Alarmed and dangerous

I have been trying to keep a secret from all of you, but today, in order to tell this story, I must reveal it.

I had surgery 15 days ago.

I know. But I didn’t want your pity.

{Narrator: She always wants your pity.}

The point is, as you can imagine, I have henceforth not been getting up what you’d call early. You know how if you release a pig into the wild it doesn’t take long for it to be a boar? I’ve been off work two weeks and am now a wild bore.

I am drifting back to my circadian rhythms. I freelanced for four years back in the aughts, and back then my hours became a 4 a.m. bedtime and noon rising. Noon is my rising sign.

During this, my convalescence, I’m sorry to tell you that I, like the rest of America, got hooked on that horrific Love is Blind show on Netflix. Please do not watch it on my account. I do not wish to be an influencer in this realm.

I stayed up past midnight last night, is my point, and was deep in REM this morning when

RING!!!

M’dang phone rang at me at 7:03 a.m.

Seriously?

“Hello. This is your alarm company. I have an alarm reset. Are you okay?”

Here are all the things wrong with that call. First of all, Ned won that alarm for me at an auction right when I moved in here in September of 2018. Someone we knew had had a personal tragedy, so at a fundraiser for said tragedy he thought, I can help this cause and also help June not get murdered in her new scary hood. He went on to seduce a young woman at said fundraiser who he knew from his old apartment, but that’s not important right now. In all, Ned won everything that night.

When the year of free alarming was up, I opted to cancel my alarm service. I can show you all the lovely email exchange of me canceling it. One wonders, then, why the call AT 7 THIS MORNING.

Also, WTF is an “alarm reset”?

I told them I was okay, and rolled over to slumber anew.

RING!!!!

“hello?” I used my Aunt Kathy voice. When my Aunt Kathy is unwell, she uses this faint, husky phone-answering voice, as though she is almost too weak to form words.

“Hello, Aunt Kathy,” said Ned The Seducer. “Do you have a knife sticking out of you? Your alarm company called.”

“Jesus, really? I don’t HAVE an alarm anymore. They called me too.”

I noted that Ned didn’t try to ask questions in case I was being held hostage or anything. I feel the call was perfunctory in nature.

I puffed the cover around me and was just shutting my—

PING!!!

“God’s NIGHTGOWN!!” I yelled, scaring Iris.

“Are you okay?” Apparently I’d added Wedding Alex to my list of alarm contacts, as she is a grownup. Who’s 20 years younger than me. But really, if the shit went down, who you gonna call? Me? Or Wedding Alex? Exactly.

I texted her the whole cranky story and I could tell she thought I was a fuckin’ B, to steal a line from my cleaning lady Alicia. But really. This, my convalescence, was being usurped by a company that I don’t even PAY. You know, I’d been wondering why it still booped when I opened doors.

“Okay, then. Just checking on you,” she texted, washing her hands of me and coronavirus.

I pulled Iris to me in a nice spoon when

RING!!!!

“CORN NUTS!” I screeched, losing Iris for good.

It was Marty Martin. I told him the entire story, using my sparkling mood delivery system. When it was over, he said, “I’m looking for clues that you’re being held hostage. If you’d said, ‘I’m just lying here enjoying Monty Python,’ I’d know.”

So at least we have a code for next time.

I’ve sent off a terse email to the company, and I’m certain I had the Hawk Look, which is an expression my best friend from high school used to describe my dark moods.

I mean, seriously. Even Mr. Rogers would have said fuck your mother at this point.

Anyway, in case you’re also on the list and about to call me, I’M FUCKING FINE, MCFEELY.

Love, June

39 thoughts on “Alarmed and dangerous

  1. This post cracked me up! I love how you had 5 million people call after the company. What a beloved person you are.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  2. Love is Blind…oh my god…it’s so terrible. I watched every single minute of it.

    I hate Jessica with the fire of a thousand suns. And 34 MY WHOLE ASS.

    I am not in love with Lauren and Cameron the way the rest of the planet seems to be.

    I CACKLED every time someone said “no” at the altar.

    I’d love to hear your thoughts about this, and you should have plenty of them during this, your time of convalescence (a line that also makes me cackle.)

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      1. She really, really is. She looks good on the reunion show though. Gotta give sis props. The whole cast is pretty dreadful.

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  3. Thank you for image of Mr. Rogers saying fuck your mother! Pure gold. I hate interrupted sleep. I am having issues with my parents and controlling siblings so have been short on sleep and long on tears my puffy face looks like I should be convalecing (sp?) But I’m bout to crawl in to bed for a nap and God help the tot I sit for who chooses to interrupt me. Glad there was no imminent danger.

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  4. We’ve had our alarm system for 2 years? 3 years? now and not once have I ever activated the alarm system. Mostly because I know if I did, it would go off because nobody else in the family can remember the damn code. We also have keypad door locks and they will stand there because they don’t have their house key and I’m all “PEOPLE! JUST PUT IN THE DAMN CODE!” To which they reply, “What code?” and that’s when I slaughter them in a rage. Actually, my son is the only one who uses the code to get in the house and that’s because he doesn’t live here any more but comes over to go “shopping” for food and toiletry items.

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  5. my dear departed FIL used to say the ants set off the alarm. (he had Alzheimer’s and we’d get the alarm company call, from 20 mins away… like we’d be of any help at all….we did finally disconnect it when we got him live-in care for more better safety)

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  6. I knew you had surgery. Your alarm company notified me.

    CORN NUTS! is a favorite swear in our house. We also use variations of BS like BARBECUE SAUCE, BARBRA STREISAND and BROWN SUGAR. Somehow WILLIAM SHATNER got into the rotation as well… which makes sense if you’re on a first name basis and call him Bill. Which we are not.

    Somehow I think house alarms end up causing more problems than they prevent. If someone wants to murder me, I’d prefer they just sneak in and do it. The scary alarm going off would just add to the traumatic nature of the whole event.

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  7. Yabut, look at all the people who care enough about you to follow up on your potential murder. Glad you’re okay, June.

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  8. Do you suppose there is someone out there getting chopped to bits wondering why the company they pay to monitor their alarm isn’t checking in on them?

    Also my husband is gone for a bit and left his work iPad which makes some bizarre sound when he gets an email. Everyone in the world seems to email him at 4am and I’m not coherent enough to turn that iPad off! I forget about it again until the next day at 4am when it wakes me.
    I hope it’s battery dies before I smash it with a hammer.

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    1. See. You’re not an anxious attacher. Back when I lived with Ned I realized that the pinging sound I kept hearing was email arriving on his iPod, which I had bought him. You have no idea how many mornings after he left for work I would comb through his email. I am a terrible person. I had a reason to be mistrustful, but I’m still a terrible person.

      >

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      1. You are not a terrible person. Everyone looks through their partner’s stuff. Just not everybody admits it.

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        1. I never looked through Marvin’s stuff. In fact, I was just thinking the other day that that month that we live together when I knew he was moving out, why didn’t I peruse his computer for dating sites or what have you? But it just didn’t ever occur to me.

          >

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      2. When you first described anxious attachers I thought I might be. But now I just think “eh. He’s not that great.”
        I mean I love him and I hope we are married a long time, but I don’t think I have the energy to be anxious about it anymore. Also I’m Heavily medicated for anxiety, so that might be helping me.

        Now that I say this he will probably leave me soon for some 25 year old heifer and I’ll be forced to beat them both to death. I would have the energy for that.

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  9. I’m so glad they didn’t remove your funny. Hilarious post, even if you did keep scaring poor Iris. I agree with the previous comment about the alarm company’s lack of attention to details, that’s the company you really don’t want to monitor your alarm. Our alarm company is very good, when our alarm goes off they immediately call and you only get two (2) attempts at the code before they call the police. I was surprised to hear you recently had surgery, why didn’t you tell us!
    Tee

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    1. Oh, thanks! A few days ago I blogged about family slides, and that was one of them. A reader said I should use it as my blog banner and I immediately did so and gave her no credit. It’s why I’m beloved the world over.

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  10. I had an alarm for years after I cancelled the service and the door things still dinged. I am not sure why!
    Glad you are feeling better and feisty again! Love you

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      1. Tarnation! My husband’s neighbors, when he was a child, used that word all the time. I only know that because of the stories he, my husband, tells about his childhood. He finally wrote a book.
        Tee

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      2. My current favorite swear replacement is “redacted.” As in “come down here and get your redacted backpack off the stairs before I murder you!”
        Let them wonder.

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    1. My current favourite is CURSES! Stepped on cat, CURSES!, bumps into dog, CURSES!, annoying coworker CURSES! to you – and occasionally accompanied by a shaking fist looking at sky.

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  11. If the alarm company can’t even keep track of who’s paying them for their service, I have to wonder about a whole bunch of aspects of their business that might require attention to detail. Happy to hear you are FINE though!

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  12. Glad you’re FUCKING FINE! You should let us know if you have surgery so we can stand in your door and shit. Well, not literally shit. You know what I mean.
    Lovely post, June

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