The body electric

My dishwasher works, and my refrigerator is plugged into the wall like a normal person, thanks to a visit from two electricians, 114,000 viruses and me parting ways with $126.

In case you just got here—let’s say you just heard about blogs. “I’m from 2001. What is a beee-log?” In case that happened, I’ll tell you that on Sunday night my fridge stopped running, thereby making all prank calls useless (where’s Prince Albert, though?). Then a day later, I tried to run my dishwasher, and? Morte.

This alarmed me, as it seemed like an unusual coincidence they’d both die together, like Romeo and Juliet. Then I mentioned it to you guys, and you know how that goes.

YOU’RE GOING TO DIE IN AN ELECTRICAL FIRE JOOOOOOOON.

LET ME EMAIL YOU PERSONALLY RE THIS JOOOOOOOOOOON.

THE FLAMES! THE FLAAAAAAMES, JOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo

So I called an electrician. Alf, my ridiculous handyman, recommended I call someone named Robert, so I called Robert and Robert never answered me. However, I’d like to say Robert one more time.

Robert.

Anyway after … Robert never answered me, I Googled and got actually a really lovely electric company.

I called the electric company by shouting, “HEY, YOU GUYS!” We’re gonna turn it on. We’re gonna bring you the power.

They responded same-day, and they were very polite. They sent a little picture of my electricians along with bios on them, so I could see how hot they were gonna be and could dress accordingly.

Then they called — on time — to say they were on their way and did I need anything, a drink or anything from the outside world. I am not making that up. I really would have loved a soft drink but did not want to put them out.

When they arrived, I was nervous. No human has been in my house other than me since god knows when. Months. I took them through the back yard, where Edsel was showing fang until he saw they were two men.

O, ware Edzul manners? Come in! Get you a treet? Treeet in treet jar. Take! Edz luff you both so bad. To ignor preeevus fang.

It had been so long since I’d seen Edsel simper over men. It was sort of a delight.

They were both bemasked and begloved, and I had a mask on too while I told them the saga of the Romeo and Juliet deaths in my kitchen. Meanwhile, Edsel had gotten his clay so he could make a bust of them.

Then I skedaddled into the living room, thinking of all the shedding virus going on in my kitchen. They pulled out the fridge, where 394823023 cat toys resided, and they pulled out the dishwasher, so basically everything I eat or clean is laced with corona.

When you guys were knocking on my door and ringing the bell to tell me my wires were on fire, one thing you kept telling me was to check the CBGB outlets or whatever they’re called. “Sometimes you have to reset them,” you’d tell me, like I didn’t already know that. When the fridge died Sunday night, I immediately checked all of them.

When they redid this kitchen, they pulled out all the stops on adding outlets. Holy cats. I have more outlets in the kitchen than in the rest of the house combined.

I checked this one over by the stove. Nope. Twas fine.

Oh, look, an outlet on the OTHER side of the stove. How necessary! But nope, it’s fine. Under the foil are strawberry biscuits I made. I know. Who even am I? There is never any need to ask how I made something, BTW. If I made something, it means I googled, How do you make ____ and used the first answer. Anyway, that outlet was fine too.

Half an inch away is another outlet, where my coffee pot goes and if that was gonna die I wasn’t going to take it well. Nope. Fine. Fine as frog’s fur, as my gramma would say.

I want you to brace yourself, but there was another AFLCIO or whatever outlet just a few feet away.

This is the outlet right near the love story that is the fridge and dishwasher, so I tested it 47 times. Nothing. It looks as though my corkscrew might be enamored with that outlet. There’s any number of things going on in that kitchen that I don’t know about, since all I make in there is coffee and haste.

I heard the electricians in there moving stuff for quite some time, so they could get germs in every corner, and Edsel had gotten his tap shoes and was showing off for company, shuffling off to Buffalo.

“Did you find it?” I asked them a couple times. They’d gone to my fuse box, which they assured me is not unsafe so thanks for those hysterical emails, and still couldn’t figure it out.

Finally?

“Ma’am, we’ve solved the problem.”

Do you see here? Right where the fat cat is, smoking her cigars and looking at her pocket watch? See how there’s a vacuum there?

Earlier, I might even say SUNDAY, I tried to vacuum, and the thing was dead. I looked down, and the plug was just barely in the outlet. I plugged it in and sure enough a few hours later my vacuum was charged and all was right with my world.

Except? I think I pushed the clicky thing in my USDA outlet or whatever it’s called, the outlet that PROVIDES POWER TO MY FRIDGE AND DISHWASHER, and went about my day until I noted the fridge was not turning on its heartlight.

“Don’t feel bad, ma’am,” said the nice electricians, whose names are now tattooed on Edsel’s spindly forearm, “it took us forever to find the cause, ourselves.”

So while you were all technically right that I should be pressing the FICO button or whatever it’s called,

Well.

I was gonna say some sort of disclaimer after that. But you were right. The problem was the DMV outlet had been tripped.

So.

Electra Woman and Dyna Girl-ly,
June

66 thoughts on “The body electric

  1. Hiya Junnnne. I did feel bad for telling you the story of how the extension cord caught on fire. But I was born with the soul of Smokey the Bear and I have added the “do not use ext. cords” to my list of “Don’t Do This,” along with don’t run with scissors; always lock your car doors; don’t park in the parking lot of the store with windows down or you could get car jacked; when walking back to your car, try to look around car and even under the car, because the car jacker will be under there (according to Dateline). I’m so happy that your electrical issue has been solved.

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  2. $126 was worth giving Edsel some happiness and male companionship. You didn’t even have to deal with a pimp or the Mafia.
    (We just watched Taxi on Netflix)

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  3. The $126 was worth the money to give Edsel some happiness and some male companionship. You didn’t even have to deal with a pimp.

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  4. Glad it is all fixed! I love the Edsel descriptions. I picture him with little hearts in his eyes and his heart zooming out of his chest, hands clutched beside his head. Too many Disney cartoons as a child I suppose.

    I made my kids watch The Electric Company recently. They loved the Soup bit in the diner. We also watched Mr. Goodbody, Captain Kangaroo and Schoolhouse Rock. They loved the old educational shows!

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  5. I once spent over $300 to find out that my toddler had turned off the gas line to the house. After that, I duct-taped it open. I felt dumb, but really I was just so relieved I didn’t need a new furnace or some other very expensive thing.

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  6. I once made THREE trips back to the store to return THREE toasters that I assumed were defective only to discover the blankety blank button got tripped on the
    outlet!

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  7. So delighted with mental picture of Edsel in his short shorts and white blouse and tap shoes. Does he look at his feet (the hind ones) like Ruby Keeler when he shuffles off to Buffalo? Thanks, Joooon.

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  8. I was really hoping 394823023 was a prime number. I mean, REALLY hoping. Alas, it is not prime. It is divisible by 7.

    By any chance, did the tradesman utter the phrase “who the hell originally did this?” I’ve heard it before from others trades.

    Wow, I was REALLY hoping. Not hopping. Hoping.
    Kevin

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  9. HEY YOU GUYS, back when Morgan Freeman was on Electric Company he was so hot Edsel would have fainted dead away.

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  10. Love, Jimmie and others, my “turns part of the room off and on and why do you need me?” switch was looking big and fat right between the TV and the front door. The $100 electrician asked, “How long have you lived in this house?” Oh, about 25 years.

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  11. I am crying over here. Too many lines to quote so I’ll just say entire post, although this was a favorite “whose names are now tattooed on Edsel’s spindly forearm.” Dead.

    CommandoBarbie

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  12. I paid an HVAC guy $100 to turn on a light switch so my air conditioner would work. It was a switch behind a door in the creepy area where the inside part of the unit resides, and the home inspector turned it off when inspecting. $100 to get corona-shed all in my creepy duct work space. I would have been way madder had I not just moved into a new place and been enamored of it. This was last month.

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  13. And now I can’t remember what those outlets are really called because you have shoved every acronym known to man into my brain.

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  14. I adored Hey You Guys. It’s a city girl thing I think. I was a bit old for Zoom probably watched it while babysitting the baby siblings and secretly liked it.
    My Scrappy Doo terrier terror also loves the mens. He will suck up to anyone these days but he prefers the mens and makes a big fuss when my nephew, dad, boyfriend etc. come over. I become chopped liver but that is OK.
    Sophie the Chihuahua mix was all over my mother the other day. First visit from my parents in ages, due to covid. I was happy to see them but I notice they are aging more now. They are 81 though and I’m 60. Glad to still have them. Bonus, their puppy I went with them to get three months ago was in their car. I got to pet a five month old Shitsu. Poor Pete their old Min Pin was in the back seat. He can’t climb around like she can.
    Your Eds descriptions were hilarious! Laughed out loud.

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  15. When you said you had called in electricians, my first thought was that Edsel would be rushing to write poems and bake cookies for them. Had you called in firemen, Edsel probably would have taken boudoir photos to give to them.

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  16. So glad you are safe. Electrical stuff always worries me too.
    My son is an electrician and would have loved a job like this… ha ha…. So sorry that you had to pay for the investigation but now you know, right? And always better to be safe than sorry – don’t you hate that saying! lol
    Love your house – so cute in every aspect – always makes me miss my Holly house! sigh.

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  17. Edsel getting his clay- at first I thoight you meant blue- then realized his art project. Love that! So funny. And just when I thought I was the only one to watch that Zoom show.

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  18. Woke up this morning to the fire alarm in the attic doing its’ anemic battery sound so it’s a trip to the hardware store and drag the ladder upstairs. Those GEICO outlets are a pain, but I just watched a Miss Marple where the husband tosses the radio in his wife’s bath, so there’s that. Stay safe, stay single!

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  19. HILARIOUS post with all the names for the GFCI (ground-fault circuit interrupter). The ONLY reason I know that? Married to retired home inspector and I learned a LOT about a house while I worked for him. Now you know where the GFCI is located for the refrigerator and dishwasher. Next time you will safe yourself $126. The positive about this situation, $126 is soooo much cheaper than two new appliances. I always follow the repairman and watch what he’s doing to whatever we are having repaired. I’ve save us, probably millions of dollars, on furnace repairs because of that, it’s an easy fix, just flip the circuit breaker off and on, it solves the problem when the furnace won’t come on, I finally replaced the thermostat and it totally fixed the problem.
    BTW, Prince Albert is/was in a can. Do they still sell tobacco in a can? So glad Edz was thrilled with the visit from the repairmen. I love the fact that the company provided you a photo of who was coming to your house. Love it.
    Tee

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  20. Also wanted to say that when we built this house, I wanted a lot more than the usual number of outlets. But you know what? I still don’t have enough. Jim had to put in 2.

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  21. Those frickin ESPN outlets are too much trouble. I really enjoyed this post. Sorry you couldn’t tell if your electricians were hot or not, but I wanted to mention that before all this fresh hell started, the firemen from up the street used to come to my grocery store to get their cooking ingredients. They were FINE.

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  22. Edsel and his simpering have made my day!

    Don’t feel bad. One year our furnace would not come on and my manly man of a husband checked everything, cussed a lot, then finally gave up and called the service folks because it’s a gas furnace and nobody wants to mess with that. It’s daaaaaangerous Juuuuune! The service guy came and checked all the things, no luck, and after 2 hours, they came out of the furnace closet, saw a switch above the TV on the wall and flipped it. The furnace clicked on. Needless to say it was a safety switch. $200 whatever dollars later, my manly husband called me at work to say, don’t ever touch the switch! I didn’t remember touching it – and pretty sure I never did, but, OK.

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    1. Our first house had two light switches that were taped with a little sign saying “Do Not Touch” over them. Previous owners didn’t know what they were for; house came like that. We never found out either.

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    2. My niece was dancing around the basement and apparently managed to *kick* the switch to turn my sister’s furnace off. My sister reported it like the kid had been rewiring the electrical panel in her spare time.

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  23. OMG I didn’t even THINK of resetting the outlet and I have one in my bathroom that I have to reset all the time. I’ll plug in my blow dryer and … silence. And you know how I need a powerful blow dryer to get all three hairs dried and styled.

    When we redid the kitchen, I insisted on LOTS of outlets. Everyone thought I was INSANE, but it’s been perfect. I was also very demanding re: lighting. We have seven light switches. We had to special order the switch plate. (Oh calm down. Four are for the kitchen proper, one for the dining room that blends in, thanks open concept, and two are for the deck (which is accessed from the dining room). TOO MUCH INFORMATION. GOING BACK TO WFH (working from home) NOW.

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  24. Meanwhile, Edsel had gotten his clay so he could make a bust of them. And Edsel had gotten his tap shoes and was showing off for company, shuffling off to Buffalo.

    You made my day with Edsel’s hilarity and, apparently, you made Edsel’s day with a visit from two men. Happy for you that it was nothing more than a tripped IOU gizmo and you didn’t burst into flames.

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  25. Lots of great lines in this one, but the Electra Woman and Dyna Girl reference really made my day! Glad you’re safe!

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  26. Electricity is scary, and worth every bit of that $126 to find out. But jeepers with the outlets in that one room! No one should have to stretch a cord more than a foot to find a new plug!
    (also the mansplainer yesterday? OMG with him. Although to be fair, sometimes women mansplain, too. It’s hard to get the right tone on the ‘net to offer assvice.)

    Re: Electric Company? I’ve got the (send it to) ZOOM song — and arm waving movement thingy – in my head all week. I need a new earworm.

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  27. Not to be all Debbie Downer but I was just this morning reading an article where a virologist is sick with the ‘rona and said he’d been very careful, blah, blah. Always wearing a mask but (he said) obviously YOU CAN GET IT THROUGH YOUR EYES. Never in a million years did that occur to me. Thanks virus guy.

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    1. I read this also, as well, too, and asked my optometrist. He said you can get it by touching something ick and then *rubbing* your eyes. Not just by walking around blinking and stuff. And then he told me to stop wearing my contacts because if something went horribly wrong (I’ve worn contacts for 30 years without a problem, what could go wrong? Wait, don’t answer that!) I would have to deal with a hospital/medical office situation.

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  28. Soooo many hilarious lines. I love this post. I love that the problem didn’t entail ripping out wiring. I love that you now have a reliable and nice electrician on call. Now go Lysol every inch of that kitchen!

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  29. Isn’t it nice to know you have so many people who care about you.
    Glad Edsel got his man fix along with your electrical fix.
    All of that Edsel fawning description was so funny and so descriptive, like I was there actually seeing it. Thanks so much for b-logging so much. It has made my coopy up time bearable.

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  30. I, too, am sincerely glad you are safe and equally as glad you entertained us so beautifully this morning. That was a terrific post. Electrifying, really. Edsul is such a puzzle–tiny baby kitties or men and his romantic heart is all aflutter. Bless you, baby.

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  31. You forgot to tell us if the electricians were as hot as the firemen. Happy for you that all your appliances are humming along again. Yes, it is very stressful to be a homeowner.

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    1. They were young, so they were automatically cute, but when half your face is masked it’s hard to get more than a soft cone over them.

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  32. “O, ware Edzul manners? Come in! Get you a treet? Treeet in treet jar. Take! Edz luff you both so bad. To ignor preeevus fang”. The most hilarious line ever written!

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  33. Firstly, let me say I am so happy that you finally listened to the mansplainer and took care of those faulty wires in the home you purchased on a whim, without an inspection, because you thought it was cutesy. Good luck with that.

    I love, love, love when we get a narrative of Edsel daintily entertaining menfolk. It makes me giggle every time.

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  34. Oh I loved this post!
    I get so frazzled when I have someone doing work in my house, I never know what to do!
    I am having some work done on my bathroom this weekend and am so stressed already about what to keep busy with. I don’t want to hover but I want to be close by but don’t want to seem like I’m just chilling while someone works.

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  35. The outlet in my bathroom didn’t work for months, until I discovered, by accident, that the outlet in another bathroom was tripped. They are on the same circuit. I pushed the little button in to reset the outlet and went about my life. It took another full week before I realized the outlet in my bathroom was back on. And many months later to realize why the outlet in my bathroom had miraculously started working again.

    Home ownership is hard, ya’ll.

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      1. AGREED.

        Our basement flooded several years ago. Like, walking-on-the-water-like-Jehosephat flooded. After ripping out carpet, setting up industrial fans, shop-vaccing for days, blah, blah, blah, a service guy asked why our sump pump wasn’t working. We didn’t know we had a sump pump. Turned out it WASN’T PLUGGED IN. Little old lady we bought the house from had experienced a sharp mental decline and forgot to mention it – and don’t get me started on the jackhole of an inspector who MISSED THAT AND SO MUCH OTHER FLIPPING STUFF.

        When we saw the house without furniture for the first time, it turns out she had painted around all of the furniture, so there were outlines on all the walls.

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        1. The yahoos who were living next door to me painted around their furniture, too. When they were evicted and I went into the house and saw that, it told me SO MUCH about the type of people they were.

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  36. Yay for an easy fix! Much cheaper than new appliances. Edsel really needed some male company anyways.

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