forked flick

I was screwing around with my blog settings the other day; I can never find what I’m looking for in these settings. I’m like U2; I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

But remember when we were all quilt squares when we commented? Well. YOU were. I used my baby picture. The other day, I found a way to change our quilt squares to monsters. That was exciting for like a day, but then I wanted to change them to something else. It took 48 days to find where to do that. After wandering in the desert of WordPress for 40 years, I finally changed our little icons to … what even are they? But while I was searching, while I was in the desert and passed Jim Morrison doing peyote, I saw a button that said, “Advertise on WordPress!”

I can advertise on WordPress? I used to advertise using the Amazon, but they were such jerks with their rules that I said forget it. Plus also I don’t like how they treat their workers.

So I clicked on “Advertise with WordPress” or whatever. When I look at this blog I can’t see any ads, or maybe sometimes I see, like, an ad for WordPress itself. “WordPress. We don’t treat our workers like dung. WordPress.”

Anyway, that’s why there are ads here now, to answer the 29493249492 emails I’ve been getting about it. If it actually makes me any money I’ll keep it up because I’m as uncertain about my future as you are. So if you can just sort of tolerate them, I would appreciate it. I’d say if you can just tolerate them during this difficult time, but if I see that phrase one more time Ima plotz.

Also I have no idea where to go back to turn the ads off. So.

Meanwhile, back at the millhouse, who is sick of thinking her sore throat is the end of her? Is it me? I’ve literally had a sore throat every single day since March, and it’s either psychosomatic or allergies, or I have the longest mildest case of COVID ever. It’s like COVID .09.

I keep thinking I should take a Claritin, but I’m one of those people who takes any allergy pill at all and 10 minutes after dips herself in honey and rolls herself in golden feathers and walks about the neighborhood chanting in tongues. I act like they used to act on Dragnet when the hippies smoked the pot.

Oh! Speaking of tongues!

This weekend I went to my flower bed in my front yard because out of nowhere it was COVERED in the filmy purple weeds that are annoying me and destroying my whole Flower Lewk® I’ve got going. So on Sunday I pulled on a pair of actual pants, like workout pants as opposed to pajamas, and started pulling those filmy weeds.

I was about 15 minutes in when my actual pants and I hunkered over to a new section, pulled, and?

Snake.

Tee, don’t read this. Although Tee already saw this on Facebook and got the vapors then.

You know, the whole time I’ve lived in North Carolina, which is almost 13 years now, this hasn’t happened to me. It’s very snakey here and I’ve feared it. I fear the writher. I’ve been on walks where people say, “Oh, look, there’s a snake” but I’ve never discovered one on my own.

It was weird, cause for a split second I sort of said, Oh, there’s a snake slithering at me, all calm like. And then I screeched, like a normal person, and leaped out of my flower bed and into the road, also like a normal person. Then I sort of gyrated about, screeching manfully, and flailed my arms about, panicked, because I was convinced there were 40 snakes hanging off me like I was Medusa. Eventually, I sort of sat on my car, shaking, watching the snake, who was sort of S-shapedly sitting on a garden rock, staring at me.

watssssss wif laydeeee? [forked flick]

Anyway, very scientific research reveals it was a garter snake, and I’m not even getting married, and frankly if I’m going to be terrified and flail about in my yard, I’d have preferred it was a cobra, which is what Ima stick with when I repeat this tale to my grandchildren.

Many years ago, I broke up with someone on September 7. I’m good with dates. Anyway, on September 21, I was at the bar I went to regularly, and in he walked with a new woman. I had the same reaction to them as I did the snake. My first reaction was, Hunh. There’s the love of my life with another woman. Then a few moments later I threw my wallet at his head.

I’m not saying it was my finest moment. I’m just saying it sometimes takes me a moment to react.

I must go now, as I must work. I wrote this ages ago, got distracted by work, then realized I hadn’t finished this or hit “publish.”

I leave you with a gift from Marvin, who clearly is looking through his old things because he has sent me 394923094923 texts of images of old letters, and things he stole from our landlord’s junk pile in the shared garage and so on.

Here is the song Marvin wrote and recorded for my mother’s 60th birthday. She’d asked him to write her a song.

You’re welcome.

Joon

63 thoughts on “forked flick

  1. The ads are fine – I saw one from Etrade which said I’d make a bad trader. Judgemental much? My investments are fine, thankyouverymuch. Another showed me the girls’ shoes I decided NOT to get my daughter. lol! A third was a security thingy that I looked into months ago.

    I know this isn’t the popular opinion, but I like snakes! I hang out with them for a bit when I come across them (I always make sure they’re not venomous first), then release them somewhere safe, as in not in my yard. My husband doesn’t like them – he’s more of the screech and run sort, even though he’s a big manly fella. 😉 I’d rather have them around to help with the mice in our old house, but oh well.

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    1. I’m good on mice help. But I WANT to be all cool, and not uncool, about snakes. I just, ugh, I JUST CAN’T!!! I can’t be that cool girl!

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  2. Allergies are killing me this year. I’m still running the humidifier every night, taking allergy medicine, sinus medicine, using saline spray and with all that just managing to not be entirely miserable.

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  3. OH! I love the Pam Song! I don’t mind snakes as long as it’s on my terms. I wouldin’t have liked it writhering toward me in the garden either!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  4. I don’t think I can post a screen shot in comments, but WordPress plopped a perfectly placed ad in this post and the screen cap is lovely. Right underneath where you said you couldn’t figure out where to go back in and turn the ads off, WordPress served up an ad bearing the headline, “What’s Stopping You?”

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  5. Oh my god. This WFH bullshit is worse than real work. Everyone just ASSUMES you have nothing to do so they keep sending you MORE WORK.

    Anyway. I’m here, hella late, to say even though I knew EXACTLY what song I was about to hear, I got myself up out of my Laz-y-boy and shuffled alllllllll the way to the kitchen for my AirPods so I could listen to that forever classic, Pam.

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  6. One more thing, I got an ad for Earth shoes, I didn’t know they were still around. I got them! Summer slides with slipper like comfort in Blush and they come in wide and free shipping!

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  7. I have a lot to say about this post, mostly because I have a lot of free time for some reason and I’m bored, for some reason. I also forgot to comment yesterday about the self-centered thing, you can practice not being self-centered. A friend of mine once said, very annoyedly, would you stop waiting for your turn to talk and think about what I’M saying. After I got done being huffy I started doing that. Now I spend that time thinking of question to ask instead. It really works, it’s almost as good as being naturally unselfish, and if you think about it it’s kind of noble, putting aside your base instincts to be a good person.
    I’ve decided I like snakes in my yard because they never come in the house and they eat things that do, like mice.
    This is the worst pollen on record in the last 30 years, I’m taking Allegra and Flonase, it’s the combination that makes me the least goofy.
    My kids say I can’t order from Amazon because Jeff Bozo is “problematic”. When did kids become so socially conscious. I never once thought about where my stuff was come from when I was a teenager ordering from Teen Beat magazine. It’s like they want to change the world or something. But it hasn’t been bad at all, turns out I like shopping and ordering from all the different stores.
    And finally, if we use ad blockers do you still get credit for putting billboards on your property.

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  8. I have the lyrics to Pam memorized already. I’m a genius. I laughed out loud at the wallet flying across the room. Hope it was full of coinage.

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  9. You have some really pretty clothes in your ads. Just thought you’d like to know since you can’t see them.

    Your story reminds me of when I took Dristan many years ago and checked out of this world for a few hours. I was working retail then and have no clue what I said to people or if I gave them the correct change. That was in the olden days when you had to know math and make change. Hope there was no honey or feathers involved.

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  10. There is a whole lotta’ funny in this post, but “I fear the writher” killed me dead.

    Loving the monsters!

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  11. Anyone else getting tips and tricks for their ads? I’m going to have to click on it out of insatiable curiosity even though I’ll probably never use it. I saw febreeze and some thing for wifi I think. Anyway, they are fine and I hope they make you money.
    Throwing your wallet at the exboyfriend’s head is a fine moment for me to read about . It had me howling. I would love to have your chutzpah! I moved sixty miles away and almost never ran in to old boyfriends. I guess that was a very good thing.

    PS Feeling weird symptoms daily too, new symptoms being published and I too believe I have a long brewing case of Covid .009.

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  12. This song made me laugh as much today as the first time you posted it (a thousand years ago). Marvin’s hilarious! I’m so glad I got to hear it again!!
    Eww- snakes. Springtime gardening comes with risks, MRS. GARDENS. Heee!

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  13. I don’t see any ads. I am reading you on my phone.
    Regarding snakes, the best thing that I have found is to show no fear. If you do act afraid someone will chase you and drop that smake right on your head. This is truth.

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  14. I’m sitting here in my dining room laughing like an idiot at Marvin’s song. The neighbors think I’m crazy, one of them walking by when I burst out laughing looked startled and then hurried away….

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  15. My ads are showing me dog food, febreeze, and a delightful French bull dog licking a spoon. Somehow they know my dogs make my couch stink. I hope you make some money. I will click some ads in case it helps.

    I really enjoyed your mom’s birthday song.

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  16. Hi Juneeeeeee. The ads are cool. I’m learning how to improve my life, in between the paragraphs. I hope you get $$$ for the ads as I love this blog. As far as the snakes… you could set out some traps and cook up some snake casseroles. #tastejustlikechicken

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  17. I still love my birthday song and I do have my own copy of course. It was one of the great gifts we received when you two weren’t spending for a year. Oh, my ads come in the middle of paragraphs. We are all used to seeing such things, but I was particularly repulsed by the hairy leg with deep sock marks around it.

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  18. I haven’t seen any ads, or just haven’t noticed them?
    Anyway, Marvin’s voice did not match what I thought his voice was in my head based on his choirboy face. Also, is his name really Marvin? I am sure this has been addressed and I am about to get smacked with 15 salmon heads but now I question everything I thought I knew about Marvin.

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  19. I’m right there with you on the sore throat thing. And last night I had an annoying cough. So I’m probably half dead. OR it could be that the giant cottonwoods behind our house are dumping pollen straight down on us and I’m allergic to tree pollen. I’m pretty drugged up but we aren’t running the air conditioner yet because it’s not that warm, but running the AC really helps. But I made the mistake of reading some scary stuff yesterday so even though I’ve felt like this every spring since I can remember, I’m pretty sure it’s the virus this time. Seriously, none of us will be mentally healthy when this is done.

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    1. There’s a reason the critter in the Bible was a snake and not a koala. It doesn’t help that they are sneaky muscle bags with venom. Back in the olden days when I was a teacher’s aide, our classroom pet was a snake. If you finished your work, your reward was getting to have the snake hang out on your desk. I remember helping one of our students disentangle the creature from her beautiful long hair.

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      1. I think my cat is having allergic reactions. She loves going out on the patio. But the next two days she’s phelgmy coughing and has runny eyes. Third day stmptoms are gone. I need to report these findings back to the vet and see what he has to say. I have heard that the state very nrar to me, where my family lives, hair salons will open next week. Yes. Ive left a phone message.

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  20. Just curious. Do you make money if we click on the ads, or do we have to buy something? You look lovely today, Coot.

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  21. Pam.

    Dying…

    I, for one, support the ads. While scrolling on my phone I had four of all the same small Comcast ads unobtrusively insisting “We’re here to help.” Then at the very end, the same ad, much larger, because apparently Comcast felt that I wasn’t impressed enough by their gentle nudge and wanted to remind me that “WE’RE HERE TO HELP.”

    Right after that? A Febreeze ad.

    Feeling a little judged by Comcast right now.

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  22. NOoooo! to the snake. They all are rattlesnakes to me. Screech? You should have heard me screaming last year when the huge black snake got in the bird bottle (horizontal pottery vase) on our porch and ate at least one, maybe two, and killed one of the babies. I know, self-centered story. I’ll never recover from that event!
    Don’t mind the ads, hopefully you can make some money. The sore throat is probably caused by the pollen.
    Tee [on her fainting couch]

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  23. Your sore throat could be because of the tube they put down your throat during surgery. Ask your doctor about it.

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  24. I saw a small Northern ring-neck snake in my southern yard this weekend, so maybe it was lost. Since I don’t freak out about snakes (other than copperheads which, thankfully, I’ve never encountered), I was happy to see it. Call me crazy, but unlike Tee, I actually like seeing snakes as long as they are nonvenomous.

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  25. I have two snake stories I could regale you with, but now I’m not sure if that’s self-centered or showing common interest. Regardless, Gumbo would have the same reaction as you. He cannot stand a snake.

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  26. oh my – Am I first? LOL
    that song… can’t stop laughing…. Thanks for brightening the morning! I have that same disease – covid 09 haha
    It is allergies. Claritin is non drowsy – still get to you? Sudafed.
    I used to have shiny black snakes – very skinny and weird – at my house in NC. They are harmless but still scary enough to make me stay out of the weeds. Come to AZ – we have tarantulas here the size of soccer balls… ha ha

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  27. The ads are fine. At least they are on the sides and bottom and don’t get in your face. Nice song! I guess it is safe to say you would not be in the House of Slytherin (I don’t know if you are even a Harry Potter Fan).

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