Wedding Alex is pregnant. I may have already mentioned this to you, because of course there was a tense few weeks where we worried I was the father, but we’ve gotten past that once we remembered I’m a girl. Who has never slept with Wedding Alex.
These times suck for everyone except maybe toilet paper-makers, but I feel particularly bad for people who have huge events planned, like a nice wedding, or one of the many babies I’ve sired is on its way.
W.Alex’s shower was to be this weekend, and of course we had to cancel it, which sucks cause I was ready to hand out cigars.
Every friend I’ve ever had who has had a baby, I’ve claimed to be the father. Every friend I’ve ever had who has had a baby doesn’t think it’s funny. I wish you guys had been around in aught nothing, when my Seattle friend Stacy expressed the wish I’d be there at the birth
—which, why? Would you want me at your birth?—
and I said, “Well, just call me and I’ll jump on a plane.”
And I fekkin’ DID. She called at like 4 a.m., I called the airlines, flew from Los Angeles to Seattle (not that far, really) and was there by the afternoon. I was completely useless the entire time. Ate all the baby’s-coming-celebratory-bagels, though. Delish.
My point is, I was talking to W.Alex about her gift registry, because we, the invitees, fmr., are being generous enough to send her gifts anyway even though we aren’t getting chicken wings and punch at a shower. That’s just who I am. I am a giving person to my core.
“What do you really really want on your registry?” I asked her. She’s Pregnant Spice.
“I guess who Whooobala or the Greee deee beeee dee,” she said, and I kept those mysterious items in my noggin for choosing the prezzy on payday. And by the way, even though there’s this virus
—there seems to be something going around, have you noticed?—
I had an astonishing $80 left over from my last paycheck. I was stunned cause this year I started putting a huge percentage of my check into my Four Oh Wonk, and you can see what a great idea that was. I’m the Gambler. Try my roaster’s chicken.
Oh! Before I press on about W.Alex’s pregnancy and make it about me, I checked in with Howard Stern this morning for the first time in months, and why didn’t I THINK of how he’d be reacting to all this the same way I am? Of COURSE he is. He’s all holed up in this bunker in his Hamptons house (this hood is a lot like the Hamptons). He made his wife sanitize every inch of the bunker after Sirius Radio people came in to set it up for his radio show. Then he didn’t go into it for five days so all the germs could die.
And the best part is, he’s talking to famous people and people on his staff who’ve already gotten coronavirus and asking if they threw up. HE’S ME. “I haven’t vomited since college,” I heard him say.
This is why I like Howard Stern. The anxiety in me sees the anxiety in him. Nervoustay.
Back to Alex. Who, by the way, is not an anxious person. Although this sitch isn’t making her calm as a cucumber, as my mother once said.
So I got on her registry last night, cause we got paid.
I used to be a (terrible) waitress, and the cook (whose name was Cheese) (what made his parents hold him at the hospital and say, “Oh, I know. Cheese! Doesn’t he just LOOK like a Cheese?”) used to always rap, “I just got paid with the money I already spent.”
That was 32 years ago. And the grate words of Cheese still live inside me. He was sharp. Seriously I think of that line all the time. Even though this pay period it wasn’t true. See above reference to a big 80 bucks.
SO I GET ON THE REGISTRY, which is conveniently located in one place now, then you click Buy This Gift and it inconveniently takes you to an actual store’s website, where it doesn’t automatically know Wedding Alex’s address.
But here’s the reason I’m telling you all this, because at this point you must be all, Oh my god why are you telling me all this. It’s possible you’ve been saying that since my first blog post in aught 6.
This reason I’m telling you all this is because I have no idea what baby needs are. I mean, don’t you just feed them and put them in a walnut shell to sleep or what have you? There were all sorts of things where I’m all, what the hell do you do with this?
There’s this big plastic thing that looks like maybe if you’re considering melting the baby, you can pour it into this plastic thing to remold it. Is this, like, the uvula mold? In case you decide to melt your baby to make it into an uvula shape? That’s probably it.
There’s this flat round thing. It looks like what photographers use, that thing they hold up and it …shines a light on the model, maybe? So maybe the flat round thing is for photographing your baby. Oooo, or maybe it’s a tanning blanket. I’ll bet that’s it. Does it reflect?
There are woodsy animals on it. Is it for, like, if you decide to leave your baby in the woods for someone else to find?
Okay, I’m gettin’ the hang of these things now. This is to make nipple-shaped toast. Cause it’s on your mind already, so you want your toast shaped like what your baby is eating. Got it.
Maxi pads. For baby’s first period.
Anyway, I gotta go. I gotta go work, and I’d tell you what I bought Wedding Alex’s baby, Baby Wedding, but I don’t want to spoil the surprise if W.Alex should read this hard-hitting piece.
I’m available for all baby showers and also baby births, as long as there are celebratory bagels.