You know I like Iris and all. But I’m fixing to snap her cat neck.

Eds has DESPERATELY needed a shower with Lifebuoy and then some Right Guard, and also he needs a manicure. The other day he walked across my foot and actually scratched me with his talons. Eds is usually a nice-smelling dog, so who knows what debauchery he’s been up to during this, my convalescence.

So on this, the first day I am allowed to drive after this, my convalescence, I called the dog daycare place as soon as I woke up. “Yes,” I said, because you know how I am. “My dog needs a bath. Can he get one today?”

“Edsel?” they asked, and I’m assuming it’s because they have my phone number hooked up with a computer, just like the government does, and that’s how they get you.

My point is, they said yes to the bath if I could get him there “in 20 minutes.”

I had phoned them from my bed, like Doris Day, only Doris Day if she’d fallen on rough times. Oh my god I had to leap out of bed with my incision, wash face brush teeth let dog out feed dog dress get dog leash

AND THE WHOLE TIME IRIS WAS DIRECTLY IN MY WAY.

Look. I realize she’s not so sight-y. But I’d turn around and there she’d be, gazing off thoughtfully into her world of darkness as I tripped on her.

Next room? deeeep thot. by eyeriss.

And if I were her, I’d keep out of my way because she’s on antibiotics and she was only reminding me to shove one down her gullet.

Eds and I got to dog daycare in 23 minutes, and bite my shorts. It was my first sojourn out my hood in two weeks. I remember that weekend before this surgery (did you know I had surgery?), how I worked out, then ran around town all day getting things for this, my convalescence. I remember kind of enjoying it. Now I can’t imagine having that kind of energy ever again.

Anyway, here is the webcam for dog daycare. I don’t see Eds there yet, but he still might be under the hooded dryer, reading Cosmopolitan with his nails out so he won’t smudge them.

After I dropped the dog off, I headed to the voting place, so I could cast my vote for America and also pick up 47 strands of Coronavirus.

I’d heard from the people I dine with on Fridays that once you’re 55, you can join this center FOR FREE, and oh my god, you guys, I am so on board. You should have seen all the seniors popping in and out of there, waving at one another and exchanging the virus. Also, there’s a pool!

In the South, everyone belongs to a pool. I’d never heard of such a thing till I got here. So now I can be one of those people who, when you ask after my weekend plans, can say, “Oh, I’ll probably just head down to my pool.”

It was nice in there, yellow cinderblock aside. There was even a display of everyone’s quilts. I am beside myself and cannot wait to be 55. To the Smith Center I will drive. At FIFTY-FIVVVVVEEEE!

I voted using a pen touched by everyone and their virus, then drove home holding my hands before me like I’d soaked them in dung. I washed hands for a Howard Hughes length of time and now I’m writing you. I’d wanted to turn back and take a photo I’d seen of a funny church sign between dog daycare and voting, but that hour of being out was kind of enough of m’first sojourn during this, my convalescence.

But since I’ve had nothing but time, which is now limited since I went out and caught The Virus, I came up with a couple ideas for future posts.

My StitchFix came, like, the day I had surgery, and I forced my mother to pose for me in all of them and was going to get you to vote on them that way, but somebody would take it too seriously and be all, “We can’t decide based on HER wearing them, JOOOOOON.” So I think I can get up the energy to pose in them later today.

But! I’ve decided to use all poses I find in my Soft Selections catalog.

Is it Soft Selections? WTF is it? You know the one. It’s an old lady catalog that has $100 pajamas. WHO spends that much for normal pajams? I understand if they’re all sexy and you get some action from them. But toile pajamas do not need to cost a hundy, Soft Spoonisms. What’s it really called? Stupid anesthesia.

So that’s my first idea, but also too, I have several things in my house I wish to change. I thought each week I could feature something, like, What color should I paint this room? or Should I get curtains or leave these wooden blinds like I’m Geppetto?

Then you could offer your suggestions and links (be careful cause I think WordPress plunks you in spam if you have more than one link in a comment) to drapes or floors or paint or wallpaper you like, and doesn’t that sound kind of fun?

So what should we call it? I thought of June Gaines but that just sounds like I’m busting through my BPI. Is that what it’s called, that number that if it’s over 25 you weigh too much? Goddammit. I hate anesthesia.

GPA?
BPM?
TMI?

Crap.

Anyway, those are my exciting thoughts for zipping things up in the bedroom, or this blog, whichever.

Now I’ve had too much excitement and need to nap like a toddler.

46 thoughts on “Coffee and conversation

  1. Megsie says:

    Good for you getting out to vote! I also did my civic duty. I want a pool.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

    Like

  2. Maddie says:

    Yah the vote lady asked: “Do you have a pen?” And right then I knew*. No. No I do not have a pen. I will be using the Public Pen (now with assorted viruses!). So hard to not touch face after using Public Pen. Sooooo hard.

    Please please please distract us with blog post redecorating series. I desperately need to be challenged with relatively low stakes decisions right now. I have reached the end of The Repair Shop. I’ve watched all of Cheer. I don’t know where else to turn for warm fuzzies man. Please let us talk window treatments and wall colors and the merits of brushed nickel vs chrome vs oil rubbed bronze hardware (brass is dead to me so I name it not).

    Also your post was freaking hysterical.

    (*phrase courtesy of June’s blog)

    Like

    1. Maddie says:

      PS.
      I’ll see your Soft Selections catalog and raise you a J. Peterman.

      Like

  3. Doris Day if she’d fallen on rough times – I thoroughly enjoyed that line. I am suddenly jones-ing for an excuse to lie about and not have to leave the house. Until you described how you cannot imagine having the energy to get up and out again on the regular. I can see me struggling with the self-re-boot.

    Like

  4. teesmithii says:

    https://www.landsend.com/products/womens-print-short-sleeve-cotton-pajama-shirt/id_345397?attributes=44967,39129&dysku=5375893

    They also have flannel pajamas, but that makes me sweat just to think about flannel.

    I failed to respond to your question about blog ideas. Modeling your clothes is always fun. I can’t imagine you wanting to paint any time soon, I suppose you are speaking of when you are recovered. You know this group is always ready to give decorating advice.
    Tee

    Like

  5. teesmithii says:

    I know we’ve had this conversation before, but be nice and patient with Iris, she’s a special needs cat. Poor Iris. You will eventually recover, but a welcome goodbye to the precancerous ovaries. Edsel will probably go straight to a mud hole and jump right in, because he’s clean.
    Tee

    Like

  6. MissusB says:

    Oprah seems to think everyone has a hundy to buy jammies. And another hundy for cashmere lounge socks.

    Like

  7. I just watched one of the guys walk over to Edsel and he leaned over to give him two-handed head scritches and like 3 or 4 other dogs scampered over for some pets but he kept petting Edsel so now he is my favorite worker there.

    Like

    1. June says:

      Oh I’m so glad. Any time they have ever walked past either of my dogs and didn’t scritch them it hurt my heart.

      >

      Like

      1. it was the taller skinny guy. Perhaps also older?

        Like

  8. Just Paula H&B says:

    OMG, animals in the way. We used to have a dog, back in the day before cell phones, when the phone rang and you went to IT, it wasn’t already in your hand, AND you didn’t know who it was, and I swear to God, this dog had placed a call at some point and was waiting for a call back. Every freaking time the phone rang and we would hurry to answer it (that alone is hilarious, the thought of hurrying to answer a phone nowadays? pffft. text me.), the dog would be right in front of us, zigging when we zagged, zagging when we zigged, trying to get to the phone first. Drove us nuts.

    Like

    1. June says:

      Placed a call!!

      >

      Like

  9. cherylk says:

    Juneanna Gaines, I would love for you and your readers to share your redecorating ideas.

    Like

  10. June, mom of a humper says:

    Twice I’ve seen Eds try to hump a big manly German shepherd at daycare. Love, exciting and now. Climb aboard. We’re expecting you.

    Like

    1. Koala Raspberry says:

      Scrappy Doo is a humper as well. Sophie snarls at him and sits down. He is crazy because he still tries It is a dominance thing supposedly. She says dominate this boi!

      Like

  11. Beth in W-S says:

    Does Edsel get his bath right after you drop him off or do they bathe him at the end of the day? I don’t have dogs, so I’m comparing it in my mind to dropping a kid off at daycare: if you get the kid cleaned up right away they’re going to run around and wrestle and be all stinky again when it’s time to go home.

    I vote for the decorating ideas series even though I think your house is very pretty already. I love to see what changes people make to their houses, and I enjoy reading everybody’s ideas and rationale for those ideas.

    Like

    1. June says:

      They give it to him straightaway. I think that’s why they wanted me to get there in 20 minutes. I think their groomer leaves by noon or one or something. Him walking around in a room isn’t going to make him smell bad by the end of the day.

      >

      Like

      1. Beth in W-S, cat person says:

        I’m glad you will still get your money’s worth from the shampoo and set. We had dogs when I was a kid, but my mom was the one who had to think about stuff like how long it took then to restinkify themselves.

        Like

        1. June says:

          Usually I bathe Eds but currently can’t. Seriously he can go months smelling fine. I bathed him before my surgery, just so I wouldn’t run into this incident but yet somehow he started smelling bad.

          >

          Like

  12. PJ says:

    Lovely post, June.

    Like

  13. Shannen Baby Blue says:

    Awwwww. I totally spies on the Edz. He was in the front room just…standing there. Pondering life’s greatest questions. Then he wandered around and eventually sniffed another dog’s bum.

    Anyway. It would be cool to talk about redecorating.

    I just painted an accent wall in our bedroom a medium grey-blue colour and I’m loving it right now.

    Like

  14. Door Color Expert Andrea says:

    Same thing happened to me – nearly four weeks after my surgery I thought fondly back to the weekend before I went under the knife, and how I drove everywhere and did all the errands and got in and out of the car 300 times. Right then I wondered if I would ever be able to do that, ever. And it was my face that was cut open (and peeled back), not my abdomen.

    I can relate, is what I’m saying.

    Like

    1. June says:

      Oooo, facelift? If I had had some procedure that was going to enhance my luxe I would feel all this would be worth it. But just getting rid of potentially cancerous ovaries seems like a big waste of time right now.

      >

      Like

      1. gladyswhoisalsobee says:

        I am having my breast implants removed and in order to have some kind of boob left they are going to take fat from my butt, belly and hips. Kind of like dinner and a movie but more of an explant and liposuction.

        Like

        1. June says:

          That sounds magnificent

          >

          Like

  15. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    It looks like Edsel is just sitting patiently behind that man who is passing out the pets, waiting his turn. Isn’t it amazing that he can happily mingle with all those dogs and yet be a killer when he’s with you?

    Like

    1. June says:

      YES. It’s so odd.

      >

      Like

    2. gladyswhoisalsobee says:

      OMG I love watching Edz. He sniffs a butt here, mosies over to the side, then back to sniff another butt. My granddog goes to day care and they do arts and crafts. One day I picked him up and there was a paw picture he did and he got an award for paying attention and he got another one for best sit. PLUS they do class pictures and individual pictures.

      Like

      1. June says:

        Oh my god I want Edz to go to THAT place!

        >

        Like

  16. Nicole says:

    There are sooooo many dogs! And people wandering about. And a poor guy trying to sweep but there are dogs. I think I see Edsel, but I’m not sure – their camera isn’t very clear and there are dogs in the way.

    Like

    1. June says:

      I see him! I see my baby doggie. I know I’m an asshole. But look at him! Also it’s weird here without him. I keep reaching down and his head isn’t there.

      >

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Lisa. Not THAT Lisa says:

    Ugh. Animals in front of me every step I take these days. “One of us is gonna get kilt” is what I yell at them daily. We all know it’s gonna be me.

    I buy all my pjs at The Costco. When I buy actual pajamas. Usually it’s just some old tshirt and leggings that can no longer see the light of day.

    I follow an Instagram account called The Home Edit. You could call it June Edits… because CLEVER!

    Glad you got Eds in for a spa day. Nothing like a sparkling clean dog!

    Like

  18. Laurie (Lucy's mom) says:

    Dear June;

    I am trying to watch Eds at doggy day care but the link is not working for me – perhaps everyone is out helping Eds suds up?

    I have no comment re: pajamas, but will be happy to weigh in on the decorating challenge. By the way, I want to spell pyjamas with a ‘y’ but spell check is telling me that I am wrong? Have I just imagined that spelling? Perhaps it is Canadian? I am too tired to check – maybe i need some of those pyjamas.

    Laurie in NB, Canada

    Like

    1. June says:

      I think the “y” is Canadian. Also too, the link works for me. I’m on an iPhone. You?

      >

      Like

      1. Jupe says:

        Oh you know what? Maybe the camera won’t work in The Canada.

        Like

      2. Jupe says:

        Oh you know what? Maybe the camera won’t work in The Canada.

        Like

  19. Lovely post Coot.
    So I am searching for post-surgery pajamas, as I will have drains so I need buttons and pockets. OMG. I get hit a thousand times a minute with PJ adds. They all cost a gazillion dollars. Whatever happened to those cotton pajama suits with buttons up the front and had matching robes? No everything I have seen is silky or t shirty or have no pocket and they all cost in the hundreds. Also and too what is up with all the design shows and the rough sawn wood? Do you know how much dirt accumulates in that rough wood? NO, don’t put that in the bathroom! Every germ and bacteria will accumulate in the little grooves and crevices. It is the harborer of the plague.

    And poor Iris.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. kelincol says:

      The Vermont Country Store has a large selection of pjs. Nor cheap but good quality.

      Like

    2. teesmithii says:

      Check Land’s End for pajamas with buttons and pockets. I so agree about the rough wood! NO WAY would I ever put that in any room, especially a bathroom.
      Tee

      Like

  20. Anonymous says:

    My teenager has started giving me a running list of things we need to stock up on in case we get quarantined. So far I’m supposed to run out and buy cheese (“any kind I’m not picky”), pimento cheese, crackers (for the pimento cheese), and pizza. I don’t know why he thinks we will get quarantined – wishful thinking figuring it’ll keep him out of school, maybe.
    Off to stalk Edz on the daycare camera.
    So glad you’re able to be out and about a little. I do hope the weather is as nice there as it is here!

    Like

    1. gladyswhoisalsobee says:

      I went to Sams yesterday in the big city. The toilet paper and paper towel stock was really low. Also and too they usually have a bunch of those big containers of nuts and peanut butter filled pretzles. Nary a one in sight. The lady checking out in front of me had a 50# bag of pinto beans.

      Like

  21. Fay says:

    Soft Surroundings.

    BMI.

    Deeeep thot.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. June says:

      Thank his. Dammit. Thank god. Not his. I shouldn’t have gotten out the vote. Ugh. Am exhaust.

      >

      Like

  22. Joan in NV says:

    JIIIIINNN. Like you’re a genie or Jeanie, all up in your jammies. I’ve got no thoughts, helpful or otherwise I’m really supposed to be working, but FIRST-ish? Enjoy your nap.

    Like

  23. Anonymous says:

    BMI? I think.

    Like

  24. June says:

    I’m just making sure we can fucking comment today. Love, JIIIINNNN

    Liked by 1 person

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