Pear-is

It’s 7:46 a.m. and we are all in the backyard right now. Iris is way over at the fence, eating grass. I feel like she never feels all that great these days; grass helps animals when they’re nauseated. I take her to my new probably-cute-but-how-can-you-know vet the first Saturday of August and I am glad.

Edsel is four inches from me, holding his bunny in his mouth and surveying his domain.

Milhous is sitting on the patio portion of the yard with his ears back like a devil.

And Lily, Lily of all people, has dashed off to portions of the yard unseen. There’s probably an all-you-can-eat buffet in back of the garage or something. That’s awful. Poor Lily. It’s just…Lily outside. It’s like me outside. What are we even doing here? This isn’t our place. Our place is indoors, on the confines of the couch or what have you.

So far today I’ve already given Edsel his possibly needless heart medicine, his definitely needed arthritis medicine, AND I’ve soaked his foot in his medicated shampoo and when did I become servant to a mutt that I got in a gas station parking lot in Mt. Airy?

Do you know what I need? A rake. One of those stiff rakes. The pears are falling off my tree again, and it recalls last year after my car accident, when I was so stiff that I couldn’t reach under the tree and get said fallen pears, and 9,39393,39303,49543 wasps made a home in my pear parts. My tree was the New York of pear trees. ‘Twas the big pear city.

It was Pear-is.

Anyway I don’t go IN to Lowe’s yet, but I might just order me a rake and have it sent, which I’m sure the deliveryman will delight over. Delivering a rake. Convenient!

Maybe I could do curbside. Are they still doing curbside? I’m not going into Lowe’s. It’s as busy as my m’pear tree in August.

Ah! Here’s Lily! Coincidentally she’s emerging from under the pear tree. I could get my phone and photograph everyone, but first of all you all know what everyone looks like and you know what my yard looks like, and never let it be said June Gardens didn’t squeeze every last drop out of this backyard circa 2020.

Hey, I need advice.

I am too scared to go in my shed now that I saw that snakeskin in there, which means I cannot access the birdseed. If you think in a million years I’m walking in there and OPENING A GARBAGE CAN, which is where the birdseed is. It’d be like when you open one of those gag gift things where the snake jumps out at you.

I don’t KNOW how I think a snake is going to open a garbage can. I just know he will.

My question was going to be where can I store my birdseed from here on out but I think I just solved it myself. I’ll just buy smaller amounts, so I can dump all of it into the feeders and have none left over, thereby solving the “where to store the seed cause it ain’t going in the garage” dilemma.

Not far from me, there’s a tiny locally owned hardware store that time forgot. Maybe I can get up my courage and my mask, head to the hardware store and get BOTH a rake and a small bag of birdseed.

June Gardens: problem-solver.

That hardware store inexplicably has mounted animals all over the walls. Ima guess the hardware store owner’s wife said, You are NOT displaying this moose in our home so he had to pop it up there in the store. This is why marriage is dumb.

When I agreed to move to Los Angeles, Marvin got us an apartment before I got there. “I decorated it a little,” he said. And he really did a great job! He got these cool midcentury modern displays for my snow globes. I used to collect snow globes. And he got all this cool quirky stuff to adorn our mantle.

But he also hung license plates in the living room. He thought it was perfectly acceptable to use license plates in the living room. He was aghast when I said they weren’t staying.

One new year’s eve, Ima hazard a guess that it was 1998 going into 1999, we had a party. In retrospect it wasn’t that fun of a party, as the guests were duds and I can say that because none of them read this blog. Don’t go to a party and not try. It’s awful.

Anyway, I had to work and he didn’t that week, so I asked him to head to the party supply store and get banners and streamers and those things you blow at midnight (my high school swim team) and little plates for snacks and napkins.

Nowadays I wouldn’t use paper for plates or napkins, because I am the very height of sophistication. Pear-is is in my backyard, after all.

I swear a pear just dropped as soon as I wrote that.

In my MIND, which is a terrible place to be, Marvin perhaps bought all black and silver accessories. Black paper plates. Silver napkins. Or maybe burgundy. That would be wintery and sort of post-Christmas-looking.

When I got home, not only had Marvin gone to the party supply store and bought the stuff, he’d even hung it up dutifully. And?

Smiley faces.

Smiley faces streamed across our dining room becomingly. The plates smiled up at me yellowly from the table.

Smiley-face napkins. Smiley-face noisemakers.

“What?” asked Marvin, whom I later divorced. “They were on special.”

Anyway.

It’s now 8:12 and I’d better shower before “going to” work. I had my trainer last night and wish to refresh this whole look I’ve got going.

As an update, Edsel is still four inches from me, his bunny at his side, Lily is lying under the hydrangea and now Iris and Milhous have disappeared to the all-you-can-eat buffet behind the garage.

Necessarily,
June

47 Comments

  1. Yay, you’re getting that fence debt paid down! Woo hoo!
    You love all things Catholic? Come over here and proof the Catholic Faith agenda books I’m proofing. Interesting, all those saints’ days and vestment colours. But my capacity for boredom is limited, alas. On the other hand, some of those saints’ stories are interesting. Like the one who was seen floating in the air. Ree-heally????
    Now I don’t remember what else I was going to comment on. There was something. Oh well. I’m sure you’ll manage without it. -Kate

    Like

  2. Between “a career girl in 1973” yesterday and the swimming team today, you have me in stitches dearest Joob.
    I also wanted to say I’m currently pregnant and the nausea is killing me slowly, so perhaps I will ingest some grass as poor Iris does

    Like

  3. Each time I read today’s title, I can’t help but think of that childhood ditty:
    I see Pear-is, I see France
    I see Lily’s underpants.

    Okay, okay. it wasn’t actually Pear-is in the original, but I like this version.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Man, I have been absent. I had to read some posts where the comments were CLOSED. Geez. I was so happy to read about your pandemic birthday celebration(s). I know I wished you a happy day on face(book of June), but that was a quick scroll. I would much rather linger over your words. It has been a wonderful afternoon of doing just that. Your cat that LIlly & Chris have is so adorable–and you are right 4 cats, that is no big deal at all. I am rooting for Edsel. It would be such a gift to have his heart healthy.

    I love reading your posts, June.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I know it’s been said many times already in the comments today but the line “…those things you blow at midnight (my high school swim team)” is THE funniest line I think you’ve ever written. I am still snortling* about it.
    *somewhere between a snort and a chortle.

    Like

  6. Unlike your shed with sssnakes, and Paula’s with rodents, my son’s shed is the breeding ground for the world’s largest and most disgusting cockroaches. No one goes in there. No one opens the door. No, you kids don’t need to ride your bikes. It is awful. Occasionally, it gets opened and roach killer tossed in.
    Roaches aside, this was a lovely post. Thanks so much.

    Like

  7. “…those things you blow at midnight (my high school swim team)”

    You just killed me dead with that one. Good thing I wasn’t taking a drink of something when I read that because it would have shot out my nose. Oh, I’m going to be snickering over that line all day long!

    Like

  8. Your writing always makes me laugh but it was an outright guffaw at “… things you blow at midnight (my high school swim team)”

    Like

  9. I have a row of pear trees and nary a pear. They must only be some sort of flowering tree that has stolen the pear’s good name. Not that I even like pears or would eat them, I’m just saying. A pear tree should bear pears.

    We have a shed and now I will never, no not ever, go in it again. I know there were mice in there a few years ago because the fuckers chewed holes in my deck chair cushions. So now my (new)(ish) cushions are secured. A mouse I could maybe deal with. A snake? Should be a shoe or a purse.

    My son now thinks he has a mouse in his car (SUV. truck. whatever). Claims he saw mouse turds. I would have already sold that vehicle, but he actually got in it and drove somewhere. I can’t even. I am shuddering just thinking about it. And by “mouse,” he means any small rodent: vole, shrew, chipmunk, etc. I don’t care. Sell it. Unless what he actually saw was not turds, but chocolate sprinkles, WHICH IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I love this post.
    Burgundy. The year 1999. Back yards early in the morning with meandering pets.
    I miss all those things so bad.

    Like

  11. As the daughter of a retired taxidermist, I can almost guarantee that is exactly what hardware-man’s wife told him. Wives can be weird.

    Also, too, I know you asked about bird seed, which you seem to have already figured out, because snakes. But I might try to get your paint neighbor to sprinkle this stuff in your shed: https://www.amazon.com/Ortho-Snake-Repellent-Granules-2-Pound/dp/B009QAPKL4/ref=asc_df_B009QAPKL4/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=167152392179&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=9479423960727367783&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9015356&hvtargid=pla-304444552940&psc=1&language=en_US

    Sorry that link is gigantic. Anyway, maybe he could also rearrange stuff so less is on the floor, if it is. Like put in shelves or something. I haven’t seen the inside of your shed to know if that is helpful. Not a euphamism.

    Like

  12. No photos necessary, you painted a beautiful picture with your words. These days, it’s so interesting to me to hear other people’s opinions of going out to stores. I live in one of the states that has literally flattened the curve and turned it downward and even though things are slowly reopening we are not surging, so I feel safe going to the grocery, the CVS, the Lowe’s, etc. as long as I am a masked avenger.

    Like

  13. We had a pear tree. I love fruit. Guess which fruit is the one I don’t like. The pears would drop like crazy. If I didn’t get to them fast enough, it was a bees paradise out there! It finally died and I happily arranged for its removal.

    Like

  14. Thank you for painting such a lovely morning picture with your words. The wasp-attracting pears reminded me that I was stung 3TIMES by wasps last summer when I unknowingly got near a wasp nest. Dingdang that hurt and trust me, I didn’t say dingdang at the time.

    Like

  15. I once asked my husband to pick up drink cups for a party that we (solidly middle-aged people) were having on New Year’s Day. He came home with red SOLO cups, because yeah, that’s exactly what I wanted to do, throw a kegger for the neighbors. He is no longer allowed to be in charge of anything like that.

    Also, on one of the gazillion walks I have taken since March, my daughter and I were walking on an overpass that goes over our bike trail and we noticed (because we were at tree height) that there was a large black snake lying in one of the tree branches. So now I’m worried that snakes are going to drop down on me as I bicycle on the trail. Nature is frightening.

    Like

  16. License plates belong mounted on the garage wall, oh maybe you did not have a garage. Just dawned on me. Still, never on display in the living room.

    The swim team comment killed me. Good luck extracting the bird seed from the shed.

    Like

  17. Thank you once again for putting me right there, in my mind. It is like watching a television show I really enjoy. My head works really well like that, since I am in there a lot.
    Pears , your yard man may want them or the neighbor who paints. No matter maybe one of them could pick them up into a container out front and put a free sign on them and some industrious person would probably want them . I am surprised you don’t have wildlife coming for them at night.
    You’ve already come up with the solution for bird seed so I won’t go there.
    Except that if your trash can is metal or has handles, get a bungy cord to from handle to handle to keep the lid on tight.
    Thanks for more June mornings. I could read every day, well , I do because I go back and re read the last one if you don’t post that day.

    Like

  18. Swim team and smiley faces were the highlight. Snake in the shed is a good reason to never go in there again. Love the mornings like this.

    Like

  19. I always enjoy Marvin stories. I’m glad my son doesn’t read your blog. I’d probably wake up tomorrow morning with a wall of license plates in the living room.

    Like

  20. Growing up we had 2 huge pear trees in our front yard and the pears would come crashing down on the sidewalk on onto the street where the cars would run them over. Walking through there with all the wasps was terrifying. And I don’t think we ever ate any of those pears either. I hope yours are edible.

    Like

  21. I was so happily following the imagery of your writing. My visual highlight was “Those things you blow at midnight (my high school swim team).” Thank you for the morning laugh. I also love going down (that’s what he said) Marvin memory lane. That never fails to amuse me.

    Like

    1. That’s just what I have in the snake shed. The sssssssshed. I could get a boy to drag it out and I could put it near my house, I suppose.

      Like

      1. Yes, get your yard guy to move it for you away from the ssssshed.🐍. Sorry I couldn’t resist.

        Like

  22. Great post. You didn’t need to post a single photo, because I could see it all in my mind. Don’t be hard on Lily, she learned from going to the fat farm and is so much happier in the house. I really hope the new vet can help sweet Iris and Edz finds out he doesn’t have congestive heart failure. I so understand not wanting to go inside the shed (my friend that lives in rural MD said her husband killed a timber rattlesnake yesterday, which he said is against the law because they are an endangered species, but it was in the neighbor’s yard and they have three little children that play outside all the time. I say all snakes in MY yard are endangered, because if I have anything to do with it they are going to be dead). We keep our bird seed in a metal garbage can up against our house on the patio. The squirrels or snakes can NOT get the top off that can, so the seeds are safe and they don’t get wet when it rains. Our Lowe’s is always crowded, it wasn’t that way before the shut down, but very few people are unmasked. I have to go to the grocery store today, which I hated before the virus, but I REALLY hate it now, again very few people are unmasked, so that helps, somewhat.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Skip Lowe’s and call your local neighborhood hardware store. I bet they’d deliver as well. I try as much as possible to support my local businesses, and their customer service is usually superior to the big chains. And, animals in the morning. Always love pictures of your pets.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. How to go in a shed you’re scared of (lessons learned from a shed life). Approach the door and undo the lock or turn the handle. Pause. Open the door while standing behind the door, not in front of the door (learned by a friend who opened her door and was hit splat on the chest by a cat that had been shut in the shed and was terrified and coming out fast). This lets anything inside that wants outside have free air. Wait a moment and peer around the door. Look all around. Snag the can and drag it outside and shut the door. Wait until your heartbeat returns to normal. The snake will not be in the can. I have lived with a double door shed in the back corner of the lot under and behind trees and bushes and have never ever seen any critter in there. A snake skin in the attic once, but never in the shed. And never saw the attic snake but if he was there he was eating mice so knock yourself out Snakey Lakey.
    If I lived there I’d come over and get that can out of the shed for you. And give you my faded but perfectly effective bird seed can decorated with birds that has sat inside my backdoor for 15 years but I’m moving and won’t need it anymore. I’m moving because Paula moved and it sounded like fun,

    Liked by 4 people

    1. PJ, you also painted quite a vivid picture of entering the shed and dragging out the can of birdseed.

      Wait until your heartbeat returns to normal.

      Liked by 2 people

  25. What a beautiful picture you painted with your words this morning. It was like watching a movie while I read it. Like looking through a pear-a-scope over your fence and into a few moments of your life. Thanks for the Marvin memories. I always enjoy them because Marvin is such a man person. License plates on the living room wall and smiley faces on special and drawers of cords and adaptors, Rush. I can smell the testosterone. I don’t want him, I just like to smile at him from a distance.

    Like

  26. Did you know there are metal garbage cans that are not full-sized? A small metal can for your seed could be left outside, tucked in a corner or behind something, and not need to be in the snake hotel that is your shed.

    Holy cats, is it almost a year since your accident? All these disasters are starting to blend together in the world.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. My accident was August 19, followed swiftly by Edsel being diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Coming up behind that was my needing to pee constantly and the whole “I have bladder cancer” fiasco that lasted till February, when I had SURGERY, and a month later? Pandemic. So.

      Like

      1. I very nearly said the phrase, ” well that sucked a big bag of donkey *****” in front of Distinguished a couple of months ago. Man am I glad I caught myself. I have only “enjoyed” that phrase in print Pie company and it had never crossed my lips before that moment. Close call! It surely did fit the situation though.

        Like

  27. You could get a pretty container for the seed to leave by the backdoor? With a smiley face? Ha! I think a pink or light green container would look pretty by the door, one that locks shut, not sure how tempted Edsel would be!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Why do we live so far apart? I would be your shed retriever anytime. Your poor mom ( Pam) reading about the whole swim team. Pam.
      Excellent post.

      Like

Comments are closed.