June quickly recaps her weekend of fun, frolic and tons of crowds

It always makes Faithful Reader Paula uncomfortable when I say anything like this, but it’s 7:52 and my goal today is to write this post and shower before 8:30, as that is my work start time and it’s funny but now that my commute involves opening a laptop, I’m “at work” on time a lot more often lately.

My, that was a concise sentence. I’m a regular Hemingway.

The reason it makes FR Paula nervous is she’s what you might call a tense New Yorker and my having any time constraints makes her read fast so I’m not late. She realizes this is insane but can’t help herself. I know way too much about the inner workings of many of you, who I wouldn’t actually recognize on any street if you banged into me, which is rude because six feet, ya dunces.

Anyway, here I am, recapping my “holiday weekend,” which involved me being in this house, so.

Ima look at the pictures on my phone to see if there’s anything worth telling you.

This is the first time in my life I’ve gotten a violet to bloom. Usually I get a violet filled with pretty flowers, watch the blossoms curl up one by one, then have a plant with green leaves for years. However, I asked all y’all what I should do and someone said, “Feed it” and lo and behold it works. I’ve been whipping up pork chops for it.

I ordered and received a new phone case. Before this I had a combination wallet/phone case but it turns out I hate having a combination wallet/phone case. For many reasons. All of them boring. So I got this case on Etsy for like $13 and I am quite pleased with it. Have you ever thought about how many phone cases you’ve had in your lifetime or do you not change them out on a whim the way I do?

I remember taking my flip phone to the mall to have it bedazzled with pink gems in an Eiffel Tower shape. I also had an antenna decoration that was Hello Kitty inside a sushi roll. I forget why.

Paula, it’s 8:01. Going through my photos and uploading them always takes more time than just straight-out writing. I know you’re over there being a cat on a hot tin type or whatever.

Edsel the Pretzel and I finally got bored with our 90+ days of being home trying to avoid that pesky pandemic, so on Saturday, I think it was, we got in the car and took an aimless drive to the country. It was lovely and we saw many pretty country houses and country fields and country mice and country crocks. Eventually we saw a sign for a state park, so we got out and walked on a trail for a bit.

There were multiple signs about keeping your dog leashed, so I wasn’t too worried. Just as we got back in the car, this dude, a hippie-looking dude, came out of nowhere with his golden retriever off leash. Edsel didn’t even see the dog till we were pulling away, and then he got out his Hitler voice. Good lord his bark is loud. I really wanted to roll down my window and Karen the guy but instead I waved and smiled cause it’s the South.

Leash your goddamn dogs. Your dog may be great. He also might get his “good” ass kicked if he wanders over to a dog following the rules on a leash. Jesus.

People are so fekking entitled.

Speaking of which, did you see that woman in Central Park yesterday? Not you, Paula, who lives in New York and is currently nervously reading me at the speed of sound. Everyone in general.

This Harvard-educated birdwatcher, who also happens to be a man of color, was in a part of Central Park that is for bird-watching. It has some amazing number of species there, and, whatever, birds are for eating, says the cat-lover. Anyway, you can’t have your dogs off leash there. This woman had her cocker spaniel off leash, of course, because the world is apparently hers for the taking, and he asked her to leash it as the dog was tearing through this bird area. She said no and they got into an argument.

Not only did the woman say, “I’m going to call the police and say an African American man is threatening me” and then proceed to put on a hysterical voice for the police, she also continued to not leash her dog and in her haste to call the police on this man, was choking her dog and not noticing it.

Just Google Amy Cooper Central Park. I can’t watch that video again for numerous reasons.

Anyway since then her life has gone to shit. They took her dog away, she’s been put on leave at work. But that man just has to wait for the next time something like this happens.

So I spent a lot of yesterday being pissed off about that.

And finally, to wrap up my festive Memorial Day plans, I still can’t get the dang deadbolt off my door, which isn’t that big of a deal except I have a black doorknob and a gold deadbolt and no one should have to live that way. Let me go outside maskless and walk my dog off leash and ponder the unfairness.

Anyway, yesterday morning I texted 5 men I know to ask their advice, one of them being Hulk who immediately left the conversation then texted me, resulting in exactly what I didn’t want: multiple text conversations.

The point is, Austin, my coworker, crnt., came by yesterday and tried to get that dang thing off.

He was unable to, and felt unmanly as a result, and I assured him it was not him. None of us are manly enough to get that feck feck fecking lock off my door.

What is cute is that as ridiculous as my neighborhood is, my next-door neighbor came out to see if I was okay, seeing as a masked man was messing with my door and all. I sort of love how everyone watches what everyone is doing. Mostly because I’m never doing anything controversial. We’ll see how I like it when I start laundering money.

Paula, I’m sorry to tell you that it is 8:39 now and I not only didn’t get to shower, I am “late” for work. I made the mistake of opening work email in the midst of typing this, and I had 14 messages and one of them already stuck in my craw. Ima take my dog outside without his leash so we can walk about the neighborhood and stew.

Doesn’t stew sound delicious?

Time managemently,
June

67 thoughts on “June quickly recaps her weekend of fun, frolic and tons of crowds

  1. I kind of find it hilarious that the woman in Central Park kept saying “African American”—like she didn’t want to sound racist while acting totally racist. Lady, we know you weren’t thinking the words you were saying. Charging at someone and waggling your finger in their face while choking your dog doesn’t mean you’re in fear for your life. It means you’ll invoke authority to assert your so-called right to do whatever the hell you want. Also, thank goodness that dog isn’t with her anymore.

    I’m with Hulk on the cancel a group text and start a separate one. I hate group texts unless they are brief. Acceptable group text: Person 1: Where should we meet? Person 2: Coffee For All? Person 3: Sounds good. 3 pm? Person 1: Yes. Person 2: Yep.

    But that sort group text almost never happens. It’s mostly something like my aunt sends out a pic of her new grandchild to six thousand relatives and I have to listen to my phone pinging for the next hour with texts like: Congrats! So CUTE! How many lbs? 2 adorable U R a Granny!!!!!!! And a billion emoji, stupid gifs of teddy bears, flowers, and rainbows. Ping. Ping. Ping. MFing PING!

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  2. Well. I read every day, but never comment(i have anxiety, yes, even about commenting)but due to the fact that after 7583 days of quarantine, I am bored with myself, and I thought I should try something new, here I am. I have found that my wallet/phone case is quite useless in a quarantine. One does not require the “wallet” part of the the phone case when traveling to the backyard, or the equally exciting laundry room. Since I am a housewife,(albeit one who cannot cook, so there is no stew in my future, unless my husband takes pity on me) it has become quite apparent to me that my quarantine life? Is not much different from my regular life! So, thank you all for your patience, and for joining me on my “trying new things” journey!!

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  3. Had a similar situation in our fair city two years ago. White entitled lady harassing two black women waiting for AAA to come start their car for being black in HER apartment complex. One of the black women lived in the complex they were standing in. Fortunately it was gotten on vi-dee-o and the entitled one was kicked out of her apartment, lost her job and left the city. It’s hard for people who don’t experience it to understand what so many people of color go through on a regular basis. A good use for cell phones and the internet. Just be nice, people.

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  4. Dear June, since the deadbolt won’t come off – may we Paypal you the money to buy a new door? Then the old one can be taken off the hinges; reuse the black knob; and add the matching black dead bolt.

    ***I’m hiding under these asterisks, giggling like a loon****

    Seriously, I feel your pain. My landlord (my father) installed a new door knob for me a few years ago and then I noticed that it was brushed nickle, but the deadbolt was silver. OH NO. I told him that the deadbolt and knob had to match…I would not live like that. He thought I was off my rocker. I went to the Hardware store and bought the matching deadbolt and made him install it. I could almost do this stuff myself but my best talent is to strip screws or gouge/scratch the screw holes sooo no, I will not do that part. He couldn’t understand why I just didn’t take back the new brushed nickle knob and exchange it for a silver knob; then it would match with the old deadbolt. I told him that I did not like silver and wanted all the hardware in the house to be brushed nickle. And he eventually believed me as I had him add towel racks, more knobs, all sorts of things in brushed nickle (evil laugh).

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      1. Yes, I was just kidding (no Home Depot or Lowes wooden door will be mysteriously delivered, I promise). I know that somehow the deadbolt will come off and all will be fine for you. I have changed my door knobs to black except for one outside door. I can’t do “shiny” anymore but I still like the brushed nickel finishes inside my shack.

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  5. When I bought my first phone I did not know about tge case concept. The screen shattered when it was days old and I just kept using it. Now I always get a boring/ safe case. Nothing fun or frilly. I hope that does not mean that people are like their cases. Because then I would be officially boring.

    Entitled folks are infuriating. I sometimes write posts about my very self involved neighbor Mary Ann. I should thank her for all the content she provides. If she knew I had a blog she would probably assume it was all about her because in her world it IS all about her. Anyway she ticked me off on Friday and I got to vent/write about her and it will post tomorrow in case anyone wants to visit and chime in on how they would handle her.

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  6. Stew is delicious but it’s not on my menu after Memorial Day. What kind of stew is the favorite among June readers? If chicken and dumplings count as stew, that’d be my choice. Ma Ingalls comfort food. That ditz in Central Park must live under a rock what with the trend of sharing crappy behavior online. Do you think she and her ilk go forth with greater insight and improve themselves? Inquiring minds…

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    1. I love beef stew with potatoes, carrots, onions (picante sauce and Worcestershire sauce are the secret ingredients).

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      1. Beef stew with root vegetables is our favorite cold-weather stew. Red wine is our secret ingredient. Well, not actually secret since we follow a recipe.

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  7. My husband has replaced deadbolts like that. The screws, which should be on the inside, have to come out first but perhaps they’re frozen or stripped. Once you do that, the inside and outside part should pull apart like a clamshell with the locking mechanism threaded through.

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      1. There are screw extractors that remove stripped screws. They come in a little kit, per my husband, that can be purchased at Lowe’s or Home Depot. Husband says they aren’t expensive, you will need a drill.
        Tee

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      2. Not to give advice here but you can drill the lock out and get it out that way. You actually drill the lock itself. It is a pain in the ass but it works. Just had to do this on a foreclosure house. I just YouTubed the instructions and Kahuna drilled and drilled and finally it fell apart and we got that sucker out.

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  8. I’m late to the party so I’m sure someone has already made the Deadbolt in Stone of Greensboro joke.

    The Park woman….I watched half of the video and could tell I didn’t like where it was going so I turned it off. I don’t normally wish for negative things to happen to people but I hope her life falls apart so much, she needs to live in that park. Behavior like that in 2020 is despicable and something I would hope is the rarity rather than the norm but I know better. Our new neighborhood/street is predominantly not our skin color. I don’t care (well, aside from if you’re purple ~ then I want to ask questions) but I feel like THEY think I care. My only concern is if you’re nice and going to pick up your trash when your can falls over in the wind (which I would have helped you with in pre- plague days).

    Glad you had a great drive! Lovely post, pretty June!

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  9. @Paula, I was raised that if you’re on-time, you’re late. My husband is the same. We’ve likely put hundreds of miles on cars driving around before parties because at least we won’t knock 20 minutes early (but we will on-time). So yeah, I totally get the speed reading part, and I’m just a little envious that it doesn’t seem to bother June one bit. Gah!

    CommandoBarbie
    aka another Karen

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  10. I started feeding my plants, too. It’s a dang miracle is what it is. I have blooms everywhere. When the rose bushes start up I call it a rose explosion. Probably nobody else thinks that’s clever but for some reason I like the way those words work together and it describes the event perfectly so ima keep using it.

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    1. Yes. Rust-Oleum makes an amazing line of spray paints in fancy finishes. Tape off the area around if, spray a few coats, done! Probably less than $5.

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  11. P.S. I wonder if a lock smith could remove that lock, or at least find a key that would work. Just a thought.

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  12. I enjoyed listening to The Doors on my 24 minute commute this morning. Happy to read about your adventure with The Door. ALMOST the same.

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  13. Hilarious post, except for the part about the idiot woman in Central Park. I only have one cover per phone, mine are cheap phones and hard to find a cover that fits, so I just keep what I find for the life of the phone. I know this might shock you, but I’ve only had two smart phones. I’m surprised A can’t get that deadbolt off the door. She’s done an amazing job on her mill house. It was really nice of Austin to come over and help. I hope Paula has gathered herself after being so stressed.
    Tee

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  14. I’d feel pretty secure with a deadbolt that no one can manhandle. If a good guy can’t get through, a bad guy couldn’t either. That would be my reasoning, anyway. It may be faulty reasoning. Wouldn’t be the first time.

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  15. Entitled people make me wanna scream. I laughed so hard at Austen with his manly drill and WD40! “Who ya gonna call?”

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  16. I only ever put Otterboxes on my phone because I’m a phone klutz. My phone hits the floor 20 times a day, minimum. People who don’t put cases on their phone make me feel like Paula when June is in a rush. So so tense.

    Your door is just not gonna give up easy, is it? Have you considered a new door? Maybe if you had tried to take the deadbolt off BEFORE you bought the house, you wouldn’t be in this predicament JUNE.

    That Central Park woman is a nightmare. She got exactly what she deserved. We have a few new-ish people in our neighborhood who walk their dogs off leash. And “off leash” apparently means “halfway up your front yard to sniff and pee” which makes my idiot dogs lose their minds. One of these days Imma open the door and release the hounds.

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      1. I have a friend who did take her door to the hardware store, holding it on top of the car, by herself. Sometimes we’ve wondered how she is still alive.

        Yours will probably be a job for the locksmith, just don’t do one of those chain-type places, get someone local. Mine is listed in my contacts, as you just never know.

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  17. People are morons. NY dog lady is a moron. But have you thought about painting the deadbolt to match the doorknob? Spray paint is my go to when I want to change things. If it’s a working lock, I’d stick paper in the keyhole so it’s usable.

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  18. It would be hilarious if every day someone new came over to try the deadbolt. Line up everyone you know in Greensboro. I wonder how many days it would take! Hee!
    That Central Park woman is a nutjob (now jobless!). And I’ll have Blackbird by the Beatles in my head all day.

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  19. When I bought my first cell phone, I asked to see all the phones they have available in blue and picked the one that was the prettiest blue and also had them play me the ringtones. It was a flip phone and as soon as I got home o got home I got out my sparkly glitter nail polish to paint butterflies on the flippy part and glitter everything possible on that phone!
    Lovely post June, thank you for sharing your weekend with us. I’m very impressed with the African violet, whenever I get one I can’t resist squishing the leaves because they are so far and juicy. This is not helpful for keeping it alive.

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  20. What an absolute piece of work that woman is. Hope that dog goes to a better person. She can keep her fake apology. Oooh that makes me so mad!

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  21. Thank you for writing today. I am sorry that you were late for work – my fault, I read slowly to stretch out your story. I was sad, but your writing, as always, takes me away from myself. Nothing serious, just the times.

    Laurie in NB, Canada

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  22. OH MY GOD I’M SO FRAZZLED NOW. Yes, there is something ridiculous in my brain that, when it reads that JUNE is in a hurry, suddenly Brain has to read everything in a hurry. Stupid brain. And then I’m tense. Tense-r.

    The NYT has this headline: White Woman Calls Police on Black Bird Watcher in Central Park, which, if you read it like I did, makes it seem like the bird watcher only watches black birds.

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    1. HA! The NYT article also refers to “Karen, slang for an entitled white woman!” I think the Black Bird Watcher said that.

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      1. That woman, Amy?, is a hot mess. “Threatening me and my dog,” while she practically causes the dog to stop breathing. Although her life has now gone to dog shit. The poor dear.

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