Wherein mom pimps me out to the AT&T guy

You know how in movies someone will be lost in the forest and then they find a cabin with an old hermit living in it? You know how the old hermit always wordlessly serves the visitor gruel and remains silent the entire time?

Suddenly that seems unrealistic. If you’re stuck with NO VISITORS for AGES, wouldn’t you chatter at one like a magpie?

At least that was my story yesterday with the AT&T guy. As you know, from your now-giant tome of June Events, my internet broke to bits and it was wreaking havoc on m’work, which is, you know, internet-based now that we’re all home. I have to say, I called AT&T and they answered right away, and they scheduled me for the next day, and the guy got here right on time. It’s sad that that’s now our standard for good customer service. “They did the bare minimum! Hooray!!”

Speaking of which, a card came in the mail yesterday and I assumed it was a birthday card from one of my more organized relatives such as my Aunt Kathy, who is a Virgo. Sending a card 15 days early? Of course! You gotta make sure it GETS there!

Anyway, it wasn’t. It was a birthday card, for Edsel, on his actual birthday, FROM CHEWY. If you aren’t getting your pet supplies from Chewy I can’t imagine why not. They send (most of) Edsel’s meds on a regular schedule (I was on the fence about his arthritis meds so I haven’t set it up yet) at a discount, they send food the same way, and they send flea meds each month too, FOR CHEAPER. Oh, and litter! Do you know how nice it is to only lug in litter from the front door to the back room as opposed to across the store, at the checkout, to the car, from the car to home?

DO YOU? Litter boxes have this hard terrible narrow strap that digs into your hand and visits your bones. It’s awful. With Chewy, my bones are visited less often!

I know I sound like a Chewy ad, but seriously.

Anyway what was I talking about? [scrolls up]

Oh, yes, AT&T.

The guy came on time, and he was masked, and I was masked, and masked-edly we went into the kitten room where my modem is and the modem was dead. No one tipped it over or ruined it, it just died of natural causes like Carl Reiner. So he gave me a new one and we had to sit there awhile while it did whatever and he told me about his three dogs.

He has a German shepherd, an Australian shepherd—apparently he needs a lot of things herded—and some sort of poodle/shih tzu mix.

“Is that last one the selection of some woman?” I asked. You’ll be stunned to hear it was. And then he told me they’d broken up and she’d left all three dogs with him. So here’s this big country guy with some teensy shitty white dog. He seemed to really like the shitty little dog, though, and when I asked who the alpha was he said she was. So that was interesting.

“Why can’t you date him?” asked my mother, who spent all the other days of my life telling me you don’t need a man.

“Well, first of all, he was like 25,” I said.

“So?” said Gloria Steinem, over there with her fish and a bicycle.

This may sound very snobbish to you but I could never date a man with a tiny dog.

I have to go copy edit something. Don’t let me forget to tell you that Chris and Lilly have even MORE kittens now—it’s a whole thing. And they did invite me over to meet the other kittens and I said, “Oh, I can’t this day and that day” and then we never did set up a day.

I had my trainer. In case you’re all, But June is a hermit with gruel. Why couldn’t she zip over there ANY day?

Okay, seriously, I’m really going. I have something due at noon I’m scared I won’t finish by noon.

Meanwhile, the gruel is over there in a pot by the fire. WTF is gruel?

Solo-ly,
Jupe

60 thoughts on “Wherein mom pimps me out to the AT&T guy

  1. I love little non-shedding lap dogs because I’m not here to vacuum nonstop and shovel dog crap, but I am here for the unconditional love and snuggles. Funny thing is, I have always wanted an English bulldog but my husband insists on only small dogs. He’s confident enough to not need a big old dog to prove he’s a man! Ha! Poor AT&T guy never gets a chance with All That because he didn’t rehome little yap dog. I wonder if Edsel would love a little furry dog. Mine are basically like friendly cats.

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  2. I crack up every time I look at the picture of Milhous sitting in the birdbath, Obviously, he is oblivious to the squirrel right behind him.

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  3. Why can’t you date the younger guy, Sofia Vergara, and Mary Tyler Moore and Jennifer Lopez and Heidi Klum and a whole host of other cougars. After all, we still outlive the menfolk, right?

    Chewy is awesome. I sometimes feel sorry for the UPS driver when I see him struggle with 50 pounds of cat litter, 2 huge bags of dry food and a box of 30 count Fancy Feast, but I get over it real fast. It’s a dog eat dog world.

    The woman who fosters and rescues (who I mentioned yesterday) orders so much pet stuff from Amazon and Chewy, that the last time her order was delivered, the damn driver blocked her front door so she couldn’t even open the door! That’s just not right.

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  4. Well, Chewy is apparently more conscientious and considerate than my vet. Yesterday was Maisie’s 1st birthday and she got an email from the vet saying something like “We think this is your birthday! But maybe not! May be it’s some other day this month! Or whenever! But anyway — Happy Birthday! Some day.”

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  5. I’m not big on shitty little dogs either. I prefer a dog of substance. Actually, I would really love all my pets, be they dog, cat, rabbit, guinea hog, pig, or whatever to be black and white. To me, there’s just something about a black and white animal.
    It’s funny, I like big dogs and cats, but would love a miniature goat, horse, pig, fuzzy Scottish cow.
    I’m thankful AT&T guy got your internet up and running.
    Enjoy the fireflies tonight!

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  6. I have always been a Big Dog person. Labs, in particular. Then when my old Lab died, we adopted a Border Collie (allegedly) Australian Shepherd (allegedly) mix from a shelter. She has zero behavioral characteristics of either breed but she’s sweet, although very twitchy. She’s a weird dog. But we love her. Then one day, my son brought home a Chihuahua (pronounced “Chi HOO uh HOO uh in our household) for us to foster (he didn’t ask permission). Within 30 minutes, we were all completely whipped. I have never liked small yap dogs but damned if this little Napoleon of a dog didn’t steal our hearts. She’s become my husband’s “emotional support” dog and she has changed his life (and therefore, ours) for the better. When he’s feeling stressed from work, she just snuggles up to him and he pets her and you can see the tension leave his body. She runs our household. If a fire broke out, my husband would save that dog and leave the rest of us to fend for ourselves.

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  7. Chewy is the best! We used customer support a couple times and it was refreshingly straight forward. (What you wrote about the new standard for customer service is so true. Also why the heck is impossible to find how to contact customer service for some merchants?)

    We also buy from a local independent pet supply store and discovered that they deliver too! So now we split our millions between the two since indie store doesn’t carry everything we need (nor Chewy).

    I can’t believe Chris and Lilly have more kittens. They have horses too don’t they? Next you’ll say they have an awesome dog and a spacious parking pad & they will be living my ideal life.

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  8. “You know how in movies someone will be lost in the forest and then they find a cabin with an old hermit living in it? You know how the old hermit always wordlessly serves the visitor gruel and remains silent the entire time?”

    You must watch different movies than me. I can safely say I have never seen this situation.

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      1. Would that just be silent and the audience gets some gruel? I think gruel is some sort of watery, gritty oatmeal, but I could be wrong.

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        1. I think you are right or spot on as the Brits say. Blech. It is served for breaskfast in the musical Oliver.

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  9. The last few walks I have taken I have crossed paths with a large sized man with his three itty bitty sized dogs. He tries not to trip over their leashes and they all look mad and I just feel like he looks ridiculous. I assume they are all his wife’s dogs and he must be incredibly giving/patient.

    I am allergic and 6 kids with their eating and doc visits and shots and messes and teens acting feral is enough so I pretend hypoallergenic is not an option. My allergist told me to NEVER consider it anyway. BUT if I could own a pet it would be a BIG dog. Partial to Old English Sheep dogs. I know, all that fur and allergies. It’s a cruel world.

    My mom was always trying to find a match for my painfully shy sister. I remember being embarrassed in a GAP back when I was in hs because mom was doing the raised eyebrow, half nod in the GAP worker’s direction at my sister like ‘Go. Ask if he can find these in your size.’ Shameless. Now same sis is divorced and in her 50s and mom is still like ‘oh wouldn’t he be nice for yiur sister?’

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  10. Only little dogs I’m not crazy about are the chi-wawas (I know that’s not correct spelling, lazy today). In grade school we lived in Germany, as my father was an Army officer. Neighbors above us had a *family* of chi-dogs, and we all had hardwood floors. Back and forth that little pack of chi-dogs would go across the floors, with their little nails clacking away. I don’t think I ever met them, but I sure did know them.

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  11. In defense of shitty little dogs – the dog I have now (Winnifred, or Winnie, or Freddie, depending on my mood) is THE BEST, smartest, most laid back dog I have EVER had. She’s a chihuahua/matlese/wild card mix, short-haired. Of the many, many dogs I have had, she’s the only one I have ever been able to let sleep with me – she gets up there and she’s like a stone, man. I love her so bad, I do. But to each her own.

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          1. I have to give props to the big guy with the little dog. He stepped up. It is kinda like the Mom who goes off and just leaves her kids, not caring. The Dad steps up and raises fabulous children who succeed. I admire that. Saying this, I am a big dog lover. The bigger the better. I want mine to weigh in at least 90 to 100 pounds.

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  12. If you ever get over to see Chris & Lily’s new kittens and one of them is a fuzzy orange girl, I know someone who would want it.

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  13. One more thing, I felt so bad about you getting a migraine yesterday after you had to go get your no-spleen shot and had to climb the stairs and it was hot and now it’s JU-ly and your insurance has flipped that I tipped $11.00 for migraine meds for JU-ly. I guess now I should have also bought the insurance for the purchase in case they don’t work.

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    1. I mean. Look. I know some people just don’t like cats. I understand that. I just don’t see the appeal of tiny dogs, and the majority of them seem to be tiny white dogs. They do nothing for me. I’M SORRY. Then sometimes I meet a small white dog and I’m all, awww. That one was cute.

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      1. Of course I get that. There were two men I did not particularly like who were colleagues of Distinguished . When one came to look at the garden Humphrey bit him 3 times on the leg before we could stop. him. Just nips. Little nips. And I kissed his little lips. The other guy was over for drinks and Humphrey chewed one tassel off his very expensive Italian loafer without any of us knowing it. God, I loved that dog. He had the heart of a lion and the finesse of a …snake.

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  14. DAMMIT. I forgot to say that I also love Chewy! When our last dog died, I went on Chewy to reconfigure my auto-ships and cancel the dog things. I was clearly still grieving, or was just an idiot, because the next delivery was THIRTY TWO POUNDS of cat food. Note: I have TWO cats. They eat maybe a cup of food a day. We are good until about Thanksgiving, unless one of them suddenly decides to hate this food.

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    1. I did that same thing. Not that any dog died; I’d have led with that. But somehow I ended up ordering the King Kamehameha bag of cat food. It didn’t even all fit into the cat-food tin, so for months—MONTHS—now I’ve had that bag of food folded and clipped and each day I take out the damn CUP of cat food, like you said, out of that bag and oh my god that bag, it will never empty.

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    2. I contacted Chewy because the cat decided he no longer liked his usual brand of food I had just bought a 32 can case of it. I asked if I could return it. And they refunded me and told me to give the rest of the box to a local shelter.

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  15. I do love Chewy for dog food. But if you want really good prices for drugs, try Costco. For both me and the dog. I was shocked how much cheaper her flea meds were. For the dog, not me.

    Also, I noticed you have pears. Are they the hard ones? We had a tree in MS and my old, super southern neighbor would make me cobbler with my pears.

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      1. Yeah, I remember that. You can really only bake them. Use them like an apple in a pie or whatever. I guess you can make preserves. Or, cook them with sugar and cinnamon and put over ice cream. Omg, I’m so hungry!

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  16. I love Chewy. I don’t have to go from store to store looking for the flavor of food my cat will eat. Several weeks ago my husband was running critically low on a med CVS couldn’t get it, so I googled. The first on the list that had it in stock was Chewy, now if I can get the vet to write the Rx.

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    1. Ding DANG it, Tee. I meant to stock up on migraine meds before my INsurance, as they say it here, flipped back over in July. It’s the difference between paying $11 and nothing, but still.

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      1. INsurance. UMbrella. THANKSgiving. These are correct. I love to joke-argue with my yankee friends about their pronunciation.

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  17. Dying. Our BFFs have two tiny shitty dogs. One Bichon Frise and one Chihuahua. The dogs. The friends are American. (They used to have a medium shitty dog, a cocker spaniel. Morte.) Anyway, it looks BEYOND RIDICULOUS when Mr. BFF walks these two. And he knows it and has no patience with them. He’s not unkind or mean, but he’s all business, like his being all stern and gruff makes up for the puffball and cheez doodle at the end of the leashes. He’s better with them indoors, OF COURSE, where his manliness is not in question. Meanwhile, we have a big dog (greyhound) who’s very timid and skittish. The other day it was pouring and my husband took her outside. He opened the umbrella and she about jumped out of her fur and tried to hide. Apparently that was her first Umbrella Experience. She doesn’t like loud noises either, and not “loud” like firecrackers (OMG, this weekend should be interesting. will report) but “loud” like when I put away the pots. Or if I yell at Albert which happens frequently. (He’s an asshole.)(Albert is a cat, not my husband.) And this is when I get really tacky: our dog was fostered by a couple and the wife was hearing impaired. So wouldn’t you think the dog would be used to things being loud? APPARENTLY NOT. Nor does she know sign language.

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  18. I am currently living with three not at all shitty little dogs and one big ass blue heeler/pit mix. And just who do you think is the biggest baby and whiner? That would be the big one! Watching the two terrier boys run and play is fun.
    I wouldn’t want someone young enough to be my son either. Nyet, I prefer a grown up.
    I’m glad your internet problems were do quickly resolved.

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  19. I have a 13 year old Aussie Shepard, the light of my life. I inherited her when the love of my life passed in 2015. The dog and I have taken care of each other ever since.

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    1. Okay, mono light, whoever you are, why do I know nothing about you? Did I miss a memo? I’m liking your comment because of June’s funny comment. I’m sorry about the passing of the love of you life whether it be man, woman, or turtle. Love’s of life matter.

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      1. I know; after I wrote that, I thought, Did he mean a person? I thought he meant a dog. But maybe he meant a person and there I was being all hilarious.

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        1. I meant a person, but no worries at all. She, the aforementioned person, had the Aussie Shepard, and I was asked, prior to her passing, if I would be able to take care of the dog. I said yes, and the dog and I have been together since late 2015. I made a promise to a dying woman; i’m afraid that if I screw this up, I’ll get haunted.

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