Fellow hypochondriacs: How YOU doin’?

I’ve been oddly prepared for this whole thing. When I had my (wait for it) SURGERY four weeks ago, they had this little thingie you breathe into so you wouldn’t get pneumonia. For some reason I can’t recall, I brought it home with me. Was I supposed to? Did I steal it? Who knows. That time is but a blur.

The point is, I got it out the other day, thinking maybe this will strengthen my lungs. It’s hard to do, first of all, and now my lungs are kind of sore and the exercise makes me cough and I’m all IT’S PNEUMONIA. Because you know how I am.

My temperature is either 96 or 97 every time I check, so. And by the way, I purchased a thermometer on impulse like two months ago. See? Oddly prepared.

So that’s what I’m like right now. Sort of like always, but now with more reason®.

I get to start working from home tomorrow and I look forward to having to think about Oxford commas instead of pneumonia.

While we’re on the subject, the word is breathe. With an e. If you can’t breathe, or you need to just breathe, it’s an e. If it’s pronounced breeeeeth, it gets an e. If it’s pronounced breth, it does not.

Also, the aisles are empty. Not the isles.

Are we clear on that now?

Meanwhile, when I’m not grimacing at bad spelling on social media, I am getting to witness a lot of this ^^. Who knew these animals slept THIS much? It’s amazing. Why do they need this much rest? What are they training for?

I’m the go-getter of the household, apparently, which is saying something. During this, my convalescence, which has turned into this, my isolation, not only did I turn our family slides the right way, I’m also plowing through the books I’ve started and didn’t finish, because there was a time I would go to work all day, then go work out, then go to a movie or something. Sometimes I used to be gone from the house 12 hours out of 24. Okay, that was relatively rare. But I was always gone 40 hours a week. Now I’ve been here every second since February 18 with the exception of one house party, two trips to the garden store, one doctor visit and one vet visit. In all I think I’ve left the house for five hours.

Oh! And I voted. Another hour.

And a lotta good it did me.

Despite my low association with humanity since Feb. 18, I’m still taking my temperature and pausing dramatically any time I cough. I have GERD and seasonal allergies and mild asthma, but I cough once and begin picking out casket liners.

So that’s how things are going with me, and it’s relaxing, and did I mention I’m glad I can work from home tomorrow? I think I can do a whole day’s worth of work, but we’ll see. I haven’t gotten up early in a month. That alarm’s gonna be unwelcome, is what it will be.

In the comments, let’s not talk of anything scary. Let’s all tell a story of a time we said something hilarious. Or somehow perfect.

Like, this one time? A friend at an old job got this sort of weird love letter on her windshield. The person took the core of a paper towel, the brown part in the middle, ripped it open and wrote on that.

Nothing says, “I’m Prince Charming” like a note on a paper towel roll.

Anyway, my friend read me the note, which was fairly creepy, and when she was done I said, “Well, he’s the quicker picker-upper.”

See? Good lines like that. Oooo, or good things you’re doing to pass the time inside.

Contagiously,
June

50 Comments

  1. I have a giant rat in my garden that eats the sunflower seeds from my bird feeders. I told my friend he was so big he must be raising 4 ninja turtles.

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  2. These stories are great! I can’t remember my one-liners. I am never good at remembering things. So happy you have some work to do. It is nice to feel productive!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  3. One time back in the days I had to work for a living, a client came in walking with a cane that had a duck head on the handle. The other lady in office yelled, “Look, he’s got a dick on his cane!”

    This same lady was having a problem with gas one day. The whole office smelled terrible. I kept saying, “What’s that smell?” She said she didn’t know, the plumber must be down the hall working on a clogged toilet.” Finally she fessed up.

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  4. When I was in college (a LONG time ago) a friend and I went into a building to ask a question about something and she walked up to the counter where some students were in charge and asked her question. The students just sat there and looked at her, blankly. She turned to me and asked, “Am I speaking English?” I thought that was the funniest thing EVER! I’ve used it several times, over the years, and I make myself laugh, every time.

    I love reading everyone’s stories. They’re great!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Some of my favorite humor is in the moment and it doesn’t sound super funny if you weren’t there. One time I was at my parents’ house and they had a old VCR that they’d probably had since VCRs became somewhat reasonable to purchase in the 1980s. The clock on the front flashed 12:00 all the time because despite the marvelous instructions (not) they couldn’t get the clock set. But the flashing was annoying, so they propped a VHS cover to block it. I was over there and said, “You’re in denial,” and we laughed and laughed. Really not funny, but it was at the time.

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  6. After finding out now ex-husband was cheating on me, I found lots of his shitty doings online. He wrote about his new love of his life, that they are the two halves of one soul.

    My dad overheard me saying that to a friend on the phone and said “no, they are two halves of one ass.”

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  7. My some dropped out of Boston University in the middle of the second semester of his freshman year, He probably chose the wrong major or the wrong school, but he was so disillusioned that he was ready to drop out of whole college rat race. “But don’t worry, Mom” he said, “I’m not going to turn into the Unabomber.”

    “No, you’re not!” I snapped. “Ted Kaczynski went Harvard and has a PhD from Michigan!”

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  8. I have a line I use when I want to get students’ attention, giving some kind of talk or another. “In high school, I flunked US History… on purpose.” I give a nice little pause there, and after I say “on purpose” they are all sitting up paying attention.

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  9. When I was younger but already working for The Man, I was standing around with two very funny co-workers when one of them told us he’d heard a vintage commercial on the radio for Neese’s pork sausage, just like when he was a kid. “So it was like Ground Hogs Day,” I said. That was the first time anyone gave me a fist bump.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m a nurse and I still have to work. I’m enjoying the Facebook posts about people calling their dogs and cats their coworkers.

    I feel for all the parents that have kids at home indefinitely. I think I’d rather take my chances with the corona virus than deal with that. Hahahahaha

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  11. First, the title just cracked me up! I suppose I threw out the breathe thingie (I hated that thing) I acquired when I had surgery a little too soon. Darn. I could be exercising my lungs right now. I don’t recall anything funny I’ve said at the moment, but if I think of something I’ll post it, it will help your comment count. Being home is a lot like retirement, in a way, You do realize just how much the cat sleeps and where she sleeps, except for those four days she disappeared a couple of weeks ago, then comes home and acts as though nothing happened. We have been making an effort to walk on days it hasn’t rained and cooking a lot more. So glad you are allowed work a little sooner than six weeks.

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  12. Not something I said but I laughed pretty hard at myself: We were having friends for dinner (pre isolation) and I decided to light two nice candles I hadn’t used lately. I tried & tried (for a ridiculous amount of time) but each time the wick caught it went out. I thought perhaps if I exposed a bit more wick they’d work so I took a sharp knife & dug out some wax. It was only when I tipped it over to dump out the scrapings that I saw the on/off switch on the bottom. I think I have officially turned into my mother.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Just saw on NextDoor that someone went to a neighbor’s house under the roos of selling a Ring doorbell.

    A friend I went to school with is very kind and generous. A year or so ago she saw a homeless man with no shoes and told him to stay where he was and she’d be right back. She went home and grabbed a pair of her husband’s shoes for him. She has practiced other acts of kindness, too. Her latest is buying some kind of inexpensive personal tents to give to homeless people she sees. She saw an older man shuffling down the street and said, “Excuse me, sir. Would you like a tent?” The man said, “What, do I look homeless?!!” Oops.

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  14. This was before the days of social media and memes for everything.

    We drove past a man with silver hair driving a convertible. My son asked why old people buy those and I said it was because now that they don’t have to pay for their kids anymore, they can afford it.

    Then I said “it makes them feel young and hip.”

    My ten year old said “oh old guy. You wouldn’t know hip if you broke it!”

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  15. When I read, “Let’s all tell a story of a time we said something hilarious”, I immediately thought of Just Paula H&B.

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    1. Always with Paula. She’s hilarious constantly.

      I was just about to bring up the hilarious “struttin’ her strudel” line from the comments here in about 2011, but just remembered I made up that line.

      Once my cousin Katie left me a message saying she was sending me some t-shirts that she didn’t like. “You’ll like them, as they have short sleeves, but they aren’t those short sleeves that are so tiny they’re, like, sleeves for amputees.”

      I called her back and said out of all the things she’d ever said, the sleeves for amputees was by far the funniest thing she’d ever said.

      “That was…your line. You said that awhile ago. I was quoting you.”

      I am not only a member of the June Fan Club, I’m the president.

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      1. We all need to think of Katie as our hero now as she is working every day as a nurse in a hospital.

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  16. I was shopping in TJMaxx with my mom a few weeks ago and we’re looking for a fake tree for her living room. They were all too expensive. Mind you, she has enough houseplants to rival Flower Time. After seeing the prices, Ma says, “ well I don’t really need it right away”. And I just muttered, “probably don’t need it at all”. Sales lady heard me & we both cracked up.
    BTW, you all have some very funny stories here. Wish I could do better.

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  17. My husband needed screwdriver bits, and I excitedly told him I had a bunch of bitches. So that’s what we call those bits now – bitches.

    A friend of mine is a mailman, and he told me his route is taking so much longer these days because everyone wants to stop and chat with him!

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  18. A woman I worked with back in the ’80s came in one day and said her teenage daughter had injured her finger very badly, it might need surgery, and whipped out a stack of pictures to show us. This was way back before digital cameras, close-up shots, etc. All we could see was a finger with a red line on it from every possible angle — there were probably 12 photos of the same finger. I looked through them and said, “Well, I guess we should all be glad your husband didn’t have a vasectomy.” OMG, the DEATH GLARE from this woman!

    Looking back, I really was an asshole. But at the time it seemed like a valid observation.

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  19. I used to work at a large law firm and one of the young male associates was about to do his first deposition. The court reporter walked in and she was wearing a very low cut blouse and had very ample breasts threatening to bounce out and join the assembled people. The associate was pacing outside of the room, getting more nervous by the second. I said to him, “You’ll be fine. Just be careful not to say, ‘to the breast of your knowledge…..'”

    Liked by 2 people

  20. When my sister and I were kids (think like 10 and 8) there was a commercial for some kind of processed meat that went “Move over bacon, now there’s something meatier.” One evening when going to brush our teeth for bed, I went into the bathroom where she was already at the sink. I said “move over bacon” and she goes, “now there’s something meatier.” And I peed my pants I was laughing so hard. The End.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Walking home from a bar with my drunken ex oh I was drunk too and he I am the prize whereas I immediately responded the booby prize still cracks me up.

    Also woman at work keeps emailing that she is board…so I respond your a thin wood plank?

    I crack myself up.

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  22. I used to be on the board for my greyhound adoption group. At one meeting the president was talking about picking up an owner surrender. Met the guy in a busy parking lot by the interstate and he just opened up the back of his truck to let the dog jump out. No leash. Nothing. Remember it’s a greyhound -ON LEASH is the first rule. She was so mad and getting so worked up and I finally said, “And that’s why Marcia should never carry a gun!” (We also talked about concealed carry once in awhile because we were mostly women meeting up with strangers sometimes.) The whole table literally choked and spit their drinks. Maybe you had to be there but it was one of the funniest things I ever said.

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  23. Um I just wrote a post about a couple of badly behaved people from Florida at my daughter’s Irish dancing competition. After the altercation, I turned to my friend and said ‘Florida called. They want their ass holes back.’

    Does that count?

    I am enrolled in a writing class so now that I have all 6 kids home I am trying to find time to write. When I am not writing, I watch in amazement at how much food they can eat and what kind of mess they can make. Unreal.

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  24. I don’t “do” funny but I can tells stories about my grandson! Age 7: we are just finishing breakfast at the table. Little guy started demanding something and I mean demanding!
    Me: L, you must have patience!
    L: I don’t do patience.
    That is when my son started choking to hide his laugh.

    L’s parents said that they are afraid that he will become a lawyer or a politician. I said that we can always use a good honest politician or lawyer. The parents then told me that I didn’t really know L. Love that kid but he is a real schmooser!

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  25. When one of my nieces was a baby/toddler she was always putting her hands on my boobs asking “milkies?”

    I would tell her that only mommies had milkies. She would look at me suspiciously and touch them and ask again. Again I would tell her no.

    This happened ALL the time.

    One day I was watching her & after we were in the pool, we were in the bathroom changing and all of the sudden I hear her take a sharp intake of breath. I look down and she’s pointing up at me, and in an accusing tone said, “you DO have milkies!!”

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  26. With my dreadful memory, no good stories to tell, but sometimes I can pull out a good retort or two. When I’ve had to deal with toxic people, I try to hold my tongue, otherwise I know that I’d verbally shred them up into tiny pieces, simply remnants of their former selves.

    In other news… current job project with early training was to begin yesterday. Cancelled. Not happening at all this spring (educational test scoring). So, that’s a negative on the money side of life. No job, no money.

    Positively, in my friends group we have the Tuesday Morning Craft & Coffee Club. Just completed an almost-finished needlepoint project from the past, and now starting on the next one. I’ll be truly doing the Marie Kondo thing on my condo now. More free time. With the gym closed I’ll be walking outside. Thankfully, spring is coming soon. Maybe the sort-of, semi skinny jeans I bought last year will look good after a bit.

    Reading: Educated, by Tara Westover for May book club; two Louise Penny books; The Not So Big Life, by Sarah Susanka. All great, but the library is now closed until April 6. Sadness.

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      1. Educated was a good book but man was it disturbing! I don’t care what anyone says, the one brother is a full-blown homicidal psychopath and the rest of the family are just completely brainwashed members of a fundamental religious cult.

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    1. I really enjoyed Educated, but it will make you want to slap somebody. It’s hard for me to believe that there are people out there who put up with THAT kind of behavior. I kept shaking my head.

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  27. I’m always saying things that my husband thinks are hilarious, but can’t think of anything at the moment. However, to this day we still talk about needing to buy “poothtaste” and wanting to eat “tafos” because of funny things our kids said as children. BTW, I’m so glad you are getting to work at home as I know you’ve been hoping to return to work sooner than later.

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  28. I didn’t say this, but it was hilarious. My husband called our 3 year old granddaughter a kid. She said, “I’m not a kid, I’m a girl”. He said, “You’re a girl, but you’re a kid, too”. With a serious expression she said, “No, I’m just a girl because I have a bagina”. Using a B sound. That shut my husband up!

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  29. I’m a nurse and we had a patient admitted because he had been bitten by a pig. I worked really hard and convinced the resident physician to order “antibiotic oinkment” on his chart.

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    1. Also, my peeve of the day for whatever reason: Water heater. It’s just your water heater. It’s not your hot water heater. I’m glad we had this talk.

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  30. Glad you’re back! Its getting sketchy out here in isolation.I think I’m going to stand on my front porch tomorrow waiting for the mailman. Then I will holler at him and make him carry on a long distance conversation with me. Not a bit crazy!

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    1. I remember my old boyfriend, Cardinal, had an old neighbor who used to talk the mailman’s ear off. Why didn’t we ever go over there and talk to that poor old man ourselves? We knew he was lonely.

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