Babe in the woods, or, nervoustay

Wedding Alex is pregnant. I may have already mentioned this to you, because of course there was a tense few weeks where we worried I was the father, but we’ve gotten past that once we remembered I’m a girl. Who has never slept with Wedding Alex.

These times suck for everyone except maybe toilet paper-makers, but I feel particularly bad for people who have huge events planned, like a nice wedding, or one of the many babies I’ve sired is on its way.

W.Alex’s shower was to be this weekend, and of course we had to cancel it, which sucks cause I was ready to hand out cigars.

Every friend I’ve ever had who has had a baby, I’ve claimed to be the father. Every friend I’ve ever had who has had a baby doesn’t think it’s funny. I wish you guys had been around in aught nothing, when my Seattle friend Stacy expressed the wish I’d be there at the birth

—which, why? Would you want me at your birth?—

and I said, “Well, just call me and I’ll jump on a plane.”

And I fekkin’ DID. She called at like 4 a.m., I called the airlines, flew from Los Angeles to Seattle (not that far, really) and was there by the afternoon. I was completely useless the entire time. Ate all the baby’s-coming-celebratory-bagels, though. Delish.

My point is, I was talking to W.Alex about her gift registry, because we, the invitees, fmr., are being generous enough to send her gifts anyway even though we aren’t getting chicken wings and punch at a shower. That’s just who I am. I am a giving person to my core.

“What do you really really want on your registry?” I asked her. She’s Pregnant Spice.

“I guess who Whooobala or the Greee deee beeee dee,” she said, and I kept those mysterious items in my noggin for choosing the prezzy on payday. And by the way, even though there’s this virus

—there seems to be something going around, have you noticed?—

I had an astonishing $80 left over from my last paycheck. I was stunned cause this year I started putting a huge percentage of my check into my Four Oh Wonk, and you can see what a great idea that was. I’m the Gambler. Try my roaster’s chicken.

Anyway.

Oh! Before I press on about W.Alex’s pregnancy and make it about me, I checked in with Howard Stern this morning for the first time in months, and why didn’t I THINK of how he’d be reacting to all this the same way I am? Of COURSE he is. He’s all holed up in this bunker in his Hamptons house (this hood is a lot like the Hamptons). He made his wife sanitize every inch of the bunker after Sirius Radio people came in to set it up for his radio show. Then he didn’t go into it for five days so all the germs could die.

And the best part is, he’s talking to famous people and people on his staff who’ve already gotten coronavirus and asking if they threw up. HE’S ME. “I haven’t vomited since college,” I heard him say.

This is why I like Howard Stern. The anxiety in me sees the anxiety in him. Nervoustay.

Back to Alex. Who, by the way, is not an anxious person. Although this sitch isn’t making her calm as a cucumber, as my mother once said.

So I got on her registry last night, cause we got paid.

I used to be a (terrible) waitress, and the cook (whose name was Cheese) (what made his parents hold him at the hospital and say, “Oh, I know. Cheese! Doesn’t he just LOOK like a Cheese?”) used to always rap, “I just got paid with the money I already spent.”

That was 32 years ago. And the grate words of Cheese still live inside me. He was sharp. Seriously I think of that line all the time. Even though this pay period it wasn’t true. See above reference to a big 80 bucks.

SO I GET ON THE REGISTRY, which is conveniently located in one place now, then you click Buy This Gift and it inconveniently takes you to an actual store’s website, where it doesn’t automatically know Wedding Alex’s address.

But here’s the reason I’m telling you all this, because at this point you must be all, Oh my god why are you telling me all this. It’s possible you’ve been saying that since my first blog post in aught 6.

This reason I’m telling you all this is because I have no idea what baby needs are. I mean, don’t you just feed them and put them in a walnut shell to sleep or what have you? There were all sorts of things where I’m all, what the hell do you do with this?

There’s this big plastic thing that looks like maybe if you’re considering melting the baby, you can pour it into this plastic thing to remold it. Is this, like, the uvula mold? In case you decide to melt your baby to make it into an uvula shape? That’s probably it.

There’s this flat round thing. It looks like what photographers use, that thing they hold up and it …shines a light on the model, maybe? So maybe the flat round thing is for photographing your baby. Oooo, or maybe it’s a tanning blanket. I’ll bet that’s it. Does it reflect?

There are woodsy animals on it. Is it for, like, if you decide to leave your baby in the woods for someone else to find?

Okay, I’m gettin’ the hang of these things now. This is to make nipple-shaped toast. Cause it’s on your mind already, so you want your toast shaped like what your baby is eating. Got it.

Maxi pads. For baby’s first period.

Anyway, I gotta go. I gotta go work, and I’d tell you what I bought Wedding Alex’s baby, Baby Wedding, but I don’t want to spoil the surprise if W.Alex should read this hard-hitting piece.

I’m available for all baby showers and also baby births, as long as there are celebratory bagels.

Procreatively,
June

35 Comments

  1. Congratulations, Wedding Alex. Sorry about the Corona virus but other than that, June 1 is a lovely time to have a baby. Maybe we will still be isolated and you can actually recover and have time to yourself and your baby and your husband. Notice where “your baby” is? Right between you and your husband. Yup. Gonna be like that for a long time.

    Motherhood produces some wondrous and weird hormones which translate into wondrous and weird behavior. Some mothers easily pass their babies around. Some don’t want anyone to TOUCH their babies. I got extremely nervous if somebody looked at my baby for what I considered to be too long. Wanted to screech, “Get away from my baby! Stop looking! Get away! Get away!” Yup, adoptive mothers develop the same wondrous and weird behaviors.

    I used to think I was the only one who counted months and then years between “spit ups”. Record is 27 years!! Then I learned about June, and then my step-son, and now Howard Stern. What werid company I’m in.

    Great post, June bug.

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  2. Hilarious post! I’m sure W.Alex will be very appreciative of your sincere generosity for the baby gift. If you happen to find out what those pictured items are for it would be nice to know information.
    Tee

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  3. ” In case you decide to melt your baby to make it into an uvula shape”
    Rolling on the floor laughing. That’s priceless, June.

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  4. Hilarious, June!
    I’m so happy for W. Alex! I’m sure she’ll be a wonderful mom! She’ll love the Bumbo.

    Last night we watched A River Runs Through It, and holy smoke it was boring! I fell asleep for a few minutes in the middle, woke up to realize exactly nothing had happened in my absence. We watched Bombshell a few nights ago and I’m still shaking off the heebie jeebies. Those men were deplorable!! 🤮
    Anyone seen the Two Popes?

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  5. Snort laughed guffawed my way through this lovely post. Thank you so much – can’t wait for the shower !

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  6. Poor Wedding Alex having all the fun sucked out of her baby shower by the damn virus. At least everyone will stay at home once the baby arrives.There’s nothing worse than having to entertain people who want to touch your baby when you are a new mom and tired.

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  7. Wow. All this baby stuff well most of it, was so new to me! The baby mold is adorable though and of course – the nipple toast! e gads.
    I got by on soooo much less when my babies were born – but hey – lol that baby butt cream spreader sent me into near convulsions. She is in for some bigggg surprises… ha ha

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  8. Thanks for your continuous blogging, it is a bright spot in an otherwise dreary time. Damp ham and nipple toast, the best. And I love me some Howard too, although he made me wonder if I was cleaning my blueberries correctly!

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  9. Are you kidding me with these baby things? My babies are in their thirties (ok the BAYBEE will be 29 mid-COVID-19 isolation) and I have no idea what half of these things are. I guess I should be glad we at least had disposable diapers back there in the dark ages.

    This is like when I finally got a car made in this century and I don’t need a key and I don’t have to turn my head to back up (I still do) and the mirrors tell me if I can change lanes (I still turn my head then, too). I feel like the car doesn’t need me.

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  10. *In case you decide to melt your baby* – so funny. I babysit in my house while my kids are at school – cause that sounds fun, right? Anyway, the things these new babies show up with at my house. Part of me is like, well this is genius and the other part of me (the old school part) is like, you don’t need this, the original way is just as easy and probably cheaper. My 6 kids are 12 up to 21 -and they are all home with me and life with all of them here unable to go to sports, school, friends’ houses, jobs is a world I could never have imagined. And now I know why.

    One mom keeps a spatula like looking thing in her diaper bag – it is miniature. Guess what – it if for spreading butt cream. She’s grossed out by spreading butt cream. Oh, sista – it’s gonna be a long ride through motherhood if THAT grosses you out.

    I agree – you would be hilarious to follow through a baby section of any store. This post was hilarious from start to finish. Thanks!

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  11. I’d use some of this ass time to knit that baby a sweater if I could knit a sweater. Also: Damp Ham. We’ve all known a few.

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  12. The baby mold is an awesome item. Basically it lets the baby sit up, usually on a table. Lets them look around and work on their balance. Highly recommend

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  13. I attended two births (my baby sister’s sons ) and got zero celebratory bagels. Lu annoy.

    I don’t know what most of that baby gear is either.

    Howard Stern must be amazing during this. I like him too.

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  14. I don’t know what most contemporary baby items there are because I had my babies 40 years ago. So much strange stuff! In high school and college everyone called my son Cheese. His roommate didn’t know his real name.

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  15. It’s called a ring light. The Kardahians use it for their driver’s license photos. Not kidding.

    Those alien Maxi Pads are spooky.

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  16. P.S. Wedding Alex just alerted me that the app tells her when she gets a gift, so you can all know I got her the baby mold, for an uvula-shaped baby. It seemed like it might come in handy.

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  17. Oh my god. The grate words of cheese. So sharp. It doesn’t get any cheddar than than. How can anyone Brie bleu around you? You’re just too gouda.

    OK. I’ll stop. But you feta believe I’ll be laughing all day.

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  18. Funny girl. I come for the sense of humor and stay for the learning of baby item possibilities.
    How can anyone read this and not laugh . Thanks for you, from me.

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  19. I would pay money to follow you through the baby section of Bed, Bath and Beyond and have you guess what all the stuff is.

    Congrats to Wedding Alex!! When is she due? I mean, I know it’s hard for you to keep up with the birth dates of all your progeny, but maybe, since it’s Wedding Alex, you know this one.

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    1. June 1! I know this because I just looked at her registry last night. As we all know painfully too well, I guess. Anyway. A little Gemini.

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      1. Now we know what the “Beyond” section is.
        Thank you for making me laugh so hard today.

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