My OBGYM–oh, my god. OBGYM. What is wrong with me? The OBGYM is where you go to lift vagina weights. My vagina waits for no one.
My OBGYN called yesterday. They have a date for my surgery, in which not only will my lemon-sized ovarian cyst be leaving the building, so will my ovaries in general. The date of said festivities is February 18. At least I can still celebrate Valentine’s Day.
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, dear. Maybe if I’d hit the OBGYM more I’d have a Valentine.
Anyway, they asked if I had any questions, and of course first on my list was, Can I keep my ovaries, and then of course there was, Can you also fix my nose while I’m under, and finally I asked, How long will I be out of commission?
Because here’s what I figured. I figured outpatient. Maybe I’ll be out of work a day, maybe two days.
SIX WEEKS. That’s worst-case scenario. SIX WEEKS. Because, see, they’re gonna try to do it laparoscopically, meaning I get a lap dance till my ovaries fall clean out, but if that doesn’t work they have to cut me wide open and stuff me with bread, seasoning and maybe a nice orange. Although that lemon already in there will probably do nicely.
So, even if it’s lap-dance-scopically I’m out two weeks, minimum.
So here’s what we need to do. We need to think of some sort of low-key project I can do during recovery. Do I read a volume of stories? Do I organize my wardrobe? Is this the time I get a puppy so I can be home with it?
I realize the reason I will be out is because I might feel like crap, but it can’t all be crap and pain and agony, can it? Don’t answer that.
Here’s the best part: This operation may not even address my constant need to pee. ISN’T THAT THE WORST? I’m technically having this operation because I shouldn’t be having ovarian cysts at my age and otherwise I will have to keep having it checked for cancer over and over again and no thank you.
I have another appointment with my urologist in March, to see how my peeing is going. Frankly I’m ready to just remove everything from the waist down. I’m ready to just hop around stumpily like Lieutenant Dan.
Also, “waist.” Wherever are your four boxes of Girl Scout cookies, June? Are you trying to eat so many Samoas that you look Samoan?
Anyway, that’s today’s big news. I’m fixing to be sans ovaries. If you want them, I’m having a blog giveaway.
Ovarian and out,