I once read that if you look at Sophia Loren’s features individually, they aren’t that great. But if you smoosh those features together, somehow it results in Sophia Loren, and she’s lovely.
I tell you this not only because I’ve been cooped up with animals like Joseph in a manger and think odd things now, but also because I was thinking about myself.
No one gives Joseph any credit, by the way. Not only did he marry someone who was having someone else’s baby, he also had to sit around in a cold manger on Christmas. Wise Men brought him bupkis. And there had to be zero cell reception out there.
Anyway, what I mean is, when you think about all my personality traits individually, I have all the traits people don’t like. I’d like to think I’m in the wrong era, the way we do about women with Rubenesque bodies in 2020, but I don’t think it works that way for personalities. I think my traits have always been eschewed.
First of all, you might not have noticed this but I have dramatic delivery. I don’t mean to have dramatic delivery. It just comes out that way. Sometimes I’ll see a video of myself and think, Oh my god calm down. When I’m talking, I don’t realize I’m lifting my eyebrows to kingdom come and emphasizing every third word breathlessly like I’m starring in a 9th-grade play. It’s just how it comes out of me.
Also, I’m self-centered. Again, I don’t MEAN to be. Sometimes—I mean, back when we could stand in groups of three and talk to each other, sometimes one person will be telling a story, and the other listener responds before I do. “What did you do after you stabbed him?” the other listener will ask.
And I’ll think, DANG. It did not occur to be to ask a follow-up Q. I was so gonna lunge into the tale of when I stabbed something with my steely knife but I just couldn’t kill the beast. I mean, my go-to is to reply with a story about myself.
I’m telling you all this not because I think you don’t already know I’m repugnant. You must, by now. Oh, and don’t forget my cranky side! That’s another charming bit of my pers.
Also I make up abbreviations like “pers.”
But I’m TELLING you all this–
–don’t forget about my ADD, and how I can never get to the point!
I’m TELLING you all this because on Saturday I had the trainer at 10. I set my alarm for 8, so I’d have time to eat protein and put on my leotard so on. Then when I woke up on my own, totally rested, I knew it was bad. IT WAS 20 MINUTES TO 10. Why didn’t my DING DANG alarm work?
Don’t forget my organizational skills! Another winning personality trait.
I had just enough time to medicate the dog, feed the cats, let everyone in and out and in and out and squeeze box, then I pulled on a sports bra and just kept my pajamas on.
I did, however, take time to pull down the little headband I use to wash my face, so it looked like a sweatband, and launched into Physical as soon as my trainer turned on her Zoom. Look how appalled Edsel is.
My headband is pink, with gold sparkles, and has bunny ears. I’m 54 years old. See? Horrific personality traits.
Halfway through, my trainer’s dog ran to the door in alarm. “I am so sorry,” the trainer said. “Keep doing your crunches and I’ll be right back.” What’s sad is I really kept doing my crunches. When she came back, I asked, “Who was at your door?”
“Oh, another client dropped off a bottle of wine for me and treats for the dogs.”
“In a million years, it would never occur to me to go out and get you a little gift,” I said. It really wouldn’t. I have no nurturing gene. I guess some women just zip around town, even during a plague, leaving gifts for people.
“I know you wouldn’t,” she said, “but I like you anyway.”
See? I’m Sofia Loren. Despite these personality traits that suck, like four people still like me.