OK, Cupid

Ooo, wait. I think I got paid last night. Hang on…

…Aw, HELL, yeah.

Last night I was the Little Match Girl. This morning I’m a rapper in the club, throwing bills on the asses of strippers. Let me get my pimp cup.

Do you like how all my versions of big spending are from 1996 music videos?

ACTUALLY, she mansplains, I ended this pay period with a respectable $236 left over. I know for some of you, a respectable $236 would make you panic and hang on to the kids and live on your own urine till you got paid, but I was all, heyyyyy! Look who’s middle class, with her comfortable cushion of TWO THIRTY SIX, over here! I was June Cleaver.

Also, while we’re still on the prickly topic of monnnayy, I got my tax refund. Now, first I was going to send it all to my mother for the fence. In case you aren’t familiar with my every move, and how is that even possible, my mother fronted me the cash for my fence and I am paying her back. Somewhere in a sidebar here is the countdown, the FINAL COUNTDOWN, of what I owe her. I’d already subtracted the tax refund and it’s at $2,000 now.

But just this morning I was looking at Iris, over there eating her sick-stomach food blindly, and remembered her recent health emergency and remembered I put that all on a card and I think I still owe on it. So maybe I’ll divide the two — fence and cat emergency. Fence and the red river valley that flowed outta my cat the other day. Straight outta colon.

I’d really prefer to $pend it in the club. Actually, a club sounds like a nightmare, doesn’t it? All that loud music and you can’t talk. Plus I’d just get a migraine after the first drink and heyyyy, hoooo, heyyyyy, hoooo, hey—fuck this. Hey, ho, I’m going home.

Anyway.

Oh. Happy Valentine’s Day! Are we going to have sex now? This morning I woke up to not one but TWO V-Day texts from various and sundry men, which proves I have still got it, although along with my ovaries, that is hanging by a thread.

Also, and I seem to have a lot of announcements today. This whole post is just a bullet-list newsletter on mimeographed paper. But also, you know how I drink a lot of the coffee. Recently I figured out that Seattle’s Best Coffee tastes just the same as Starbucks but for way cheaper. Which is probably how I have $236 left over. But a few days in a row now I haven’t liked the best Seattle has to offer me. I’m all, bleah. What the hell with this coffee?

And then it occurred to me. Maybe I should put fewer scoops in. So today I did, and you know what? It’s better!

Right then I knew.

I guess that’s all my news for today’s newsletter, and I really should start churning the mimeograph. As I write you all the pertinent info of the day, Eds and I are having a standoff. I have to feed Iris separately from the other cats, although some days that’s just too exhausting and I say screw it and everyone gets Iris’s $99 food, but usually not because see above re $99 food. So while Lily and Milous eat on the dryer like normal people, Iris has to eat over on the counter in the kitchen, the one my neighbor Ronda said was “classy” because I don’t have anything on it.

However, that shelf is low enough that if Edsel really really really tries, if he puts on his heels, he can get to it. And what happens more often than I’d like to admit is, I get into writing here and

PLUNK!

roll roll roll roll

the now-empty bowl of Iris-got-99-problems-but-her-food-ain’t-one rotates across my floor and Edsel looks pleased and well-fed. HE JUST ATE. But that is always irrelevant to the Eds.

Meanwhile, Iris will be still up on the counter with her hands on her hips. ware fud go?

So today, every 45 seconds or so, I have to say, “Edsel.” Because he’s once again creeping ’round my back stairs, out of this room, and over to the bowl. As soon as I say his name, he letter-Cs and slunks back in here (slunks is a FINE word) but I have to stay alert at all times like an airport German shepherd.

It’s overwhelming, all this responsibility. I don’t know how I manage to do it all.

All right, I really am going now, and fending off my many swains on Valentine’s Day. I had more than one woman friend offer me a happy GALentine’s Day yesterday and I am no longer friends with any of them.

Love,
Jooop

59 Comments

  1. Until a couple years ago, coffee didn’t bother me at all. Then after I turned 50, I started peeing all the time. I’d sip an ounce of water, then pee 4 ounces three minutes later. My doctor told me to stop drinking so much coffee (I drank a LOT). It worked, so now I buy and store away a tiny can of decaf and when I want coffee, I sneak it in on my husband who doesn’t know I’m doing it. Now that’s love: I get decaf and he doesn’t have to make the coffee!

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  2. My husband went to a big golf store to watch his friend hit golf balls into a net. Then they went to lunch and are spending the afternoon cleaning up debris from the flood golf course. A day to myself was his Valentine’s Day gift and I LOVE IT!!!

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    1. I read bamacarol’s comment the , the first 3 times, that her husband was watching his girlfriend hit balls at a golf course. I thought wow ol’ bamacarol is a forgiving one. 🙂

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  3. Ugh I don’t like Valentine’s Day much simply because so many people get their feelings hurt when their so-called- partner forgets them or gets them something stupid! Not me – I do not give a crap about getting a thing! I sure do not need candy and I really do not need anything else either. If I need something, I just get it, you know!
    I started buying cat and dog food from Amazon as it was cheaper than Chewy and no shipping costs.
    I hope everyone that likes to celebrate this silly day, has a wonderful time!

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  4. We best the Valentine crowd today, we had lunch at our favorite place at 11:20 am because it is across the parking lot from the dermatologist. How convenient AND there was NO music, which is a real plus. Years ago me, my husband and aunt and uncle were having dinner at a fancy place in Buckhead (Atlanta peeps know it’s a fancy area of town) and my uncle offered to pay the guy to stop playing the piano. It was awful, you couldn’t have a conversation, not even with yourself.
    Tee

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    1. I had lunch today with three very good friends (not Galentines) and the music was SO LOUD we could barely carry on a conversation. I would have paid someone to turn it down. Plus and also, too? It was an Italian restaurant and they were going for authentic, so the music was loud and also frantic.

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  5. I agree with what Poet said….every time she said it. Excellent post.
    We exchange cards but do not under any circumstances go out to dinner. I find it a little desperate. We are going to a chocolate and wine tasting at a local winery this afternoon!
    I was amused by all the men at CVS yesterday buying large boxes of drug store candy and a couple of the desperados even sprung for the single artificial rose. Very sad.
    Have a good day everybody, whatever you choose to do.

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  6. My heart isn’t really in this, but happy Valentine’s Day, everyone. All I can think about is that stupid song Stupid Cupid.

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  7. Jesus–I just looked at these comments from my phone and see the ding-dang DATE is still lurking in the middle of the comments. I told WP about it already and they tried to fix it but I see Ima have to bring it up again, and on Galentine’s Day and all.

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    1. When I read the comments on my computer, the date has been moved to the right and is no longer part of the comment. Not sure how it looks when reading from a phone because that’s too fancy for me..

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  8. Happy Valentine’s Day. I feel kinda mean because I told my husband to not get me flowers, but if he insists to get me a plant instead. I’d like to have more than a week to watch something die. With my green thumb and all.

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  9. June, I vaguely recall that the last time you were facing something scary you wrote especially funny posts, like yesterday’s and today’s. More comedy per square inch. Therefore I think I speak for all of us when I say that you should have surgery more often.

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  10. June, I vaguely recall that last time you were facing a scary thing you wrote especially funny posts, like this one and yesterday’s. More comedy square inch. So I think I speak for all of us when I say you should have surgery more often.

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  11. Straight outta colon- bah ha ha! Killing me. We have only been married 23 yrs but no valentine’s day nonsense – who has time for that? We went to sis in law’s 50th last weekend and thought it was great till someone started playing the guitar and singing. Conversation killer. We drove home and agreed: we are officially old! Hooray for pay day!

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    1. Only 23.

      Please pardon me, but it seems I can comment only by replying, so:

      June, I vaguely recall that the last time you were facing something scary you wrote especially funny posts, like yesterday’s and today’s. More comedy per square inch. Therefore I think I speak for all of us when I say that you should have surgery more often.

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  12. No dining out for us. Nearby restaurant does a special and we get one to go and split while watching “The Mummy” in our fuzzy pants. The first time we did this, our favorite waiter worried that we’d broken up because Hunky ordered just one meal. He had to carefully old-splain that we were OLD and not that hungry.

    Also? “TWO V-Day texts from various and sundry men, which proves I have still got it, although along with my ovaries, that is hanging by a thread.“ killed me dead.

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    1. See. That sounds like a perfect evening. Remember in the Sex and the City movie when she’d get irked that Big brought food home? Oh my god, that’d be my IDEAL situation.

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  13. I forgot today was Valentine’s Day, so I have to heave myself out to the Dollar General for a card and some stuff for the grandboys in 2 weeks.

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  14. Another hilarious post. Happy Valentine’s to all of you. We, my husband and I, no longer exchange cards of any kind. Around 43ish years of marriage we agreed no more cards after re-reading 43 years of cards and then trashing them. Our romantic gift for each other this year and probably for the rest of the age, are you ready…a tractor. That’s also for birthdays, Christmas, Easter and all the other special days. Actually, I love that tractor.

    We discovered a light roast coffee at Aldi that’s as good as Krispy Kreme smooth coffee, fmr., and cheaper. KK changed the smooth coffee, it’s no longer smooth.

    A surplus at the end of the pp is exciting! I call pay days, the exchange day.

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  15. I don’t hate Galentine’s. I celebrate it with girlfriends (I do abhor “gal pals”) at the Wine Kitchen. I also love a good “Treat Yo’ Self Day”. Parks and Recreation was a wonderful show.

    I hope my husband didn’t get me anything bc I didn’t get him anything bc its dumb and costs 2x as much as it should.

    Ooh! more things that irritate: “Happy VD!” Sure bc THAT is an original joke.

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  16. Happy Valentines Day to all you lovers. Worst day ever, for everyone, is my theory. Like what if you’re in a miserable relationship? Do you just avoid each other all day? My valentine and I decided years ago to just love each other every day and not make a biggie out of this one stupid day of the year. And yet, somehow we managed to make plans to go out to dinner tonight, forgetting what day it was. Wish me luck. I’d rather be at The Club.

    Your morning “feed the herd” chores sound much like mine. I have fewer – just the two curs – and neither are mine – thanks daughter who “lives” with us but travels constantly for getting not just one but TWO shedding beasts to leave behind on the regular. But one is a gobbler and the other is a picker, so they have to be separated and I have to make sure both doors are closed between them or Miss Gobbler will gobble and then race around to the forgotten door and have Miss Pickers food gone before either of us know what hit us. And Miss I’m A Chubby Girl So I’m Always Hungry WHINES and SIGHS and WOOFS until you feed her. So we have to wait until she stops and then quickly whip out her food so she doesn’t think all the complaining is working. It’s exhausting I tell you.

    I’m loving your neighbor’s description of your clean counter as “classy”. I like to keep my counters free of crap, but I call that “avoiding the hoarding gene”. I like classy better! Gonna go with it.

    Love you June! Thanks for being our everyday Valentine every day!

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    1. You know, it was the day after Valentine’s Day that Marvin said he was leaving. And part of the impetus of that was we’d had an unromantic V Day. Whatever with him.

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    2. Good luck with dinner out tonight. We went out to dinner once on Valentines Day while we were dating (back when fire had just been discovered) and found it to be crowded and the servers overworked. After that, we decided to avoid dinner out on Valentines Day.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. We too have made that mistake. The “special” menus and the harried wait staff make it oh so much fun. But the place we’re going is a favorite, they all know us, and we’re going really early – after the walker crowd but before the young and hip – so I think we’ll be fine. And we’ll laugh about all the cheap grocery story flowers all the men (who waited until the last minute and then overpaid for) walk in with.

        June – I read an article that said Valentines Day promotes many a break up as people come to grips with the lack of love/romance in their relationship. So you and Marvin were oh-so-trendy.

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  17. Happy Valentine’s Day! On Wednesday I asked my husband if he got me a card and of course he said no. Actually, he said not yet. So, I told him not to bother because I didn’t get him one either. And that’s 34 years of marriage talking right there. We’re over Valentine’s Day.

    Good luck with your surgery next week. I’m having a time with my eyeballs and I may not be able to check in next week. I took a dog paw to the eye a couple of weeks ago and it turns out dog feet are pretty darn nasty, so I’ve been dealing with a staph infection in one eye and last night the other eyeball started to join in. I’m Iris over here.

    Edsel is such a good boy. Are you sure Milhouse isn’t framing him?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sorry to hear that DBinMD. Eye stuff is inconvenient and scary. I hope all is well soon.

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  18. Your bullet newsletter immediately brought me back to grade school where I got to help distribute the dittos (copies of something for you young folks) and the SMELL so now I am wow – how reading you gave me an odor memory – well done! I have my complete pay left because I got paid today and my bank deposits in the mornings and withdrawals in the afternoon – so at 4:00 I will have a lot less money but right now riches bitches cause I wanna be in a 90’s video throwing away the coin on hookers and blow.

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  19. Happy Valentines Day. I felt like I hit the jackpot when the boxes of chocolates were 1/2 price when I went to the grocery store last night. Guess who came home with two boxes? And that’s how Mr. Sadie and I will be celebrating the holiday. No clubs for me as a never did like loud music where you couldn’t hear anyone.

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  20. I overspent to get a puppy because I really wanted him so I ended this pay period with $2. I’m still feeling ok with this decision because he’s the best puppy ever. I was very glad to see that check go in this morning though!

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  21. Lovely post, Coot.

    A club sounds absolutely horrible. I remember back in the day I spent all my non working hours at the club. Well at least until midnight on weeknights and two a.m. on Saturdays and because I lived in the bible belt closed on Sunday.

    Also and too Chewy is cheaper on the special diet food but you have to send the the prescription.

    Have a wonderful Valentimes. ( I even hate me for that)

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              1. Not a husband. Just thinking you probably meant you and all the pets, after I thought about it.
                You do have a shed out back. He could live there!!!!! HA

                Liked by 1 person

  22. Well. This was a full post!
    HVD. There. Done.

    I am facing some high vet bills now too. Gonna have to sell my kidney or something. Sigh.

    Edsel!

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  23. Happy Valentines Day to everyone here! I abhor “Galantine’s”. I liken it to the also abhorable (not a word) bachelorette parties where everyone has the same color dress at some destination. Oh wait, this was supposed to be a happy day! Chortle!

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  24. Happy Valentines day! Don’t forget to carry your big stick today to fight off all the mens.
    Lovely post, June.

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