Mmm-biop

I had my biopsy yesterday.

Let’s review my stupid health in case anyone missed my last poignant post on it. [Cue dramatic music.]

Okay. First, in late October, I started feeling like I have to pee all the time. I went to my regular doctor twice and the urgent care once, all to be told, “You don’t test positive for a UTI but here are various antibiotics anyway.”

They didn’t work. Convinced self I had bladder cancer. I mean super extra for real convinced self.

Then I went to a urologist, who said, “You probably don’t have bladder cancer. Here’s some old lady cream that will probably help. Also, avoid these foods and take these supplements.”

I started to do so, but in December I saw blood in my urine. Super extra supersized freaked out and died of bladder cancer IN MY MIND and didn’t tell anyone, but went to a second urologist, who gave me a CT scan and a rather unpleasant test for bladder cancer that I didn’t tell anyone I was having because I didn’t want to ruin Christmas.

Did not have bladder cancer. But, “We found a rather alarming ovarian cyst and you need to get that checked out right away with an OB-GYN.”

Immediately got ovarian cancer IN MY MIND.

And when I tell you I got these cancers in my mind, I mean I spent hours online, reading chat rooms and forums, sweating and weeping and carrying on.

Meanwhile, I had my scheduled mammogram, which if you’ve been here awhile you know is my annual week of fretting and anxiety and panic and this year it was but a blip. So. Silver lining. Got results of that same day and it’s good.

Back in ovary world, I had an ultrasound and a blood test, because while the ORIGINAL giant cyst looked fine, of course they found ANOTHER cyst they were suspicious of. It had a very sneaky expression and hung around dark alleys.

Bloodwork came back good. No ovarian cancer. “But we did see something weird in your uterus during the ultrasound. You need to come back and have a biopsy for endometrial cancer.”

That’s when I just started to get mad. Meanwhile, I still have days I have to pee all day. “I don’t think it’s gynecological,” said my OB-GYN, who is, you know, board certified and therefore probably right. “I think the old lady cream will work better the longer you use it,” she said.

Which means if I’d have just stuck with the first urologist I wouldn’t be going through any of this.

Between getting my bloodwork back and going in for this biopsy, I had my annual eye exam because of course I did. “We have a new machine now that tests for eye tumors. Are you interested in getting that test?”

I said yes, fully expecting I’d have to have an eye biopsy or something, but all was well other than my eyes got dramatically worse this year. If you are a contacts person, my prescription went from -5.25 to -7.00. Hello, darkness, my old friend.

So now that I’m Mary Ingalls and any minute now Ima meet Adam who will get his sight back and also ADAM NEVER EXISTED IN REAL LIFE and also I DON’T LIKE THE SHOWWWWW. NOT THE SHOWWWWW. Because they invent people like Adam and Albert with his opium addiction and it pissed me off.

Anyway.

So yesterday was the biopsy. I wasn’t as scared as you’d think, because the doctor has said it’s “probably normal” and that I “shouldn’t worry.” Which. I mean. That’s my hobby. So.

But really. And people were being very kind, offering to go with me and calling to check on me, which actually made me sort of more nervous, because then it seemed like a real biopsy and not a “probably normal” test I was just taking, no big deal. People called and texted with their worried voice and it made me anxious. Mostly I told people I didn’t wanna talk about it and tried to carry on and I drove there yesterday not all that terrified.

So when the doctor entered the room yesterday, the first thing I told her was they’d spelled my name wrong on the giant screen on the wall that was going to show me my innards, and to go ahead and send the bill to let’s say June Gardeens instead of June Gardens. Everyone here knows how they misspelled my name, including the bitch-ass who follows me on Instagram and then complains about me on Reddit and tells people my IG handle, which pokes fun at the oft-mistaken spelling of my last name.

To sum, you are a bitch-ass, person on Reddit.

Anyway.

“Did you take ibuprofen beforehand?” my doctor asked me, and that was the first I’d heard I ought to. “No,” I said, “as this is the first I’ve heard of it.”

They offered to get me some but I hadn’t eaten and didn’t want to feel bad.

First mistake.

Then we got ready, and why are OB-GYNs so interested in you scooching down? Scooching down is a big turn-on for every OB-GYN. They aren’t happy till you’re perched precariously at the edge of that table.

“We need a different speculum,” she said, and I imagined myself as Large Vadge Marge. The grand opening.

“Is it because I have enormous parts?” I asked, and everyone laughed. It was the last time any of us would laugh, ever.

By the way, when 29 people need to be in the room, perhaps you should be more nervous.

In fact, they needed a SMALLER speculum, so why don’t you run and tell THAT, Reddit bitch-ass, whose vadge serves as a rest stop for the Green Giant.

“Now we’re going to expand your cervix,” she said, and

OW.

OW!

Oh my god, OW!

Dude. I don’t know what they were doing down there, and I could have looked on the giant screen but didn’t want to, but all of a sudden that pain was a 10. Not a hard 8. Not I-can-handle-this-let-me-breathe. A 10. Oh my god.

I was literally writhing on the table.

“I’ll stop for a minute so you can gather yourself,” she said. To use an expression of my mother’s, she was as calm as a cucumber.

Mother FUCK. I tried to calm down, to become a cucumber, and we started again.

“STOP! Please stop! Are you almost done?” I asked.

She wasn’t.

“I can get a block,” said a nurse. And whatever a block was, yes, I wanted her to get it. Get a block. Get Jenny from the block. Get a blockade.

And guess what. Once I had “a block” it was fine. It HURT, but it hurt like a 7 or 8 and not an unbearable 10. Geez Louise. While I was lying there, I formed the thought, “Was this worth getting a Dyson dryer?”

A: Yes. Totally.

So the results will be in in a day or two, but she said, “I feel pretty good about this” and that’s reassuring. I felt crampy and traumatized all day but that was it. A little spotty.

In summary, I’ve had five tests for cancer since December. Once I’m in the clear for endometrial cancer, I can get my damn cysts out. Apparently when you’re my age you shouldn’t be having cysts and they really should get out. I’m the Amityville Horror house and my cysts are the Lutzes.

Oh, and I saw your votes on my Stitch Fix, and maybe I should tell them to go down a size. I’ve been working out with a trainer for a while now, and I think I weigh like five pounds less, but I might be smaller anyway. I agree I need fewer black and gray things.

I’m keeping the pants, though. I liked the pants. I like any pants you can just pull on. Which by the way, mom, does not count as elastic-waist jeans.

When I was young and cute my mother told me that when I was her age I’d opt for elastic-waist jeans and I said I never would and so far I never have.

We bet on it, but I can’t remember what age she said I’d be when I finally acquiesced, and I also can’t remember how much we bet.

But also too, I was in the back of the car once when my parents made a bet that by the time I was their age (27), there would be people living on the moon. My father said there would be. My mother said there wouldn’t. I once again don’t recall how much money they bet, but I know my father lost that bet.

Or did he…? [Cue mysterious music.]

XO,
June, who doesn’t want medical advice that begins, “You should really…” or “Your doctor doesn’t…” or really any medical advice at all. Or really any advice, ever. Okay, thanks. Glad we had this talk. Bye.

83 thoughts on “Mmm-biop

  1. Hi June, thank you for the update. That’s so much to have gone through. I did want to say that you looked adorable in those pants- loved the pattern.

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  2. I had an endometrial biopsy once. Hurt like a son of a bitch. A definite 10 on the pain scale. It didn’t last long but I hope I never need to go through that again. It is rather traumatic, which I forgot until I read your experience, and recalled the sudden, piercing pain, which for some reason they did not warn me about. No advice here, just positive thoughts and wishes for your outcome.
    Mother’s Best Friend

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  3. They should never be allowed to do that awful stuff without numbing you. I prefer being knocked out so I was delighted to have mine done with a D&C in the hospital. I hope you get your results ASAP. I’m sorry you had to endure that awful pain.

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  4. My comment says it didn’t post, so trying again here. I know how much cervical dilation hurts, having experienced both an olden-days abortion, and a miscarriage, both with zero sedation or painkillers.

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  5. Cervical dilation (natural or forced) hurts like fuck. I also know, due to an abortion in the old days with zero sedation or painkillers, and also a miscarriage with zero sedation or painkillers. Damn the cervix.

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  6. June, I’m just catching up on your last few posts – I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all this garbage. No way you should have had a cervical dilation without sedation!!! Having birthed 4 kids I know it’s crazy painful! I’m wishing/confident all is well but I know it’s hard not to worry. I recently was planning my funeral in my mind after a new, irregular shaped mole showed up on the sole of my foot. On the surface I felt it would be fine, but deep down I was worried. Good thing I discovered it was a blood blister before I got in to see my doc; that would have been embarrassing. “Was this worth getting a Dyson dryer?” A: Yes. Totally. made me laugh out loud. I’m so impressed that you can be so funny right through all this crap. btw is Miss Doxie the same Leigh that used to blog as Miss Doxie? I haven’t been able to find her on-line for a few years. Is she still blogging or are you two just cool blogger friends??!!

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  7. No advice but Jesus shouldn’t they have started with the block? Why do doctors do that, they know something’s going to hurt and it’s not like it really inconveniences them to use pain control. They should just start with PREVENTING YOUR PAIN. If a doctor put that in their ads I’d definitely choose them.

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  8. I had an endometrial biopsy a few years ago. Worst pain ever! I sat in my car and cried afterwards. It was traumatic!

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  9. Ouch. I felt your pain, I mean I really felt your pain. They had to stop the procedure for me so you are much braver than I. It felt as if I had an actual out of body experience right there. I had a very tipped uterus (what in the hell is a tipped uterus?) and they couldn’t do it so I ended up having a d&c and I got to sleep!

    I also don’t like how they added all those “extra” characters on Little House, Mary’s husband and an adopted son and the rest. Maybe I’m a purist? However, I really did love Nellie Olson and her bitch mom was a hoot!

    Hope all is well and you can focus on good stuff. 🙂

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  10. No medical advice. Just empathy — had this exact biopsy, speculum pain and all, just about a month ago. Jesus effin Christ, it was terrible, even when they have like a picture of a cute kitten on the ceiling for you to focus on. And then when it came time for the pinch, they sprayed numbing stuff on my cervix, which STUNG LIKE A BITCH So it just made everything worse really, but turns out, I have cervical dysplasia and it was really good to endure that nightmare to get to that result — so yes, while the process is awful, getting an answer with viable solutions in meds and treatment and such is a little bit of a silver lining. Commented here as to not overwhelm your FB post.

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  11. I am convinced that an endometrial biopsy is the most ridiculously barbaric test. Why can’t they put you in that twilight sleep like you get for a colonoscopy?

    I had one that went just like yours. Then, when I needed another one, I drank 4 shots of vodka and had a DD. The third time I protested so much the doctor said he would do a D & C. Finally, the last time I had a new doctor. She did a D & C and removed some polyps, which has been causing the suspicious spotting. Big sigh.

    You are a brave brave girl. Go and buy yourself something frivolous.

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  12. I nearly choked on my cottage cheese when I read “large vadge marge.” Why are you so hilarious in such a time of strife?

    I’m tempted to share personal experiences of epic pain, but I’ll resist that and tell you to take a warm bath with epsom salts and eat chocolate. Not necessarily at the same time.

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  13. Not only denied housing on the moon as of date ——>

    (tbh I have zilch desire to live on the moon. Why the moon obsession people?)
    we have medical horror stories like yours. Omg. The medical rollercoaster you’ve been on is like that movie where they pin the guy’s eyes open.

    All I remember about that movie is that scene and wanting to leave bc omg that scene & the trauma of that scene obliterated any forking meaning of the movie. Can’t even recall the title. Orange something?

    What I’m saying is, you are a forking badass & I’m so proud of you but sweet Betsy they’ve pinned your eyelids open for months now, without ibuprofen even…
    Has your original problem improved at all?

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  14. Many years ago, I had a colposcopy. Afterwards, I rolled into a ball in my back car seat and wept.
    My friend described it as a clip in the middle of her brain that exploded.
    No anesthesia or block for either of us.
    Bastards.
    So sorry for all of us.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. When I was pregnant with my middle kid, she was in breech position and my doctor wanted to see if we could turn her around so I wouldn’t have to have a C Section. My doc said it might be a little uncomfortable. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh dear lawd it was not “uncomfortable” it was MotherFarming painful!!! Why must they lie to us? WHY??????

    Glad you got that mess over with. I hope you are taking extra gentle special care of yourself today and for the next few days! You deserve it.

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    1. When will doctors take a clue from restaurants, tell me it will be a 45 minute wait and seat me in 20 so I think man, that wasn’t bad. Tell me it is going to hurt and let me be, oh, that wasn’t so bad. Such a better experience.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Oh, I am SO chiming in on the pain of anything dilating your cervix. A PINCH?! WTF.

    I hope they gave you some pain meds to take home with you. You should be resting today–all drugged up. If a man had this procedure they would knock him out and admit him to the hospital for observation. This double standard IRKS me so. Hope you feel better soon.

    Still standing in your doorway. xo

    Lovely post (and music), lovely June.

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  17. Sorry you’re going through this, as I can relate. I had a painful uterine cyst, and after several tests, the uterus came out. Then a large cyst was taken out of my breast, and a smaller one was drained. I don’t know why I have cysts and lipomas throughout my body. They’re a pain in the ass. I do know you’ll feel much better once it’s out.

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  18. That was just inexcusable to not give you a “block” in the first place for that procedure. Were they trying to save money?? Moms get a dang epidural for what amounts to the same thing (minus all of the anxiety you had to deal with). Also I can’t believe 5 cancer tests. Just one for me and I was planning my funeral. It’s awful.

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  19. Large Vadge Marge – oh my gosh did this make me laugh. I join everyone else in wondering what the doc was thinking in not telling you how painful that would be. I cone had a doc tell me that I should not be feeling much pain while having a sigmoidoscopy. Basically a scaled down version on a colonoscopy because they don’t make the turn. I was awake and the man had a hose up my ass. I so badly wanted to say, OK, when I’m done – you bend over and I will shove a garden hose up your ass and you tell me that it feels like nothing.

    Doctors.

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  20. Years ago I had an in-office uterine biopsy. I was fed the same just a pinch bullshit. WTF, medical people?!

    You’ve had quite the time of it the past few months. May this latest test be your last test.

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  21. Thanks for this update; I’ve wondered about you every day. It’s sad and traumatic what you have been through and I am deeply sorry. I would, of course , would never use the rude expression but I”m surprised no one on here has yet mentioned the bag of donkey parts which has been frequently referenced in life situations as vile as this. I just want it all to stop. For you and for everybody who is going through this painful medical version of musical chairs. Be well, dear June Gardens.

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  22. I nearly passed out after my endometrial biopsy. I was stoic during but afterward my body was all “That was BAD”. How is it legal to do those on people who are conscious?

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  23. I swear I could feel your pain. Barbaric procedure. I hope they get to the bottom of this soon, and all turns out well. I have the same feels as you when it comes to anything seeming abnormal for me. I’m SURE it’s cancer. Hence, the two meds for anxiety my doctor put me on.

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  24. I’m so glad the biopsy is over for you. WHAT IS WRONG WITH DOCTORS?!!! WHY do they tell us, it’s not going to hurt, or it’s only going to be a pinch. At least give us meds so we don’t care. That’s why I take Valium before I have dental work done, lately!!! It still hurts, but I didn’t care. I had a breast biopsy done by a male doctor, and a, I believe cone, biopsy done by a female doctor. I asked both if they had ever had that done…well NO. How did they know how it feels? This just makes me furious.

    I wear elastic jeans. They are wonderful. I am old. I bet (see what I just did) your mom remembers the age and amount.

    Treat yourself to some of that chocolate.

    Tee

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Oh my word with the doctors not preparing you! I got an iud once and there was an emergency so someone different had to insert it. She apparently prescribes a medicine that my nurse doesn’t prescribe. When they asked if I’d had the medicine, I got nervous since I hadn’t. She used a numbing spray that felt like fire, but based on your experience, it definitely lessened the pain, which was still bad.
    I hope that is the end of your cancer tests!

    I liked the pants! And the gray sweater, but maybe in a smaller size. Thanks for letting us vote on stitch fix! It’s fun!

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  26. Last year I went to the doctor for my yearly slime-and-grope, and I mentioned that I had this persistent, but really minor pain in the area of my right ovary. Truly not a big pain. Like, every so often I’d do a pain roll call and it would look up from some mild pinching to say “here!”
    Doctor said we should probably check in on the ovary with ultrasound. Whatever. Fine.
    Cue all the certainty that I am about to die of ovarian cancer. Then after the ultrasound I got a message saying, “please call us.”
    Everyone knows that message is like a Hallmark card that reads “Sorry, you’re going to die.”
    Turns out my ovary is fine, but there were some GIANT POLYPS in my uterus. Like, giant is the actual medical term. Seems a little excitable for something that’s about 20 mm, but okay.
    So I got to have surgery and a biopsy (doing that biopsy on you without medication is seventeen different kinds of fucked up, by the way), and everything is fine.
    What have we learned here? Don’t talk to doctors. We thought it was strangers, but no. Doctor danger.

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  27. All of this sounds traumatically horrible. I had anxiety reading this. Once the cysts are gone, will you go back to your regular feeling like you have to pee only when you have to pee? Because that sensation is awful to have all the time. Like I need to tell you that.

    Feel better, Joob!

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  28. Ack. You’ve been through the private parts wringer.
    Hope everything turns out OK on the other side.
    I’ve also experienced that pain during a procedure, with a doctor in training.
    I don’t know what he was digging for but he didn’t appear to know what he was doing. He had to ask another doctor to take over, thank G.
    All ended well but I’ll never forget that pain either.
    Enjoy your comfy fancy pants.

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  29. First, I literally laughed out loud (LedOL?) at the title of this post. Also, I got a new pair of elastic waist dress pants from J Jill in the mail yesterday and I am wearing them at work. They are stretchy and soft. And I want them in 34 colors and patterns so I never have to wear anything else. Hope you are less achy today.

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  30. I liked the pants – good choice! Hope this is the last round of stupid medical tests you have for a long time!

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  31. I’ve had that biopsy and it does hurt like hell. I took pain meds before going and it still hurt. I didn’t get offered a block. That makes me mad that they don’t just do that automatically. Why make you suffer?

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  32. Oh I know that pain. Woo doggies. I am very stoic but that test was a test to my stoicism. I’m glad it is over and worry you have had to suffer with this so long.

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  33. I had an abnormal pap and had to have a LEEP procedure which is getting the end of my cervix cut off. I even saw it as it left the room.

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  34. OW! I’m hurting in sympathy pain for you. Glad that is over and like others said, hope you reward yourself with something you truly enjoy. So sorry for the months of agony and worry.

    On a lighter note, I thought the Stitch Fix pants looked cute on you.

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  35. I feel for you, deeply. I had one of those biopsies once and was told it would feel like a pinch. A PINCH MY ASS! That was the most pain I have ever felt. It was so bad that I started having panic attacks for weeks afterward whenever it came to mind. At least the results were negative.

    Glad you’re keeping the pants. They’re pricey, but looked really good on you.

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    1. I was told it would be a pinch too!!! Liar, liar pants on fire. Afterwards I asked the doctor if she had ever had that procedure, she replied, “no.” I told her it was a LOT more than a pinch.
      TEE

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    2. The pinch description is infuriating. Once, I was told I’d feel a pinch when in reality, they were grabbing my cervix with this pointy pronged device that actually PIERCES the cervix when it clamps shut. That is not a pinch!

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  36. Glad your test is over! I like the dramatic music. Elastic waist pants are the bomb dot com. The stores have work pants with elastic waists and I’m officially all over them. I’m apparently comfort-over-fashion years old.

    Liked by 1 person

  37. I hope you soothed yourself yesterday with your favorite things. For me it would have been Taco Bell, a sweet tea, my favorite blanket and my favorite chair. I hope you’re feeling better today.

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  38. Good God I love me some elastic waist pants! Jeans are so hard to find because they make them for 17 yr old skinny girls and the buttons barely cover your hoo ha. I am NOT 17, hell I don’t even remember being 17, so these pants do not work for me.
    On another note you should liver slap that Dr for not telling you about the procedure. I know I used the reviled “you should” phrase but seriously, that Dr deserves to be slapped. Feel better June.

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  39. I had what was basically a biopsy of my cervix because of an abnormal pap. The nurse (traitorous heifer) assured me that it wouldn’t hurt because “there are no nerves there”. Lying lying liars!!!!! I think I bit through my lip to keep from screaming. I can’t imagine going deeper. My sympathies.

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    1. As someone who didn’t have time to get an epidural with one of her kids, that traitorous heifer is LYING HER TRAITOROUS ASS OFF.

      June, feel better. Take drugs. Lots.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I asked both doctors who told me it wouldn’t hurt if they’d ever had the procedure done and they both, surprisingly, said no. (One was a man.) So I told them both to fuck off with their no hurts and to call me after they had their innards scraped.

      June, I’m glad your vadge will be reported marvelous and tiny soon.

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  40. Hoping all is good and there is an alternative to any type of removal of anything.

    I too adore pull-on pants. I bought some great dressy type slacks (my grandmother called them slacks and would not wear them) that pull on no zippers but look super nice. Jeans though must have zippers.

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  41. The uterus now? Last I heard it was the ovaries. I need to find another card.

    Also, OUCH. WTF? And they thought a pre-game ibuprofen was going to help? Pffft.

    Liked by 3 people

  42. I had a cyst removed from my breastical area recently and the “surgeon” totally downplayed the pain. It was super infected and she had to drain it and oh my, I thought I was gonna puke or pass out from the pain. She totally undersold the drama for both the drainage and removal. It has been 3 weeks since I had it removed and it still hurts!

    On a different note did anyone watch the Circle on Netflix? I. WAS. OBSESSED!

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    1. Omg! You’ve been through it the last couple of months! I’ve got my first physical in five years coming up and I dread the idea of having to keep going back. Oh and then the mammogram in March. I have a $3,000 deductible on my insurance so that will be fun.

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  43. No advice from me. I neglected to go to college to get that medical degree, sooooo…

    However, I’ll be 60 next year and have never worn elastic waist jeans, so there you go. Unless you count the 6 years I spent being pregnant or recovering from being pregnant. And by “recovering” I mean finally accepting that I just needed to size up and I’d be find in real pants.

    Love you June. Maybe a Dyson up your nethers would have hurt less.

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  44. Ok, no advice but I CAN’T BELIEVE they didn’t tell you this was gonna hurt like a motherfucker. You basically just experienced cervical dilation, which is what happens when you have a baby. I would be in the hate everything club over this because I just feel doctors should over-explain everything and they tend to do just the opposite.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s what I was thinking!! Mother of three kids here with no epidurals (too fast labor) so I freaking KNOW that crap hurts.

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    1. I could never keep something like that to myself just to keep from ruining Christmas. If I’m suffering, so is everyone else!

      That Reddit chick is definitely a bitch ass.

      And this post was funny and I’m sorry for signing at your pain.

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