RING!!

It was 9:01 Saturday morning.

“hullo,” I said, half awake and also trying to be as dramatic about it as possible.

“Oh! Did I wake you?!” asked my mother. She was cheerfully driving through an ice storm, because in Michigan an ice storm is just part of your day.

“yes,” I said, striving for drama, which might as well be my mission statement.

“I thought you’d be at work already,” she said, spinning 360 degrees on the ice and continuing on, waving at abominable snowmen.

“It’s Saturday,” I pointed out, noting Edsel dragging himself tiredly to my pillow, mouthing “wtf.” Even he knew what day it was.

“Oh, right. When you’re retired, all the days are the same,” said mom, as she slipped on her crampons so she could traverse the parking lot to get my stepfather.

I know what crampons are because Marvin made me watch 39493494 Mt. Everest documentaries before I finally had to divorce him. I finally had to see the other side of the mountain.

My stepfather, who is smart and so forth, goes to philosophy club every Saturday. No one called off said club due to the, you know, ICE STORM because Michigan.

“Oooo, my windshield is getting frozen over!” my mother said cheerfully.

So I got out of bed. It was the least I could do while the rest of my family was in the cast of Frozen.

Oh, and before I forget: On Friday I took Lily to work, as you do, because we had a photoshoot.

She was the only cat there. There was also a guinea pig in a skirt who killed me. Not literally. Anyway, Lily did SO WELL. “My cat would be calling the authorities if I’d brought her,” everyone said. Not Lily. She was all, “nother day on set. yawnz.”

“shoot me like one of your french fries.”

“lileee not get out of bed for less than 15,000 treets.”

Anyway, afterward she made out with The Other Copy Editor’s Pomeranian.

Oh my god, they loved each other. The saw the floof in one another. Namasfluffay.

Anyway. Back to being awakened at an ungodly hour Saturday.

So since I was up, I headed to Belt, as my mother called it once and I can’t let it go, but really it’s called Belk. I was out of my $3939329 Chanel foundation, which fortunately I only have to buy once a year, but the time was here. I mean, I still had a teensy bit left, but I had to meter it out like gold and it was getting ridiculous.

Almost as ridiculous as being phoned early on a Saturday. It was a pretty good resentment for a Saturday. The regular grouse shuffles in.

And I sit at the bar and put bread in my maw and say man, what’re my hips doing here.

Anyway, Belt.

There is little that makes me happier than shopping for makeup, whether I’m at CVS or the fine cosmetic-y rows of Belt. I looked at Urban Decay, like I’m not three decades too old for it. I admired the makeup on the man who sells MAC. Finally, I headed over to Chanel for my let’s-face-it-dowager-our-fun-makeup-days-are-over $393949383 foundation.

But as I made my way, I felt a little click. All morning my leg had kind of been bothering me, but as I wandered Belt, looking at purses and shoes and decaying urban, the click got worse. It felt almost like if I just kicked my knee out straight like I was Flea or something, I’d get it back in place.

I’ll bet Flea still wears Urban Decay.

By the time I’d gotten approved for the loan and made the down payment on my foundation, I was limping out of Belt like Quasimodo, or even Genuinemodo. Oh my god, it was awful.

I’d been to my trainer Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday of last week. I musta knocked something out of place or something. I was loath to alert my trainer, even though she always says to alert her should something like this happen. But she’d just sent her daughter off to Africa, as you do, for a semester. Like, that day she’d sent her.

Because I am sensitive, I texted her anyway.

“Oh, no!” she wrote back immediately, ignoring her child’s goodbyes. Then she told me to do some stretches.

I went home and did them. Then?

RING!!!

Sunday morning. 8 a.m.

“How’s your knee?” asked my trainer, and that is when I killed everyone and now I am completely alone but at least I can sleep in on a goddamn weekend.

Love,
June

41 thoughts on “Striving for drama

  1. Susan says:

    “Jerry Lewis on Labor Day weekend” had me snort laughing at m’ desk at work

    Like

  2. Anonymous says:

    Surely I’m not the only one who sang “it’s a pretty good grouse for a Saturday.” Dead. Oh, and dont call me Shirley. Lovely post, Juan.

    CommandoBarbie

    Like

  3. Anonymous says:

    Lovely post, pretty June!

    Like

  4. lares15 says:

    My sleep is non-negotiable…even the cats know ” don’t disturb mama”. EVERYTHING is muted, turned off until after 2 cups of coffee.

    Like

  5. Wilma says:

    I like the outfit you have on in the pic w/ lily and the pom. I know that this has nothing to do with your post, but I thought I’d say it anyway. Makes me want to get a little sweater to go over a plaid shirt.

    Like

    1. June says:

      It’s actually all one piece. The plaid shirt is faux. #tricky

      Like

      1. Beth from the woods says:

        Agreed with the outfit. Good choice in 1 pc.

        Like

  6. yetanotherkelly says:

    I do not have to get up at any particular time, one of the benefits of a work-from-home job. So you’d think I’d be sleeping in until the decadent hour of 7:00am. Nope. I still wake up at 6:00am or earlier, no matter what day it is. Once in a while, I actually sleep until 6:30am. I know, right? What am I, a rock star? I want to sleep past 7:00am so badly but my body says “Yeah, no.” Of course, I usually lounge around in my robe until 8:00am but still.

    Like

  7. amarabray says:

    I so know what you mean with the knee and it feels like you just need to pop it back into place somehow. I guess I need to stretch more like your trainer told you. Your mom in the ice storm. Heh.

    Like

  8. dbinmd says:

    This whole post (except for your knee injury) was hilarious. Thanks, June.

    Like

  9. banne4 says:

    The ice storm cometh! OMG – I had almost forgotten about those! Funny – in MI i too always ventured out in them but now in Arizona, I stay home when it rains. Sigh.
    I slept in until 7:30 on Sunday and felt so guilty – Mr Marley needs out – Usually up at 6:30 but such a struggle in the winter! And like your mom says – When retired, or even semi-retired, (me) – it is often hard to remember what day it is!

    Love your post though!

    Like

  10. Justifiable homicide is right! My mother in law called me once at 8 am when I was pregnant with my first and past my due date. Wondered how I was feeling. Well, now that you woke me . . . Sleeping was tough. I was LIVID! What is wrong with people.

    The knee- yikes. Be careful. My knee started clicking and feeling like it was gonna go out from under me. Eventually it totally locked up. I am married to a physical therapist (who refuses to let me visit the other side of the mountain and see a doctor) and he said I probably tore a miniscus years ago but I tweaked it.

    It is still stiff but I finally am working out at high intensity level vs just riding the bike. Took almost 8 weeks to recover.

    I live in Chicago and I can totally envision your mom driving around while on the phone and being unfased by spinning out.

    Like

    1. June says:

      Oh, my knees are just awful. My trainer said we need to build up my quads in order to better support them, but also that one day I might need to have surgery on them. I remember my gramma rubbing her knees and I think I inherited it from her.

      Like

      1. Kara says:

        Your trainer is a smart gal! She also wants the people Juneland to know that the ring that came on Sunday morning was not a ring but a text tone… I did not call, I texted. You make me look worse than I am! And I’m pretty bad to start! 😏

        Like

        1. June says:

          Did you text? I can’t remember. I was in a deep sleep.

          Like

      2. Totally what my hubby PT is about. Strengthen the muscle groups around it. Not so much for a piece of severed miniscus floating around in there. He is opposed to senseless MRIs so I did not even get a kodak moment of mine. After weeks of hobbling around (OK days- I am not patient) I was like ‘FIX ME- I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOOD AT THIS SHIT!’ but he was all ‘Time, time.’ Ugh.

        Like

      3. dancer says:

        gurl. knees go fast. mine crackle and pop. chiro helps – which, was completely surprising to me but still – snap crackle pop. is it kind that you answered your mom’s call? or do you leave your ringer on? because for the love of God I NEVER have my ringer on. EVER. Happy to see lily enjoying her fame. Moo would have bloodied me and anyone who came withing a 50 foot radius.

        Like

  11. PJ who is rummaging for her flippers so she can go to the grocery store in this rain says:

    Great post and I hope you’re feeling better than you were last Thursday when you shared the sad post and so many people said to do something good for others and then you wrote that funny Friday post and i wondered if that was your way of doing something good for others, being us. If so, you have done it again.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. QueenStella says:

    “The regular grouse shuffles in.” I may live on that for the rest of my days.

    Like

  13. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    “Genuinemodo” killed me DED. I was already teetering after “shoot me like one of your french fries”. Your mind is a wonderful place to visit.

    I thought about you as I watched an excellent documentary about Rush this weekend. I know you would have loved it. Har.

    Thoughts and prayers for your current injury. No one suffers like you, June.

    Like

  14. Beth from the woods says:

    The description of your mom in MI weather was delightful. As was the photo shoot description plus photo and after party.
    I enjoy coming here for all the giggles and smiles. Thank you so much, Miss June.

    Like

  15. Maddie says:

    This post! How are you this funny and witty in the a.m.? If I were to quote all the funny bits I’d just cut and paste the whole darn thing. But got to say, your MIchigan Mom driving in the ice storm had me laughing so hard I scared the cats! Thank you for brightening my day!

    Like

  16. Jeanie Herkomer says:

    Every day is the same when you’re retired. Mother is correct, as usual.

    Also too, I hope your leg is better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. teesmithii says:

      Every day is Saturday.

      Like

  17. teesmithii says:

    Hilarious post. Belts. It’s Belks in my area. Never Belk. Lily is a charmer. I have a landline too, but we never answer it, we let our answering machine answer the calls from all the scammers, but for some unknown reason appointment reminders from our doctors still come to our landline and one friend calls that number. We turn our cell phones off at night, otherwise I hear all the notifications. Ping…ping…ping. I don’t sleep as it is, I don’t need something else to wake me just as I finally start to drift off to sleep.
    Tee

    Like

    1. yetanotherkelly says:

      You can always put your phone on Do Not Disturb instead of turning it off.

      Like

  18. Leanne in Greenville NC says:

    That Pom’s little footie!

    Like

  19. cherylk says:

    Namasfluffay – that is pure gold. I may have to look into that Chanel foundation. Now that I am 1000 years old I need something that will cover up without accentuating the wrinkles. The Cover Girl foundation I have used most of my life is no longer getting the job done. One more reason it sucks to get old.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Sadie says:

    Had I known about your knee, I would have called you in the wee wee hours of the morning to check on you.

    Love this post other than your knee problems. Your description of your mother driving on Michigan’s icy roads is classic June. Makes me glad that all this precipitation we are getting today is just rain. And her not knowing it was Saturday although your stepfather goes to philosophy club every Saturday was also golden.

    Lily and her fluffy new friend are adorable. Namasfluffay!

    Like

    1. Sadie says:

      I was just kidding about calling you since I would never do that, but wanted to say that you could then add me to your kill list if I did.

      Like

  21. Capelover says:

    We are probably the only household in our town with a landline which we take off the hook so no one can call until we are ready to receive callers. Cellphone stays off also. Those pesky warranty extenders and social security folks don’t stand a chance!

    Like

  22. Kerrin says:

    Well, at least you’ll get off for justifiable homicide.
    But also – that is why I have set the “Do Not Disturb” hours on my phone as 10PM – 10AM.

    Hope the knee clicks back into place SOON.

    Side story – one time, I got a dislocated index finger. I had some carpal tunnel-ish injury from using the horrible mouse on my work computer (and I was young too, this happened when I was, like, 25!) But the computer mouse was terrible, and it made my hand all wonky. Then one day, I went to open my car door and it just PULLED my finger out of joint. Oh, it hurt SO MUCH. I could move my finger, but it was excruciatingly painful.

    I ended up going to the ER, where the stupid PA told me there was nothing wrong with me, because I could move the finger (barely and not without terrible pain, but maybe I was just being kind of a wuss he thought?) So he just taped my index and middle fingers together (so I couldn’t flip him off, I think) and sent me on my way.

    My finger ached and hurt all weekend, then it started to turn kind of blueish, then my husband was teasing me for being a baby about the whole thing, and was trying to get me to laugh by tickling me and when I tried to spin away, he accidentally punched my hand. Well that popped my finger back into place and I screamed it hurt so much… for about 2 seconds, then all of the sudden my finger went back to its normal color and I could move it again.

    SO what I’m saying is, have your trainer punch you in the knee and see if that helps, I guess?

    Liked by 1 person

  23. My 8y/o decided to join hubby and I in bed at 6:42am on Saturday. And then proceeded to wiggle and smack/kick me a dozen times while she tried to get comfortable. I’m just waiting for when this early bird kid wants to sleep in, and I’m going to take such pleasure in annoying the snot out of her!

    Belt! lol! That’s all I’m calling it now.

    Like

    1. Anonymous says:

      You have about five years to wait. Once she’s a teen, getting her OUT of bed will be a miracle.

      Like

  24. Jan in MO says:

    This entire post is hilarious! I would be happy to be able to sleep until 8:00 AM.

    Like

  25. Laurie (Lucy's mom) says:

    Aww, June. Thank you for showing up every day.

    Like

  26. Koala Raspberry says:

    Belt. Dying! This whole post was hysterical. I was up at 2:40 AM for a pee break for me and the doggos. They didn’t bork even once. I watched part of a show on men with very large women taped from TLC, fell back to sleep with fifteen minutes left and slept until eight AM. Now I feel guilty. May next weekend be quiet.

    Like

  27. Door Color Expert Andrea says:

    She really just posed like royalty!

    “what are my hips doing here” is gold.

    Like

  28. Anonymous says:

    Genuinemodo!!

    Like

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