I still don’t have the results of my biopsy yet, and it’s been all I can do to not think about it, so what I’m enjoying are the near-constant “Any news?” queries. That’s helping. Yep.

Fortunately, there was a lot of work to do at work yesterday and also I had a hair appointment right after, which was going to keep me occupied for several hours and yay.

Except I didn’t go.

I went home at lunch, as I am wont to do. I always come home to let Edsel out, who by the way almost never really wants to go out, but since I make a point of coming home to let him out instead of bonding with my coworkers over hummus or whatever they do at lunch, I force him to go out, which if you think about it is all ridiculous.

It’s like how Oreos makes Cookies-and-Creme flavor Oreos.

Anyway, what I usually do is throw Blu for Edsel during lunch, which means then he actually wants to go out, and at some point in his fetching he stops, with Blu in his mouth, and lifts his leg on a tree and then I feel vindicated for coming home to let him out to pee.

Oreo-flavored Oreos.

But yesterday when I opened the back door to play with Eds, there was blood all over the steps. A lot of it. It had grass in it.

Iris has been disinterested in eating the last two days, and I figured it was cause I’d refrigerated her food. I was in some sort of online discussion somewhere about cats, and this is the sadness that is my life. In said chat, someone asked, “What and how much do you feed your cat?” and I realized I feed mine a lot more than other people. I was giving each cat a can in the morning and a can at night and then kibble all day.

Lily is too fat to jump on the dryer to eat, so I wasn’t worried she’d overeat, but in another Oreo-flavored Oreo moment, right then I knew she was fat because I gave her too damn much food when I hefted her up to her dining dryer. Cafe du Kenmore.

So now I’m giving them half a can each per day.

Iris gets special $97-a-can food for her irritable bowel/stomach cancer (they aren’t sure which it is and the only way to tell is, wait for it

a biopsy).

I started giving her just half a can, then refrigerating the remainder and then because you know how I am, the next meal I’d open another can and say, OH GODDAMMIT and then put half of THAT in the fridge, so mealtime after mealtime, Iris was getting chilled food.

I even heated it in the microwave a bit and she wasn’t interested. “She really hates chilled food,” I told myself.

And because I’m distracted or living in denial, I wasn’t concerned. Until I saw the blood on the steps.

Because yesterday morning, after she didn’t eat, she wanted out, which is not like her anymore. Iris rarely asks to go out, and if she does she just hangs on the patio. And sure enough, after a few minutes yesterday morning, she wanted back in. Milhous was in as well, splayed across my bed like he was sleeping it off.

So that’s why I knew, when I saw the blood on the stairs at lunch, that Iris had thrown up blood.

And here’s what I did. I just went numb. It’s like I have a candy coating right now, but one of those bad candy coatings, like Spree.

I’m no longer scared of the biopsy phone call. And I haven’t cried about Iris. I haven’t done anything but sort of robotically do what I have to do.

The vet’s office was at lunch, natch, but to their credit the vet herself called me right after lunch. I like that place. The Cat Clinic on Battleground, if you’re local. Miss Jackson, if you’re nasty.

They told me to bring her in at 4:00 and I thought, Oh no.

Since August, I’ve been nothing but car accidents and mysterious illnesses. My calendar at work has stickers at the back of it that you can use to remind yourself of eye appointments, birthdays, etc., because God forbid you just write them down there. The point is my January is covered in




stickers already.

“I’m afraid to tell [Boss] that I have to go to the vet at 4:00,” I told Wedding Alex.

As soon as I said that, Boss walked by. I told her what was up. “I know I’ve been nothing but emergencies for months,” I began.

“I don’t think you’ve taken enough time off, with all the things you have going on,” she said.

I have the good kind of boss.

So at 3:30 I robotically went home, got poor Iris in the carrier, and took her to the vet. They pressed on her stomach, and

“MEOW!” she screeched. She did that several more times as they pressed other places. She’s usually so quiet. They could tell she’s bloated, too. They took her in for an x-ray.

When they were gone I sat there like an animatron that was out of batteries. I got a text.

“Any news on your biopsy?”

I ignored it.

They don’t see a mass in her stomach, which is good, but the lab tests will tell us more. I wonder if the same lab that’s looking at my girl’s blood is also looking at my uterus? I wonder if her blood and my uterus are all, Heyyy! What’re YOU doing here?

So that was $560 I hadn’t planned to spend, two days before payday, which means I had to fricken charge it and I’d had my cards at zero point zero, and was just thinking, Oooo, I can have savings again this pay period!


My theory is her blood work will come back fine, and I still won’t know for sure what’s wrong with her. She’s on pain medicine and an anti-nausea drop, but she wouldn’t eat again today. Eventually I got her to nibble at a few pieces of the other cats’ food, which she isn’t supposed to have but she hasn’t eaten now in 48 hours at least. So.

Every time she sees me she runs away from me, with her fluffy trousers wisping, because she thinks Ima give her medicine. This is not how I want things to end with Iris.

That about sums it up and I’m certain you’re glad you came to this funny, funny blog today.


80 thoughts on “Cookies-and-creme Oreos

  1. GreenInOC says:

    Oh, June I’m so sorry. Iris is a gem and my favorite cat! I feel comfortable typing that because as far as I know, my cat can’t read. What a great vet and an amazing boss, what humanity and empathy – made me cry. Iris is such a smart, lovable, sweet killing machine. She’s brought so much joy to strangers on the internet so I can’t even begin to imagine to immeasurable joy she has brought you thus far.


  2. tommi from toronto says:

    i’m sorry things have been so hard and hope they are better soon

    maybe people wouldn’t bug you about stuff if you told fewer people


    1. June says:

      I told nobody about the first two months and everyone said, Don’t suffer alone. So.



      1. Anonymous says:

        Don’t listen to Tommi, that was a dumb thing to say.


  3. Kymberly says:

    Prayer sent for comfort and awesome news all around.


  4. Megsie says:

    I am praying with the rest. And, of course, standing in your doorway. This just sucks.

    Lovely post, lovely June.


  5. Another Unruly-Haired Person says:

    So sorry about Iris. 😦 She’s been through a lot. (So have you.) But she has had a happy, loving home with you throughout.
    Good luck and hang in there.


  6. Your mother’s neighbor says:

    Oh, I am so, so sorry, June. About sweet Iris and about you, too. Waiting and not knowing is so hard. Hard, too, to be strong for yourself AND Iris. Thinking of you both and praying for good outcomes all around.


  7. Laurie (Lucy's mom) says:

    I am sorry, June. I want to see Iris (and everyone else) well.

    Laurie in NB, Canada


  8. Linda .. the Aussie one says:

    Waiting is the worst! I know this from experience!! Sending positive vibes from Australia for good results for both of you girls.


  9. Karen in NTX says:

    Sending the best thoughts for you and your girl!


  10. Katy Kazoo says:

    Oh, June. I want to cry.


  11. Carol in Mpls says:

    Just want to say I appreciate your sharing these pieces of your life, as it hits many of us as well. From my grey girl, Cora, to your grey girl, Iris, nothing but healing wishes for everyone in the house.


  12. Barb in CA says:

    No wise words to share other than what everyone else has already sent – standing in your doorway, sending good thoughts and prayers to you & sweet Iris. The tide will shift soon, we’re all rooting for you & your furry friends. We all look forward to your nonblog, both the hilarious and hard parts of your life that you share, ups and downs all included. We lost our 13 1/2 year old sweet dog Max 20 days ago, and while I still cry about it at some point (like right now) every day, I think of you and everyone in the June Gardens family and how supportive & encouraging we all are of each other’s lives and especially our pets and it makes me feel better. So thank you and everyone for that, it’s one of the highlights of my day.


    1. Beth from the woods says:

      Dear Barb, So sorry for you loss.


  13. demeterrella says:

    Sending thoughts and prayers for you and Iris.

    I think the words Tip Jar should be in a bigger font.
    In case anyone is wondering, it’s really easy to use the tip jar.
    Give it a try.


  14. LisaPie says:

    Poor little Iris. I am crossing all my fingers, legs and eyes that both of you get all clear reports


  15. Door Color Expert Andrea says:

    There was one sentence in there that affirms for me that you are the very best pet person: “This is not how I want things to end with Iris.” Because you care more about her than how you’ll feel when she’s gone. I feel like there are a lot of your Pie peeps that feel that way, but not many people in the world who do.

    I am just outright straight up no joke praying for June and Iris and Eds of course.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Kris in TN says:

    I have nothing to say that hasn’t already been said, but wanted you to know there is someone else thinking about you and Iris today.


  17. Braden W Daniels says:

    Oreo Cookies and Cream ice cream in a 1.67342 quart container instead of a damn half gallon. That mean I’m getting .32658 quarts less which roughly comes to 62 teaspoons…I’m being jipped 62 bites! And yet…the price continues to rise! (Just thought I’d give you something to think about besides your poor cat.) That’s all I got…hope it helped. 🙂


  18. bamacarol says:

    From another person who prays (Hi, Tee). Sending prayers and good vibes for you and Iris especially and for understanding from Lily, Milz and Edsel. At least I know Edsel will be sympathetic. Hoping you get good reports for you and Iris today.


  19. Tracey says:

    I’m so sorry that Iris is ailing and that you are too. Hoping for good news for both of you.


  20. Leanne in Greenville NC says:

    I’m glad you have a good bet that gets animals I quickly. Hoping all will be well for both of you.


    1. Leanne in Greenville NC says:

      I meant vet.


  21. Maddie says:

    Oh my forking forks!
    What do we have to smudge to get you a break?
    I am so sorry your endless string of omfg sad carp is continuing. Praying for your sweet kitty and you. Also your boss is *awesome*!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Tammy says:

    Oh man, dealing with mystery illnesses in pets sucks. I hope she just has a minor stomach irritation that can be solved with a Zantac or something. Sending positive thoughts your way.


  23. Joan in NV says:

    Pinning on my wispy nether regions support ribbon. Chin up.


  24. Jan says:

    Standing in your doorway.


  25. Jan says:

    In your doorway.


  26. Elizabeth says:

    I’m so sorry you’re going through it right now, June. I’ll be thinking about you and Iris.


  27. Capelover says:

    Thinking of you and Iris today and sending good vibes your way. Wishing the very best for you two.


  28. MissPam says:

    You are living a hard knocks life. Hard. Knocks.


  29. Dancer says:

    You have had a string of not so stellar months. Im sorry about that. Healing to the both of you.


  30. Sadie says:

    Poor Iris. That is not the distraction you needed. Standing in the doorway for you and your beloved pet family.


  31. teesmithii says:

    I pray, I know you are shocked. Praying for you and Iris for good reports. Aging is tough and life is often hard, at any age. It helps when we have friends, in real life and those of us who are on the interwebs, to walk along side us during rough times. You have both. Your boss sounds like a real jewel. Is that the same person that alerted you to The Poet refilling the candy dish with chocolate?


  32. Just Paula H&B says:

    GodDAMNit. AGAIN my comment sat here for hours after I, supposedly, “posted.”


  33. Just Paula H&B says:

    Poor Iris. Poor June. Sending good thoughts.


  34. Ruth says:

    Poor Iris. All we can do is be worried and sad with you. And broke. Having pets has become a rich people thing.

    Liked by 2 people

  35. stacey avelar says:

    I hope you have answers soon, I’ve never met anyone that likes wondering what the heck is going on. May your day be full of sparkly distractions and the news from all the medicos good..


  36. Jeanie Herkomer says:

    Oh, June.


  37. Nancy says:

    Screw funny. We care about you, Iris and everyone else in your life. Funny is just one part of what makes you wonderful.

    Standing in the doorway with everyone else,


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Kerrin says:

      I ditto what Nancy says.


  38. banne4 says:

    June – I am holding my breath and praying your baby is ok. I too have a sicky cat baby this am and have been dealing with all kinds of weird health issues since August as well as worrying about my little family members that have issues too. Maybe it is as Pal from MA said – the moon and venus… Just hang on – sending prayers. It will be ok!
    You are still such fun to read… every day!


  39. Pal from MA says:

    I am just so sorry about all of this crap you are dealing with. I blame Venus and the moon.


  40. Arli says:

    Ugh. Hoping you get good news all around.


  41. PJ says:

    Sometimes going numb and mechanical for a while is what works. This is a hard time and I’m sorry. Everybody gets a turn at rough things but you seem to be getting several turns all at once. I hope you draw a “skip a turn” card soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Anonymous says:

      What a lovely sentiment. PJ, you have a lovely way of making heartfelt expressions that are quick & simple. It’s a gift you’ve got!


  42. M says:

    We heart you June and your sweet pet family.


  43. Geeky Girl with Glasses says:

    Poor Iris!! I hope it’s nothing serious and she feels better soon. Same goes for you, June.

    So…how much are you supposed to feed a cat? Because my orange Tabby is a rather husky boy who wants food CONSTANTLY. He meows all the friggin time for more food, even when he has food in his bowl (he’s rather fussy and needs to be escorted to his bowl AND he wants his food “fluffed” before he’ll eat it). I’m afraid I’m feeding him too much but if I cut back, he’ll just MEOWMEOWMEOW at us until we give in. We probably give him a cup of dry kibble total. Any thoughts on this? (with my last cat, a beautiful calico, I could fill up her bowl in the morning and she would just snack on it all day – one bowl would last alllllll day long. Not HuskyJeans over here, he devours it at once and then wants more asap – which I totally identify with but whatever).


    1. Maddie says:

      Replying to Geeky Girl with Glasses:
      Diff foods have diff nutritional content so your best bet is to feed the amount indicated on the food label. The really high quality foods are nutrient dense & you don’t feed as much. But what I really came here to say was if your cat’s appetite is behavioral (and not like medical tapeworm stuff) then consider buying a food toy for your cat if you feed dry kibble. We have a boy kitty also obsessed with food and the 2 food toys (both are stationary / don’t roll around – if anyone cares I can locate brand & item names) are best thing ever. Boy kitty loves the challenge, it slows his eating (so he is healthier/not so fat), and our other cats like the toys as well. I feel bad replying here with the awful stuff going on in June’s life but she has such a big heart, I’m hoping she will understand. Seriously these 2 food toys have saved everyone’s sanity & improved boy kitty’s health. (*also our cats also demand wet food be fluffed so your kitty has company… demanding and likewise beloved company) Hope my blathering has been helpful.

      Liked by 1 person

  44. Sorry this is happening. Quite a heap of shit for you of late.

    ‘Miss Jackson if you’re nasty’ – awesome. No matter what’s happening you never fail to entertain.

    Glad the vet called you right away.


  45. susanhenschen says:

    Poor Iris!! So sorry.


  46. Kim says:

    I don’t just come for the funny. I hope the support helps as you are going through all of this crap. I know that numb feeling too. I have only felt it once in my life. I feel so invested in your pets welfare. I hope she will be okay. She is a good egg.


  47. Georgia says:

    I’m glad I came. Because you’re not JUST funny. You’re honest and real and I love how you adore your animals.

    Everything you write is wonderful—you don’t have to be funny all the time. Thank you for sharing. My best to iris.


  48. Barbara says:

    Thinking of you and Iris. Take care.


  49. Meg in CO says:

    Life can really suck at times…this is one of those times. Sorry and pats for Iris.


  50. Anonymous says:

    This sucks. I hope you’re both regenerating on the couch together soon. You’re still funny, it’s just that life isn’t sometimes and you’ve had a lot of that in the first month of the year alone. No advice, just positive vibes for you and the crew.


  51. Standing in your doorway, thinking of you and Iris. I’m so glad you have the right kind of boss.


  52. CarolineLonghorn says:

    You are still funny, Miss Jackson! Sending good warm thoughts from cold Texas.


  53. Texas Kari says:

    June, I’m sorry for the crappyness (crappiness? Idk), but you will get through it. Soon you’ll have results for the both of you, and you can proceed with whatever is ahead.
    I’ve been through rough patches, too, and your blog and the folks here helped me more than you’ll ever know. It would be my pleasure to return favor.

    Liked by 1 person

  54. Beth from the woods gloomy day here says:

    We come here for YOU. If this is your life we want to be here . You share, we care.
    June=funny , but everyone has things happen as well, it is good for you to know you aren’t alone and good for us not to feel alone. We find we aren’t the only one going through these types of things. Life.
    There are folks that read you that will pray for you and yours.

    Liked by 1 person

  55. Bettydh says:

    Hope all turns out well for you and Iris. Sending good vibes and a tip.


  56. Persephone says:

    Standing in your doorway, hoping you have good news soon. That is all.


  57. Koala Raspberry says:

    I’m sorry you have even more stress and drama to deal with. Poor Iris! I hope it is nothing serious too, along with your biopsy. What a week!
    Get the Mega stuff oreos. THOSE are the bomb. No, my ample diabetic azz didn’t need them but my tastebuds and my soul did. Huge YUM.


  58. LaUral, who loves your boss says:

    Not a ding and dang thing I can say to make you feel any better – and I hate that – but I’m keeping Iris (and you, too) in my constant thoughts.

    Hang in there, Coot.


  59. cherylk says:

    Well that just sucks for you and Iris. I’m hoping for the best outcome for both of you. And here is a note for Gretchen – heating cat food in the microwave does sound pretty nasty but it is not the worst thing. I had a cat once who peed on the stove. Of course I didn’t notice it and turned on the stove. Cooked cat piss is THE WORST!


    1. Texas Kari says:

      I would need a new house altogether.


    2. Gretchen says:

      Yes, I do believe that would be worse.


    3. teesmithii says:



  60. Anonymous says:

    My mother was very fond of the adage, “when it rains, it pours.” I think her using it so often made me hate that particular maxim. But, I guess I am becoming more like my mother every day because as I was reading the non-blog today, that very saying ran through my head. As your true fan and somebody that cares about you but has never met you, I genuinely hope that all these troubling issues work out to the best situation for each scenario. I also hope that bitch on Reddit gets a nasty case of food poisoning. (that she recovers from.)


  61. gladyswhoisalsobee says:

    I’m sorry Coot. As my mother would say, you have had a ration of shit served on a crap platter. (I know. So many questions.)

    All I can say is we are here for you. Come kvetch all you want and if you need all 42gazillion of us to come sit with you we can round up the troops.
    Stay golden Ponyboy.


  62. Sasha says:

    I’m really sorry, June. This all sucks.


  63. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    Poor Iris. Poor June. You did not need one more thing. I will be praying for good news for both of you girls.

    And none of us needed cookie flavored cookies.


    1. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

      Also too koodles to your boss for being a human being. That’s rare in the world of bosses, it seems.


  64. Pat Birnie says:

    No way do you have to apologize foe this blog! You have continued to make us laugh out loud through all your scary months. Poor Iris – I hope she’s ok and the two of you are doing a happy dance in a very short time. Ps sounds like you have a wonderful understanding & kind boss. Small gratitudes….


  65. itsmistybitch says:

    Oh, June. I dont know anything to say to make you feel better but all my fuzzy assholes (cats, dog, pig, boyfriend) and I send our love.


  66. Lora says:

    I’m sorry you’re in a tough season of life right now. I hope Iris will be ok, and your uterus, too. Thankful you share life with us strangers. Ensures us we all have tough seasons and we are not alone

    Liked by 1 person

  67. Anonymous says:

    We get that even for June Gardens it’s not all rainbows and unicorns all the time. Fingers crossed that it’s nothing serious with Iris (and you).



  68. Gretchen Meyer says:

    Hope Iris perks up, you never know with cats. One of ours is sick with the upper respiratory stuff and he is so sick, and I’m trying to get food and pills in him, and steaming him in the bathroom, and I know it just sucks. And on top of it all, heating cat food in the microwave is just about the nastiest thing ever. Hope things get better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  69. Sandra says:

    I am so sorry ! I hope she gets better. It’s just been so much for you these past months.


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