…What?

If I could just have 14 fekking seconds where I’m not doing something between 8 a.m. and 10 p.m., I could write you.

That reminds me: Speaking of doing things, last night I saw my trainer, who has decorated her gym for Christmas, which kills me. Anyway, she said when she was a kid she was in the choir and sang, “Oh bring us some frigging pudding” because that’s what she thought the words were.

Makes more sense than figgy. We sing all sorts of Xmas songs that make no sense like it’s normal. “…the angels did say was to certain poor shepherds….” …What?

“Should auld aquaintance…” …What?

I guess it’s cause we’re singing songs from 1412 like we’re the Wife of Bath.

Anyway let’s look at my photos so I can remember what all I’ve been doing other than running hither and yon since someone invented Christmas. When did Christmas become a whole month? What we need is some sort of movement to take it back to how it was in 1412. You celebrate one day then go back to having pox.

[…a pause while June peruses her photos…]

For some reason, last Friday started out light at work, so all of us copy editors in my row got together and ordered sandwiches at 10:30 in the morning from the pharmacy that time forgot. I’ve told you about that place before. It’s near my house and it’s near work because work is near my house.

The pharmacy (with a lunch counter) that time forgot decorated for Christmas. I love going in there. I’d have taken a photo of the counter but it was filled with old men.

I got a ham and swiss on wheat for like 17 cents. The other copy editor got a cheeseburger and the other other copy editor got cream cheese and olive like she’s 79 years young today, brought to you by Smuckers.

How full of yourself do you have to be to call your company Smuckers when that word makes no sense other than it’s your name? It might as well be a Christmal carol, so little sense does it make. “Good King Whathisname looked out on the feast of Steven…”

…What?

Oh, I know what else is new! I traded in my little tiny roller skate car for a 2018 Fiat 500X. Let me find an ad for one so you can see it from the side.

I had taken my little blue roller skate car to the dealership because I had two lights on the dashboard: a vulva on a rubber mat and excited cheese.

I have a warranty so that’s why I went there. But you know how that takes longer than you think (the repairmen ran for crackers to go with the cheese), so I wandered the lot and saw that cute car, and it was one year older than mine but with the same mileage (3,800 miles). Turns out they’d never sold it; the men who worked there used it and they offered it as a rental car.

Anyway, it’s the same car payment so I traded it in. Oh, my heart tugged as I pulled away from that baby blue little car. I really did love it. But after my accident I always felt like a sitting duck in that teensy thing. It’s been 4 months since my accident and I still felt tense.

“Deck the halls with boughs of holly.” What the Sam Holy Hill are boughs?

On Saturday night, I drove my new vehicle to a church, because you’re sick and tired of hearing about me being at a church. Jo’s grandnephew was in a production there, so Jo invited Marty Martin and Kayeeeeee and me to it.

Lemme tell ya something. Those Baptists? Are into Christmas.

They left no frigging pudding or stone unturned when it came to Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas, and when can we not in December, I got a card from Lottie Blanco and her wife, Lottie Blanco, and look how they signed it.

Dying.

I guess that wraps up everything I’ve been up to other than literally wrapping things up, and have I mentioned this time of year irks me?

Last night after work I screamed on over to the trainer

to work out, unfortunately, and also to meet her NEW DOGGIE, who came from a Lab rescue. He is 7 or 8 months old and was originally adopted by an elderly couple who found him to be too energetic. What made an old couple say, Heyyyy, how about a mild Lab puppy?

My trainer, who has the energy of 10,000 suns, took this ball of fire and is whipping him into shape. Really, he was rambunctious but he was such a good boy. He didn’t jump on me, and okay, he stuck his entire snout in my bag, but who doesn’t? Also, I said, “Shake” and he shook paws with me and my trainer said, “I didn’t teach him that. I didn’t know he knew that.” So clearly he is a genius who has retained his old lessons. He probably could tell me what a bough is.

Then she put him upstairs and I could hear Hank, the puppy, and her other cute black-and-white dog, Rosie, playing the whole time we were downstairs. It was like the Clydesdales were up there. Mother of god. Apparently they play all day.

Then I screamed to my old theater, where I pointedly did NOT see the Muppet movie, but rather Shop Around the Corner, which was showing in the smaller upstairs theater they have. I’d never seen it before and why don’t more people love that movie? It was great. It was You’ve Got Mail but with Jimmy Stewart.

Tonight I’m going BACK up there, as The Poet has never seen Love, Actually and they are showing it tonight and we shall be in attendance. Then Thursday I have a Christmas party and LET’S GO BACK TO CHRISTMAS BEING ONE DAY OH MY GOD.

Love,
Jooon

P.S. I forgot to mention that when I woke up today, I had a dog hat because it was thundering out. Fifty pounds of dog, right on my head.

P.P.S. “Round yon virgin…” …WHAT??

51 thoughts on “…What?

  1. I have to tell you, during last years practice for our church’s Christmas Pagent, the children were singing Away In A Manger, instead of ‘the cattle are lo-ing’, the little voices sang out ‘the cattle are lonely’. All of the adults cracked up!

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  2. I forgot to mention earlier that you ‘vulva on a rubber mat’ light is what I call my ‘butt crack’ light (usually means low tire). Mine’s not on a rubber mat, though.

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  3. Love the new car! I had a 2017 Mustang convertible. But when the lease was over, I went back to a SUV. It just feels safer. I do miss how fast the Mustang was! I love The Little Shop Around the Corner. My favorite Christmas movie is Holiday Affair with Robert Mitchum. My cable company decided that not enough people watch TMC, so they made it a subscription channel. I love old movies, so I’m looking for a new service.

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  4. And you get—A NEW CAR! How fun! I have not started Christmas yet. First finals THEN Christmas, so. I haven’t even watched Love Actually yet. I can’t wait to do that. It is my most favorite movie, and I have you to thank. I had never heard of it before you raved. Now I rave as well.

    ‘Round yon virgin to you–
    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  5. I loved this post!
    The Lottie Blancos, made me laugh out loud.
    Your new car, nice. I get wanting a larger vehicle. After we were hit head on, I wanted a tank. I still would like a tank because of the nut drivers around here.
    The soda fountain place I loved. There is a drug store in Hapeville (Georgia) right near the Atlanta Airport that has a soda fountain. When I was working I would treat myself with a lime sour, it be delish.
    Every day I think I have all my Christmas ducks in a row, then only to discover I missed a duck.
    Tee

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  6. Re: your trainer’s new rescue Lab: my daughter spent two months puppy-sitting a sweet, rambunctious Silver Lab for a middle-aged couple, both of whom worked full time and had never raised a puppy before, and who didn’t have the faintest idea how to care for or train a dog except to buy it toys and let it bite them, and to say yes to every professional who gave advice and then ignore it. I could go on and on. She finally quit for a lot of reasons. I showed her this post and she said Hank’s previous owners must have thought Lab meant “created in a lab to be a mild puppy.”

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  7. I watch Shop Around the Corner every year. I’ve already watched it this year and see that TCM has it scheduled to play again soon.

    Congratulations on your new car and hope you love it as much as baby blue, but without the anxiety.

    That was some Christmas pageant! And the costumes! Makes the ones I participated in as a child seem much more amateur. Because they were.

    Love the Lottie Bs’ card.

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  8. It’s amazing you even NEED a car when everywhere is 3 minutes away! But I did the same thing after my last car wreck- went from a teensy Toyota to a small SUV. Never regretted it once.

    I’m maxed out on Holiday Stress, and there’s still another week to go. I had very carefully (ok, kind of vaguely but still was thinking about it) planned evenings this week for cards, present wrapping, and cookie baking. But then last night realized I didn’t have enough cards, wrapping paper, or flour to do any of those things, so now I’m off by a night. OH WELL. I can’t work myself up into a Christmas stroke!

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  9. I’ve never seen Shop Around the Corner. I’ll have to search Netflix and Amazon Prime to see if I can find it. I adore old movies and I adore Jimmy Stewart.

    You’re new car is fantastic! I hope you’ll feel safer in it.

    And I am not in the Christmas spirit even a tiny bit this year. I’ve had a weird few weeks and I’m not feeling it at all.

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  10. Bummed- I could’ve commented as like the 7th peep but the really good baby I sit for was fighting with me to take his bottle so I could not sit down and peruse my blogs of interest. Took a break from stuffing 175 envelopes with my Christmas cards to finally read this cuz my back is breaking.

    The pox. That killed me- well, in a different way than it killed actual people. anyway this post is chock full of hilarious tidbits. The vulva and the cheese. Haaa!

    I must tell you that I dreamt that I showed up to your town and we met. The party or whatever is too hard to translate from dream world, but I did tell you at one point that I am the one who comments ad Ernie. You were like, yeah I knew that.

    It was very real. We were nit singing carrols with odd lyrics though.

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  11. Thanks for the fun post, June. Your new car looks like a great choice.I remember childhood Christmas pageants–always an angel never a Mary.

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  12. I added Shop Around The Corner to my Old Christmas Movies collection a couple of years ago. It never disappoints. I adore that Pharmacy lunch counter, I bet that was a really good grilled ham and cheese. Been feeling a little stressed about the holiday lately but told myself to just chill out already. We whip ourselves into a frenzy for 48 hrs my goodness.

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  13. We just watched Love Actually last night. I love that the Brits say “Happy Christmas”. Cute car! Don’t blame you for trading in your other cute car. My husband insisted on buying a Smart car, which also looks like a roller skate. Turns out, it’s not such a good idea for a 6’3″ guy who likes to recline the seat and nap on his lunch break. It seems “boughs” is a popular word in songs. In Rock-A-Bye-Baby, one breaks and the baby tumbles to the ground and we don’t even learn the fate of the baby. Anyway, Happy Christmas!

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  14. On the John Denver Sings Christmas with the Muppets album (or something), a certain female porker becomes upset with Kermit because she thinks he’s singing ‘bring us some piggy pudding’ and then he explains it’s ‘FIGGY pudding’. ‘Oh!’ she said. ‘It’s made with figs’ he said. ‘And bacon!’

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    1. I love the Piggy Pudding Part. And the 12 Days of Christmas. I grew up with that album. SUCH a snapshot in time!

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  15. Love Shop Around the Corner and In the Good Old Summertime is a good one as well. My favorite Christmas movie is The BIshops Wife with Cary Grant as an angel. Yes, indeedy. You should watch it if you haven’t seen it yet. Love the new car and the darker blue color. Enjoy staying home one night if you can. We have become very stingy with our evenings in the last few years and stay in as much as we can. It is time to get out the big puzzle to work on in the winter.

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  16. Great post! And a fun new blue toy for you. Did you name it Blu? I loved Shop Around the Corner. And The Bishop’s Wife…Oh you have to see that if you haven’t already. Tomorrow we are getting a little baby cold front I am SO excited.

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  17. Great new car, June. I hope yule (see what I did there?) feel much safer now. Also loving baby Hank. Who’s a good boy? Other than Edsel, I mean. Those little kids are adorable, as are the Lottie Blancos. Wasn’t your sandwich cold by the time you ate it? It was grilled, right? And what about the hamburger? Cold?

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  18. Muppet Christmas Carol is awesome! Also in Holly Jolly Christmas, what is a “New Old Fashion way”? It’s either new or old fashion. Irked

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  19. Love your new car! Hopefully now you’ll be able to drive less tense-ly.
    I agree with the whole Christmas month thing; it’s completely gotten out of hand. I have decided to downsize my Christmas celebrations…because all of my family is in town, everyone expects me to be everywhere. Not doing it any more. Now much more selective about how far I’m willing to drive.

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  20. I have always found it strange that you don’t like Christmas. I would have thought you love the gift-receiving part. I know I do. The stranger thing is that as I get older I like the gift-giving part almost as much. Congrats on the new car.

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    1. There is a really common misperception about me: That I love getting gifts. People are forever thinking it’s a big deal with me and in fact it’s not. I’d even say it’s the very last thing on that Love Languages list. But for some reason my whole life people have thought I’m super into gifts.

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  21. Frigging pudding killed me. I’m going to be thinking of that all day.

    But, have you SEEN The Muppet Christmas Carol? It is excellent. I love me a good muppet movie.

    I’m over the entire month of December being Christmas. Just calm down folks. I got a phone call at work this morning from an irate commuter. Why was he irate? Because one of our trucks was on the road at 5 A.M. (in the fog and rain) and he was doing the speed limit. The speed limit! How dare he impede traffic like that? People. I’m over them too.

    Congratulations on your cute little car!

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  22. We just watched Love, Actually last week. Love it, Actually. Congrats on the new car. I thought for a sec that you actually saw A Muppet Christmas and it felt like everything I thought I knew about June was a lie. I`’ll have to look up the shopping movie.
    Is it December yet? I’d better start shopping. Bah, humbug.
    Lovely post, pretty June.

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  23. Ohh, I’d forgotten about Shop Around the Corner! I loved that movie. Love, Actually I despise though. Might have something to do with the fact that I watched it for the first time a couple years ago and the early 2000’s comments about weight and attractiveness irked me immensely.

    The new blue car is lovely, and I’m sure it will feel much safer!

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  24. Who doesnt love an old lunch counter?! I miss those. Back home in AZ there’s another one time forgot called MacAlpine’s, it has a soda fountain too. Ah, the good old days of 1412. Lovely post Joob! PS – Congrats on the new car!

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  25. I had that symbol on the left show up when I was driving the other day. Called my husband and said “the emergency butt crack light just came on!”. He’s so over me.

    I agree with you about Christmas. WHY does it have to be so filled with stress and pushing pushing pushing. All the “LAST CHANCE” emails and BIG SALES and HURRY THE EFF UP reminders… not fun. Just give me the good smells and the pretty lights and some sparkly tinsel and I’m good.

    Lovely post lovely June! And I LOVE your new car!

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  26. Lovely post Coot.
    Love the new car.
    Shop around the Corner is such a good movie. My favorite is Christmas in Connecticut with Barbara Stanwicks and her shoulder pads.
    Also why isnt Bundle of Joy shown more?
    Anyway… Happy Christmas month

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