Limited-time only.

My mood is one of poor. I know it’s hard to believe because normally I’m so sunny.

I cried during work yesterday, and got panicked and sweaty, for about the 40th time. Afterward, I had to take a Xanax because I couldn’t, you know, right myself.

So that’s jarring, and I couldn’t quite shake the dread and anger and sadness of that, so I took a damn Xanax and got into bed with Little House in the Big Woods, as I always turn to my Little House books when things are at their worst.

Then I woke up at 6:00 because I’d already slept 8 hours at that point and was all, “Why am I so dizzy?” I’d totally forgotten.

But here’s the other thing that’s making me blue.

Three times lately, Edsel has fallen down. Twice on his way up the back steps–well, wait. Once on this way up the steps and once on the patio on his way toward the steps. Both times I convinced myself he had, like, tripped on something. A teensy banana peel.

But lately, when I wake up, he just flumps his tail on his dog bed but doesn’t get up. I know he’s dying to join me but I think it hurts too much, despite his medication. I’ve taken to getting on his bed with him in the morning. He used to always get on the bed with me when we woke up, so now it’s just my turn to join him, that’s all.

Today I got up I petted him awhile, got the violin leg going, then said, “Let’s go outside,” which is on his list of favorites, along with breakfast and humping Lily. But when he got up, he fell over. Just splat, right onto the hardwood floor.

I hate to be Scarlett O’Hara vomiting a radish and shaking my fist at the sky, but come on.

The anniversary of my car accident is coming up: August 19. Everything had been going OK up till then. But then I had a concussion and couldn’t read or watch TV or go on the internet for a month. OK, I said. OK. I can get through this. OK.

And I did. I shopped and listened to I think it was 7 audio books.

Then Edsel got diagnosed with congestive heart failure weeks after I got better. OK. I said. He might live with that for a long time.

OK. I can do this.

Then almost immediately after that I had the “I have to pee all the time” thing, and multiple doctor visits, and 6 tests for cancer, some of them excruciating. I was horrified for months. I woke up horrified, I worked horrified, I went to bed horrified.

The worst part about terrible things happening is the part where you have to keep going. You can’t just sit in a room sobbing while people bring you coffee.

Then we sort of figured out what was going on, I had surgery, and OK. So the surgery was harder than we thought it was gonna be. OK. I can just get through this time. Also, sometimes I still have the pee feeling. But OK. I can live with it.

Then there was a pandemic.

For six months I’ve holed up here in my house while half of you parade around with your reunions and parties and play dates while I wait it out because I can’t afford to fool around with it, nor do I wish to spread it to people worse off than me. There is an old lady in my neighborhood. I am dying to talk to her. I see her on her glider in the evening, reading the paper. I won’t talk to her, though, because if I got her sick I couldn’t live with myself.

OK, I say. This is a lonely dull time and not everyone in my country cares about others. OK. That’s just how things are, but OK. I’m a tad disillusioned with where I live, but OK. My theory is the loudest protestors are the most scared. The “it’s a hoax” people are horrified. I compare them to Fitz, the feral I fostered who was so mean. I knew it was just fear and had compassion.

Something about that dog falling down today put me at my limit. I cannot say it’s OK one more moment. I cannot say I can do this one more time. I can’t. I can’t fucking do this.

Fuck it. Fuck everything.

Fuck a huge bag of all of this shit. Fuck it.

And that’s my post for today.

117 thoughts on “Limited-time only.

  1. What a crummy year. (I just read in a book about the 1918 flu that “crummy” as an epithet came from the fact that (lousy) lice were the color of toasted bread crumbs.) (Ew.) We’re all on your side of the tug-of-war rope (long rope with 6-foot intervals), and I’m so glad you work with such stellar people, The Poet and 100% best boss and others. I agree with candlecutter that best boss knows your work ethic, and Poet is standing there offering more than a mug of horrible coffee. Tell Laura and Mary and Jack, the brindle bulldog hi for me.

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  2. Everything just kind of sucks right now, doesn’t it? I’m in GA where a huge number of people, including the governor, seem to be kind of nuts. I work in a very busy grocery store deli, only about half the customers wear a mask and I’m constantly exposed. I can’t not work, we’d starve. Then I carry that exposure home to my kids every day, and there’s the issue of my mom, who is elderly and has COPD. Do we avoid her or expose her? We’re her only family, she’d be completely alone every day? What about school, I can keep some of my kids home, but one desperately needs special services that can’t be given online. Do I risk our health or risk him irreparablely losing valuable progress. The stress might kill me if the virus doesn’t.

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  3. That is a whole lot of suckitude crammed into a short period of time. With never enough time to swing back into balance in between. Of course you feel horrible and need some help to get through it. Xanax is ok, Kittens are better, speaking from experience.

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  4. Dear June, sending good thoughts your way. And thank you for the Tarot read- I will treasure it.
    P. S. I also go re-read a favorite author’s books when the world and life is too much. It is my security blanket.

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  5. I’m so sorry. I don’t have any grand words of comfort, but please know that so many of your readers (tens of us!) care about you and your pets and are hoping and praying things improve.
    We had an old dog whose back gave him trouble and then his legs started getting weak too. Our slick floors made it hard for him to keep his legs under him, so I found these little dog booties with some sort of rubber material on the bottom that helped him grip the floor. I have no idea if those would help Edsel if he’s feeling weak, but either way, please give that wonderful kitten loving boy some extra love from me. Standing six feet from your doorway while hoping your weekend brings something wonderful.

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  6. When you see it all listed out like that, it’s easy to see why it’s all just too much. Damn. I’m so, so sorry.

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  7. There is nothing I can do to help. I will keep reading your blog. Your feelings of being unable to cope resonate with me.

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  8. I’m so sorry everything has been so hard and fucking sucky. You have been through the wringer this year. I wish you better times ahead.

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  9. June I am so sorry about everything you are dealing with right now. This isolation is tough for everyone but my heart really goes out to those that live alone. I do hope Edsel improves. I also want you to know that I discovered your blog just a couple of years ago. It is a daily highlight for me- you are so clever, funny and just such a wonderful writer. Hang in there my dear

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  10. I know nothing will make you feel better, but just know, I am right there with you. I got diagnosed with breast cancer in June and I’m now going through chemo. Covid has made life even more scary and frankly, I don’t know how much more I can take. Chemo is sucking the life out of me and i recently had to shave my head. On top of all that, my cat is 14 and she too has the pancreatitis and thyroid problems. She recently decided to stop eating, on a Saturday and a vet ER visit cost us 1500. She’s fine now. Stupid beloved cat!

    Just remember, you have people that love you, internet or real life and somehow life WILL get better. I don’t know when or how but it will. At least that’s what I’m clinging too!

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  11. June I have never left a comment before and I’ve been reading you for years.I just want you to know that reading your blog has brightened my day many times.I’ve had some huge losses over the last few years : my brother my dad my husband and in January my mum. Sometimes I don’t feel there is anything left of me My therapist said and I’m going to gift it to you maybe it will help. If you got through yesterday you can get through today and if you get through today you will get through tomorrow.
    Also no matter what you won’t always feel like this.Big hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. We are all suffering so much lately. Me too (and my old dog too). Try to take things no more than one hour at a time. It helps when you can do that. Hang in there.

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  13. I’ve started this comment 20 times and then backspaced over every useless syllable. I’m glad you wrote all this down. Someday we’ll all find ourselves on the other side of this and we’ll look back on this time with the benefit of hindsight. Our first grandchild was born in June and I keep wondering what she’ll be thinking about all the people wearing masks in her baby pictures.

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  14. This is just the suckiest year ever. Even Michelle Obama was talking about low grade depression because of all the shit in the world and you have pet shit and health shit on top of that. I bet even Jackie Kennedy would be grabbing the Xanex .You remind me so much of her. Hang in there June.

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  15. I’m not sure I have much more to add that the others haven’t covered, other than 2020 has really kicked us all in the balls, over and over again. It completely and totally sucks and it’s incredibly hard to keep your shit together when the hits just keep coming. I’m so sorry for Eds, it’s so hard to watch them struggle and not be sure what to do, my heart just breaks for you. We lost our sweet Max in January, then this shit show pandemic started, we haven’t seen our college son since spring break in March and probably won’t until Thanksgiving (which is absolutely ripping me apart the longer it’s been), we’re holed up at home doing our part while the numbers of Covid in our county are exploding. It’s all just too much, just too fucking much……but it feels good to get it out, to share the shit load that you’re dealing with, it lets others know they aren’t in it alone and it takes a bit off your shoulders. Holding it in just tightens the anxiety and builds up inside of you. I agree with the others – go for a drive with Eds, sing along to a car concert, stop at an open field and scream at the top of your lungs, cry your eyes out, and remember to keep breathing……and that we’re all here for you and each other.

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  16. Girl. Ok, I’m going to dive right in here. Just my opinion and you probably don’t even want it. It’s too much. You have dealt with bad news and bad things happening to you and the ones you love for too long. We as humans have a breaking point. We really do. You have had one bad thing after another happen and to have your sweet boy fall over and what you could be facing is too much. And you don’t have a significant other to shoulder the pain and grief and trouble with ( although God knows having a partner doesn’t mean they help to shoulder shit, trust me on that one) and you have hit rock bottom. My other opinion ( and I know you love opinions on your personal life) is you are actually a pretty social human being that thrives on human interaction…I’ve seen it for years reading this here blog…the Lottie Blanco’s and dear sweet Peg and the Poet and the list goes on and on…this self imposed quarantine limiting your face to face interactions has come at a cost….it worries me to be honest…I know I don’t know you but dang it I feel like I do and you are the only blog I have never given up on since the beginning of blogs..even when you went silent for a long time…so I consider you someone I care about and I am worried.

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    1. Oh Edz…… You know what? You can do this. You’ll get through whatever comes, just like you have before, and you’ll be ok. I remember feeling this way shortly after Monte died: I can’t do this alone; I can’t pay this mortgage alone; I can’t mow the lawn and shovel snow myself; I can’t take care of a house that needs repaired, a roof that needs replaced, a central air unit on its last legs; I can’t weather breast cancer/thyroid cancer/skin cancer alone. That was eight years ago, and I can, and have, and you will too.

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  17. Dear Coot, I did online work for a very short period of time as a side job. It involved alcohol licenses in 20 different states, so lots of red tape. The clients were terribly disorganized and shouty when things took “too long”. I also had a full bore panic attack, it’s scary and exhausting. I beat myself up wondering why I was so weak. But that’s not the reality, it’s poor planning on the part of the person assigning the task and having an unreasonable expectation of the time needed to do the work.
    My mom used to have a saying, Do you want it done right or do you want it today?
    Door way hugs, a lot of shite has hit your fan, but you’re still standing, with a safer car and no cancer. Cue Elton John here.
    Extra scritches and treats,
    Stacey in California who can’t figure out WordPress’ obsession with passwords.

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  18. It’s easier to say it’s OK for yourself. When you see someone else (Edsel) not being OK and knowing there isn’t much you can do to make him OK, you realize that not everything will always be OK. I’m sorry for you and Edsel. This is super sucky.

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  19. Oh, this made me cry. My life feels so much the same. Some of the crappy things are different than yours…some are the same. The feeling is exactly the same though. All I can think to say is hang in there. We’ll get through. We have to, right?

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  20. I am so sorry and I wish there was something I could do to help. Like my mom says “the hits just keep on coming”. I’m not going to say anything pithy about things getting better because I am about at the fuck all this and a bag of dicks stage. Everything DOES suck. Especially when dogs and cats are not well. I hate it all right now and that does not help you in the least. I’m sorry.

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  21. June, I’m sorry to hear that your life is so crappy right now. I hear you on the Xanax. Sometimes I have to take one and then I feel all drugged out and headachy afterward. I have no advice to give you but wanted to let you know that I care.

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  22. Oh June, I’m so very sorry you’re feeling like this. But, not really surprising given the year you’ve had plus the world turning sideways. Sometimes you just have to give into the feelings. I hope tomorrow brings a better day. Just judging from the comments here, you’re clearly in the good thoughts of many including mine.

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  23. I relate on SO many levels – health scares, sick animals, anger over all the conspiracy theorists, sick to death of being stuck at home, work crap. And now my child has to go back to school and I’ve got all of that to deal with. I, too, take a Xanax once in a while. My doctor gave me enough to take 2 a day! But, I make sure to not take more than 2 or 3 a week. That’s my self-imposed limit that I pulled out of the air. In my head, that’s an acceptable amount for me, but everyone is different. I could not even function if I took 2 a day. Sheesh. Anyway. No advice here at all. Just wanted to share that I can relate too. And I’m sorry. Because it sucks.

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  24. You have most certainly been through a lot over the past year or so. It’s amazing how when we have a string of horrible things happen to us we somehow get through them. I had a terrible 10 months a few years ago and ended up having to have a total of 4 operations .. then one day almost a year later I woke up a felt just like you do now. I had ptsd. Acknowledge that you have been through a rough time and be gentle on yourself June. . This pandemic is fucked up. Peoples lack of concern for others is fucked up. The world at the moment is fucked up. Give Eds a rub behind the ear for me.

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  25. Yup, that is too effing much. Anyone would feel battered. I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. I don’t have any pithy words to help make it better. It sucks cause it’s not like you can go have a spa day or something either. I wouls stand in your doorway if I could.

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  26. I know your boss is great.
    Can you just tell her, no, I cannot get all this done in the allotted time ?
    She knows your work ethic.

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  27. I think you SHOULD be able to cry in a room and have people bring things to you. I would do that for you if i were a tad closer. And don’t hang in there if you don’t want to….well maybe a bit for work though. Xanax has its uses. Edz, bring mom tissues and stuff from time to time.

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  28. I am sorry for all that you are dealing with. My heart hurts for you, even though we have never met. I feel that I know you, since I read your not blog from the beginning (that was in March when I began to shelter-in). You are such an articulate writer. I hope you find answers for poor Edsel.
    By the way, this is my first comment. Your heartbreaking post brought be out of hiding.

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  29. Fuck this gigantic bag of your shitty year. But I can bring you coffee. You could be distracted by the horribleness of my coffee. Or I’ve heard some places sell it ready-made.
    We must also discuss whether I can read some of the entire book.

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  30. I am so, so sorry. A loved one is on FMLA due to severe depression from being isolated. This entire time sucks. You have been bombarded with one bad thing after another .
    You have such a tender heart. Wishing you well. Use any resource available to you for self care. Taking to your bed occasionally is not a bad thing. Again, I’m so sorry.

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  31. I’m going to stand in the doorway across the street, with my mask on and hurt with you. We lost two pets this year. So just shit, shit, shit! I love Edsel. He so reminds me of one of the dogs we had.

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  32. I feel so sad about Edsel; because you’ve written of him so well I feel like I know him—kinda like 1 of my dog sitting friends who I love and adore. I know there are no words of comfort to share, but even though we are not RL friends I do care. You have had too many things in a row happening.

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  33. I am so sorry, Karen. You have definitely had more than your share of really big things (if there is a share option.) How much can anyone bear? You are a strong woman. You continue to show us how to be strong and for that I thank you. You are our bright spot in the day. Wear your mask and sit 6 feet away from the woman on the swing. I bet that she would be very happy to meet you. That little visit may be a bright spot in your day.

    Laurie in NB, Canada

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  34. Oh, I am so sorry that you found that last straw. I have a couple of “suggestions.” Definitely not qualified to give advice! 1) do you have a folding chair? Or even a blanket! Take it over to your sweet neighbor’s house, maybe with Edsel, and then you can sit at a safe distance and have a nice visit with your mature neighbor. And Edsel would have more precious time with you as well as being out. (And no, I do not like to use old/older as a descriptor because of MY increasing maturity!) Idea #2) if you don’t feel you can take a week off of work, could you take a day a week? My trick when still employed was to take Friday or Monday off. Or maybe both! That way you have at least have 3-4 days away from work stress. I especially liked taking Monday off because then I didn’t have the Back To Work Monday Blues.

    If you have to (after making sure all doors and windows are closed), just throw a good ole temper tantrum! A primal scream or six has helped me get through a few tough times. I don’t know if it helps you to realize it, but the vast majority of readers can relate to your situation and totally sympathizes with you. Standing in your doorway and wishing I’d brought my snack bag.

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  35. I am so sorry that so many things are happening to you and Edsel and Iris all at one time. There are only so many times you can tell yourself “OK, I can do this” in such quick succession. I hope you can feel the love and support from your readers and that this sustains you in some measure.

    The thing that touched me the most is you getting on Edsel’s bed with him in the morning. I know you love him, hold him, and tell him what a good boy he is. And in that I think he is content.

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  36. I’m sorry and I hear you. Your feelings are valid and I’m thankful you felt you could express them. We are all here for you and each other. This is a great community!

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  37. I’m right there with you on the fuck-it train. Everything is stupid and scary and unpredictable. People are being irresponsible and having fun and it’s tiring being so careful. And Edsel makes me sad 😦

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  38. Whew, that is a lot of anxiety packed into one year. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through so much, and I’m so sorry for Edsel.

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  39. I completely hear you. Horrific pretty much sums up 2020.

    I know it all sucks but especially worried about Edsel with you and hoping maybe it’s dampness related to the hurricane? I like straws to grasp at.

    Wish I could say lovely post. Just a few more months and hopefully we go into the 2021 reset in a better world state. You’re pretty.

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  40. Getting through this stupid pandemic has put our baseline stress level at maxed out whether we like to admit it or not.Then add in all the regular BS and it’s a wonder anybody has a sense of humor or coping skills left at all. Then on top of that you get to add all the major life issues you’ve had. I had **a year** a couple of years ago – brother died, bff got breast cancer and lives 1/2 way across the country, mom (3-4 hr drive away) started declining and died. Almost exactly 1 year after brother died. Seems like there was something else in there but I’ve blocked it out. I got to where you are – I could not let go of the stress and I usually can. You reach a limit and that’s it, nothing you can do. Everybody has a limit. I swear if I’d had access to any legal drugs or reputable illegal drugs I would have used something. I hate to say nothing really fixed it but it did go away in time. Hang in there and do what you need to do to cope. It sucks but you’ll get through it.

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      1. Also, too, I drank a lot more that year until I realized it was making the *#(@ing hot flashes worse and quit so I might be able to sleep. Jeebus. You will look back on this and wonder how you ever got through but you will be thankful you did.

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  41. Eds. I’m so sad and worried with you. The other stuff sucks hard, but Edsel. Edsel is my long-distance boy.

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  42. Dam it, that all just isn’t fair. Too much is too much.
    You are one tough cookie to hold up to all of that.
    Too much tension, crying is a release, or screaming or pounding on your drum set.
    Hope you feel the “want to help” from all of us. Hope it helps.
    This world is so out of wack right now and we are no longer in our comfort zones and ache to be back there.
    You should be able to talk to your older lady neighbor(I fear she is my age 61 so I don’t want to call her old).
    Stand out on the sidwalk if she is on her porch, you should both be safe. Or anyone who comes by to talk to you.
    Doorway waves from here . Sleep when you can.

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  43. June, I don’t have anything to say that hasn’t already been said, but I feel for you. They are giving you too much work. Tell that best boss I said so. Prayers for Edsel and Iris and YOU.

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  44. I very recently learned what the overwhelming fear and anxiety of a “maybe it’s cancer” scare feels like. We still aren’t through it. It is debilitating and so, so scary. There is nothing you can do about it but wait a trust people you aren’t sure you can trust. I wish I had realized when you were going through that how truly bad that “not knowing” situation is. This is for sure a challenging time for anyone, but you have too many things on top of each other. What happened to “One crisis at a time!” One? How about only TWO? That would be good, even. I’m with you Karen, please hang in there. This will all cycle around and we will see the sunshine again. I really do believe that.

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  45. I’m sorry you are feeling so bad. I agree with the fuck it all attitude. Something has got to give soon! Hang in there and remember the words of my goofy governor: “We will get through this and we will get through this together.”

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  46. Thinking of you today and sending peaceful vibes to you and Edsel. The world has turned upside down and we are all holding on for dear life. I hope serenity comes to your door today. You have so many people pulling for you and your happiness.

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  47. I’m so sorry for what you are experiencing with Edsel and feeling right now. There are no words that can help so I hope you find comfort in knowing that you have so many people who love you and wish only the best for you.

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  48. I hear you and sympathize.
    This past year has been one shitty event after another for you, both mentally and physically. You’ve coped as best you could with all of it yet more keeps coming up.
    I hope the fuck it all helps to release some of the tension. I think we’ve all gotten to that point at one time or another when it’s just too damn much and we need to scream, swear, cry, whatever it takes to feel better.
    I know I always feel a bit stronger after a good session.
    Hoping you have better days ahead, June.

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  49. I am sorry this world is so shitty right now. I, too, as many of us here, suffer from anxiety and understand everything you said. It is just so hard sometimes. That is why I am so glad everyone on this non blog can support each other. It makes me angry, sad, jealous, etc. to see others going on vacation, dinner, beach, blah blah blah every freaking day. I work at home and go the grocery store and that’s it.

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  50. Some days it is all just too much and you describe it well. You are doing the best you can and some things will be ok again. It’s hard.

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  51. Well, shit. I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing. I wish there was some way to help ease the stress and anxiety and pain. Know you have so many people that care for you and support you even though they have never met you.

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  52. We had a sweet dog who suddenly started falling over. It was heartbreaking to watch so I completely understand. It made my whole heart hurt. The vet treated him with prednisone and laser treatments on his spine and he fully recovered, though it took some time. Hoping that these’s a treatment for Edsel and that he feels better soon so that you can, too. This year is just too damn much. I recently started taking VERY early AM walks and I’m finding that my frustration/anger/overwhelm feels just a little bit easier to cope with. There are surprises out there right around dawn, like twin fawns napping on a lawn. Who knew?

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  53. You are living through a year of trauma, anxiety and heartache separated from your community which is living in the midst of collective trauma. I visualize standing in a large open circle, distanced and masked, and each letting out a loud woman’s wild wail to the sky, a wail full of our losses, fears, tiredness, overwhelm, and anxiety. Let us see that in each other’s eyes. Let us reach out hands toward each other, even if we can’t touch now, knowing that we will again. Let those who have hope and energy on any day send it out strongly to our sisters who are weeping and depleted that day. Our country, our whole planet is traumatized right now. Let us see each other and nourish hope in each other. Today I have hope, last week I did not, so today I send hope to your soul though your heart is too heavy to receive it.

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  54. I’m so sorry. Watching helplessly as your pet suffers is the worst. I hope things get better somehow for Edsel.
    As for the anti-maskers. I have been feeling much the same. If I passed covid to someone vulnerable it would haunt me forever, and I don’t understand why people don’t care. The attitude of so many people during this has really, truly upset me. I feel this heavy sadness and hurt that people don’t care about anyone but themselves. I always thought people were mostly good. Then I see people refusing to wear a mask to pick up groceries because “it’s my body, my choice” (the mask protects others FROM you, you absolute ass). “This is the home of the free and the BRaaVe” (as though it’s commendable to be ignorant of risks) and “I just can’t do it. I’m done” (because a pandemic is over when you’re tired of missing Bbqs). I just wish people were better. I wish this hadn’t made me scared of the world my children will grow up in. It’s a social issue for me. If you asked most of these people “would you agree to be inconvenienced for 3 months in order to save hundreds of thousands of lives, would you do it?” Every person would say yes, of course. But when asked to do that, they made it roughly two weeks before saying “I’m done. This is a hoax. Etc.” All because they didn’t want to be inconvenienced. I may need real medication because this has affected me deeply. I will try to take your words to heart and tell myself that the selfish people are scared and are pretending it is fake out of fear. I just don’t believe it.

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  55. Sometimes life just sucks, I’m sorry that this is one of those times for you. Long distance hugs to you, Edsel and Iris!

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  56. My heart goes out to you. You have been through so much. I hope you feel support from those of us who stand in your doorway.

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  57. Oof, I am sorry, and empathize. It’s all just too goddamn motherfucking much. All day, every day. We are all watching the news (OMG) and weather (OMG) and at home with pets and/or family, all the time, and.. it’s just too much. I don’t have Xanax, but feel like maybe I need it? Bc I am WIDE AWAKE every night from like 1:30-4, trying to solve all of the problems of the universe so I can GTF to sleep. It’s not working, in case you couldn’t tell. This is not sustainable.

    Sending you all the good thoughts and creepy internet virtual hugs from a stranger, that you might want to accept.

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    1. YES!! Me too. I can not sleep, not all night anyway. I have started napping and when possible I sleep from 5 or 6 am. till I just happen to wake up. It has not been good. I am so thankful to know it’s not just me.

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  58. I’m sorry life is such a sh*t show and wish I had some great words of wisdom. I’ve been so anxious this summer to the point where I can’t sleep, trying to figure out how school is going to work out, and I have friends who are going to the beach but socially distancing, they all like to point out. My husband told me yesterday about two men who pulled guns on each other because of non wearing of a mask!
    It’s so hard to watch our beloved pets decline. I agree with the other reader, put Edsel in the car and go for a drive. Now I have to go get ready to see my gastroenterologist to get my 6 month check up. I had rectal cancer 2 years ago this summer. Talk about a PITA!!! 🤣

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  59. The Edsel story is alarming. How awful. I’m so sorry. You have had one thing after another. Hoping that things brighten for you SOON. Life is ‘weighty’ right now for sure.

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  60. I’m so sorry. You have every right to feel the way that you do. Please know that you aren’t alone. I saw a meme that said something like, “Living in the US right now is like being back in an elementary school. Your class has silent lunch, but they keep talking, so more silent lunch keeps being added.”

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  61. I’m so sorry about Edsel. When my husky, Nikita, was getting old and frail her back legs went out from under her all the time. In order for her to stand at her food bowl and eat i would stand behind her and straddle her hips with my knees. It was sad, but i wanted her to eat like she always had. It’s just hard watching them go in to decline.
    Last week my therapist had me take a couple of online tests to see that my anxiety is through the roof. And here I thought my only issue was depression. Turns out I’m quite anxious, too. The idea that I will never leave my house again and trump will still be president is more than I can bear.
    You keep doing what you know to be right for you and Edsel and ask for what you might need. I would love to be able to do something for you after all the years of cheering me up you have done.

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  62. The world has hit a rough patch and the things we would normally do to get ourselves out are not available, so what are we to do? I sure don’t have the answers, but I’ll say that I have worn a hole (literally) in the heel of my right tennis shoe from walking/stomping around this neighborhood nearly every day since March. Miles and miles. I guess it helps because I keep doing it, but now I need new tennis shoes and can’t go shopping, so again, what to do?
    The whole world needs a hug. You’ll get through it, June. We all will.

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  63. I never comment, but I didn’t want to read and walk away. I guess I just want you to know that you are heard. I’m sorry all of your suckish things have been one right after another, and you can’t catch a break. Hoping something goes right soon.

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  64. 100% with you.

    I am so SICK of everything. On my days off, I hide. I stay in bed much of the day so nothing bad can get to me.

    I am so sorry Edsel is having troubles. It sucks so much.

    Call or write if you need to vent further…

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  65. It’s okay to to feel overwhelmed and to sit and cry about it. You should do that as it is a release. Break your day up, take a walk or just sit on your patio and enjoy your backyard. You can only do so much at work. It doesn’t define you — if you don’t meet the deadline the world will not end. Maybe then they will realize they’re asking too much. Fuck ‘em!!

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  66. That’s all just too fucking much. That’s WAY too much. And I don’t know if it’s true for everyone, but I’m noticing that quarantine and the lack of human interaction has made me weirdly emotional anyway (Brian walked in to the kitchen last week and found me sitting at the counter, doing literally nothing but listening to the new Taylor Swift album and CRYING and he took one look and then he just walked right back out) and even little things seem so overwhelming. I’m sure there’s a smart, psychological term I don’t know that would better describe it, but it feels like my coping tank is perpetually close to being empty. I think a lot of people feel that way, but I still wish we could take on some of what you’re carrying and help somehow.

    Just know I’m thinking about you.

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  67. I’m so sorry and will send positive vibes, hoping that helps you get through the day. This has been a bad week for pets in our family, too. Is some stupid planet’s alignment causing this crap? Keeping you, Edsel and Iris in my thoughts and prayers.

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  68. Oh Coot! Life is hard. Life during these uncertain times sucks. Do what you have to do to maintain. Take walks, take deep breaths, go outside and scream at the top of your lungs. We understand and are probably doing the same.

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  69. We’ve all had those moments and it really, truly f*cking sucks to feel this way. Please know that I am hoping things change for the better soon. I am so sorry that things have piled up like this. Standing in the doorway ….

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  70. I wish I had some great words of comfort to pass along, but all I can think of is that these are indeed the times that try men’s souls. I’m happy that you had a Xanax to take and didn’t have to try to muddle through. Maybe after work, you and Eds can take a little drive. My husband and I have made it a point to go out every day during this, even if it’s just to take the dogs for a ride. Their joy is contagious. Thinking of you…..

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  71. I’m sorry, June. I’ve been feeling the same lately… I can’t take one more thing. It’s ok to cry and break down and take a sick day. Just take it one hour at a time, one foot in front of the other. Remember that you are loved ❤️❤️❤️

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  72. I am so very, very sorry. I wish you lived near us so I could hug you. I hope you find out something definitive at the specialist this week. Love you, honey. Aunt Kathy

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  73. Wow, that is a lot and I don’t have anything to say that will make you feel any better. Just want you to know I hear you and feel you.

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  74. I hate that you’re feeling overwhelmed and scared for your little family. The state of the world contributes greatly to feeling out of control. It’s the worst. Some days you just have to say “fuck it”, and take time off for mental health.

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  75. That completely sucks. You are right. Fuck. I do think you need to schedule a day off. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon. For your mental health.

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  76. I’m so sad to hear about Edsel, that is so hard to watch, he’s your buddy and he’s hurting, god that just sucks. Ass. Everything sucks right now, I don’t know how I function every day, so I’m right there with you, fuck it, fuck everything, just fuck it.

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  77. Oh honey, I remember those days and how helpless and angry and defeated it feels. My instinct is to try to help, to offer advice, to find a way to make you feel better so you can keep going. But you’re absolutely right. Fuck all this and the horse it rode in on. I’m angry and sad with you. I hope today your pets are extra cuddly.

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  78. Well, that is a TON of shit! I am sorry you are feeling blue, sometimes it is just too much. Are you due for any time off from work?

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    1. I did take the week after Labor Day off, because I noticed the only “vacation” I took this year was recuperating from surgery. I came back early from that once we had the pandemic.

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  79. Also, I think the Victorians had it right when they instituted strict periods of recovery from events and no one expected you to do squat during that time. Convalescence.

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  80. This is heartbreaking. So, the sobbing thing seems appropriate for today. As is a sick day. You need a day to recoup to say the least. I am standing in your doorway, sending love your way.

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  81. Wow. I wish I had words to offer you that would help. I do understand what you’re saying though. Some days feel like survival mode and living life like that isn’t fun.

    Not sure what to say about the job thing either. I’ve noticed since the pandemic that those of us still working and especially those working from home are
    dealing with bosses being more intrusive into personal time. I’ve heard that a lot and experienced it.

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      1. Although you are being expected to do the near impossible, I am grateful on your behalf that you were not in the group that was laid off!

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  82. Oh June, it just has been really sucky for you and I am sorry you have so much to deal with. No wonder you’re having a hard time. I hope it gets better soon for you . Just sending you good thoughts.

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