe travels, pack your Certs and Irish Spring.

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  8. Am I the England reader? It kinda freaks me out to think that _anyone I pass on the street _ could also be a BoJ reader. Happy Thanksgiving!

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  9. Your post reminded me of an essay someone posted called “the last good day” and it was all about how you don’t know at the time that a particular day Is going to be your last good one. It was beautifully written and very thought provoking.
    I love your movie choices and that you can bond with a stranger talking about it. I wish i had your social skills. Enjoy your last (now) half day of work. And your trip.

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  10. Saw the Mr. Rogers movie Saturday. When Mr. Rogers showed up with the pie I was done. What a human being he was. I have now set my Alexa to play the “Mr. Rogers Neighborhood Song” when I say “Alexa, good morning” when I go in the kitchen first thing in the morning, as you do.
    Maybe it will help me not hate people so much.

    Happy Thanksgiving, June — I am grateful for your not-blog and all the super cool people who comment here!

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  11. I’m pretty sure my first text was to my husband (then boyfriend) & was some form of “I love you (more)” but prob interspersed with the most annoying emojis I could find and I may have possibly sent off each word or emoji as a single text (Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!).
    Because that’s how you say “I love you (more) & I just got free unlimited text messaging”

    Happy!
    Thanksgiving!
    Everyone!

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  12. Happy Thanksgiving June! Safe travels to your mums house. I loved the holidays and always get homesick for Glendale California at this time of the year.

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  13. I was at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Shopping at 7:30 this morning. I hope to not return until next weekend. Got myself a long list of chores for the day, and I’ve already marked some off.
    I’m so glad you get up with your neighbors. Knowing and caring about your neighbors is a great joy in life. Are you friends with the woman with the Instagram about fixing up a mill house in your hood?
    Happy travels, June! Can’t wait to hear about everyone’s THANKSgiving!

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  14. That chalk commercial! Weird how you forget all about something, then see a picture and go, “Ohhh, yeaahhhh!” We’re going to see the Mr. Rogers movie on Thanksgiving, right after eating at the buffet because this is Vegas. We’re doing that because it was decided nobody wanted to cook this year, only now my brother wants to cook a Thanksgiving dinner on Friday. So I guess we’re having two Thanksgivings. Also, pink, blingy phones are the bomb – I had one too in…I don’t know…2007 maybe? Anyway, safe travels and hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving.

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  15. If we ever get out of our commitment to the current passel of cats, we want to adopt an elderly dog and an elderly (or special needs) cat. We just love the idea.

    On December 1, I am going to see When Harry Met Sally and I am going alone because I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t adore that movie as much as I do. So I am unanimous in my decision to go alone. I’m going to enjoy the great big heck out of that movie!!

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  16. As long as I live, I don’t think I’ll ever understand why realtor is capitalized. I can’t bring myself to do it, either. Love that sweet dog. June, maybe you could start a hospice for dogs when the time comes. Have a safe trip and a good Thanksgiving.

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  17. I’m still reading from Illinois. I’m sure you have readers from all 50 states.

    I saw the Mr. Rogers movie on Friday night. I cried through the entire thing. My daughter, who usually makes fun of me when I cry during a movie, must have sensed that I was coming unhinged and left me alone.

    Safe travels. I work today, half a day tomorrow and then I’m off to cook all of the food. Happy Thanksgiving!

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  18. Here’s my list of things I thought as I was reading:

    Texting on a flip phone – remember having to learn how many times to push the number buttons to get to the correct letters? It was so annoying, but we had no idea HOW annoying until we all got smart phones.

    YES! I think all the time about the last time I did something but had no idea – the last time I had to tie a shoe for one of my kids or the last time I saw someone and then they died, or the last time I ate at a favorite place and then it closed. It brings on the melancholy.

    And thirdly I have had that experience so many times when you see someone out of context and CANNOT figure out who it is. Like you see the checker from the grocery store at the movie theater and greet her like she’s an old friend but you just can’t remember who the heck she is… happens ALL the time.Once I gave a guy a friendly wave and then realize “oh my god. That’s the security guard who got fired from work for harassing teenage girls!”

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  19. Wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving and safe travels! May your turkey be thawed when it’s supposed to be, may it be fully cooked when it’s supposed to be, and may you have enough chairs for all who show up. ~ Laura

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  20. Hey wait! I follow and read you religiously (hello God, your name is June) and I live in Paris, so count me in as a Faithful Reader too. You are really very internationally adept….

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  21. Great post. I’m glad your neighborhood is getting cooler. And my husband and I enjoyed “Moonlight Serenade.” That has to be #1 of all time. Have a good trip!

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  22. Costa de la Luz, Andalucía (that’s Spain) 🙂 Do you not have one of those map widget things on your web dashboard? iI would show you us all at once and you could feel smug about your worldwide audience, and bask in our universal gratitude .

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  23. I’m similarly working only today and then company arrives tomorrow. I love/hate the whole idea of cooking for my family. Thank goodness it’s a small one. I’m not an entertainer. Have a great holiday!

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  24. Loved this post. Are you sure that wasn’t Paula in the beige coat and hair? This sweet dog. I hope she finds someone that will love her and take care of her the rest of her life. I’m going to try to see the Mr. Rogers movie this week. His wife is a concert pianist, we saw her at Spivey Hall years ago.
    Tee

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  25. Every time the commercials come on for the Mr Rogers movie I think that it has to be the most boring movie ever. I’m glad to know that it wasn’t. Safe travels!

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  26. I desperately want a dog and not a young whippersnapper, either. I want a stately dog with some years under her belt, who knows how to be a couch potato and doesn’t need me to run a marathon with her. If I were closer, I’d get that dog.

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  27. The accompanying pictures from Airplane made me laugh. You had a quite the weekend and much more entertaining than mine. Since Saturday was a rainy day, I decide to drag our artificial tree from the basement and get it set up. Then, because it is ancient and has forgotten it was once a pre-lit tree, I had to string lights. Why do I keep it? Because it still has a beautiful shape. (Wish I could say the same.)

    Hope sweet Miss Pompom soon gets a loving home.

    Safe travels and happy THANKSgiving.

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    • Huh. You’re the only person in I know in Georgia who has a basement. Must be a house on a slope with a walkout basement or what do they call them? Daylight basement? Not like the northern basements with the cement block walls and little rectangular windows up top the walls with the wells outside them that toads hop into in the summer so little boys and girls can rescue them which is how I came to love toads.

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  28. Hi, June. My husband and I saw a movie this weekend. We watched Midway. It was excellent!
    What cute dog!! I hope someone sees your great pictures and adopts her.

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    • When Mr. Sadie and I saw Midway a couple of weekends ago, we fit right in with the audience of old codgers at the matinee. I agree with you on enjoying it.

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  29. I am absolutely adopting older/senior animals next time around.

    I have never seen Mr. Rogers. I was too old by the time he was on TV. Ditto Sesame Street and The Electric Company. Thankfully, I was too young for that weirdo Howdy Doody. (I think Howdy Doody would be an entire Law & Order SUV SEASON, never mind episode. Olivia Benson would lose her shit.) That left me with Romper Room, Captain Kangaroo, Wonderama and Soupy Sales. My mother only approved of Romper Room and I think Wonderama was only on Sundays. YES, IN BLACK AND WHITE SHUT UP.

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    • Same here! But I loved Captain Kangaroo. My favorite was when all the ping pong balls dropped from the ceiling.

      I am easily amused.

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    • I can’t resist speculating that spellcheck has created yet another crime show, and Law and Order SUV with crimes committed by soccer moms will hit the small screen any time now.

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    • Did you watch Soupy Sales in Detroit or LA? I’m old so I watched him in Detroit before he moved to the West coast

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    • Oh my God, Wonderama! Those New Yawk kids seemed so foreign to this So Cal kid. I was never a Captain Kangaroo fan but I loved Romper Room with Miss Maryann. But I waited in vain for her to see me in her Magic Mirror. And of course, there was Sheriff John. I’d come home from kindergarten and watch Sheriff John while eating a peanut butter and honey sandwich (the thought of which makes me gag now). Of course, I would also watch Dark Shadows. Still my all-time favorite soap opera, even from the age of 5.

      And does anyone remember The Bugaloos and the Double Deckers? I loved both of those shows.

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  30. The rest of the Certs commercial went like this…”Certs is a breath mint! No, Certs is a candy mint! STAHP you’re both right!! It’s TWO, TWO, TWO mints in one!”

    Long term memory GREAT!
    Short term memory what???

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  31. Dear June,

    Because it’s almost Thanksgiving, I just wanted to say, I am so thankful for your not-blog, I enjoy reading it so much. Your daily words of humor and sarcasm bring me a smile every day and I have to tell you, often times, it’s the only time I really smile all day.

    I admire the way you live your life. You are who you are (who is wonderful btw) and you don’t apologize for it. When you were in a relationship where you were unhappy, you asked for what you needed, and when you didn’t get it, you weren’t too afraid to go off on your own.

    Safe travels and happy Thanksgiving

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  32. Last things are one of my obsessions. I try to think of the last time I did something or was with someone and then I get sad.

    EMILY: “Does anyone ever realize life while they live it… every, every minute?”

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  33. Lovely post, Coot. I think adopting the older dogs is a wonderful idea. What better Mom for a dog to have in it’s sunset years than Joon?

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  34. I saw Last Christmas with my sister on Thursday. She accompanied me to the GYN, as you do when your sister is having a worrisome sitch and your part time job is slow. We liked it, it was a good Christmas British romcom with a twist. I stress ate popcorn with extra butter and hard candy. I have gone to the movies alone. I still want to see Dr. Sleep and have not found someone to go with me yet. Not everyone will do horror. I need a few of my 200 online horror fan friends to live here.
    My same sister who is 49 to my 60 can not believe that I forget present day things because I have amazing long term memory.
    The short term memory thing has yet to get her. I kind of can’t wait so I can say I told you so which I need not to do. She considers me a know it all. Cringe. It’s just those eleven years and she has taught me a lot too, like when I called Elmo the red Grover. She and my nephews enlightened me after they all wet their pants laughing.
    Have a wonderful trip and Thanksgiving, Pretty Joon. Smooch Edz for me when you leave.

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  35. That dog has the sweetest face I’ve ever seen. I’m already at three dogs now. Maybe I could sneak her in and my husband wouldn’t notice.

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    • So did you exchange numbers with the new friend you roofied or are you now sad because that was the last time you saw her?

      I only babysit mon, tues this week but Thanks to Irish dancing midwest championships weekend after Thanksgiving, I will have vey little down time. Stress stree stress. ‘No black Friday shoping for you!’ (said like Seinfeld soup nazi)

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