You know how sometimes I write about nothing?

I sat down here to type you and just as I was poised for my first word of nonsense, Milhous jumped up here and knocked an entire cup of coffee off the table. Remember yesterday when you discouraged me from driving them all to a field? Now look what you’ve done.

By the way, no one laughed at my brilliance with “feld not field” yesterday.

Let’s say you actually don’t know this. My last name ends in feld. Like Ziegfeld Follies. Like Seinfeld. And yet? Every single day of my life I get called “field.” Well. Not now, because I go almost nowhere so no one can call me anything but invisible.

I have been taking walks after my workouts and as a result have ended up socially distantly sitting in my neighbor R’s yard a bit more. She has a fire pit that of course isn’t going RN because it’s 407 degrees out. But she has a nice bricked area and Adirondack chairs, which for some reason Ned always called hurricane chairs and now I want to say that too and god help me.

He also called Mel Blanc “Mel Watt” and I want to do that too.

I know we’ve discussed this before but it always tickles me: What do you say wrong because someone said it wrong? It’s usually a child who fucks it up first, as they do everything. My cousin Maria said someone was “big-bone-ded” once and now I always say that, and it’s good I didn’t become an orthopedist. “Madam, I’ve come to the conclusion that you’re big-bone-ded.” If I were a doctor I’d call people madam and sir. I’d also twist my mustache knowingly instead of Nairing it.

Anyway, look:

Look at my poor pear tree! It’s literally weighed down with fruit. I guess I have to, I don’t know, trim it? After it sheds its fruit? Somebody hep me. HEH. Good god. [Stagehand gets cape]

That tree is nothing but work. You cannot eat the pears. They never get soft. Be sure to tell me to put them in a bowl or paper bag. But there must be SOME way to get them edible. I sometimes wonder if Trudy the fox comes in and eats them at night. Someone does, as when I endlessly clean them some are munched, but we also have a squirrel who risks his life daily to hang in this yard so it might be he. Between Milhous and Edsel trying to kill him on the daily I can’t imagine what keeps him here. Maybe he’s a pear addict.

That ovary hanging on the tree is one of a trio of wasp deterrents my mother sent me at my birthday. Allegedly the wasps see it and take their gin and tonics and go elsewhere. They think it’s a large, impressive wasp nest. It’s kind of like how a man will aggressively hit on you till you say you have a boyfriend, and all of a sudden he respects the man and leaves you alone.

Anyway my pear tree looks like it belongs in McDonaldland or something, doesn’t it?

I risked the COVID and went to Lowe’s this weekend for a rake so I could gather ye pearbuds while ye may. I entered through the outdoor garden part, grabbed the rake like I was in some sort of race against time—literally—and paid outside at the garden center. Then I came home and Howard Hughes’d my hands. I like how I see some people on social media all, “Here we are, all 70 of us from around the country, on our annual trip!” and I’m running out of Lowe’s like it’s burning building. I’m Pee Wee Herman with the snakes running out of there.

Speaking of kittens, and we weren’t, but we always kind of are, since the angry feral mom ran off and abandoned her children, Chris and Lilly have moved all the kittens into their screened-in side porch. I sort of can’t imagine and also totally envy their chaos. If that damn mom comes back there pregnant again I can’t imagine the kind of trouble she’ll be in with C&L. Raising her passel of mealy-mouthed brats.

I gotta go. I got 2 hours into a task at work yesterday and I had the wrong version. So now I’m behind. Also I have to make more coffee; thanks, Milhous. If he were any kind of a good cat he’d be prancing in the kitchen on his blond hindies, making it himself.

Usefully,
June

69 Comments

  1. Late to the party, but I pronounce Ramen Noodles wrong and it is my husband’s fault. I never even knew what they were until after we were married. Anyway, he pronounces it with a long A. It makes me mad every time I say it now because I can’t get his pronunciation out of my head. Cut the pear tree down – it will always be a nuisance.

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  2. My youngest kid always called sparkling water spicy water, as it tickled his mouth and throat. I still say it.

    Also, cut down the tree. I know the pain of cleaning up loads of unusable, wasp attracting fruit. It sucks.

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  3. I wonder how the pears would do if you poached them? We have two apple trees with apples that are sort of ehh. DH just runs the John Deere over them and the yard smells like apple cider vinegar. The summer before my son got married back there I went out early every morning to pick up all the apples: two five gallon buckets full every day for weeks. Even so I worried that apples would fall on the heads of the guests but mostly gone by September.

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  4. Hi June, I’ve got my newly rescued black kitten on my lap … oops she just tried to drink my Diet Coke. The other four cats like/hate her depending on their currents moods. She LOVES them.

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  5. When I was a kid, I was telling my mom all about “goonas” (pronounced goon-nuhs). After a few minutes, she asked me what the hell I was talking about. In a very exasperated-toddler tone, I explained that they were the people who lived in lagoons. I made up a place name for mermaids. My dad will still laugh if I refer to swimmers as goonas.

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  6. Pears ripen from the core outward, so if you don’t pick them until they feel ripe, you’ll end up with some really nasty fruit. Pick them “green” and refrigerate a couple of days, as cold as you can without freezing. Afterward, they can do room temperature for another few days and then should be good to eat. We enjoy them halved and grilled, with vanilla ice cream.

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    1. Ditto. If you’re inclined, if they are at least a little softer than rock solid, they should be ok to make pear jam (old-fashioned but delicious), poached (as an easy but fancy-pants dessert), or chutney. I’d pick some to take the weight off the branches even if you’re not going to eat them. Pear branches often break just from the weight of the fruit.

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  7. Oh that is lots ‘o kittens. No advice on the pear tree. Sorry.

    When we were kids we used to say ‘someone passed gas’, but at times we used it like “Who did the pass gas?” Not realizing that pass was not part of the term.

    Just yesterday my 12 yr old admitted that when I said I was running errands, she thought errands changed for whoever was doing the running around because errands sounds so much like my real first name (not Ernie). So she would have expected you to say “going to run my June-ends.”

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  8. Well, that pear tree looks so beautiful! Is there some way to find out what kind they are? I mean, they must be edible, right? Maybe put a sign out front or in “Next Door” if you have that there – and say “free pears – come pick ‘um! ”
    Maybe?

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  9. So much funny!!
    ” I’d also twist my mustache knowingly instead of Nairing it.” hahaha

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  10. I actually noted the Feld, not Field yesterday and neglected to mention it. It made me laugh out loud. I also laughed at the tree ovary.

    Had to google Howard Hughes. You know so much.

    My brother is going to a wedding AND reception tomorrow and I think that is a no good, very bad idea.

    Bonnieville was my way of saying Bonneville (the car) forever until a few years ago when it was pointed out to me. My brother said Quartervette for Corvette and I still say that too. But I knew that was actually Corvette. Penelope was Pen-uh-lope.

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  11. The pears might be a diversion tree. Several strains were created for the outer edges of orchards – kind of a if you can’t beat them, feed them scenario for deer to leave the real crops alone. The trend grew for people who wanted a wildlife yard. Start a compost garden with them?

    Lovely post, pretty June. I finally just started answering to Sharon despite my name being Shannon. Sometimes it’s just not worth the effort to correct them. My Dad may be sicker than he already was, the dog is dying, I’m so over 2020 I don’t have any further fucks to give so Sharon it is.

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    1. Definitely can’t click “like”. I’m so sorry, not Sharon but Shannon. I wish you comfort and peace whenever you can snatch some. I’m interested in that diversion tree idea.

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      1. Thanks so much for the kind words. I ‘m not sure where you’re located but there’s a local PBS channel here that runs gardening segments in the late night and they have an entire series on a eco sustaining orchard. It’s quite lengthy so take from it what you’re interested in (lots of bee episodes, composting, flowering ground cover at the base for water retention) but hope that gives you a hint.

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    2. Shannon…so sorry for all the down times happening. Maybe a hug a day will keep a Sharon away….or at least when they call you Sharon..picture a smiley hug from me.
      This is not an easy time in life. Hope a hug from a perfect( no ,nowhere near perfect) stranger will help a bit.

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      1. Thank you Beth – you’re so sweet. It’s been a bad couple of days “waiting” and wondering so I probably shouldn’t have commented at all as it tends to bubble up/out obviously LOL. Have a great weekend!

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  12. I think you need to De-Pear some of your low hanging branches. We lost a limb on our apple tree when it was overloaded, and now our pretty tree looks sad and crooked. Those suckers can’t hold all the fruitful goodness you have going on.

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    1. We have props still installed from last year (or maybe it was two years ago, it feels like a century) on our apple tree, holding the limbs up. If we don’t do that, it hangs over the front walk and attacks the mail delivery person. What is the gender neutral term for mailman?

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  13. My nephew called dessert “bessert” when he was small and I still say it almost forty years later. My other nephew said ELLA-fell-ent for Elephant and that stuck too. My late husband drove me crazy by converting “Do you know what I mean?” to “Yamean?” as an adult. I found it lazy and cringe worthy. Lastly my mother says “twail-lit” for toilet.
    Mercifully, none of us picked up that one.

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  14. Misconscrewed is my favorite mispronunciation ever. DYING. The Chester drawers is highly amusing as well!

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  15. By the way, I see this post has one of those “also related” things at the bottom that lists old posts and say “posts” again. Anyway, there’s one where I claim to love Daniel Boone, which I guess I thought I did for like two weeks in 2011.

    Anyway, in that…post, you all make references to earlier times when I say he slept on the couch and I slept in the bed and we didn’t do anything and I am here to tell you that was a blatant lie. We so totally Did It. The only reason I can think of that I lied is maybe I was wanting to keep things private, which, pfft. But more likely it’s because I was only separated at the time and my divorce attorney was all, DON’T GET INVOLVED WITH ANYONE. Meanwhile, Marvin was engaged, so.

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  16. I cackled at the wasps leaving with their gin and tonics.

    When my son was two he started saying “putters” for peanut butter and jelly sandwich and we still call it that even though he has outgrown it.

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  17. Heh…good God that was a good post. I like your posts about nothing better that SeinFELDs show about nothing. Hey! Where’s my cape?

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  18. My daughter christened nail polish and “paw nellish” and now that’s what it is at our house.

    Also had an aunt that cursed without a vowel. My sister and I still say “shhhht” in her memory.

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  19. When we went to Canada for a vacation when I was a kid, every meal mysteriously included peas – the canned kind. My dad commented every time with, “Ah, yes. The ubiquitous peas” and that’s how I refer to those round green things ever since.

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  20. We have so many mispronounced words:
    Sgabetty – spaghetti
    AppleKnees- AppleBees
    Streamer soup- Campbell’s chicken noodle soup
    Comedian- median
    Digimal- digital
    Brown salt- gravy

    As a side note to June: I also have to reeeeeeally concentrate now when I need to use the word prevalent. I do not want to pronounce it like Sal on Howard Stern. But it’s stuck in my head.

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  21. Turning to the topic of adorable animals, Edsel is so endearing in that picture, as are you, of course. And will somebody please go pick up that adorable black kitten face that is looking straight up into the camera and in a piercing cry begging to be picked up and scritched. Thank you.

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  22. When I was a kid, there was a little boy who couldn’t pronounce my name (Karen). He called me Kennan and even now my elderly mother will sometimes call me Kennan. She loved it and said she wished she thought of it first.

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  23. I DID note the Feld vs Field. Make me laugh. I so wish I lived closer, because I would be in your backyard right now gathering some of those hard pears to make pear relish. It would NOT be in a stalker sort of way, but I would be so thrilled to find the type of pears that make the best relish. My grandmother grew up in western NC (Murphy area) and they made delicious stuff out of strange things. Pickled green beans is another favorite and I do make those. We have a friend that mispronounced a lot of words, Venezuela was pronounced Venz-whale-ya. Because we made so much fun of her I have to stop and think about how to pronounce it correctly. Another one, associates (like a law office type associates) she said association, for example, Smith and Associates, would be Smith and Association. Also too, my hair dresser says supposeably rather than supposedly. Those kittens! That sorry mama.

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      1. I have a friend that makes those. I think this is a result of people living through the depression and nothing was ever thrown away.

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  24. My mother-in-law lost her hearing in one ear when she was a kid and I assume that’s why my she and my husband mispronounce so many words. Chester drawers (he ARGUED with me on this one) and my favorite: misconscrewed. I still say it when someone else’s mistake screws me. Those are just two examples: I could write a book. It drives me crazy, but I stopped correcting him. He doesn’t want to know the real word, which amazes me because it makes him sound dumb, but that’s on him. I’ve let it go. Mostly.

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    1. Both my grandmothers said “ambliance” instead of ambulance, and it made my mom soooo cranky. And yet there’s tons of words we intentionally mispronounce – some which have been mispronounced for 7 decades now (we hand them down like some weird sort of heirloom). My uncle referred to bread as “hunka plunka” (no clue why), my cousin referred to hamburgers as “handleburgers” and my grandmother inebriatedly announced that she loved “fluffy navels” (fuzzy navels). She wasn’t much of a drinker. 😀

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  25. “…suddenly he respects the man and leaves you alone.” No, he’s just a chicken a&&h0!e. Anyway, look (another favorite tidbit from your fab post) that totally nuisance tree is totally poetic. I know what you mean about junk pears and wasps and I’ve lived with junk apple trees and hornets, but look at that tree! It is beautiful! But one doesn’t keep a man just because he’s beautiful so there you are.

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  26. We have been wearing masks and keeping the six foot distance. New Brunswick has had no covid cases for ten days and then the news report this morning says two in Fredericton. We have a terrifically low number of covid cases with only 170 in the province since this whole thing started. I am still scared. We were invited to a neighborhood barbeque this weekend. Outdoors, hosts are expecting twenty-five people. I am frightened to go, but we will. Stay for an hour or so wearing our masks and standing at the recommended six foot distance and then leave before the actual cooking and eating of food. I cannot even pick up coffee at a drive thru. We do go into stores now, but keep our distance and wear our masks and get in and get out. I understand your rake dash at Lowes.

    I counted eight kittens. The mother cat is off somewhere sleeping. Nothing else to say.

    Laurie in NB, Canada

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    1. Thank you! I keep wondering if I’m being overprotective when I tell my daughter that no, she can’t go to her boyfriends birthday party or to hang out at the mall. I am glad to know I’m not alone in remembering there is a deadly epidemic going on.

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  27. First first two, but probably not last two, apologies of the day and you get them both:
    “feld not field” Truth be known, I did laugh. I just didn’t put it in print which is no help to you and I’ll try to do better.
    Also, I’m sorry I made your cat knock over your coffee. It was all my fault and I’ll try not to do it again.

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  28. Helly hockers for helicopters. Spibers for spiders. My oldest came up with these when he was small. I still use them, he doesn’t. He’s a 40 year old teacher now.

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  29. Yes, I did get a kick out of “feld not field” yesterday, but forgot to mention it so am correcting that oversight today.

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  30. My son used to pronounce hamburger as hangurber and once asked me for ‘square corn’. He cried and cried until I figured out he wanted fried potatoes. So we still say both of those things.

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  31. My kids invented all our best family words – mote (remote control), hangabur (hamburger), and snake (steak), are just some we still use.
    Also, I wish I could have that siamese-y kitten of C&L’s. But I am much to far away to get him, and also it is too COVID out there for travel.

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  32. Today is a grim day chez H&B. Mr. H&B went out to walk the dog and check his vegetable garden (he’s such a multi-tasker, I know you envy me) and discovered that some “wild animal” desecrated the corn crop. (And by “wild animal” I mean chipmunk, squirrel or rabbit, which are the only “wild animals” I’ve seen. He claims it’s that *&^%#$^&*(()*^% woodchuck.) I’m afraid when I get home I’ll find a wee fur rug or a little taxidermied head hanging on the wall.

    The other day when I pulled into the driveway, a chipmunk was sitting there, calmly eating a tomato. Didn’t move, didn’t scurry away, just sat there and defied me to do anything while he enjoyed MY tomato, stolen from MY garden. It’s not like the little shit went to Whole Foods.

    All this to say I have no idea what you can do with your pears. (As I’ve mentioned, our pear trees only produce flowers not pears, which leads me to distrust all trees. Dogwood? No dogs.) But it is a beautiful and very impressive tree.

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    1. I think my cat has helped keep the critters away from the garden. We just know she likes going in there (it’s fenced) and so far the deer have not jumped the fence, but they have been munching on the hostas. We noticed the carport light, which has a motion thing on it, was on the other night so we just assumed it was a dear because we know the cats don’t trip the motion detector, even when they are on top of the car. Yep, next morning we say her roaming in the yard, my husband ran her off, she was eyeballing our garden.

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    2. I am living in the country, actually asmall town on the boarder of it, but I digress. My guy and his kids have a pretty big garden and I am partaking of the freshest produce I’ve ever had. The corn is about ready to be picked and I am beyond excited. He made a fabulous eggplant parm with ground turkey that had me swooning. They have the garden fenced in, it seems to help. Perhaps the four dogs (two are mine) and the constantly visiting deer (they hop the other fence) discourage smaller animals. The deer did eat some of his flowers out front. The neighbor next door took his fences down to accommodate the deer. The neighbor has no flowers or vegetables growing. I wonder if he puts food out for them? There are three or four deer on his lawn eating most evenings. I need to get pictures. There is a hurricane looming and I am happy to be inland. I still own my house but won’t for long.

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  33. My daughter and I joke and say breast-es-es instead of breasts. I don’t know why we find that amusing. When she was younger she used to call my voicemail and whisper it.

    As for the pears. Cut them in half and bake them in the oven with some butter and sugar and cinnamon.

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    1. A co- worker who( whom?) wasn’t the brightest bulb always said things wrong. I forget most of them but a great one was Aerial Rug. She had no idea – it was definitely an oh honey situation. And my husband and I have too many. Words, I mean, not aerial rugs.

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  34. My mother in law (God rest her sweet soul) used to refer to the accelerator pedal on the car as the “exhilarator”.

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  35. We say fack in stead of the F word as my cousin once said, I can’t buck the fack up! My mom combined the words frustrated and flustered into one word, flustrated. My brother and I use it to this day and I find I am often bother frustrated and flustered so it works.

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  36. Over fifty years ago, when my younger sister was learning to talk, she couldn’t pronounce an older sister’s name correctly. Her mispronunciation became our sister’s nickname and I still call her that to this day.

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  37. When my daughter first started playing hockey as a wee youngun, each week she would ask what team her team was versing. She knew that people said “Team A versus Team C” so she thought you were versing another team. And that has become part of our family’s lexicon. The Kracken will be versing the Kings, etc.

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