Would you like to know one of my favorite things?

Sometimes, at night, I am wide awake. WIDE AWAKE. It’ll be 11:00 and like Bono I’m over there, WIDE AWAKE! WIDE AWAAAAKE! I’m not sleeping.

But I force myself to go to bed anyway, as my alarm goes off at 6:35 a.m.

5:35 if I have the trainer.

Either way, it falls under the category of damn early and if it’s 11:00 and I’m Bono being wide awake, we have trouble. So I force myself to go to bed if it’s that late.

Then I lie there like Iris’s brother.

Eight years ago, right at Christmastime, my coworker TinaDoris and I drove to the shelter to “just see” if there were any kittens available as I was newly separated and my cat Roger had just died and it was Christmas and she felt sorry for me.

Does anyone ever “just see” a kitten?

Well, my kitten didn’t just see me, because who did I pick from the crowded shelter but ol’ half-an-eye Iris, over here, the greatest cat ever invented. I homed right in on her as soon as I walked in.

(I just got up to take a photo of her, like we don’t all know what Iris looks like, and I walked all around this roomy house and kept seeing her doppelganger Lily and thinking, “THERE she—nope. THERE she—nope.” Anyway, you know what Iris looks like.) (How do cats just disappear like that?)

Here. Here’s the last photo I took of her from the other day with old devil-ears Milhous, and don’t remind me I have to iron the festive tablecloth, a tablecloth that belonged to my cat-hating grandmother who is rolling in her grave RN. I’ve had a cold. I hate to mention it. I haven’t felt iron-y.

Anyway. While I was filling out the paperwork to adopt ol’ half-a-good-eye Iris, someone else was adopting her OH MY GOD SO HEALTHY! brother, a black-and-white version of Iris except with THE WIDEST EYES EVER. It’s like he got ALL the eyes. He was the wide-eye-ist cat you ever saw, and trust me he saw you because HELLO EYES.

That was a total climb-the-Christmas-tree cat, I could tell.

I know that somewhere in the annals of history I have a photo of Iris way up in my white fake Xmas tree and I tried to find it but instead found this photo of me 12 years ago buying my last natural tree in TinyTown. That was the year I discovered I am allergic to North Carolina trees. It’s beginning to look a lot like chest rash.

Oh my god, anyway.

So some nights I’m not tired at 11:00 and then I lie there like Iris’s brother, with the wide eyes.

Then I finally sort of fall into a fitful sleep, and keep POPPING awake all night and have to FORCE myself to fall into another fitful sleep with

POP!

go my eyeballs.

And then? About 5 a.m.? I fall into the most beautiful, deep, restful sleep imaginable. So deep it is; so resty. Oh, how I sleep. And

BLAHHHHHHHHHHH! goes my alarm one hour and 35 minutes later.

Then it’s like getting quicksand off my chest to get up.

And that is what I face today, and it puts me in a sparkling mood, is what it does.

And that brings me to today’s mood: sparkling. And wide-eyed, like Iris’s brother.

I can’t remember what his name was. It might have been Candy Cane. See above re close to Christmas. Iris’s shelter name was Sugarplum, and she will roll her half eye at you if you call her that.

Milhous’s shelter name was Potato Cake. No, I don’t know who names the pets there but they should give that job to me.

Edsel’s name was Montana. Very Brokeback Mountain.

Lily’s was Lily. I stuck with it because I already had Iris and I liked the congruity.

I just got up to get more much-needed strong black woman coffee and there was Iris, nee Sugarplum, just sitting in the middle of the hall rug like she wasn’t 100% disappeared 10 minutes ago. Where do cats go?

Anyway, in case you are worried sick and your family keeps calling for updates, I went to work with my cold yesterday and felt terrible, so I lasted till about 2:30. Then I went home and lay listlessly on the couch till 11:00, when I felt WIDE AWAKE, and today I feel…less bad. I am allegedly doing festive holiday things tonight and have a festive holiday party to attend tomorrow night and —

As I wrote you that, I just remembered that last weekend I lay prone with my cold and ordered a fun gift for my party hostess tomorrow and you know how Amazon is. Usually you just THINK of a thing and it’s at your door. But I’ve been so consumed with cold (did you know I had a cold?) that I’d sort of forgotten I’d placed the order till I mentioned the party to you just now, so I went to Amazon all steaming. WHERE IS MY ORDER?

According to the internet gurus at Amazon? “Delivered.”

Delivered? What the…

I clicked further.

“Delivered today at 7:18 a.m.”

Really? I was up at 7:18 a.m., having gotten the quicksand off my chest and seething at the injustice of trying to sleep postmenopause. Why didn’t Edsel and I hear it? He might have been out back on his constitutional. I toddled to the front porch, and you know what?

My item was delivered.

God, Amazon is amazing. I know I’m supposed to hate them like I’m supposed to hate Louis CK but I don’t hate either and I’m sorry. I don’t.

All right. I’d better get in the shower and go the whole day pretending I slept well. Please think encouraging thoughts about me being able to attend my festive holiday events this weekend. I already missed White Christmas at my old theater because I was unwell. Did I mention I’ve been unwell?

Festively,
JunePlum

42 thoughts on “Juno

  1. Fawn Amber says:

    i TOO love Louis CK and I just don’t care who gets mad about it.

    Also, i swear by Michael Sealey’s guided sleep hypnosis videos on youtube. I play them and face my phone down so i don’t have any light coming from it…his voice is magical.

    Like

    1. June says:

      Oooo, really!? Thank you!

      Like

  2. Laura says:

    This may not be your cup of tea, but I like to listen to audio books at night. I have earbuds with soft silicone that I can comfortably sleep with and just cue up a long audio book. Then, if I wake in the night, I can listen for a few minutes and hopefully drift back to sleep. Mildly interesting nonfiction works well, because it’s not as annoying as ruining plot points in a fiction book. The audio book version of the Steve Jobs biography is good for this purpose. I’d suggest podcasts, too, except so many of them have jolly jingles and/or volume-boosted ads which could wake you up. #LuAnnoy

    Like

  3. Lisa from Texas says:

    I hardly ever sleep well through the night and often have the problem you described of falling into beautiful deep sleep shortly before my alarm goes off. Why is that the best sleep I ever get?
    I giggled aloud–and at work–at your comment on Edsel’s original name. Thanks for keeping me amused even when I’m tired.

    Like

  4. Anonymous says:

    When her babies would sleep all day and be awake all night, Grandma would say she’d put them in their nightgowns and turn them upside down and shake them. As a retired CPS worker, just typing that made me realize how awful that sounds, and of course, she was kidding. However, you might try it. The problem might be getting someone to turn you upside down in your nightgown and shaking you. Aunt K

    Like

  5. teesmithii says:

    I’ve never slept well, so I understand the lack of sleep. When I was working, especially on Sunday night, I would go to bed and could NOT fall asleep. I was watching the clock thinking I have to get up in six hours and this would go on all night long, the countdown for the alarms to go off at 5:00 a.m. I would usually drift off into a wonderful sound sleep after 4:00 a.m.
    I never knew that story about the brother of Iris. You made the perfect selection, sweet Iris.
    Tee

    Liked by 1 person

    1. melvie says:

      Oy, Sunday nights are the worst. Like who wants to get up on Monday morning?

      Like

  6. I go to bed around the same time every night and have no trouble falling asleep, but several times a week I’ll wake up an hour or so before my alarm and won’t be able to fall back asleep. I guess it’s my body telling me to get up and walk on the treadmill, but I really want that last hour of sleep!

    Like

  7. Megsie says:

    I hate not being able to sleep! It is so frustrating and it makes me anxious–so then it is a done deal–no sleep for me. I should just get up and DO something! Then, I would for sure fall right to sleep!

    Have fun at your party!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

    Like

  8. Texas Kari says:

    Oy with the sleep. My latest in a long line of many get-to-sleep strategies is Bob Ross on YouTube on my phone in bed. Yep, the hippie, PBS painter from the 70s/80s. I swear that after about 6 minutes of his voice, I’m OUT! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a completed painting. Try it!

    Maybe a little disco nap will help you rally for your festive plans. Remember the days when we could sleep from 8-10 PM and THEN go out? Ooof.

    Like

    1. teesmithii says:

      I don’t think I’ve ever seen an entire episodes when Bob Ross is painting.
      Tee

      Like

  9. Lovely post. You are a super duper trouper!

    Like

  10. amarabray says:

    Makes me sad you missed White Christmas. That would be fun seeing it in the theater. Fingers crossed you will be all healed up for your parties.

    Like

    1. June says:

      A vaguely pathetic fact: I’ve already seen it once at an old theater in my hometown. So really, I didn’t need to go.

      >

      Like

      1. Hot in Az says:

        Isn’t White Christmas a musical? I thought you hated musicals. My mom loved old musicals and I haven’t seen one since before her death 15 years ago. I tried to find White Christmas on Netflix last week and they wanted me to pay for it. Stupid Netflix.

        Like

  11. Sadie says:

    There’s nothing better than a sound night’s sleep. I know this because of the nights when I’m wide awake like the wide-eyed brother of Iris and not remotely sleepy. Last night, I slept soundly, but had weird dreams so it seems to be one or the other.

    Hope you feel much better today and can enjoy the holiday parties and festivities without spreading or catching the Christmas colds. Based on one of your reader’s comment, I’ve started taking Airborne to boost my immune system for holiday parties.

    Have fun tonight.

    Like

  12. Kris in TN says:

    I haven’t slept well since 12/23/93 when I delivered my first kid. First it was kids and then dogs on the bed. I’ll get a good sleep in about 8 years when my youngest dog dies, I guess.

    Also, the shipping labels on all Amazon packages that have those ridiculously long ID#s like SLKJFGU3POIJ0309IQ92KD84 are made at my husband’s workplace. He helped design the machine that prints them at his plant!

    Like

  13. Snowbird says:

    Your sleep has been my sleep ever since I was a young’un like you. Seeing as I’m 67 now…you get the picture. I have tried almost every cure, to no avail. I am retired now, so don’t need an alarm clock. But guess what? I still have to force myself to get up early otherwise the problem is worse! Getting old sucks.

    Like

    1. Anonymous says:

      YES – Snowbird – getting old sucks. I still bounce around with the OLLY sleep gummies. Sometimes works, sometimes doesn’t. Like you, I am old but not retired so I have an alarm clock. In fact – three alarms.

      Like

  14. Cheryl says:

    Amazon is absolutely one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I hate not being able to sleep during the night. Alarm clocks are the devil. It is a shame that everyone has to use them. Wouldn’t life be great if we could just get out of bed whenever we wanted to and shop on Amazon all day? I guess that will have to be after we win the lottery.
    Cheryl

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Helen says:

    I feel like there’s so many things we should be mad at, not use, hate, etc. that it’s exhausting. I decided a while ago to just like what I like and owe no explanations to anyone.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    Someone else already mentioned the Window. That time when you go to bed and fall asleep easily, but if you power through you can stay up for hours. Mine is 9PM. Lame I know, but I always fall asleep quickly, sleep great and feel so much better when 5:00 AM rolls around. It was a big day for me when I finally conceded that I need to hit the pillow right at 9. All I’m missing is an hour or so of just listlessly browsing the internet, so whoooo care.

    We have The Ring Doorbell (also known as the “why in the HELL do our dogs have to bark at every little sound” device) and our Amazon deliveries sometimes hit the porch so fast that the doorbell doesn’t even pick up the motion! How do they do that??

    Love love love the tablecloth. My grandmas both had the same one! No cats on their tables, but that’s their loss I guess!

    Like

  17. QueenStella says:

    That early morning deep sleep before the alarm rings is the best and worst. I can go to sleep but wake at 2:30 and then feel pressured to get back to sleep because the alarm is gonna ring in a few hours…and I’m still awake. Enjoy your par-tay. Christmas tree might go up this weekend, idk.

    Like

  18. Jeanie Herkomer says:

    Last night was a rough one for me, too, sleep-wise. I blame it on trying to get used to “My Pillow.” Not liking it at all, and I wonder why people rave about it. Hope you are well enough to enjoy the parties, June, and I understand about Amazon. I ordered several Christmas gifts from them and am now worried about porch pirates. Love that Eyeriss.

    Like

    1. Helen says:

      My My Pillow is the best pillow I’ve ever had. It makes me mad because I don’t agree with that guy’s politics and really don’t want to support him. They do come in different styles – maybe you bought the wrong one for your sleep style?

      Like

      1. Jeanie Herkomer says:

        I got it from my daughter, who received it from her father. I don’t know what type is, but I was thinking it would be good for a back sleeper, which I’m not.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Jeanie Herkomer says:

          what type IT is.

          Like

  19. Beth from the woods says:

    Love that picture, very good one of you. You look like you feel well there.
    I can see why we like living vicariously through you…you give life to life.
    Hope you get to enjoy the merry in the festivities . Glad you have the pet nurses caring for you.
    Colds screw everything up.

    Like

  20. Barbara says:

    Not being able to go to sleep really bites. Have fun at your festivities!

    Like

  21. Door Color Expert Andrea says:

    I will chortle at Lily rolling her eye at “Sugarplum” for the rest of the day, so thank you for that.

    Still wearing the June Cold Ribbon signifying ‘thoughts and prayers’ … and recommend you do a nice shot of whiskey for your cold. Heck, do it at work.

    Like

  22. 1madgirl says:

    There is no sleep sweeter than that just before dawn sleep. My hand is still over my heart in honor of your stalwartness but I had to lift my bowed head because the cold I caught from you was making snot run down the front of my blouse. I know it was from you because I haven’t been anywhere else except the grocery store, the doctor’s office and a Thanksgiving dinner with 30 people.

    Like

    1. Sandra in Naples says:

      I too like CK. Well, his humor at least. I do not like musicals at all.
      And I don’t understand My Pillow either. The best sleep is always before dawn.
      Have a great , festive weekend June.

      Like

  23. Laurieintexas says:

    I sympathize! All of my adult life, I have had what I call my Window of Opportunity for sleeping. It’s term I use with my grown sons or anyone who try’s to keep me on the phone late in the evening. “You’re keeping me up past my Window of Opportunity!” Between 10:00 to 11:15, if I go to bed and read for bit, I am able to sleep. If I stay up to midnight or beyond, I get my second wind, as they say, and can go for another few hours. If I go to sleep and wake up for any reason, then I am awake for hours. Then I doze off about 4:00, but I seldom sleep past 8:00. It sucks.

    Like

  24. Leanne In Greenville NC says:

    I love White Christmas. Going to DPAC on Sunday to see the stage version, can’t wait. Also? We broke bad and decided to book a room in the hotel that is attached, so all we have to do is check in, sashay down to the theatre, than sashay back to the room after the show is over. Oh, and I have already bought a nice bag of Fritos to go along along with the brownies I’m gonna make to eat in the room afterwards. This is my kind of party. Hope you have a great time at your festive event Lovely June!

    Like

  25. JP says:

    I know Louis CK is politically incorrect, but he is funny. I just finished a show, Better Things, that he wrote and produced. Dark, funny stuff.
    Feel better!

    Like

  26. Jan says:

    List of things I should hate but I don’t and everyone can suck it:
    Amazon
    Louis CK
    White bread
    Non environmentally friendly K Cups
    All things that are genetically modified
    Walmart
    Howard Stern
    Taco Bell
    Decorating for Christmas before Thanksgiving
    Listening to Christmas music beginning Nov. 1
    Pumpkin spiced anything
    …. there’s more!

    Liked by 2 people

  27. There is nothing worse than being awake when you WANT to be asleep. Lately I have had that issue due to being ravenous. I am not dieting. Cannot figure it out but I keep waking up to pee and then can’t go back to sleep because I want to eat my fricking pillow. What the Hell is up with that?!

    I wonder if you could not sleep because of cold medicines that you took. Sometimes they wire you.

    You make me sad that I am allergic to cats (and dogs).

    Good luck getting thru your parties – hope you get a solid nap in first! Is the cold improving? I got pink eye from flying on a plane. Yuck.

    Like

  28. Mel says:

    You’re gonna be the belle of the ball tonight. Stick a Kleenex in your bra just in case!

    Like

  29. sara(h) says:

    Happy you are on the mend and that you have delightful one eyed Iris to keep you company. Enjoy your Christmas events.
    Whoever is naming the animals at that shelter, needs a new job.

    Like

  30. Davida says:

    I also got a packaged from Amazon delivered this morning, but at 6:35am! Pixie, our dog started huffing and puffing and we had no idea why until Alexa turned her green notification on. I agree with you, I should hate Amazon (and Louis C.K.), but I don’t. They make life too convenient for me.

    Like

  31. Florence says:

    Do enjoy your festive events this weekend and hope you feel better and better! You’ve earned it; all your decorations are up even though you were unwell. I have not yet unpacked a single decoration, but I must, because it makes me feel so cheerful once they are up.

    Like

  32. gladyswhoisalsobee says:

    Lovely post, Coot. So sorry you are not well.

    Cats are amazing. I had one before I found out I was allergic. Old Fluffybutt would disappear completely unless you opened a can of tuna or a chip bag.

    Like

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: