I’m am half-asleep writing this. You know that feeling you get when sometimes you just aren’t really able to wake up? And I don’t know why. I went to bed at my normal time. But I had a three-day weekend and maybe my body was all, Heyyyy. We never have to work again. We’re gonna sleep in from now on.
In fact, every day of my three-day weekend, I woke up at the same damn time I always do, between 6:30 and 7:00 a.m. And now I actually HAD to get up at that time and didn’t want to. At all.
This is riveting, June. My mouth is ajar from the riveting. This is like the OJ trial only on a blog. Tell us more about your sleep patterns.
I scrolled through my pictures so I’d shut up about how half-awake I am. Because I am half-awake, did I mention? Wait, there’s coffee. Okay, let’s see if that helps me become coherent.
We got out of work early Friday, so Jane West and I headed to Elegant Nail & Tan and got manicures. Everyone’s trying to keep my mind off my
next week. Which is very kind. The Poet even presented me with a list of distracting events to consider. So I took Jane West up on manicures,
I went with a bright blue and she got metallic blue because she’s an artist. Did you know Jane West was an artist? She’s been my coworker since aught 10 and I’m just telling you this? Really? Yeesch. She’s also the one to tell Anderson Cooper the kitten to
“DROP IT!” when he had one of the flowers from my Halloween costume she made me.
Anyway, then the next day,
The Poet and I and my roots went to Elegant Nail & Tan for pedicures. I got a dark gray and she got green.
“Ah, you back!” the pedicure lady said to me. I didn’t think she’d recognize me, but there it is. I’m recognizable, if only for how gray my roots are. I’m back to trying to grow them out. What say you?
Then on Saturday night, I headed to the brewery near me, because they had their Inebriated Spelling Bee. “Oh, you’ll be good at that,” people kept saying to me, and really I’m not that good of a speller. I look up a ton of words every day when I’m copy editing. I’m better at making your sentence sound better than I am finding the spelling errors automatically. So if I’m remotely in doubt, hello Merriam and your friend Webster.
Anyway, I was meeting The Other Copy Editor, and careful readers will note I already met with two other copy editors that weekend, basically plowing through half the copy edit staff. I got there before she did, though, and noted they were selling Girl Scout cookies at the door, and I also want to inform you I am already low on Girl Scout cookies three days later, and can’t help but think of how Ned used to eat
TIME and they’d last him for months. “Want a Girl Scout cookie?” he’d ask, and literally give me one solo Thin Mint. What the hell?
Anyway, I plowed through mine like I do copy editors and I hope to see another Girl Scout soon. They don’t come door to door anymore, do they? Now there’s this idea that everyone in the world will murder you. Even in this neighborhood the Girl Scouts would be safe. Granted, they wouldn’t make as many sales as they would had they brought Meth Scout cookies.
As I carried my boxes of cookies through the bar, I saw my neighbor, A. She’s the one who one of you wrote me about months ago. “I think someone in your neighborhood has an Instagram page,” one of you said. And sure enough, MyMillhouse on IG is about a house JUST LIKE MINE only it’s hers and she also just moved here as I did, except she’s, like, rewiring heaters and knocking down walls, whereas I’ve put up a couple your-gramma-in-the-’50s knicknacks and called it a day.
Anyway, we’ve gotten to know each other and I went to her Christmas open house and then ran into her at a New Year’s Eve party and then ran into her last night and at this point she wishes for a cloak of June invisibility. That said, I totally sat at the bar with her, her girlfriend, and their friends like I was a welcome addition.
Finally, TOCE got there and the spelling bee commenced.
There were 37 of us, and the two or three people in front of me were baffled by the word “hokum” and I was so excited cause I knew it, but then the asshole in front of me got it and I was presented with the word thermohaline.
Which I misspelled.
My neighbor misspelled her first word, too, so there were went, back to our barstools.
TOCE got her first word correct, so she went to round two, and here’s what happened next. One of my neighbor’s friends, see, she recently got a Weimaraner puppy, see, and I was busy looking at photos of that little gray bibbelty boo and wondering if I could shoot a cannon at Edsel and set off his heart condition to get a Weimaraner pup when
OHMYGOD, TOCE is in the final three!
“The Other Copy Editor is in the final three!” I screeched to my area, not my girl parts but the people I was sitting with. We all started to pay attention. In the final three, they just kept spelling words, and often all three would get them wrong.
I can’t recall what the final word was, but it might have been bougainvillea, which oh I just spelled right on my first try and you should have seen me up there with Weimaraner, when
SHE WON! SHE WON THE WHOLE DAMN INEBRIATED SPELLING BEE!
I never even dreamed we’d WIN, and now it’s a “we,” did you notice.
Someone even asked if she could have her picture taken with TOCE, half-winner, along with me, of the spelling bee.
So that was exciting and I was very happy to take the trophy home as the winner of the spelling bee.
The other exciting news is that Miss Doxie not only sent me 47 bottles of brass cleaner, she also sent me
the Dyson hair dryer! That’s how proud she was that I swept the whole spelling bee by myself. Dudes, that dryer has been my DREAM for YEARS and I don’t know how she knew that. Was I obnoxious enough to have that on my Amazon Wish List? Did I tell her one day when we were hashing over our hopes and dreams? Who knows? The point is, I couldn’t wait to wash m’hurr.
It dried so fast. I plan to watch a tutorial to get my curls even more defined than that.
Perhaps you’re wondering where the hell I went, all dressed up in m’leopard coat. Sunday was January 19, which is the 8th anniversary of when Ned and I started dating, and when we broke up four years ago, we said we’d always meet at the bar we first met at on our anniversary. Only one year since then was I too pissed off at him to go. That year, 2017, I think it was, we were not speaking, but he said he drove the parking lot to see if my car was there.
It was not.
Anyway, despite the fact we only had drinks the first year, this year I got a whole dinner out of the deal, and also, I feel like 8 years ago it didn’t bother me to sit at a barstool but this year I was kind of all, Why isn’t there any back support? God.
Then yesterday, I didn’t do much except enjoy how the light hits my little millhouse in the day, during hours that I’m rarely home.
So that sums up the long weekend, and now I have to shower and go to work and get back into the normal routine, which I actually prefer. Otherwise I’ll keep going around winning all spelling bees across the universe, making them not fun for anyone else.
Delusion you later,