I woke up at 3:30 this morning, thirsty as all get-out. Not for attention, but thanks for that funny funny joke. For water. And if you can’t find anything to be grateful about today, be thankful you can roll out of bed with relative ease and make your way to the nearest water source. Oh my gorsh, as my 9th-grade drama teacher would have said.

It seems funny that I had to be taught drama, really.

Anyway I struggled like a turtle on its back and finally I got up and hunch hunch hunched like a T-rex to the kitchen.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this, but I had surgery this week. Antelopes in lion-heavy deserts have less trouble getting to water than I do RN.

I noticed Edsel had followed me to the kitchen, probably thinking, god mom, move azz. speed it up. who you be, mrs. wigguns?

“Do you need to go outside?” I asked him. As soon as I said that, from out of the bowels of the house, Milhous came BOUNDING out, ran UNDER Edsel’s legs and slid to a halt at the back door like Tom Cruise in Risky Business.

And right then I knew Milhous knows that sentence.

By the way, he also knows, “No,” which is what I told him about wanting to prance around in the snow at 3:30 at night.

It snowed here.

You can see it was pretty severe. Yet I still didn’t want this orange beast out in it at night.

If you have any NC friends other than me, you already know it snowed here, as we are somehow compelled to photograph our annual snow and excitedly Instagram it to those of you in, say, Ohio, who are in month four of living in an igloo.

Are igloos really a thing or is that another racist Warner Bros. cartoon idea? Do you think all the Warner Bros. cartoonists were bros who got drinks after work and so on? Do you think saying they were animators got them the ladies?

These are the thoughts you can entertain when you’re lying about tryina recover.

You know what I might do? Get out of of my huge books or book series and reread it. What say you?

Meanwhile, I’m out of coffee and Pam isn’t here yet to order around, so Ima have to remove the cats (orange and blind) and mince out to the kitchen. That’ll be a relaxing 15 minutes. Pam and my stepfather are at a hotel. They are allergic to cats. Plus I have the one bed and all. They said my house is bigger once you’re here. People also note Edsel is smaller when they meet him. He’s really more of a medium dog, although he’s never given me a message from beyond, ever.

Okay, here I go to the kitchen to feed my addiction.

Love,
Juan

35 thoughts on “I’d think of a title because Pam keeps talking to me so I can’t think but let’s call this one Helena

  1. Sadie says:

    Good morning. Hope you are improving each day and will soon no longer impersonate a turtle on its back.

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  2. Anonymous says:

    I just stopped by to say I hope you are feeling better!
    Tee

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  3. Worker Bee says:

    Just stopping by to say I hope you are healing well!

    Like

  4. Jen S says:

    I wasn’t able to comment on the last post. Let’s try today! (It’s probably my stupid phone) Anyway, I remember trying to get up after I had surgery on my kidney. I slept in a recliner because I had trouble laying flat. That gave me a head start on the standing, but I remembering the mincing. Anyway, hope you are feeling better every day. Thank goodness you have that cozy home to stay in while the blizzard raged outside. Hope Pam cam make it safely to and from the hotel in that mess. Ha!

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  5. Beth from the woods says:

    Hell lean a……………I got it!
    They don’t call me sharp for nothin’ …..argh.

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  6. L. in CA says:

    I was really confused because I thought you just posted this as it’s 1:30am-ish PST (then I saw this was from 2/21 not 2/22🙃) and I was worried about how would you manage to let Eds out while trying to keep Milhouse Cruise from wiggling out past your body, wedged in between the open door… Cuz that would hurt to bend where you shouldn’t be bending. I guess it all worked out- going back to sleep now!

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  7. Another Unruly-Haired Person says:

    Medium dog!
    Hope you continue to heal well, and to order Pam around a lot. Because Pam.

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  8. Kerrin says:

    JOON – https://www.amazon.com/Post-Op-Panty-Compression-Hysterectomy/dp/B00WIU5K3C/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2RRW1UB9N3J8L&keywords=post+hysterectomy+abdominal+binder&qid=1582345727&sprefix=post+hysterectomy%2Caps%2C169&sr=8-4

    That post op panty really helped me. (they have one that is made of “scar reducing silicone too, I think, but I didn’t buy that one b/c I didn’t see it until later) It SEEMS like a “binder” would make things more uncomfortable, but it actually helps hold things together where your muscles cannot – it helps with hunching. Just in case you hadn’t heard of it. Otherwise, please ignore me.

    Like

    1. June says:

      I hadn’t heard! Thanks very much!

      >

      Like

  9. Dancer says:

    Hunching. P.s. don’t laugh. Im sure it hurts. Like Tom Cruise in Risky Business. Funny right thar. Have you seen Owl Kitty in that clip. Google it. You’ll hate me cuz it will make you laugh.

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  10. Pal from MA says:

    Man! Hard shit. Love you, my younger compatriot! Xoxo

    Like

  11. Barbara says:

    Hope the pain hunching goes away soon!

    Like

  12. I too enjoyed the T-rex visual. That sucks to have such difficulty getting out of bed. Brings me back to when my oldest was born. I had to go home with a catheter still in. Could not get up and out of bed myself and I did not have a c section. It was, ahem, elsewhere that caused me severe pain. Never dreamt I would have 5 more kids after that. But having learned my lesson I made them leave the catheter in until damn swelling went down so I could pee before I left the hospital.

    Like

  13. Texas Kari says:

    I’m so glad you are recovering and that your pets haven’t jumped on your tummy.
    Three cheers to parents helping out. Do you like your new furniture arrangement?
    You know what I reread recently? The Thornbirds! It’s lost a bit of charm in light of priest abuse news these days, but it’s still a lovely story.

    Like

  14. teesmithii says:

    The mental image of your T-rexing to the kitchen! Sorry, it made me laugh, because I’ve been there t-rexing over a walker just walking the floor because I could.not.sleep. Also, the description of Mil sliding under Edsel wanting to go outside. Such a great description. I’m so sorry you are still uncomfortable, hopefully that is going to improve soon. Reading sounds like a good way to relax, rest and heal. Will Pam need a long novel to read…just curious because of the title of this post.
    Tee

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  15. bobb1jd says:

    Medium dog. Ha.
    Thankful you are able to mince across the floor . Carol Burnett is the best.

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  16. LisaPie says:

    Great post, lovely June.
    Everything I think to say comes out like advice so I’m going to leave it as is.

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  17. ClgInAZ says:

    After appendectomy two weeks ago, the surgeon told me not to hunch. She also said that even though it seems as if it’ll hurt more, wearing a binder helps and it does.
    But when you have to hunch, you have to hunch!
    Im looking forward to the night I can sleep in my bed instead of recliner. Thank god for the recliner but I’m going to burn it when I’m fully healed.
    Feel better soon!

    Like

  18. Megsie says:

    Ow. I hope your hunching helps your healing.

    Enjoy your “snow.”

    Lovely post, lovely June!

    Like

  19. Florence says:

    “Antelopes in lion-heavy deserts have less trouble getting to water than I do RN.”

    Aside from the magnificence of that sentence, I misread that first word. Antelopes–wasn’t he in the Trojan War?

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Katie says:

    I have to have a water bottle next to my bed every night. But it has to be a closed topped water bottle because Fleur the cat is also an asshole and taps taps taps everything off everything. Also, she drinks from every glass that is sitting around. How did I not know/remember that Pam is allergic to cats. This is going to cause me to have a big update to my big BOJ.

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    1. DG says:

      You are doing better than me as I was because I was all, who the hell is Pam. Then D’oh, that is MOTHER!

      Like

  21. Koala Raspberry says:

    The mental snapshot of Milhouse sliding to the door is making my morning. Sorry about the need to hunch. Hope that clears up soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Gretchen says:

    A few more days and you’ll be feeling quite a lot better. And then it will take a frustratingly long time to get all the way back to feeling normal. But you’ll get there. Do you have a pillow or something to hold over your incision when you have to move? Hang in there!

    Like

  23. Sadie says:

    Who you be, mrs. wigguns? I can just see Edsel with his legs crossed waiting for you to mince to the back door.

    Hope Pam can brave your N.C. blizzard to make it to your home this morning.

    Like

  24. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    Your “snow” does make me laugh. And as a former Michigander, you know what we’re dealing with here in the midwest. It was 4 this morning. Just four frigging degrees. My skin is so dry it crackles when I move.

    We have a whole slew of words that we will only spell around the D O G S. One of them is smart-ish (the other is not even as smart as my Roomba) but when she gets excited about WALK or EAT or DINNER or TREAT or OUT CAR PIZZA, the other one gets herself riled up, too. How come they can figure that stuff out but can’t understand me when I say GET THE EFF OUT OF MY EFFING KITCHEN? Our last three dogs could hear “dogs out of the kitchen” and they would skeedaddle. These two? No response.

    June. I am sorry you are hunchy-hunching all on your own for coffee over there. But it’s good that Pam and stepfather are getting their beauty sleep. The best thing about recovering from surgery is each day is bound to be a little better than the one you just lived through.

    Lovely lovely post June. Even with parts missing, you’ve still got it!

    Like

  25. Just Paula H&B says:

    Albert has quite an extensive vocabulary. Well, he understands a lot of what we say, but I suspect his responses are all Siamese for Fuck You Stupid.

    Nova understands somewhat less than Albert but is too lazy to bother.

    We don’t see Phyllis often enough to judge her intelligence. Or maybe that sums it up right there. She is our intellectual superior and has no use for any of us.

    One solution would be to keep water by your bed, but if your cats are assholes like Albert, they will tap tap tap until the water, the tissue box, your phone and every other goddamn thing falls to the floor. And then look at you with a half self-satisfied smirk and a half dull-witted “what?” look on his face. This is why my father threatened to turn every cat into a lamp.

    Like

  26. Jeanie Herkomer says:

    Glad to hear you’re hunching forward this morning. I believe the more you hunch, the easier it will be. Eds must have been excited to see you up and about.

    Like

  27. Nicole says:

    Definitely time for a big book series. Unless you only have books requiring thought, because I’m assuming you’re on painkillers and thinking is incompatible with painkillers.

    Like

  28. Mrs Gumby says:

    “hunch hunch hunched like a T-rex to the kitchen”.

    I am dead! This is it. Officially the funniest thing you’ve ever written.

    Like

  29. LaUral says:

    You are seriously one of the funniest people, even in the midst of your trials and tribulations. I was always surprised by how much smaller Tallulah was in person than she looked in photos.

    Serafina also knows “outside” said to Finn means the porch door will be opened, so she lurks and tried to make her move.

    Like

    1. Koala Raspberry says:

      I adore the name Serafina. I need a pet or a new doll or stuffed animal to use that name.

      Like

      1. Beth from the woods says:

        Koala…We had a dog named Sophie and when I scolded her it came out as one word and that is what my nephew thought her name was, Sofeeno.
        I am glad you are feeling well enough to be funny Junebug.

        Like

        1. yetanotherkelly says:

          One of my childhood friends thought his name was “Allendammit” when he was a kid. That didn’t go over too well his first day of kindergarten when the teacher asked him his name.

          Like

        2. Koala Raspberry says:

          Hahaha! Sophie no! I have a Chihuahua ix named Sophie.

          Like

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