The day June got over cats

Lily injured me last night and it’s so cringey and disgusting that I won’t tell you how.

OK, I will.

She was on the coffee table and was trying to lug her girth over to the couch, which for a cat should be easy. (I guess I should have alerted you I was speaking of Lily my cat rather than Lilly my friend. Lilly my friend has no girth and she certainly wasn’t trying to leap from my coffee table to the couch. I would have lead with that. Although I guess I AM leading with that but never you mind.)

Anyway, I was absolutely exhausted, as I am wont to be lately. I get up and immediately get to work nowadays, and all day long while I’m working on one thing I get notices to work on something else. When the day is finally over, I have my trainer Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and on a day I don’t, like today, I have some other “as soon as work is over” plan. Like, today, I am going to Bona the wood floor in the living room, as I had the area rug taken out to be cleaned because you’ll be stunned to hear that after two years of dog and cat action that rug has grown dingy.

It gets back tomorrow, the area rug does, so tonight is my big chance.

Oh. And Bona is a wood-floor-cleaning system that works great.

Anyway, so by about 8:00 I am usually at the lying-on-my-couch-staring-blankly part of my evening, as I find myself absolutely drained these days.

I was in that state when Lily the cat lugged her girth over to the couch, except she did not make it over the SIX INCHES that exist between table and couch, and instead was commencing to fall between the two, except she

USED
MY
ARM

to cling on. It was a cliffhanger. An armhanger. I had a beautiful girl hanging on my arm, literally. She was like that guy in the old silent movie who hangs from the clock. So, ALL OF HER CONSIDERABLE WEIGHT was hanging BY CLAWS off my arm.

I am sorry to tell you that I screamed, because the pain was exquisite, and she freaked out and spent much time trying to remove her claws from my arm, which by the way was even exquisiter. Then she did the thing where she waddled off huffily, ears back, and normally this would be the part of the human/cat relationship where I am following fruitlessly, saying, “I’m so SORRY, Kitty! Come here, Kitty!” but at that point I just wanted both of us dead.

Today I have a perfectly paw-shaped gouge on my arm and it hurts like Hades. Please be sure to tell me how cat things can get infected because I haven’t had billions of cats my whole life or anything.

In sum, cat for sale.

Anyway, how are you? I found yesterday’s organization tips wonderful, and was particularly enamored of Laura who sent links out her ASS. This is so great! Once I Bona the floor and have arm removed I will get started on purging books. Then I will get some dividers for closet, but I have to wait a pay period, as area-rug cleaning was pricey.

Other than that nothing is new except NOTHING stops Milhous from clawing the furniture. He doesn’t care if you clap your hands or say a sharp, “No!” Edsel gets U-shaped, but Mil cares not. He likes getting squirted. He ADORED clawing past the tape I put up.

My next idea is to drive all three cats to a field, not a feld. I’ll take Iris just on principle. Drive them all out, never have cats again. Be one of those people with a tidy home and no fur on her clothes. Delete all the cat-related pages I follow, which will mean I will have one page I follow on Kate Middleton. Who by the way, has no cats and her clothes are impeccable.

I have to go. I have 10 hours of work ahead of me and then it’s Bona time. It’s like hammer time but with no big pants.

Cat lady-ly,
June

P.S. Speaking of Lilly, the mean, angry feral mom cat ESCAPED a few days ago! She got out of the cage, out of the room with a door and out of the garage. HOW? But she did. So now they are taking care of all 8 kittens even harder than they were before. I am now speaking of my friend Lilly and not my cat Lilly. Oy.

44 Comments

  1. OW. Ow, ow, ow. Sorry Lilly got you. I hope your floors are nice and shiny now. And that you got a good night’s rest.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  2. Awww…you don’t want to get rid of your kitties! Who are you going to snuggle up to on cold winter nights? Who is gonna purr you to sleep at night?

    That arm looks ouchie. Neosporain with pain relief takes the pain away. It has to be the pain relief one. I use it all the time after getting scratched.

    Have you tried clipping their nails? It just sorta blunts the ends so that when you get scratched accidentally, it doesn’t hurt so bad. There are also plastic tips you can put over their nails, but I have never had it done.

    My girls love scratching the furniture as well, especially the front of the arms. After we splurged on a new couch and love seat, I ordered some throws from Pier 1, tossed them on and so far so good. Aluminum foil works well too. They don’t like the feel of the foil on their paws. Of course it may look a little like a space ship, but it works.

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  3. Where the eff did my comment go? Dammit. Scratches like that hurt like a meffer. Also I wanted to know if anyone thought that yesterday’s blog title was a reference to fantasy Island? Because I did and I thought was funny as shit.

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  4. Ugh cat scratches. Most recent one on my knee – where it looked very strange. My Mr. Peaches dug in when I finished clipping his nails – ouch. I too prayed there would be no cat-scratch fever! My scratch healed but small scar… they really dig in don’t they? And it hurts! I know you would never take them to the field, June!

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  5. Something cat related like that happed to me. I dumped peroxide on it every hour for a week straight (but now understand my doctor advices using rubbing alcohol next time). The doc said that I should have come in to the office but hey, my home treatment worked and the pain from infection started slowly going away after 24 hours. Lily will forget what happened so don’t worry about kitty (food, sleep, eat bird… like is good). Hope you get better soon. I know it’s painful and icky to remember.

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  6. I actually have a scar on my right bicep where my fat cat tried to jump up, missed, managed to hook one claw into my bicep, and then be slid down my arm.

    So I really feel your pain.

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  7. Cat scratches are the worse. My son has a psychotic cat who two times has gone crazy and clawed up his arm.

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  8. Oh Jeebus, I just remembered the claw holes my damnass cat Marshallkitty used to make when my dumbass dad would come in the door. Damnass cat would be on my lap and dumbass dad would open door – like a terrorist – and Marshallkitty would tearass off my lap like a…oh I don’t know something actually happened that deserved moving at the speed of light immediately. I’d yell out in pain. Dad would yell out,”hello“ in return. (Dumbass) And then the blood would sleep through my pants. Good memories. Thanks. (Marshallkitty was my favorite damnass cat)

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  9. Ouch! Your story brought back memories of the many cat scratches I endured over the years, but none caused by a Lily-sized cat using my arm as a rope ladder.

    Here’s hoping you have the energy to Bona after work today.

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  10. My cat Elphaba climbed me like a piece of furniture when the terrier terror startled her. She clawed me in the face and OMG did it hurt. I was very worried about infection being a diabetic but it did heal. I had no scarring either. Your hefty girl hanging from you sounds very, very painful. I hope you heal well.

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  11. OUCH, OUCH, OUCH! I know that hurts. When I get injured by my cat, crnt., and cats, fmr., I make/made sure it bleeds, most of the time it doesn’t need any help, then pour hydrogen peroxide over the wound. I got caught between my cat, fmr., and the neighbors’ dog and sustained a very nasty gash on my leg that I drenched with peroxide and then painted it with methylate. That was fun. That is really sad about the mama kitty escaping. I had three of my Oriental rugs cleaned last summer and was shocked at the cost, I guess it had been a lot longer than I remembered since I last had them cleaned so was caught by surprise by the cost. This summer they’re offering deep discounts on rug cleaning, wouldn’t you know it.

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  12. Why are cat scratches so painful? It’s like they have venom sacks behind their claws. I’m sorry you got hurt.

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  13. That walk and look after you’ve been clawed is almost as bad as the pain. Like, “I injured you but you owe ME the apology.”

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  14. This is completely off topic, but did I miss a photo of the porch ceiling? I was really wanting to see how that turned out.

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  15. I still have claw scars on both thighs when a cat (our late, great, squishy boy Roscoe) launched off my lap for some reason. Who needs a tattoo when I have these lovely lifelong scars!

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  16. Cats – I miss having one, as much as I love my dog and the pup we’re getting in a month. Sorry she injured you with your feeding her hand.

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  17. I now have Cat Stratch Fever (berr nerr nerrrrr) stuck in my head.

    Also too, the Bona is good stuff. (twss)

    If that bruises where her little paw was, it will at least be a cute bruise. Mike the Lumbee could probably lop off the limb cheaper than the hospital could. Just bite on a leather strap and pour whiskey on it. Then you won’t have to worry about getting rona from a hospital.

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  18. Holy crap that hurts like a meffer.

    Btw, did anyone mention in the comments yesterday about the title? I assumed it was a reference to Fantasy Island and I did find it hilarious

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  19. I keep dreaming of a house with no litter boxes.I need to go back and read comments from yesterday because I also have a small house (1097 sq ft) with stuff in it. Really though, I just need to keep purging.

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  20. I like Anon’s suggestion. Get thee to a tattoo parlor and have the wound immortalized with a cat paw tattoo. It would be worth the exposure to the virus.
    I hope momma kitty comes back. Are the kittens old enough to eat on their own, or do C & L have to hand feed them?
    Lovely post, pretty June.

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    1. They have teeth and most are okay eating gruel. Chris is worried because he is stimulating them to poop and they won’t poop. That was yesterday, though, so I hope they are currently pooping all over yonder.

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      1. If they have teeth, age wise, they should be fine eating moistened dry cat food. Should be able to poop on their own. Do you want yours now? You know… Pussy Willow.

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  21. Darnit pulled a Lily a couple of years ago, only instead of couch and arm, it was bed (as I was sleeping) and chin. One single claw hooked into my chin, and “exquisite” is a very apt word to describe how that felt. It left a massive bruise instead of a gouge, though.

    I prepared a fantastic story about Idris Elba and hickys for when people asked me what happened. Naturally, no one asked.

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  22. Set the cat/kitten cage outside in the barn she will find them. For feral mom, Lilly. Oh heck, you know what I mean…….gravy, there is so much going on.

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  23. *Not advice* I have found if I dab just a tiny bit of Vick’s VapoRub on the spot of furniture where my cars scratch they will not scratch there for months. The smells wears off so I dab a little more in when they commence to scratching.

    Also? My Bona system and I were married last fall in a simple ceremony in my kitchen.

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  24. I wish I could show you a picture of the carpet around the scratching post at my house.
    Our humongous bossy cat goes right up to the post and scratches the rug all around the perimeter. I have an appointment with a flooring guy today. I was over the carpet but wow, cats and kids are a drain on ye olde pocket book.
    I hope your arm feels better soon, that would, however, make a great tattoo (ducks liver).

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  25. Lovely post, pretty June. And I learned something – Bona. I thought it was another cute word on Corona but have had faux wood floors for years and post 12 paws, could use some help.

    Condolences on your upcoming amputation.

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  26. This is not advice, but my asshole cat, Albert, who Matt Lauers poor Phyllis constantly, can be dissuaded with a blast of canned air. You know that pressurized stuff to clean keyboards…. electronics duster or something? That. Now I just have to pick up the can. I wish Phyllis could carry the can around, maybe then he’d finally leave her alone.

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  27. I could feel the claw pain as you were describing it. Cats are the worst but we still love them. Hope today is trauma free.

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  28. With a 55 lb dog, a teenage kitten, and two older, more mature (but not exactly sedate) cats, there’s a lot of barking, clawing, sneak-attacking, and vomiting that happens here. I daily threaten to take everyone to the pound or the glue factory. I don’t think they believe me.

    I hope the amputation goes well.

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