Yes, I AM the yahoo who went out in the rain and took pictures of her day lilies just now. Why are some of the leaves yellow? Does anyone know? These are the day lilies my neighbor R and I planted last year after they’d been dug up at a construction site and left on a truck to die a painful death. We each planted some in our respective yards, and she says mine are doing better than hers. R says these are very old day lilies, I forget why she said that. I guess they’ve been at that site for ages.
I have officially become an old lady. Talkin’ bout her lilies.
Let’s talk about heroin and TikTok to youthen things up.
It’s kind of hard to concentrate (like it’s usually so easy for me) what with half the house staring at me. I’ve no idea what they want, seeing as I spent the first 20 minutes of my day pilling, feeding and letting these arses outside to do their bidness. Like, what more do you NEED from me? Whaaaat? Wat wat waaaat??
Yesterday was a productive day. I worked for ages, and once I was done, I asked my TV to show me cardio workouts for old people, and they gave me this delightful workout from a woman who, granted, never stops talking, but it was good. No, literally, she never stops talking. For 30 minutes.
Don’t be that guy. Don’t be the “What was the workout, JOOOOOOOON?” guy. I literally got YouTube up on my TV, said, “Find a cardio workout for people older than 50” and it gave me one. You can do that too. I have faith in you.
Actually, that leads me to another Is it just cranky June, or is it everyone?
You post something on social media. Let’s say you post a photo of your new ‘do. Not that anyone can get new ‘dos RN. But still. You post your sunset across your lawn, let’s say.
“Where did you get those lawn chairs?”
I don’t know why this annoys me, but it does. Truthfully it rarely happens in my own posts, because who wants anything my poor ass owns. It’s more with famous people.
“Would you mind telling me where you got that shirt, Alana?”
I follow Alana Stewart on Instagram. Weren’t we aiming to seem young in this post?
First of all, WHO CARES? It’s not the point of the post. Second of all, way to make the poster do more work. I guess that’s what bugs. The person took a picture, thought of a pithy thing to say, edited the shot, posted it, then has to remember where she got her bust of Ru Paul that’s in the background?
Is it just me? Do you find that annoying when people do that? And don’t get me started on people who ask a question that if you just scrolled up you’d find addressed 50 times in the comments.
Anyway, after my cardio for old people, I asked my TV machine to show me new tricks for dogs, and Edsel and I worked on “sit pretty” for awhile before it dawned on me that might hurt his back, seeing as he has spondylosis.
Then I headed out to collect my Mother of the Year award.
I literally tried to teach an old dog new tricks.
Edsel got old so fast. Like, a year ago, okay, his face was getting a little white. But in this year he’s gotten the heart thing and the spondylosis thing (it means that he grew new bones over his old ones because, as the vet explained it, his body was trying to make up for the bone loss he had there from arthritis). He just seems so slow and crippled up all the time now. When he changes position he groans.
The only time he’s really animated is the 5 minutes a day we play with Blu. The vet said not to play it with him anymore but it makes him so happy. So I do, but I literally set the timer on the microwave and I look into the kitchen window to watch the time so we don’t overdo. Cause sometimes we’re having fun and then we’ve gone too long before and the drunk thing happens where he falls over due to his heart trouble.
Anyway, came on fast, his old-man-ness. He takes three pills in the morning and two at night and eats old man look at my life food.
They should totally name a dog food Old Man Look at My Life.
I guess that’s all I have to tell you, and it’s hard to tell you new things when each day has been exactly the same for 90 freaking days.
I did have one epiphany.
When I was 13 or 14, I read in Cosmopolitan magazine—in sort of a roundup of beauty tricks article—where this model said, “Every night I brush my eyebrows to train them to grow upwards (I think it’s working!).”
Every day of my life since then, barring migraine days, I have done exactly that. I had the same eyebrow brush from 8th grade (I read that Cosmo article and STAMPEDED for the mall) till the year 2003, when I bought a new eyebrow brush that I still have. Every ding-dang day I’ve brushed them upwards hoping to train them.
Recently I ordered caster oil to regrow my eyebrows, as they have gotten sparse with the 20 years of waxing them (and brushing them up). The caster oil came with a little eyebrow brush, so now I have that in the bathroom for even more upward brushing.
The other day I was in the bathroom, brushing up on m’brows, when it hit me.
I don’t think it’s working.
I’ve been doing this damn thing FOR ALMOST 40 YEARS and I finally came to the conclusion that you can brush your eyebrows up and it won’t train them to do a goddamn thing. Not even sit pretty.
So there you have it. That’s today’s epiphany from quarantine.
Have a day (lily),