Day Junely

Yes, I AM the yahoo who went out in the rain and took pictures of her day lilies just now. Why are some of the leaves yellow? Does anyone know? These are the day lilies my neighbor R and I planted last year after they’d been dug up at a construction site and left on a truck to die a painful death. We each planted some in our respective yards, and she says mine are doing better than hers. R says these are very old day lilies, I forget why she said that. I guess they’ve been at that site for ages.

I have officially become an old lady. Talkin’ bout her lilies.

Let’s talk about heroin and TikTok to youthen things up.

It’s kind of hard to concentrate (like it’s usually so easy for me) what with half the house staring at me. I’ve no idea what they want, seeing as I spent the first 20 minutes of my day pilling, feeding and letting these arses outside to do their bidness. Like, what more do you NEED from me? Whaaaat? Wat wat waaaat??

Yesterday was a productive day. I worked for ages, and once I was done, I asked my TV to show me cardio workouts for old people, and they gave me this delightful workout from a woman who, granted, never stops talking, but it was good. No, literally, she never stops talking. For 30 minutes.

Don’t be that guy. Don’t be the “What was the workout, JOOOOOOOON?” guy. I literally got YouTube up on my TV, said, “Find a cardio workout for people older than 50” and it gave me one. You can do that too. I have faith in you.

Actually, that leads me to another Is it just cranky June, or is it everyone?

You post something on social media. Let’s say you post a photo of your new ‘do. Not that anyone can get new ‘dos RN. But still. You post your sunset across your lawn, let’s say.

“Where did you get those lawn chairs?”

I don’t know why this annoys me, but it does. Truthfully it rarely happens in my own posts, because who wants anything my poor ass owns. It’s more with famous people.

“Would you mind telling me where you got that shirt, Alana?”

I follow Alana Stewart on Instagram. Weren’t we aiming to seem young in this post?

First of all, WHO CARES? It’s not the point of the post. Second of all, way to make the poster do more work. I guess that’s what bugs. The person took a picture, thought of a pithy thing to say, edited the shot, posted it, then has to remember where she got her bust of Ru Paul that’s in the background?

Is it just me? Do you find that annoying when people do that? And don’t get me started on people who ask a question that if you just scrolled up you’d find addressed 50 times in the comments.

Anyway, after my cardio for old people, I asked my TV machine to show me new tricks for dogs, and Edsel and I worked on “sit pretty” for awhile before it dawned on me that might hurt his back, seeing as he has spondylosis.

Then I headed out to collect my Mother of the Year award.

I literally tried to teach an old dog new tricks.

Edsel got old so fast. Like, a year ago, okay, his face was getting a little white. But in this year he’s gotten the heart thing and the spondylosis thing (it means that he grew new bones over his old ones because, as the vet explained it, his body was trying to make up for the bone loss he had there from arthritis). He just seems so slow and crippled up all the time now. When he changes position he groans.

The only time he’s really animated is the 5 minutes a day we play with Blu. The vet said not to play it with him anymore but it makes him so happy. So I do, but I literally set the timer on the microwave and I look into the kitchen window to watch the time so we don’t overdo. Cause sometimes we’re having fun and then we’ve gone too long before and the drunk thing happens where he falls over due to his heart trouble.

Anyway, came on fast, his old-man-ness. He takes three pills in the morning and two at night and eats old man look at my life food.

They should totally name a dog food Old Man Look at My Life.

I guess that’s all I have to tell you, and it’s hard to tell you new things when each day has been exactly the same for 90 freaking days.

I did have one epiphany.

When I was 13 or 14, I read in Cosmopolitan magazine—in sort of a roundup of beauty tricks article—where this model said, “Every night I brush my eyebrows to train them to grow upwards (I think it’s working!).”

Every day of my life since then, barring migraine days, I have done exactly that. I had the same eyebrow brush from 8th grade (I read that Cosmo article and STAMPEDED for the mall) till the year 2003, when I bought a new eyebrow brush that I still have. Every ding-dang day I’ve brushed them upwards hoping to train them.

Recently I ordered caster oil to regrow my eyebrows, as they have gotten sparse with the 20 years of waxing them (and brushing them up). The caster oil came with a little eyebrow brush, so now I have that in the bathroom for even more upward brushing.

The other day I was in the bathroom, brushing up on m’brows, when it hit me.

I don’t think it’s working.

I’ve been doing this damn thing FOR ALMOST 40 YEARS and I finally came to the conclusion that you can brush your eyebrows up and it won’t train them to do a goddamn thing. Not even sit pretty.

So there you have it. That’s today’s epiphany from quarantine.

Have a day (lily),
June

80 Comments

  1. Maybe some Vitamin B liquid on those beautiful lillies? Loved the eyebrow training…. ha ha…..

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  2. I’ve always been fascinated by my eyebrows, because I’m naturally blonde but my eyebrows are brown. All I’ve ever done is tweeze them a little to clean them up, except for the horrifying time I overtweezed and had to draw in a small section for a couple of weeks. My only beauty contribution is eyebrow wax- sometimes I sleep hard on my face and then one of my eyebrows looks like it’s trying to escape from my face. The wax wrangles it back in place.

    I’m 39 and I’ve found a white hair in my eyebrow. It’s the only hair sign of aging I’ve found, because I think any white hairs on my head blends in with the blonde

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  3. I do yoga online and my old yogi lady, from Canada, eh?, she talked and talked and talked and then cracked herself up with her not funny jokes, and chatted up with the cameraman who was also her husband. But the classes were totally doable and I could put up with it because at the end I wasn’t crippled. But, now I have done all of hers and so I went with another yogi – younger, prettier, thinner and man she takes “flow” seriously. Like, never stopping and very brief talking and all business and exhausting with all the quick movements. The worst thing, and the thing I don’t think I will ever be able to adjust to is her swallowing. She keeps swallowing and the mic picks it up and it makes me insane and grossed out and annoyed. I would rather her just spit it out on the floor. Anyway, I’m going to give it one more shot. And if it’s too much, back to the chatty goofy lady.

    And my eyebrows have up and left my whole face. Age, man. It’s a hairless trip.

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  4. I’m less annoyed by bland stupid shit after experiencing some major crap irl. Now small things that used to annoy mostly amuse me in a bitter, dark way because wtf about text speak etc compared to real poo. I will now lol lmao etc bc wtf rn. But (but I say!) I am still annoyed by ridiculous names idiots give their children. Less annoyed than before but still annoyed.

    Recently learned a hi-bye friend named their kid after two cities (first & middle names). To be original (their words) the proud mom changed the spelling for each city. The spelling is sort of…. dialetically phonetic with extra syllables (because it’s the south y’all). Also totally effed. These cities are close to where the kid will grow up. I can’t even. And the parents were proud to have thought of the clever spelling! Proud!

    It would be like naming your kid Greensboro but spelling it Gahreeensbahrah.

    Oh the humanity.

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  5. Then there are dog eyebrows, which I never thought about till these two moved in with me. Minka has a modest little white spot over each eye. Titi has, on just one side, a single white hair that arches out before her face like those deepwater fish that sprout a false bit of bait out of their heads. You know the ones.

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  6. Ed Asner, Brooke Shields, memory lane! But my first thought was disappointment that your brushing didn’t result in Spock eyebrows.

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  7. Funny post. “I don’t think it’s working.” Cracked me up! Just Google it if you want to know where that purple nail polish can be found. Edsel bless his heart (I mean that in a nice way, not the usual way). Be encouraged, yesterday we were walking in town and saw a friend in her yard with her dogs, one was 17 years old and still moving, not fast, but moving. YES, I’M CRANKY! WHY DO YOU ASK?!
    Tee

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  8. When I was preparing for my wedding to my now ex mum, my sister and I got a lady to the house to wax our eyebrows. Two years later my sister was getting married and she call the eyebrow lady back but when it was my turn she looked at my ebs and said “don’t worry they’re still fine from last time”. It’s now 43 years later and I still haven’t had anything done to them. Not sure If I’m lucky or unlucky. I love that photo of Eds.

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    1. I have never had my eyebrows waxed or shaped. I got lucky in the eyebrow stakes in that they are naturally shaped good. I just have to tweeze a few stragglers now and then. Unfortunately, I did lose out in the eyelash lottery. I guess you can’t have it all.

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  9. I was really hoping that oil and brushing helped worked in training your brows. I was about to start brushing the shit out of mine… the grow almost straight down. It annoy.

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  10. Well, I tried to wax my stray brows on my eyelid and ended up taking off the outer third of my left eyebrow. Now I have to wait for it to grow back before going to a professional to have them waxed. Fortunately (?) I am a hairy monster and it grows quickly.

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  11. I envision the over 50 workout video taught by a woman who guides folks through exersizes done from a chair. Not sure why. I am not sure why but so many girl-related things escape me like accessorizing and eyebrow training and planting flowers. I like shopping for clothes though.

    I have FAR fewer readers than you but no one asks me bout where I bought this or that, maybe cuz I post pics of Halloween costumes I once made or the pile of shoes left steps away from the mudroom.

    This post was hilarious. I enjoy your stream of consciousness that ends up with loose ends being tied together.

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  12. Good morning! Love the lilies. I wonder if the yellow leaves mean the flowers need fertilizer? But I can’t Google that or I’ll lose my comment (on the phone right now). I also watch the ups and downs of Alana’s life. I’m rooting for that kid. Even though I realize any Honey BooBoo/From Not to Hot or whatever, is mostly staged and pure trash entertainment. But I like Alana and Pumpkin. I wonder what Edsel would think about the Mama June situation?

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    1. Dear L in CA: What in the sam holy hell are you talking about? Alana Stewart is Rod Stewart’s ex-wife. She was also married to George Hamilton.

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      1. It’s really not bad. Although you have to put up with snarky comments now and then. 🙂

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  13. Did y’all know there are tons of workout videos on the Amazon Prime, also? Just putting that out there.

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  14. The pets look like they are waiting for you to go out the door.
    Edsel point the way momz, kitty is showing you ‘right here iz u shooz, butt touching’, bye momz.

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  15. Thank you, June! Your writing amuses me, makes me ponder, and so many other things. I look forward to reading what you write, no matter what it is! I appreciate you ‘entertaining’ us and choosing to share what you do.

    FL

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  16. I nicknamed my husband’s eyebrows the Brezhnevs, but you all are probably too young to remember him. I bought some thickening oil for my brows a couple of years ago but do you think I remember to use it? I actually took castor oil to start labor back in the dinosaur times when I had nice eyebrows.

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  17. Lovely lilies, June. They are so cheerful in their bright yellow coats. I think my hairdresser must have a side job teaching cardio for the after-50 group. She also too will talk for 30 minutes straight. I would love to have 30+ minutes with her now. My hair is so long, I don’t know what to do with it.

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  18. It’s really bad when someone asks about the smallest thing, not even something unusual, like “Can you tell me where you got that white nail polish you are wearing?” I think you can find white nail polish anywhere. I compare it to “Can you link to the band-aid you have on your finger?” I think I actually did see that one time.

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    1. YES! That’s the thing. Why do you need to know that person’s very particular common thing? Where’d you get that aspirin? Jesus.

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  19. The one (and ONLY ONE) good thing about working from home for the past 67 days? Is that no one sees my eyebrows. My husband’s grow like Wilford Brimley’s. I may have to trim them for him, since the barber shops are still closed up here in northern VA. (His hair is glorious — like a good Jerry Garcia… wasted on a man!)

    Think of all the minutes you’ll get back in your life now, not brushing your eyebrows!

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  20. Those look like Stella De Oro day lilies. And they have been around for a long time. The leaves might be turning yellow from too much rain. This has been the worst spring ever for weather. I feel like it has rained every day for a year. And I am still wearing winter clothes because it has been so cold. You want to know what I hate? People who say they are loving this quarantine time with their families. I still have to work every day so not much has changed for me except that the only people I can see is my immediate family and we don’t get to lay around the house all day and quite frankly, I’m getting pretty tired of my husband whose main goal in life is to discuss what our next meal is going to be. All we’ve done is cook, eat and clean. I’m pretty sick of food too. Anyway, you are not the only cranky one!

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  21. I must have read that same article but I have not been as diligent as you in trying to train my eyebrows. But if I mess with them at all I brush them up, usually with an old toothbrush. I am classy like that. A friend asked me if I do anything with my brows and I said “sometimes I do this” and used my fingers to kind of brush them up. She cracked up. I don’t think that’s what she had in mind.

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  22. I only noticed in the last few months (thanks quarantine) that my eyebrows are thinning. And there are white hairs in there now. I am only 43 and this is stupid. I have been in early menopause for about 3 years now so I can only imagine what other horrors await.

    When I was in high school or junior high some girl told me that if you drum your nails on your desk (which does not get you scolded in English class at all) it will make your nails thicker. I have been doing this for years. I have just now realized, thanks to your revelation, that that doesn’t work either.

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    1. OMG, I had heard of this drumming thing too and did it for years and had nails weak as a kitten. The only thing that helped was the powder nail gel that thanks Quarantine I cannot get and 2 months later my nails are just starting to peak over the tips of my fingers.
      I am 46 and have just noticed my eyebrows are starting to thin and I have a few random white hairs. WTF…. I was always bucked the thin eyebrow trend of the nineties and actually listened to my mom to not over pluck and this is my reward for being caterpillar eyebrows in my 20s……

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      1. Me too with the caterpillar eyebrows! I even had somewhat of a unibrow – I did pluck that part. I was called Bert because nobody my age knew who Frida Khalo was then.

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  23. Yes! I am noticeably shorter fused these days! Yesterday I went out to do my condensed list of absolutely had to be done errands as it’s been almost a month since I last left the driveway. Getting ready to pull out of a parking space, this guy indicates he’s directing traffic and motions for me to wait ~ while this truck backs down the entire length of the parking lot. Wtf? There’s an entire delivery lane but you have to use the portion exclusively for cars? It had already taken five times longer than it used to for my short list of stops, I had meat/chicken in the car and just wanted to leave but this truck had to back up five football field lengths at a glacial pace. Clearly still irritated today.

    I hope your lillies green up. It could be that their roots are still in shock. If their area isn’t accessible to the pets, you can give them egg shells for protein.

    Lovely post, pretty June!

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  24. Gotta check out the castor oil for eyebrows. I spent my youth having skinny eyebrows, and hearing my mother rail on about “they’ll never grow back…” And, I guess she was right. Now they are grey-ish and thin. The brow mascara helps, but I want more actual hairs.

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    1. At the Big E (New England’s “State” Fair) there was a booth where the specialty was solving the thinning eyebrow. That’s the only place I’m thinning so I thought I’d give it a try.They used this stuff in a tube that made fake hairs that attached to your own eyebrows, plus it colored them at the same time. My 13-year-old niece was with me and when she saw the after, she got the most horrified look on her face. I know a 13 year old girl will tell the truth so I asked her what she thought and she said it looked like they attached a fake mustache to my eyebrows and she liked my regular thin ones better. So.

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  25. Oh, I love this post so much. We should all tell stupid beauty hacks that are most likely pointless but we have all been doing them forever. The thing I have been doing forever is putting my oil of olay on my face in an upward motion as you want your face to not sag…… No idea if it works but I still do it. I also slather that stuff all over my neck in hopes of not getting the dreaded neck wrinkles.

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    1. Have I ever mentioned that my gramma didn’t want to spend all that money on Oil of Olay so she had Oil of Allure? Like, really. How expensive was Oil of Olay? She’d lose her shit if she’d been alive for Creme de la Mer.

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  26. Let me know if the castor oil for eyebrows works, but sooner than you know, forty years from now. I have about two eyebrow hairs on each side now so I have to “fill in” (narrator: what she means is “draw completely”) with an eyebrow pencil. What is annoying is rather than additional eyebrow hairs growing in, of the four total that I have, two are thick and wiry and would grow across the room if I let them. So I have to actually pluck out half of my extremely sparse eyebrows.

    Getting old sucks.

    I am practically mainlining collagen to keep the three hairs on my head.

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      1. I just started the castor oil on my eyelashes and so far the results are greasy glasses. Oh, and it’s supposed to help regrow the post-menopause hair loss.

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    1. I head a comedian say this and it gives me the giggles every time of think of it:
      “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”

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    2. I have almost no eyebrows – Found this Maybeline product several years ago – it is powdery – you brush it on where you think eyebrows should be – mine are sparse and I am never happy with them but they look a little more natural than if I use an eyebrow pencil….

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  27. I love that it just dawned on you that your eyebrow trick isn’t working. I’m going to giggle about it all day.
    My eyebrows are so sparse. I feel half of my makeup routine time is devoted to making them look full but hopefully natural. Aging is an ass.

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    1. I have this visual of you typing this with giant Joan Crawford brows. “I hope they look natural,” she Groucho Marxed.

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  28. Nice to know someone else was out in the rain today. I rode my bike 5 miles in a heavy downpour before sunrise, and it made me happy. No pictures, though.

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      1. I do my best. But, as a morning person, I’ve been known to forage for coffee and food 😉

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  29. You need some old man eyebrows like the ones that showed up on my face in the last few years. They grow very long and make me look like Ed Asner. I could brush them up to my hair line if I didn’t give them a regular trim.

    Menopause can blow me.

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  30. Yes. Everything annoys me. I think it’s my personality, and I try not to take my annoyance out on those around me, but yes. People not checking the comments before they ask a question on a post when there are already 387 comments annoys me. People commenting on a recipe saying “I make that too! My hubs (I hate that term) LOVES it! Except instead of hamburger I use turkey, and I use brown rice instead of noodles, and instead of the cream soup I use an organic broth from chickens who had positive relationships with both parents, and I don’t use onions.” OK then bitch, you actually don’t make that recipe at all.

    What I’m trying to convey here is I am traditionally annoyed, but this global pandemic has ramped it up considerably.

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    1. My friend Shelley and I talk about a blogger we used to read who does this all the time. I said if she ever did it to one of my recipes… and then she did. I literally commented on the recipe and said, “Untag me, you did not make my recipe – you bastardized it!”

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    2. “…and instead of the cream soup I use an organic broth from chickens who had positive relationships with both parents…” That made me very happy!

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  31. This post tickled me to pieces. Forty years of eyebrow brushing and right then, you knew. I will giggle about this all day!!

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  32. Just when you think you’ve heard everything! Training your eyebrows is a new one to me. But why do you want them to go up? For a nicer arch?

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