I sure haven’t flattened THESE curves

I’m here in my home office.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, that’s rich. I have a laptop on my, you know, lap, in the living room, on the couch. With Colonel Mustard. Why is it spelled that way? “Colonel.” How is that even pronounced kernel? Why isn’t it colo-nolo-lull? Speaking of which, the things you guys told me in the comments yesterday were LIKE TO KILL ME. Olives are the same, just green if they’re less ripe and black if they’re ripe ripe? REALLY? PEPPERS ARE THE SAME TOO? COME ON!!

Anyway, my fatness. Is why I gathered you all here today.

Work has been kicking my sizeable arse all the way to Arseville, and I like how “arse” is somehow not a swear. All you did was add an R to a bad word. Fruck that.

Anyway, since it’s been so busy, which srucks, after my day is done all I can do is lie listlessly and that means I’m not exercising. That means I am Mrs. Potatohead-shaped. No one wants to brang Mrs. Potatohead. No one wants to give Mrs. P the hrigh hrard one. Well. Probably Mr. Potatohead does. Were there any new potatoes in that family or what? Did Mr. Potatohead have to go back in his … back door and get out his potato prenis to brang Mrs. Potatohead?

This is why I should not be locked down in a pandemic. I act like my brain is less ridiculous when the whole world is healthy.

By the way, while I write you, I’m watching the Adventures of Teresa, the poor soul shopping for my groceries over there at the Corona Lion grocery store. Also, if that isn’t weird enough, watching someone shop for you, Lily is tearing around the house pouncing on things. She’s running sideways and chirping and galloping and I’d get up and film it for you but my arse is dragging.

Anyway, first, beleaguered Teresa replaced my Heinz ketchup with some other brand. (“Teresa is replacing June’s ketchup with another brand. Let’s see what happens.”) Hooo care. But then…

I KNEW IT. Who do I have to fruck around here to get some groddram BLEACH? I thought all you heifers were SO into NATURAL cleansers with your white VINEGAR and your positive thoughts and your crystals. NOW LOOK AT YOU. Stealing all my bleach.

I WAS USING HARSH CHEMICALS BEFORE IT WAS COOL.

Shrit.

Anyway, I have been awake for ages, because there was a thunderstorm in the middle of the night, and now that the dog and I have spent nearly every second in the same room since February 18, we are psychically bonded, so I woke up knowing he was waking up. The best part of waking up, is psychic-ing with your pup.

No no no no no. She’s replacing my regular CAT FOOD with some OTHER cat food, and what the HELL, Teresa? What fresh cat food hell are you bringing me? Goddammit. This pandemic sucks my rass.

Back to Eds.

I knew he was down there scared, and it’s hard for him to pull his old hips up on the bed with me, but he did it, and next thing you know he was lying across the other pillow and I was spooning him and petting his head, and eventually I got him to sleep and I lay there with dog hip on my face till the birds started chirping, and that’s when you know you’re frucked. The birds start and you know you can’t go back to sleep.

She just replaced my soy chicken nuggies. Soy chicken nugs are MY ONLY JOY LEFT RIGHT NOW. Gol’ DANGit.

I know I am jumping about with 17 subjects, but Lily just slapped Iris clean across the face. Lily, just this week, started very tentatively going outside with me, and nibbling grass delicately, and very femininely vomiting said grass onto the patio, using a lace hanky to dab at her cat lips after. The point is, outdoors has brought her new life or something. Who even is she? That’s was Iris would like to know, with her new black eye, feat. Lily.

THEY’RE OUT OF MY BROCCOLI TOTS? DRAMMIT, Teresa.

I realize it’s not Teresa’s fault. I also realize that THIS IS THE DAY you quit me, after 13 years of me blogging, because OH MY GOD STICK TO ONE TOPIC, JUNE.

Okay, here’s a little bit of hope: Teresa replaced my regular taquitos with EXTRA-CRISPY taquitos. At least I have that.

I’d better go, as work is before me, finally, and it won’t be long before Teresa is here with a mallet to club me to death. At least I know she won’t club me to death with a tub of bleach.

Cohesively,
June

P.S. The irony of talking about my potato shape and simultaneously rejoicing in extra-crispy taquitos is not lost on me. On the other hand, I have extra-crispy taquitos and you don’t.

46 thoughts on “I sure haven’t flattened THESE curves

  1. I keep forgetting to come over here and read the happenings of June. Then I come over here and she is all over the place. Geeze June. Ok, I admit it, I love it.
    My Kahuna and I tried the Wal-mart curbside pick-up. Not once did I hear from Ned (yes my shopper was named Ned) saying he had to substitute or replace or not get an item for me. That was two weeks ago. We tried it again yesterday and all I got was someone named Sam telling me that the item was no longer available. I am just telling all you people out there who are hoarding vegan burgers and gluten-free bread, to knock it off. I mean really, you know you don’t REALLY enjoy that stuff and if you aren’t suffering from a meat allergy or suffer from Celiacs why the fuck are you eating gluten-free anything. I would love me some gluten. I would just slather it on my body and lick it right off. I dream of whole wheat yeast rolls and big juicy steaks. Sorry, I lost my mind there for a bit.

    As for the whole stay at home in isolation thing, it is just another day for me. Happy Easter Y’all.

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  2. My son is 3 and a half years old. Havent taken him to preschool since a week before they closed, and they sent us his assignments for the day every morning, which were A Lot. Thankful for the distraction, tho, and he enjoys doing homework but leaves me drained, I would kiss his teachers if social distancing allowed; I dont know how they do it. All of this to say that I just now had the time to read your past ten posts on this non blog and enjoyed them thoroughly, bless your Brain and your faithful readers, I really needed those laughs

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  3. Oh woe is me! Well, when all of this started, I had plenty of toilet paper. Now, I have 7 rolls left – plus what is on the roller. I do have a lot of tissues though. However, I am really trying to understand WHY do we not have TP? Geez. And paper towels – I was able to buy a big pack for $25 at Safeway at the beginning of this – on March 13. It seems really silly that we have no TP. Yeah – not meaning to harp on it but what are y’all doing to get some? Cannot order on line! And tonight I found that Sam’s Club is out of stock in canned green beans. I usually buy a few cases as Marley eats that as part of his meals. So now what? And ya know, I would go to the store early in the morning but I’m thinking that it won’t matter. Sigh….
    Just my two cents. I really want to know how to get some toilet paper though.

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    1. We went into the store last Sunday to procure toilet paper for our house and my parents’ house. We’re trying to avoid going in, generally; using Walmart’s pick-up service since getting a slot with the service at our preferred store is like trying to win the lottery, i.e. impossible.) My husband called the store to say, “Do you ever get any in?” and the guy said they’d gotten a larger pallet than normal and there was actually some on the shelves. So we wore our painter’s masks and also grabbed Easter candy for my daughter because I am a sap and you had to walk by it to get to the TP aisle. My sister-in-law said she had luck at the Dollar General.

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    2. If you are desperate for TP, try a camping-type store or RV store. They usually still have it in stock and it is biodegradable. IF you are desperate. It’s not the best IMHO.

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  4. I go grocery shopping every other day or so. I know im living large but I have to get out. And i keep hoping for that elusive hand sanitizer. I finally got my self a pack of TP about a week ago? Straight feom my dealer. Anywho. Loved the post.

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  5. When all this first started my mom’s friend placed a grocery order that included toilet paper. When she got her order they replaced the toilet paper with a ream of copy paper. She was so mad! I’m still howling about it.

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  6. I’m doing online ordering for my groceries as well, and doing drive-by pickup. In the past they would substitute with a similar item and usually they did a good job but sometimes their choices were baffling. Once they were out of Crystal Light packets so they gave me a big bottle of full sugar lemonade. Not quite the same. Anyway, they suspended substitutions entirely for now so every time I go about half my order is on the top of the receipt as “unable to provide.” I take that list and go to another store across the street and quickly gather things while trying not to breathe. I understand why they aren’t doing substitutions, but in some cases it’s so silly. I’ll order a specific size and brand of tortilla, for example, and they see they’re out of that exact size and brand but that brand has another version that’s 1/4″ smaller or they that same size in a different brand but they can’t substitute because company policy right now is no subs. Silly.

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    1. I feel like it really depends on the shopper (and probably the store/service). In my last order via Instacart, I ordered one big bag of brown sugar. They were apparently out of it, but she just picked me up three small bags that equaled the same amount and didn’t even flag it as a replacement, which seemed reasonable to me.

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  7. I haven’t been in a store in nearly a month and I intend to keep it that way. I do curbside pick up for regular groceries, and I did one big Instacart Costco order this week which will last a while. I’m shopping for my parents and for us, so it’s a lot. There are certainly some things we would like to have and can’t get, but all in all we’ve been happy. For curbside pick up at my store, the shopper lets you know about substitutions, but right now you must accept them all or reject them all – no picking and choosing, so that’s a drag. Grocery shopping is one of my least favorite tasks in life, so I’m VERY grateful for the technology that allows me to sit in my jammies on the couch and click, click, click an order.
    Shrit!! I’ll giggle about that all day!
    Stay well, friends!

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  8. My taquitos were also replaced with extra crispy taquitos…they were less filled, had extra peppers, and were spicier, but delightfully crispy! I loved them. My husband was not a fan, and I can only assume most others agree with him since that’s the only kind in stock?

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  9. I went to two stores yesterday. One was amazing, monitoring the number of people coming in and out, an employee cleaning carts, and most everyone gloved and masked. They even had an employee out there playing guitar to the customers in the morning. Next store was business as usual and customers with no masks or gloves. I usually have five stores I rotate between to get what I like, so that needs to stop! I am a fussbudget and don’t even like my husband to shop unless we plan to eat sausage, tri-tip and wine! So letting a stranger shop for me would really mess with my control issues.

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  10. I hit Walmart at 7am today, they have everything I need EXCEPT toilet paper, what the hell, can’t they make more by now??? My store was very empty and I really am not nervous about going.

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    1. Apparently, there really is a toilet paper shortage and not just because everyone hoarded it at the start of the stay-at-home orders. The manufacturing and supply cannot keep up with the demand at this time.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Somehow, in this day and age, that just seems wrong to me, not to be able to make enough toilet paper. After the initial hoard, it would seem it should be back to “business as usual”, so to speak.
        All these stories are great. Thanks June.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I read an article about this subject today. It’s not a shortage in the usual sense. It’s just that they had the demand/supply chain down to a science and the sudden increase in demand threw the whole system out of whack. The factories already run round the clock, so they can’t increase production… all they can do is their best to keep up until they catch up. They also have a big supply of commercial TP that no one is buying with all the businesses that are shut down. My son bought a case for his house – his wife was thrilled with the rolls that are six times larger than a household size role. #hero

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          1. They should use cats…they can unroll a roll of toilet paper like no body’s business.
            Maybe to roll it up.
            Okay though too, it has been 2 months. Let’s turn the speed up on the machines.

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  11. Today, April 8th, it was snowing and 27 degrees this morning. Now it’s sunny. Maybe I can go for a walk. I’m bored and bought ice cream. I’m also grouchy. Today is my day to apply for unemployment. My work friends have received their payments already from applying last week. Our staycations (that’s what I decided to call it) will now extend to May 4th. I do hope I don’t get the virus, but am trying to remain positive. Thanks for being here, June. It helps.

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  12. I’ve used Shipt three times and each time the person texts me and asks if I want to substitute and then gives me options. I guess that is what I picked when I signed up but now I get to do the same for my mom’s grocery deliveries. Heaven help me and the shopper when we get to that order!

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  13. I just did a Target order and my gosh. Who would have thought epson salts would be unavailable or limited?

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    1. Also, Gillette shaving gel. Um, seems to me the men are not bothering to shave much. Weird.

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  14. Oh my frucking gosh thanks for the porno potatoe head play by play. Prenis . . . gold. I love the just-add-an-R idea.

    We are still going to the grocery store- trying to limit to once a week. Coach and I look like hoarders. We aren’t hoarding- just feeding a small army. My 4 sons alone eat like full grown men, or more. Coach and I shopped Sat night and spent $648. That was a record for us but we were out of lots of things.

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  15. This is exactly why I have a hard time jumping on the online grocery shopping bandwagon. When I’m at the store and they are out of something, that might change three other things on my list. I’m not a linear shopper is what I’m saying. And I don’t accept brand substitutes. I am brand loyal.

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  16. I used Peapod for twenty plus years. You don’t follow Peapod around the store. I used InstaCart once and I was irked with the store-following. With Peapod you select possible substitutions ahead of time. But anyway, that is all moot now because I haven’t been able to get a grocery order delivered in WEEKS. Fortunately, at my advanced age, I am permitted to go to the store Sweet Jesus O’Clock and do my shopping before the TP hoarders arrive.

    And of course Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead banged. Resulting in Tater Tots.

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  17. Love, love, love this porst! This is the way my brain works, jumping all over the place, I don’t understand why others can’t just follow along. Grocery shopping, THAT’S a prime example as to why I didn’t like online shopping. The person doing my shopping DIDN’T examine every bag of broccoli to make sure they selected the best looking bag available and the celery she selected wasn’t very fresh. So, I’ve been getting up in the middle of the night to shop on the senior citizens days (each store is a different day and time, which I suppose is good if you want to shop more than one store) in order to get the best selection of the items I need. I have been wearing rubber gloves, using my own disinfectant wipes to use on the buggy (cart) and this week I added a face mask, in fact, most of the shoppers, old people, were wearing masks (WHY WASN’T THE YOUNG STORE CLERKS WEARING MASKS, they are the carriers!) I told a young male to watch his distance, because he was getting too close for MY comfort and he LAUGHED! I told him it wasn’t funny! I haven’t been to my favorite store, Aldi, since March 13 (it was AWFUL that day) and I so want to shop there, but their stores are small and waaayy too many people shop there. Back on March 12th Sam’s had lots of paper products in stock and everyone was calm. That seems like such a long time ago. Will we ever return to “normal” shopping? I suppose I would be considered a hoarder because since Y2K preparation I have always kept a supply of toilet paper, paper towels, bleach and other cleaning supplies.

    My grandmother used to say, “the cat’s a playin, there’s goin to be bad weather.” We always laughed at her western North Carolina sayings, that’s where she grew up, until we had cats and started to notice they would go nuts before bad weather. Yep, we had a storm this morning, Tuesday night my cat was going crazy running around, which is highly unusual for her, then yesterday she brought me a gift (dead squirrel) and was proudly bringing it inside, I saw her trotting across the patio with that critter in her mouth and started running to the door screaming at her. She quickly dropped the gift.
    Tee

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    1. The wisdom of grandmothers. I wished for mine during menopause. I felt she would have had some good old fashioned advice for me. We never got around to that topic before she died.
      I feel the same way about Aldis. Their parking lot is packed and the store is just too small, which I normally enjoy.

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  18. I saw a meme or something where all these TP hoarders were trying to RETURN whole cart (buggy for the Southern peeps) fulls of their stash! But apparently stores aren’t taking it back so I think that is justice but then I think about the people who need said TP. Lu annoy. Fruck that!

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  19. It’s Terea shopping for you, not Teresa. I only correct you because Terea is one of those made-up names. Her mom thought she was being creative and clever, but in reality just sentenced her daughter to a lifetime of irritation because no one ever gets her name right.

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    1. You are so right! I have an unusual name and have had to spell and pronounce my name all my life. People, don’t give your children stupid names.
      Tee

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      1. Even worse is “creative spelling” for common names. If you want to name your kid Ian name him Ian. Don’t be cute and spell it “Eighahn.” I girl I worked with wanted to do this for her son until us coworkers managed to convince her that all this would do is subject the poor kid to a lifetime of explaining how to pronounce his name and correcting the jillions of mispronunciations and misspellings.

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  20. So, never having done the online shop before, is that how it all works? You see what the person is doing? Are they doing as they are walking around the store or just sitting at their desk before they actually start retrieving the items? I’ve wanted to try the online but was nervous about the whole out of stock/ replacing things issue. Also? Greenville has no toilet paper or bleach either, and I am so angry about the hoarders I could just go mad.

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    1. Yes, you can sit on your phone/computer and see what they’re substituting and approve or disapprove of it. It’s kind of handy. This is using Instacart, BTW.

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      1. I just started using Instacart this last month. I have to put in my order about 2 weeks before things can be delivered, so need to stay on top of it. But I really like it so far. The toilet paper/paper towel thing is hit-or-miss around here. I hate the 15-20% tip, which adds up to a ton of money, but the shoppers have to eat too. And, did you see the L.A. Times article today that said the CDC says to NOT wash our fruit/vegetables with soap to get rid of the virus? Apparently, it is a bad idea, and we should only wash the food right before we eat it. So much conflicting information. out there.

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    2. Instacart shoppers are not grocery store employees. They are independent contractors who just go to the store for you. A friend of mine had a shopper substitute corn starch for powdered sugar today. That’s one of the worst subs I’ve ever seen. I usually have pretty good luck with substitutions.

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