I went to the doctor yesterday for my ovarian cyst. Naturally, I was nervous AF, and when I told her all my woes, she got a concerned look that made me nervous AFker.
“I think we should do an ultrasound,” she said, which I was expecting all along and kind of thought would be a given. “We can schedule that for a few days or a week from now.”
“No,” I said. “We need to do it today. I’ve been living like this since October, and I’m sick of being scared and waiting for the next test.”
So we got me in at 3:00 yesterday, which means I had to leave the doctor, work for five hours, and go back in. I was nervous AF all day long.
I got to see everything they were ultrasounding on a big screen in front of me, which I imagine is really there for happy expectant mothers, because some people get excited about being pregnant, whereas I spent my entire fertile years fearing it the way I feared this test.
“Okay!” said the technician. “Go to the room and the doctor will be in in a second.”
It was more like 45 minutes, a time I felt nervous AF, did I mention? I tried doing all my panic attack exercises, and scrolling through my phone to distract self, but I kept Googling pictures of ovary ultrasounds. Did mine look like this? Or like this?
Finally my doctor strolled in. She made light small talk, so I figured this would be good news.
“Well, that big cyst is nothing. It’s completely benign,” she said.
Before I could even feel anything approaching relief, she continued.
“But now you have another cyst, a really small one, on the other side, and it’s got some, I don’t know, stuff in there that’s probably nothing. Your blood tests will assure us of that.”
I’d taken a blood test that I knew was to see if it was ovarian cancer. I knew this because of course I’d Googled it before I walked in there.
“Really,” she said, “I don’t want you to worry. It wasn’t there at your CT scan last month. It’s probably just a normal cyst.”
Before I could convince myself not to worry about that, she continued.
“Also, I want you to take a look at this,” she said, and brought over her laptop.
There’s something odd going on in my insides, and she wants to
it. “I really am not worried about it,” she said. “I just need to get my ducks in a row, and make sure it’s what I think it is, which is nothing.”
You know what I am now? I’m fucking furious, that’s what I am now.
STOP FUCKING FINDING THINGS.
First I have a UTI. Oh, you don’t have a UTI, but here, we found some blood in your urine. Better get that checked!
So I get it checked, after much fear and angst.
Oh, you don’t have bladder cancer, but here, we found this giant cyst. Better get that checked!
So I fret about that for ages till I can get it checked.
Oh, the cyst is fine, but here’s another worrisome cyst, and also, let’s biopsy that other weird thing!
I’m so fucking sick of feeling this scared. I’ve been scared for three months straight. I’ve been grinding my teeth and isolating and curling into a ball and I’m so tired of this.
is January 27. After that, as long as my blood test comes back okay today or tomorrow, we will remove my damn ovaries. At this point I just want to remove every organ that can get cancer. I will just be marrow walking around.
Can you get marrow cancer? They’ll probably find that next.