Text and the city

In case you’re worried sick, I did remember to take the trash cans out last night, just as soon as I got home. But a quick check at my text from the city, starring Sarah Jessica Parker, tells me that it’s not recycle week and my bin is FULL, dammit. Full. Stupid holiday season.

There’s no room at the bin.

In other important updates, last summer I decided to try natural deodorant instead of antiperspirant, for myriad reasons. Fortunately this decision coincided conveniently with my car accident, which was good because that first week or two that you give up the antiperspirant ain’t pretty, and I was mostly home during that time. Lying in the dark being concussed.

Upon my earth-shattering decision last summer, I bought this vanilla lavender hippie deodorant they have at my Ghetto Lion, and I liked it, but you know how I am. Once I ran out of that I had to try a new brand, because it’s always better out there somewhere. This time I got this Tom’s of Minnesota brand, or whatever, and it’s coconut-scented.

What’s with everything being coconut-related nowadays? Coconut is the lemon of the ’10s. Remember in the ’70s when it was Love’s Fresh Lemon this and LemonUp that? Now the whole world is Gilligan’s phone.

Anyway I hate it. I smell like a lime-in-the-coconut hippie, and I do not wish to smell this way nor drink it all up, and now I am stuck with this scent till it runs out and I will be needing your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

In another update that is meaningless, every day my phone goes off at 6:35—that’s what I use for an alarm now, is my phone. When did we become these people?

Anyway I’ve somehow set my phone up to say to me, “How come you never take me to the airport anymore?”

That was a line from When Harry Met Sally that .02 people will get, so you’re welcome.

I’ve somehow set up my phone to say, “Good morning. It’s [insert temperature here] and the high will be [insert meat thermometer here] and it will be partly/mostly not at all [insert your opinion here].”

So what I’m saying to you is my phone gives me a little brief on the weather and why do we care so much? It’s not like any of us are walking to school.

My point is that then I get out of bed and draw the living room blinds (I have a giant easel and a puffy artist hat). As I do this, I tell my Google Machine [® my mother], “Hey, Google, good morning” and I’ve already done too much good-morning-ing for my tastes.

I hate the phrase “good morning.” Fuck off.

“Good morning. June.” First of all, my Google Machine literally calls me June. Hello, delusional. And then also it always halts before saying my name. My “name.” Like even my Google Machine thinks I’m an asshole for having it call me June.

Anyway, as I make my way around the room, because I have four fucking blinds to open, Google Machine tells me the weather, and here’s the thing.

It always diverges wildly from what my phone has told me. Like, the phone will say there’s a high of 63 and it’ll be mostly sunny. Google Machine will say it’s going to be 48 and cloudy.

Someone in my house is wrong. I just don’t know who. Does my phone think I’m in San Francisco or something? Does Google Machine think I’m in Minnesota with Tom and his deodorant? If so, how do I find out and how do I fix it?

Computers have made life harder than it used to be. Now you can get work texts at 10:30 p.m., for example.

I’d better get ready. Tonight is the Christmas bash for my team, the “creatives,” and we are having the party downtown at a cool wood-floored old store that sells fancy eyeglass frames. I would get dolled up but everyone at the party will have worked with my Merle Haggard self all day so why bother?

I leave you with two things. One is my rod.

Faithful Reader Kris sent me a message saying I would get a package from her and that I could open it BEFORE Christmas. Look! It’s a Frida! I think I will keep this out all year long and not just at Christmas.

Sometimes I feel bad that I don’t send all y’all gifts who send ME gifts, but if I did that I would be destitute and living in a neighborhood of meth addicts.

Wait…

The other thing is, as I went to the kitchen to take a picture of Frida, who is hanging from my kitchen light fixture, I saw out the window Edsel and Milhous, and they had their backs to me, looking at the sunrise together like a douche commercial and it was so cute but by the time I took a photo of course they had moved.

But what I enjoy is how Milhous caught on that I was staring at them in Personal Growth (another When Harry Met Sally joke, and who is annoying today?) while Eds remained oblivious.

Anyway, everyone’s inside now and Edsel is accusing Mil of being one of those conspiracy theory people and Mil is insisting 9/11 was an inside job and that sums up my life.

Coconutly,
June, writing from where it’s either 48 or 63 degrees out.

60 Comments

  1. Am I the only person in the universe who feels no guilt at throwing away something that I do not like the scent of? I don’t torture myself with using it anyway, until it’s used. Yes, I know it’s wasteful and I don’t do it very often, but if it smells like ick to me, it needs to go. Same if it works like ick. Of course, that could be why I have 15 tubes of different concealers in my makeup drawer.

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  2. Busy day and just had a chance to read the comments. I love Millhous and Edsel’s photo essay and the Frida ornament. Is this the same Kris who made your afghan? Very talented reader or readers, whatever the case may be.

    Now I must get my trash and recycling to the curb before it gets much later.

    Oh, and thanks to PSS, I am still using Tom’s aluminum-free unscented deodorant.

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  3. I heart WHMS. Haven’t seen it in quite a while, and probably should remedy that tout suite!
    I am not brave enough to try plain deo with no antiperspirant. This summer when Texas was like the surface of the sun, I spritzed my underarms with rubbing alcohol when I got out of the shower, then put on antiperspirant when I got dressed. I think it helped. Anyone else do that?
    Hilarious post, June!

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  4. I loved your photo essay – I laughed out loud so loud my cats jumped.

    Laurie (Lucy’s mom) OR Laurie in NB, Canada where it is very cold today -10 at 5:35 pm (but no snow)

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  5. As far as scents go (deodorant, drier sheets, Febreze car air fresheners), I tend to stick with baby powder or fresh linen or fresh breeze. I mean, everyone loves the way babies smell and fresh just seems like a good choice. I can see how coconut scent anything would be a little much after a while.

    Also, in terms of candles, I love anything cinnamon or cinnamon spice scented this time of year. YUM

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  6. At work, when I email men, which is 95% of my job, I use numbers to keep them on track:

    1. I am not your consolation prize.
    2. I like Avon’s old-lady deodorant that my grandma used to use, but mostly I don’t wear anti/deo at all. I did use it my last year of hot flashes, though. Mighty handy, that.
    3. In Iowa, our thermometers say things like “slightly warmer than Minnesota” and “be grateful you aren’t in North Dakota right now” from November until April. No numbers needed.
    4. I need to make an ugly Christmas sweater today. I’m thinking of tinsel-y garland sewn onto a garment.

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    1. One year we had a team party at work, and the night before my cat died. I wore a red sweater with a green ornament hanging from it. Disclaimer: Did not win contest for best sweater that year.

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      1. Losing our pets ruins everything. I’ve had St. Patrick’s Day and Mother’s Day ruined in recent memory. But that ornament idea sounds easier than sewing garland…

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  7. Loved this post! Have to agree that your writing is your gift to us. Makes my day so much better!
    Love the “kids” – looking at the sunrise! Aren’t they amazing? My dog loves the sunrise too!
    Not sure if anyone watches the Geico commercials – I usually hate them but there was one on last night that was great. All about dogs – and people using cell phones and the dogs said – “put your phone on do not disturb” – the first useful and cute ad from them!

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  8. “Restaurants are to people in the 80’s what theaters were to people in the 60’s.” The Frida ornament is so dang cute and so is Eds and Mill watching the sunrise. “No room at the bin” – HA!

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  9. ROFL. This post is one for your book for sure. My husband went to the recycle center just this morning and while he was gone I created four more glass containers, a plastic mayonnaise jar and two of those containers (like water bottle plastic) with spinach. I would love to have curbside recycle. I just checked my natural supply of deodorant. There is cucumber & aloe, lavender & sage, bergamot (which is basically orange peels) & lime, why don’t they just say, orange peel & lime, and unscented. I don’t think I would like the coconut scent, however, I do rinse my mouth with coconut oil, well, currently I’m only sloshing warm salt water until my gum heals from another bone graft. Coconut oil is suppose to promote healthy gums. I think it’s common knowledge, among cats, that they are the superior animal, just ask them. That Kris is amazing with her creations. June, you writing to us most days is a huge gift. Thank you. Between now and Christmas I have four events to attend. I’m trying really hard not to eat a bunch of junk…why so fat?
    Tee

    Liked by 1 person

  10. “6 years later, you find yourself singing Surrey with a Fringe on Top IN FRONT OF IRA!” Also, that douche commercial! I was thinking about that commercial the other day after explaining to my daughter what a douche was. I find if I dissect the etymology of swear words for her, she’s less likely to use them… or at least less likely to use them wrong. I cannot seem to stop her from saying, “Mothertrucker” anytime something doesn’t go her way, though.

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    1. Appropos of almost nothing, I keep forgetting to say that I was at CVS the other day and I heard two clerks talking about someone. “She’s a real Scrouge,” one of them said, then followed it up with, “Do you know what a Scrouge is?” “No,” said the other clerk and it was all I could do to not screech to halt like the Road Runner. NO??? NO!!??

      The first clerk patiently explained what it was. Holy cats.

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  11. When we were kids we hated cocunut (my siblings and I). Once we were at a resteraunt with friends. The staff heard us reference our friends’ (twins) b-day so they surprised with a cake. The frosting was cocunut. Totally covering the cake. I do not mind coconut nowadays. It is in so much especially now that I have celiac disease. It jazzs stuff up.

    I too loved ‘no room at the bin’ your way of tying stuff in is a gift!

    Would love to know what the pers were chatting about. So cute!

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  12. Up here in the tundra, weather is just sort of “oh look, it’s cold again. what a shock.” Is this where I say *meh*? Also, loved Love’s Fresh Lemon…

    Anyhoo, I see the boys lined up like that, and I remember that lovely poem from my childhood literature anthology: “The Gingham dog and the Calico cat, side by side on the table they sat.” They were friends, they competed with each other, and then they killed each other.

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  13. I got the WHMS references too and I also miss Love’s Fresh Lemon. I suppose that makes me kind of old but hooo care? Great post, pretty Joon.

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  14. I feel so lucky that I started today with this post. The sun is shining, I have been laughing, it’s the last day of finals, and I could sit and ease into the day! With YOU!

    Just to clarify: The weather on my phone for Minneapolis is 14 degrees. If it were going to be 48, I would be EVEN HAPPIER!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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    1. Hi Megsie,
      Up here in the Mpls Urban Heat Island, we are at 10, per my laptop app. Who knows how they do this stuff. My car always has a different temp than the weather guy on the radio.

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  15. I _do_ walk to school every day, as I work at a secondary school near my house. But I live in the UK, so I bring an umbrella every day, anyway.
    Sorry your deodorant isn’t working out. I use one that smells like lemongrass, and I think it makes me smell worse, but I’m powering through it. Can’t wait till it’s all used up.
    Edsel and Milhous are lovely.

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  16. Lovely post Coot.

    My dryer has wifi and has a setting for me to text it and turn it on. My question is how do I text the washer and have it expel the wet clothes into the textable dryer.

    Love the Mil and Edz sharing the sunrise like Nicholas Cage in City of Angels. But you know what bugged me about that scene? They were in LA. The sun sets in the west. Why were they staring west waiting for the sun to rise?
    Have to go pick up my Christmas Tamales. Do you think Mary said to Joseph; text the wise men and ask them to pick up the Christmas Tamales.

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    1. Have I ever told you (probably) about the time my cousin Katie and I were on the Ferris wheel in Santa Monica, hanging over the Pacific Ocean, and we were trying to figure out which way we were facing? I literally said, “I wish we had some sort of landmark…” LIKE AN OCEAN, maybe.

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  17. Oh, I love where you have hung Frida in your home … I think she came out so cute! I need to make ornaments for my tree someday. Also, I noticed you just paid a big chunk towards your fence loan … Good for you!

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  18. I love the lines from When Harry Met Sally. It’s one of my favorite movies! I still remember the first time I saw that movie ad a teenager.

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  19. So many excellent one liners in this post!!

    In 1970 my dad majored in recreational management and they told them that technology was going to make work so easy humans would have SO much leisure time, we would be constantly thinking up new recreational activities for them to manage.

    And now a client can yell at me no matter where I am in the world, and demand everything happen in real time. So much for recreational management.

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  20. I love how Milhous still had his tail up against Edsel like “I’m moving, but still connected to my brother!”

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      1. We ALL love Edsel. But I’m not sure you should saddle Edsel’s intellectual acumen on the entire canine portion of the animal kingdom. Border collies will be picketing outside your house. But you might enjoy that!

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  21. I have barely begun to read your post today, but screamed to the comments to profess my love for, “There’s no room at the bin.”

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      1. That killed me too. I have no room in my bin either. I got a new boiler last month and the plumber filled my recycling bin with all of the packing materials. I NEVER have a full recyling bin, I can miss a cycle (they only collect it every other week) and still be OK. Who missed putting it out for Black Friday Eve (Thanksgiving) and overslept ? Moi. My well organized neighbors must have been sleeping off their turkey and pie and did not have their cans out damn it Gumby. Now It’s nearly full again. Shit, I will be away when they collect next week. I hope my neighbor/pet sitter remembers to put it out for me. First world problems!

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  22. My husband would suggest you make a chart, preferably a spreadsheet, where you track which weather report ended up being more accurate. He would have a field (call it a rectangle instead of a field just to watch a vein pop out of his forehead, it’s fun!) for the actual temperature, one for the Google machine’s predicted temperature and one for the phone temperature. There would be more fields that compute the variance between the 3 sources, there would probably be a graph on the spreadsheet, with lines in different colors. He would them tell you that OBVIOUSLY Robot A is the weather report to trust because see how green squiggly line and blue squiggly line are so much more similar, where as Robot B’s red squiggly line is just too far away?

    Then I would suggest that excel hurts my brain, and I don’t know how to make it compute things and I would suggest different colors for the squiggly lines and could we change the font to make it prettier…?

    And then he would give up on me (again) and his annoyance in my not excel loving ways would last 1.5 – 2 days.

    OR! You could just watch the local news forecast online – that’s what I’ve started doing. The local folks seems to know best what’s happening here, at least better than the robots who live in my phone.

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        1. But I am a woman and boy howdy do I love a good spreadsheet – really I track everything tis annoying but do you wanna know how much I spent on cat food last year or cat litter I can graph that baby up like nobodies business – look how cat spending is trending up every year – spoiler – cat spending never trends down – oh to make the vein pop in my world refer to the locomotive as a train – I can even picture it now – ya know the front train – cue vein – you mean the locomotive EVERY single time

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  23. Excellent post, June. SOME OF US get all of the WHMS references.

    I tried a “natural” vanilla deodorant and I smelled like I was smuggling cupcakes all day. Made me hungry. Back to the usual stuff.

    We have both Alexa and Google and then Siri on our phones. It’s ridiculous who we have to talk to depending on which room we’re in and what light we want on. I hate us. Plus also too, Alexa in the bedroom can’t connect for whatever reason, but she hears us speaking to Alexa in the living room and she gets all upset trying to connect and do our bidding. The poor dear.

    I think I told you how my son set up Siri on his phone: she calls him Mr. MotherF*cker Jones. In an Australian accent, no less. And he somehow has it set that she addresses him by name no matter what he asks her. “The current temperature, Mr. MotherF*cker Jones, is twenty two degrees.” I have to admit it’s slightly hilarious.

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      1. PSA: I just made a comment and did NOT use an email address or name. It works people.
        Tee
        I just did it again.

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  24. Listen. I know my problems are not your problems, but my oven has wifi (WHY?) and the clock sets itself to some mysterious Higher Power and, the thing is, IT’S ALWAYS WRONG. Not just a tiny BIT wrong, but like ten or twelve minutes wrong. Which is very disconcerting to someone who has a six minute drive to work and leaves at THE VERY LAST SECOND. It doesn’t get progressively MORE wrong, it just ticks along 12 minutes ahead of the real time. I’ve Karen-ed the company that made this dumb oven and honestly, they just don’t care.

    And this is how I’m supposed to live?

    As for weather, I have 8 separate weather apps on my phone – none of them agree, ever. So now I just ignore them all and hope for the best. I mean, if you don’t even know what time it is, what does it MATTER?

    Lovely post lovely June! Smell ya later!

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