Cheeseburger in pandemic-dice

Last night, I made Gouda cheeseburgers with onion and tomato jam. I know! Who even am I? I also roasted sliced potatoes and dipped them in this sauce made from, among other things, sour cream and mayonnaise. Ima weigh 750 pounds.

But I’ve also been working out a lot. My trainer is moving this week and she’s all behind and overwhelmed so we can’t meet till Saturday, so I’ve whipped out my good friend, fmr., Tracy Anderson. It’s funny, I’d kind of forgotten but then immediately knew the stuff she was gonna say. Her instructions make no sense.

“Don’t just stop where you point your toe. There needs to be an energy behind it.”

What?

“I don’t want anything to be dead. Use a lot of power, here, in this movement.”

What?

This is similarly why I don’t like yoga videos. “Lift from your heart chakra and push your soul through your pelvis.”

Use words please. Words that make sense. You California twit.

Anyway I’ve been doing her, and also eating Gouda cheeseburgers, so in the end I will look exactly the same. But at least I made an hour go by in this, my year of being at home.

I have good news on the Fitz front: Today he came to the bowl when I fed them, and he let me pet him while he ate. Hissy’s fur is soft and full, and his is thin and brittle. I feel so bad for him. He just needs the love of a good woman. I can change him.

Anyway he even purred for a bit when I petted him. So I have faith and I’m pulling my chakras from my solar plexus.

Really, I love him so. I can’t stand it that he’s a scared kitten, and it’s so hard to not try to swoop him up and kiss his orange head and pet his fur till it gets soft. But if I tried that he would die of 15 heart attacks. So I keep doing what I’m doing, which is sitting in here all day and giving off an “I’m no threat” vibe.

Also, I’ve pulled that damn health-filled Hissy off the food a little. I hold her and pet her and she preens and smiles and waves to the crowd. I think she’s bogarting the food, man. Don’t be a bogart. God, junior high was a stupid time.

Did you smoke the gange in high school or junior high? I did, but just to seem cool [Disclaimer: She never seemed cool] and I never, to this day, liked the feeling of being high. My ex-best friend used to say I got dumb when I smoked it, and that she’d whip out old jokes and I’d give her the blank look.

Who wants to seem dumb and be out of it?

That said, I do enjoy the feeling of a Xanax. I have so many drugs here: opiates from my surgery, Ritalin and Adderall, Xanax from that Fall of Cancer anxiety that I had. And do I take any of them? No. They’re just sitting here gathering dust while I look at fireflies. I need to get with the program. I could get into dolls, man.

[Disclaimer: She still does not look cool.]

Who’s cool at 54? Anyone? I guess that one Iris lady, not my cat but that old lady with the giant glasses who has all the fun fashions. She’s cool. Anyone else?

Barack Obama is cool. In his 50s. You gotta give him credit for overcoming a name like Barack.

That’s all I can — oh, Clint Eastwood. He’s cool. He’s like 179.

Other than that we’re just old. And invisible. Which is a shame, cause if anyone saw me, they could have a Gouda cheeseburger.

Succinctly,
June

P.S. Does anyone local have any old grocery bags? I am plumb out from cleaning litter boxes 400 times a day. Let me know and we’ll find a safe way to exchange, or alternatively we can cough on each other. Thanks.

P.P.S. Oh! I forgot to tell you! I ordered a meat thermometer after I cooked chicken the other night, ate almost all of it, then saw pink and prepared to die. Anyway it came and OHMYGOD, not only does it work easily, it has a built-in bottle opener AND…

ANNNND

a magnet so you can keep it on the fridge!

I need to get out more.

57 thoughts on “Cheeseburger in pandemic-dice

      1. On the floor, sitting in a circle, in Tom’s room. And weren’t you with me when we went to Arby’s afterward and they couldn’t understand our order? After we tried really hard to pull our act together and order in our best “I’m sober” voices? We were so proud of ourselves and the woman who took our order just goes “what??”

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        1. Oh my god, that sounds like us, but I can’t recall. Tom and his woman posters. Fooling precisely no one.

          I remember being drunk at Taco Bell and my ex ordering nachos with sour cheese. What alcohol?

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  1. When “my” yoga class was meeting, the leader sometimes said odd stuff like “plant your foot, now rotate your thigh muscle inward,” and the leg wasn’t really moving but when I thought about doing it, I felt something working—I’d say nerves, maybe, not energy, but a good thing.

    Then there was a teacher who lost track once and told us to touch our elbows to our shoulders. That didn’t happen.

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    1. I remember you told me after one of “your” yoga classes that you’d released your hips. And that if they didn’t come back they were never yours to begin with. That was really one of your more stellar lines.

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      1. You inspire me.
        Also I have three cloth grocery bags crammed with plastic grocery bags. Let’s figure out how I can throw them at you.

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  2. So, I did not know fashion Iris, so I looked her up. She is 98! Iris Apfel. Her husband of 67 years, Carl, died a few years back at 100. Wow.

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  3. I went to a yoga class when I was in university at the Women’s Center (except at that time they were spelling it “Womyn,” which makes the spelling nerd in me cringe!), and the womyn leading it told us to feel the connection between our uteruses (uterii?) and the center of the earth. I snickered. I couldn’t help it. And the more I tried not to, the more I kept thinking about this glowing thread connecting me to the center of the earth, and the more it hit my funny bone. By the end I had this huge grin on my face and tense muscles from trying to hold in the laughter. I had to duck into the womyn’s room to have a good laugh.

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  4. I love that Iris “more is more, less is a bore” woman. She is my spirit animal aside from her politics.
    Yes, I smoked pot in high school. Only once in ninth grade but semi regularly in the Spring of my senior year. I had a friend with a pot head boyfriend. Much time was spent riding around in his Dart listening to The Eagles Hotel California. I still hate that darn song. I never got paranoid from it then. Ironically my late husband’s legal medicinal pot made me feel that way. Percocet puts me on a pink happy cloud but makes me poop rock. I’m glad, no risk of addiction. I like the downers, I’m too naturally hyper for uppers. I have Xanax and Lexapro but after eight years Xanax just calms me down. We went to a bar after one of my husband’s many surgeries. He still had his hospital bracelet on and this guy wanted to buy his pain meds that we hadn’t even filled yet. Maybe that is how one sells drugs? Otherwise I am clueless. Oh and also too, pot gummi bears rock. That was a great widow gift I got in the mail, a cat mug, special gummis and some chocolate.

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  5. I’ll comment as soon as the last of my soul is extracted from my pelvis. Am I supposed to pant and not push or PUSH PUSH PUSH?

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  6. We we just about out of the regular grocery bags because they banned them here. Then when the pandemic started they wouldn’t let us use the reusable ones so now we have a new stock.

    Here’s hoping your stressed kitty can absorb some of your calm.

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  7. I honestly thought fireflies were something fake you’d only see on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. Then I went to Iowa for my cousins wedding and saw Real Life Fireflies. Of course, I thought I was having an acid flashback but still.

    Oh, high school. I did me a lot of drugs in high school (Class of ’81). How am I not dead? Smoked the Devil’s Lettuce, did coke for the first time at my Junior Prom, tried Angel Dust (100% do NOT recommend). Good times. The partaking of the hallucinogenics came after high school. One of the funnest nights of my life was when my BFF and I took acid and stayed up all night sitting on the roof of a building on Main St in downtown Huntington Beach with some friends, just talking and laughing and enjoying life.

    Of course, those days are long gone. I barely even drink these days and I don’t like taking prescription meds. No Xanax, Valium, opioids etc. Never have. When I broke my wrist and was prescribed Vicodin, I didn’t take it because I don’t like the way any of that stuff makes me feel. However, as soon as recreational marijuana was legalized here, I stampeded down to my local dispensary and got me some edibles for sleep. CBD oil didn’t do diddly squat so I went straight to the THC stuff. Now I get a wonderful night’s sleep and highly recommend it.

    Signed,
    Druggy McDruggerson

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  8. Lovely post, June. I snorted when I read, “I feel so bad for him. He just needs the love of a good woman. I can change him.” You is funny.

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  9. A mama wild turkey and her 10 thousand maniac chicks visited our house yesterday. Hours of me & the cats staring out the window chittering. We all wanted to hug the babies. They were shorter than the lawn. I almost fainted from cuteness exposure.

    Darling, your narrator is way harsh (w the never cool insert). I guess this will tell my age, but I thought your look was edgy/cool in an eff u world way in your Box of Clothing photo series thanks to your gray roots and gloriously big hair. (But I’m also glad u r happy with your freshly dyed hair. You look lovely either way.) But seriously, fire your narrator. U r 2 cool June.

    Loving the kitten stories. Warms my bitter heart. Soon Bigfoot will have silky soft someone feeds me pricey cat food fur. Sooooon.

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  10. Gouda cheeseburgers sound good! Was the cheese stuffed in the middle? I keep seeing burger recipes like that and I want to try it.

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  11. Fire Flies!! We went for a walk in the woods the other night and it was pure MAGIC. I am still in the wonder of it all.
    I know I have been MIA–summer classes suck. I am caught up again, for now. I feel like I will see you in a couple weeks when I (again) say F-it, I am reading June. I will curse you on Thursday night when I have to pull (another) all-nighter.

    Love the new kitties!!

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  12. Look at you, becoming a gourmet cook! I hadn’t thought of those boxes as a teaching tool. We are eat up with fireflies here.

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  13. Poor Fitz with his bad hair. I sympathize. Also, too? Older women being invisible is definitely a thing. I know from personal experience and it can hurt.

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  14. Congrats on the fireflies! Here in Missouri, all I’m seeing are those damn Japanese beetles. I hate those things. They are a devouring menace.

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  15. If you ever want me to mail you grocery bags just say the word. I have eleventy-trillion of them.
    I’ve never smoked the pot. But I have enjoyed a Valium when I’ve been given them before procedures. It’s such a lovely little pill.

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  16. I really enjoyed this not-blog entry!! I was the same way in high school. NEver did anything, tried the reefer and pretended to love it when I was a senior to fit in with the cool cats and kittens. It dumbed me down and made me an introvert, too.
    I tried the cooking subscription boxes and LOVED them! I am an experienced cook but using them was like playing house and I liked the new recipes and having dinner all decided with no decisions, not even shopping for ingredients. I cook dinner every night for4 ,so budget-wise it was not sustainable, but I enjoyed the heck out of the trial offers, and so did the family.

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  17. I didn’t try the gange until I was out of high school and had an older boyfriend who smoked. I tried it 2-3 times. Like you, I didn’t like the high feeling. I don’t like feeling out of control like that. Not a big drinker either, for that reason.

    Yay for Fitz! He’ll be your best friend soon.

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  18. Gouda cheese burger sounds delicious. Right now kitten food sounds yummy. I tried pot a couple of times but it made me too paranoid. CBD did nothing. However right now I’m in bizarro world from a steroid benadryl combo that I took for a ct scan. Hence the hunger pangs.

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  19. Isn’t “I think I can change him” a big no-no when entering a relationship? Maybe that doesn’t apply to kittens.

    I am with you on the “what am I supposed to push where so I feel it in my what?” – when it comes to yoga. I need straight forward instructions. That cheseburger sounds like a bit of paradise.

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  20. Your cooking adventures are making me want to try a subscription box. It sounds adventurous! I had a close, face-to-face encounter with a firefly the other night. There have been more this year, up on this mountain. We are covered with wildlife. There are lots of deer. I have to bring in the hummingbird feeders so that the local raccoon mob won’t make the deck a sticky mess, stampeding through my flowers in the process. They are joined by a few possums and that sod in the front yard keeps getting torn up by armadillos. I saw my first ground hog the other day!

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    1. I have not. Does it cost? I actually like the litter setup I have with my regularly scheduled cats. It involves a pee pad at the bottom of the tray that I can slide out and toss. But the fosters have old-fashioned litter and they seem to go way more often than the adult cats.

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      1. It is like $20-30. Totally worth it. You can get it at Target/Amazon/what have you. I got it when I lived in an apartment and didn’t want to have to take a bag to the dumpster every day.

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  21. Am I at the right not blog? All this fancy cooking, I’m impressed. I won’t even weigh, because all we have done the past three months is eat, eat, eat, mostly comfort food rather than the healthy stuff we used to eat. Eating fresh vegetables requires more trips to the grocery store and I’ve tried really hard to stay out of stores. I hate grocery shopping even before the virus hit. Our garden has started to produce some very nice vegetables and we are really enjoying them. That little Fitz is going to be in your lap by July 1, you just wait, he’s getting there. I know this is going to be shocking, but I’ve never smoked the pot. I have some CBD oil that a friend gave me for my husband to try for his back pain, but so far he hasn’t been brave enough to see if it will give him some relief. I do have a collection of pain relief that was acquired when he fell and cracked his back. I’m saving the Valium for my next attempt at a dental implant, which is not that far away. I take it so I’ll show up at the dentist office.

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    1. Okay, first of all, Tee, he won’t get high from CBD oil, I promise. I tried it for sleep and it gave me a migraine but really, that’s not the part that gets you high so he’s good, there. Maybe you knew that but just in case you didn’t, being the John and Yoko that you two are, with all your drugs. Also, what kind of vegetables? My cousin Katie also planted a garden and her husband even built a greenhouse and what I need is a handy man. And a candyman.

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      1. We have cucumbers, yellow squash, zucchini, heirloom tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, bell pepper, green beans and okra. We had our first tomato sandwich for lunch today, which is the best part of summer. As soon as we get our blood drawn next week we’ll add bacon to the tomato sandwiches. I really don’t know why we are waiting about the bacon considering all the other junk food we have been eating the past three months. If I tell my husband the CBD oil gave you a migraine he’ll never try the stuff. Yeah, we are the John and Yoko. Ha!

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        1. That all sounds delicious. How fun. I remember Marvin trying to plant peas and he looked behind him and every pea he planted Tallulah had walked behind him, dug it up and eaten the seed.

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  22. P.S I was same as you as far as weed and last couple of months I’ve been buying it in my legal state and now that I’m 61 I am enjoying the groovy feeling. I do think it can be overused though. That stash you have has got a good street price on all that.

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  23. “Everybody say I’m cool Everybody say I’m cool(he’s cool)…
    …I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do, life’s been good to me … so far…”

    And Lucky 32 you, seeing fireflies. I’ve seen one all season. Fire. Fly. I think they’re sheltering in place.

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