Do you ever get disproportionately mad about something?
Today, I was trying to put on my contacts. Do you wear contacts? I wear dailies, meaning each day I put in a new pair and each night I throw them out. It’s supposed to be the sanitariest method and as you know I’m quite a neatnik.
Really, I wear those because they are the only kind that will go in my eye. I don’t know what’s happened over the years. When I was 27, I could slide any old pair in. I could spend $6 on a pair of Earl’s Kontacts for Less from the mall and do just fine. Then my eyes got persnickety.
Not only do I have to wear dailies–even weeklies feel like dinner plates–I have to wear just one brand. And every year my eye doctor is all, “I can’t believe you still wear these old-fashioned Bob’f Ye Old Contactf.” Every year he’s all, “Try these. They’re so much thinner and so much more moisturizing” and every year it’s all, DINNER PLATES and we have to go back in time and get my old brand from Damascus where they still make them.
I had no idea I could talk this long about contacts.
Anyway, this morning I put the left one in and I knew it had a cat hair in it. You may be shocked to learn this is a common issue for me. You wouldn’t think one thin speck of fur would KILL YOUR EYE OUT, but it does.
I’d come out of the bathroom with my contacts in my hand and my banjo on my knee, and lying across the threshold was Milhous, which was sort of cute, a cat lying across the threshold of the bathroom for no discernable reason, so I petted him and right there was my mistake.
So I had to take it out and try again and it worked, finally. Then I put in the right contact and it
out of my eye and onto god knows where.
“Goddammit,” I said, patting the folds of my sexy robe to try to retrieve it.
So there was a dollar I just wasted. I got up and got a second right contact from Thine Contactf and Apothecary. “As worn by Judaf!“
Do you like how I keep making the Ss Fs? And also combining Olde English with Biblical refs? God, I’m hilarious.
I opened the second package and put it in my eye and it
DAMMIT!!!” I screeched, alarming everyone else who lives here.
And that is the story of how I got disproportionately mad.
I do it all the time though. I’m not good with everyday frustrations.
Speaking of everyday frustrations, tomorrow I have to be at the surgery center at 5:30 a.m., and I plan to write quite a testy Yelp about this whole experience. Can you imagine? What are we going to do, begin roasting a huge turkey? 5:30 in the morning. I might as well not go to bed.
So don’t expect a post from me tomorrow, as I will be under the—whatever they use to do laparoscopic surgery. I’ll try to write Wednesday but I will be on narcotics so I will sound like everyone in my neighborhood. Also, my mother will be here. It is likely she will not be on narcotics.
I was kind of hoping I’d hallucinate. I never have, and it seems like it’d be fun. Maybe I’ll hallucinate that my mother is here. Maybe she’s not coming at all and is hoping that’s what I do.
This weekend I ran around trying to do every chore I could think of so I’d be okay with lying about for weeks on end. I say that like I’m such a go-getter. Oh, what trouble I have not being productive! Pfft.
I guess that’s all I have to tell you, except, oh! Edsel!
As you know, because you’ve hidden cameras all over my life, Eds and I play fetch a lot. I noticed awhile back that he literally can’t see Blu if he doesn’t see where it lands. He sniffs right near it but doesn’t SEE it. That is why I got him some Red Blus, which makes no sense, but guess what. He doesn’t see those either.
Last night I stared at his eyes, which as a not-alpha made him all kinds of nervous, and I know you can’t see in this picture, but it seemed like maybe there was a little cloudiness in his eyes. At what age do they get cataracts? It seems unfair that he has to have arthritis, a bad heart AND cataracts.
We have to go to the vet in April anyway for his heart checkup, so I’ll ask then. Maybe he needs little glasses.
My advanced art course is filling up. Register soon.
I’ll talk to you postsurgery. Unless I oversleep and miss it.