Did you ever see that one time Joe Namath was drunk on TV and that reporter was trying to interview him and she was pretty and all, so Joe Namath kept leaning into her space and said, “I just want to kiss you” and I think he got in trouble but really how much trouble did he get into because athletes can do anything including jumping out at their ex-wives in the dark and turning their necks into Pez dispensers, so.

Did you see that, ever? About Joe Namath?

Well, it happened, trust me, and that’s how I feel every time Milhous is running around here being cute. Because, unlike the rest of us up in this bitch, Milhous is in his prime, and he’s forever batting at the water as it comes out of the pipe, or chasing a bottle top like it’s interesting, and I’m just so charmed by his beige self that I find myself lurching after him saying, “Come here. I just want to kiss you.”

And like the pretty woman interviewing Joe Namath, the answer is no.

Anyway, I got my answer from my doctor and am now officially annoyed with doctor. Because remember how I went there for an ovarian cyst, and she was all, “That big one is fine, but there’s a new little one that’s probably okay but I want to test your blood for cancer.”

Remember how she said that and scared the shit right out of me?

So I got a blood test (it’s called a CA-125) and it came back fine. I scored a 5. If you score anything above a 38, you’re in big trouble, mister. But I didn’t. They exclaimed over how low my score was. So thanks for scaring me.

Then she said, Oh and in that ultrasound to check out your ovaries, we saw a little fluid, just a trace, up there in your uterus. We want to biopsy it for cancer.

And it scared the shit right out of me. Right the hell out of me the shit went, with a little shit bag and a little shit song about hitting the shit road.

So I had the enormously painful test that scared me, and then the doctor’s office, who when you call and get the recording talks about all that compassion for women, that compassion for women office did not call me with results. “It’ll be back in one day,” they said. Three days later I’d heard bupkis. Oh, take your time. I can think about lots of other things.

So finally yesterday I called because I was tired of hanging out on tenterhooks, and they were all, “She said to tell you we found mucus and blood, but no cancer.”

See. Has she MET me?

“Well, what does that mean?”

“It’s fine.”

“So, you told me about finding mucus and blood but that’s fine?”

“Yes.”

THEN WHY TELL ME. If it’s fine, why tell me? Why do I need to know that? Don’t tell me anything except, It all looks good, June. Give me that one rush of relief after three-plus months of fear, COULD you?

God.

I feel like I was told that to say, see. We really did see fluid up in there. It was like, We were right.

I AM A SCARED PERSON. Stick to “things are good” or “things are bad.” Don’t muddy the waters. Don’t muck the fluid.

The good news is, I’m fine. Other than being riddled with fluids I don’t understand.

Meanwhile, I also called to follow up about Iris, who I’m sure I’ve mentioned hate hate hates taking medicine with the white-hot heat of a thousand suns. I think because she’s blind and has no clue why her formerly nice owner is now shoving something bitter into her gullet.

If you’ve never pilled a cat, imagine a very jumpy angry collection of 20 pointy razor blades six inches from your face being fussy while you have to GET IN THE THROAT OF IT.

Anyway.

All her tests look good except for the test for pancreatitis, which isn’t back yet. And of course that’s the one we want, because that sort of tells us, Oh, it’s just pancreatitis and not

THE

CANCER.

So we wait. Iris finally ate last night and this morning, as she has been on the anti-nausea pills that I have shoved into her angry blind face several times now. She mostly wants to eat the other cats’ canned food, and at this point I say fine. Just eat something.

The other news is oh my god I slept like the dead last night. So hard, I slept. Good gravy. I was gonna throw caution to the wind and have a split of celebratory Prosecco after work, but something was up at the Ghetto Lion and there were lines out the door like we have here when it’s gonna snow and I got annoyed and left and had water instead. Wooo! Celebrate good times, come on!

I’d probably just have a migraine today anyway had I had Prosecco, so.

That sums me up, and I plan to celebrate this weekend. What should I do? Keep in mind I just paid $560 for a vet bill for Iris, a bill I want to pay off immediately because I charged it and want it off my card the way you want to get a taffy wrapper off your hands. So think of something low cost.

Thanks for being so kind and supportive while Iris and I go through this stupid time in our lives. I still have to have those ovarian cysts removed and if that doctor says anything to alarm me I will throw them at her like we’re in a water balloon fight.

Had it-ly,
June

57 thoughts on “June gets her results

  1. Long-time reader rudely interrupting the pleasant exchanges about June's happy health news says:

    Dear June: I apologize for interrupting the regular program, but I couldn’t find your email in my contact list to ask there. I wanted to see if you can do copy-editing (proofreading + line editing only, no fact checking) on a 4,000 words article, starting at the end of February. I’ve added my email to this comment. IF you have time , please reply. Otherwise, feel free to ignore, I promise I’ll continue to be your faithful reader without a single drop of resentment. I would probably need the revision done in a week from the time I send you the article. You’ve copy-edited content from me before and only had to change a few things, so I don’t expect the work to take very long. I do expect to pay way more than I paid last time, it’s been a few years ;-). Thanks.

    Like

  2. Allison says:

    I am so glad. Fingers crossed for Iris. To celebrate, have a cup of tea or a cocktail at the most beautiful, old-fashioned hotel bar with the best service near you.

    Like

  3. demeterrella says:

    So happy for you. Yay!!!

    Like

  4. Megsie says:

    Thank Goodness! I am so glad you are okay.

    Sending prayers for Iris too.

    Lovely post, lovely June.

    Like

  5. L. in CA says:

    Such great news! Wishing continued happiness for you, kitties, and Edsel💕

    Like

  6. cheech1000 says:

    I think that we discussed at some other point in time, our mutual jerk pill (non)takers. I found a pill masker paste from Tomlyn that has Jackson Galaxy’s picture on the front of it, and generally, my Pepper will eat this with a pill. No other pill pockets worked on her, but this one does. It has a really strong smoky bacon smell. Try it – it’s only $4 on Chewy. And the few times that doesn’t work, the Lixit pill popper thing works great! You just “shoot” the pill towards the back of their throat. Saves you from jamming your fingers in their mouth!

    Like

  7. Iowamom says:

    That seems like good news! Enjoy your weekend of rest? Not sure what to say here because it’s hard to come down after all the waiting and receiving of info. All the best!

    Like

  8. Happy your results are in.

    Like

  9. Beth from the woods says:

    Is this the same doctor making you do all this waiting…?
    I cannot for the life of me understand that.
    I know you aren’t her only patient , but the way she is treating you , she doesn’t deserve to have patients. THE witch.
    I am very glad you are fine. That means the most, but scaring you to death is not kosher, right or even human.

    Like

    1. Beth from the woods says:

      I’m sorry…you asked what to do to celebrate. Maybe go out to one of your favorite second hand shops and buy a cool shiny thing (they usually have some jewelry)or something that makes you smile when you see it every day. Maybe a bell for your bedside table to call in the servants when you need them.

      Like

  10. Joan says:

    I am sooooooooo happy for you!

    Like

  11. Hot in AZ says:

    Great news! So happy to hear it. I hope Iris has good news too.

    Like

  12. Capelover says:

    Wonderful news you got! How about a hot bath with millions of bubbles? Some sparkly water to drink, so no migraine. Add some decadent chocolate and your favorite music. A night to relax and just be thankful.
    Hope Iris gets good news too, but I’m sure she doesn’t want a bubble bath to celebrate.

    Like

  13. Georgia says:

    So with that fluid plus the cysts getting removed, imagine it as a great weight loss idea!
    I’m so glad it wasn’t stupid stupid cancer.

    Like

  14. Geeky Girl with Glasses says:

    So glad you got the all clear!! Or at least the all clear except for mucus, but we all have mucus so, yay!!

    To celebrate, I think you should go dancing and dance off all that stress and worry you’ve been carrying. Even if you just close the blinds and turn up the music at home, you should do some celebratory flailing about. Costs nothing but feels damn good!

    Like

  15. Kerrin says:

    YAY for no cancer!!!!
    I think you should go to that drag queen show you go to sometimes to celebrate. Drink water when you’re there so no migraine / hefty bar tab and LIVE IT UP!!!

    Like

  16. bamacarol says:

    Do you have a Krispy Kreme in town? I would look for their “Hot Now” sign and go get the most chocolatey , sugary doughnut they have that is still warm. Or maybe jut lie on their rolling belt and let sugar drip all over you. Can you tell I’ve been denying myself sugar for a while? Prayers and good thoughts for Ms. Iris.

    Like

  17. teesmithii says:

    After further thought I would add to my popcorn a real Coke over crushed ice.
    Tee

    Liked by 1 person

  18. boomersmommasmomma says:

    Great news.
    Maybe take a drive and flip a coin for left or right turns. I want to do that so bad and just end up where I end up.

    Like

  19. JG says:

    I don’t know if there is a difference between advice and suggestions. I’ve been cracking open a large freeze dried minnow, sticking a pill inside and then using a piece of a pill pocket as glue to keep the medicine inside. My cats we literally try to swallow my fingers to get a dried minnow and completely ignore the presence of pills. The dog treat bags of minnows are a better value that the half ounce bags for cats and have more large minnows. I buy Vital Essentials brand off of Amazon because their product has the best reputation. The option of 3 bags of 1 ounce “dog” minnows is the best value. I hope you get good news about Iris.

    Like

  20. Persephone says:

    Freebie idea – go read greeting cards and laugh out loud. It is even more fun if you bring a friend. No joke, this is what my parents did early in their marriage. Later on, after we kids came along, Dad would pile all of us in the car to go read greeting cards. After reading the cards, even the innuendo ones that I was too young to understand at the time, we’d all line up to have our pulse and blood pressure taken by the free machine near the pharmacy. Hours of fun. Zilch spent.

    Like

    1. Kerrin says:

      this is fantastic! That sounds like a fun Friday night to me!!

      Like

  21. Maddie says:

    Your sentence with shit & shit bag & shit road
    (!!!!!) Your sentence deserves an award.
    I am so glad things are ok, maybe, sorta, pending further tests, fingers crossed.

    Does anyone remember when cat medicine came in liquid form? I was like six but even I could give liquid to a cat. Wtf with pills. My vet always suggests the wrap cat in towel method. There is no way. Pill plus being mummified in a towel? No cat would forgive that.

    I once had to pill a horse. I’m not short but I’m def shorter than a tall horse throwing his head in the air to avoid bad tasting meds. Horse vet was more helpful, suggesting making the pill into a paste, then loading a gigantic syringe like thingy with (in this order) molasses/demon paste/molasses. Squish into horse’s mouth then watch his expressions go through the fastest rotation ever between heavenly delight (Mmmmm molasses!), bewildered betrayal (Ewwww! Bad molasses! Bad!), etc. But it worked.

    Hope you have a lovely weekend June. Maybe drive the country as suggested or cruise antique/thrift stores for gaudy baubles. You totally deserve some goodness.

    Like

  22. Worker Bee says:

    Hip hip hooray for no cancer! I’m so sorry you are still awaiting test results for Iris. The waiting and worrying is awful. I hope you get good news today.

    Our cat had to have medicine when we first got her. Our vet took pity on us and boarded her for free, so staff could give her medicine. We finally learned to give her pills with the help of a pill shooter. She’s a gateway cat though. Super laid back and sweet. I know the next cat will be a hellion. That’s how it has worked with our dogs. Each dog has worse behavior than the one before.

    I hate all things gynecological. My former doctor has a kid on my kid’s sports team. So now I am going to have to see the gyn multiple times a week. I just feel awkward about it. Here I am, with my husband and kids, hanging out with someone who has seen it all. I need to just find a gynecologist out of town someplace. Sheesh.

    Like

  23. PLS says:

    So glad you received good news, a visit to a new cemetery sounds like a good way to celebrate! Such irony…so relieved for you.

    Like

  24. Shannen Navy Platinum says:

    Poor sweet marshmallow Iris. Hopefully it is just pancreatitis because as painful as that is it is treatable.

    I know exactly what you mean about Milhous. So damn cute but when you want a cuddle they squirm and shove themselves away. Or scoot away and you’re suddenly lunging at thin air. Augh!

    I love the new blog header picture.

    And damn that dr’s office. Compassion for days there.

    Like

  25. Judith Pogue says:

    Suzy Kolber is the hot ESPN reporter, Joe Namath was Definetly WAY past his prime at the time. I had friends at the game watching it and they said it was cringeworthy!
    I love my Dr of 28 yrs because he makes me laugh and swears like a sailor, but his office staff sucks with returning calls of any kind. I’ve discussed it with him many times, but nothing changes.

    Like

  26. Nancy says:

    Unless you want to have kids, that whole situation down there is like carrying around a big appendix.

    No reason to be there. Might kill you.

    Not killing me this year? Okay, great. See you next year.

    Glad you’re okay, June.

    Like

  27. kimpal95 says:

    I second the ride in the country. Nothing makes me feel better than a fun drive in my car. So glad you’re ok now kitty needs to be ok too. Let her eat what she wants!

    Like

  28. Kate says:

    Ulta has $10 facials right now! That’s a cheap and relaxing way to celebrate.

    Like

  29. PJ says:

    Let me get this straight. So hot you are to drunk Joe Namath as Milhouse is to you because he’s in his hot days. Or you are to hot Milhouse the cat as hot lady reporter is to drunk (hot) Joe Namath. Or, that last one vice versa. Got it.
    I think that doctor likes to make herself look and feel important. ***k her and the white coat she wore. We are MADE of blood and mucus lady.
    Yea, St. Francis, help a little blind kitty out woncha?

    Like

  30. First of all, love the new header picture. I have a strange love for old-timey typewriters.

    Also next, I am glad your woman parts aren’t going to kill you. I hope you feel better. Why are doctors such jerks.

    Last, poor Iris. I hope see feels better quickly too. We love her.

    Like

  31. PJ says:

    I’m with Tee with the popcorn and butter coupled with Laura and the stack of books from the library. Heaven on a couch with cats and dog.

    Like

  32. Jeanie Herkomer says:

    Yay for your good news! Hoping for the same for Eyeriss.

    Like

  33. QueenStella says:

    I’m a nurse and I cringe at the way some medical professionals talk with patients and families. As my friend and I say, “Put some lipstick on it!” Back in the day, we had a program where the interns were “patients” for 24 hours and experienced some of what hospital patients do, including the vague room visit by nurse and doctor and waiting for test results. I like to think it changes the way they approach patients in their practice. Glad for your good news. Much love to Iris.

    Like

    1. Melissa says:

      I’m an OR nurse and I’ve never heard of doing a uterine biopsy in the office. We do them in the OR under general anesthesia. And we put local in at the end so they’re numb for a few hours .

      Like

      1. Melon541 says:

        I had mine done in the office. It was pretty painful. After the doc told me I had a high pain tolerance . Gee, thanks, His nurse told me that they had women pass out during it.

        Like

  34. So baffled by them not calling YOU! Rude and insensitive. I cannot wait for you to stop peeing all the time. I am not sure if it is me getting older but lately if I have to pee THERE IS NO WAITING. It is annoying as all get out. I had to have my urine tested recently unrelated to this issue and they found blood in my urine. They retested. More blood. Their answer: you’re fine. Not bladder cancer. But now with the urgent pee thing not subsiding, I am left to wonder if they missed something.

    I think you should drag yourself and a friend to a store to shop for clothes that fit and that are a fraction of the Stitch Thing Box. Technically you will spend $$ but it will save you $ as compared to the let-us-mail-you-pricey stuff box. I always get a rush at finding good deals. Nothing like a cute new outfit!

    Like

  35. Mary Lou says:

    Finally, the best news you were hoping for.
    Us too.
    I like Laura’s no cost low cost books idea for celebrating.
    Glad to hear Iris is eating again.
    Hope her results are back soon and they’re equally good.

    Like

  36. Kim says:

    Yay for the good news. Glad Iris is eating. I made a stupid comment on Facebook last night and have since deleted. I apologize for being a dunce.

    Like

    1. June says:

      What’d you say?

      >

      Like

  37. Anonymous says:

    One down, one to go – here’s hoping for pancreatitus… which seems *wrong*. Been there with the whatever you will eat. Applesauce? Cottage cheese? At some point, I think the dog decided this was too good of a deal and kept holding out to see what else she’d get. Bitch.

    To celebrate frugally, I always go to food. Get a nice box of chocolates or a disgusting mocha chocolate torte, something truly decadent. So happy for the good news, you deserve the happy relief gush!

    Like

  38. Door Color Expert Andrea says:

    Pedicure? Manicure? Drive to the country with Edsel? I’m trying to think of things you like to do.

    I’m starting to think they don’t teach bedside manner any more. I asked my doc, and I love him so for this patience in finding me the right balance of meds, if he just missed that day.

    Prayers still going up for Iris. C’mon St. Francis, help a blind kitty out.

    Like

    1. Sadie says:

      Help a blind kitty out! June, I’m not surprised you slept soundly last night as it was probably the first time in months that you weren’t awake all night worrying about illness and test results. Hope news for Iris is also good.

      If the weather is pretty this weekend, a drive in the country to visit Chris and Lilly’s store might be fun.

      Like

  39. Happy to hear your “it’s all fine” news!!! That’s the best feeling.

    I’m such a nerd that my idea of celebrating might be going on a book binge — at the library for zero dollars or at the used bookstore for more than zero but still satisfactorily low dollars. If you use your library, they might have some of the older movies that you love so much as well. Buy something delicious at the store and you’ve got a weekend!

    Like

  40. teesmithii says:

    YAY! Good report, that is wonderful. What else are they going to find? Mucus and blood. THEY probably created the blood when they cut the plug out of your uterus. Some things are better left unsaid. Prayers for a good report for sweet Iris. My cats, fmr., could see and they were terrible when trying to give them meds. Sweet Pea would foam at the mouth and gag, which was always fun. I would probably have popcorn with lots of butter to celebrate. That’s pretty cheap.
    Tee

    Liked by 1 person

  41. cherylk says:

    Great news! Milhous sounds so fun. Not like my jerk cat who won’t even look at the$30 floppy fish toy I got him for Christmas. He makes a point of actually turning his head away from it whenever he is in the vicinity of it. All the cats in the videos went ballistic over that toy so I thought for sure he would love it. Nope!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. June says:

      To be fair, the little asshole has still never gone in the $9 million cat condo.

      Like

      1. cherylk says:

        Of course not.

        Like

  42. Just Paula H&B says:

    Why hasn’t this annoying doctor hasn’t suggested a Mucinex Vaginal Suppository? Maybe she wants your Vadge to cough it out. I’m underwhelmed with her bedside manner, especially considering she is dealing with WOMEN and CYSTS and CANCER, but clearly she just needs to be RIGHT and to have her RIGHTNESS acknowledged.

    I don’t like her. Big surprise there.

    Where is Meredith Grey when you need her? Off fighting TMZ, that’s where.

    Liked by 1 person

  43. Florence says:

    June Gets Her Results and you start by referencing drunk Joe Namath and ex-wives with Pez dispenser necks. No one writes like you! So relieved about your results. Get a chalkboard (dry erase will do) and make a huge check mark on it–that’s one off the list. And eat some Poet/Boss chocolate.

    Like

  44. gladyswhoisalsobee says:

    Lovely post, Coot.
    Waiting is the worst. Why oh why must they tell you that your results will be back in 2 days then not call? Its medical ghosting is what it is.

    Glad cancer markers were so low. Hope Iris test are good.

    Like

  45. Melissa says:

    Congrats on getting your test results! Can’t wait to hear how you celebrate this weekend. Celebrate for me too, I just turned 50 and I’m on call for work all weekend.

    Like

  46. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    She did want you to know she was right. “See you went and had some BLOOD AND MUCUS up there which FORCED US to have to DIG AROUND and well, it was nothing.” I mean, I can’t think of a place more likely to contain BLOOD and MUCUS and I didn’t even GO to medical school.

    God. Anyway! Iris is in my cat prayers and she will be fine. MARVIN HAS SPOKEN.

    Like

  47. DeDe says:

    I’m glad you’re just mucusy and not cancery! I hope you get good need about Iris soon. Have a great Friday, Coot!

    Like

    1. cheech1000 says:

      “Mucusy” rates right up there with moist, as worst word, ever!!

      Like

  48. Leanne in Greenville NC says:

    So glad for you! Go to a restaurant you’ve been wanting to try.

    Like

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