Twenty-four hours with June. The musical.

It was a little after 1:00 yesterday that Ryan called using our Teams feature at work WITH CAMERA. Remember Ryan? My youthful coworker? Of course you do. Buncha cougars.

“Why did you make these changes to this article?” he asked as I hurriedly turned my camera off, as I was doing Witchy-Poo impression with hair and delightful robe at 1:00 in the afternoon.

“Because the style guide said to do it that way,” I said, stirring my cauldron and leaving hairpins when I screamed off on my broom.

“Where?” he asked. We got out our style guides together.

“Page two,” I said, winning that round heartily.

As we spoke, I felt a migraine pokin’ at me, pokin’ at me. Remember that candy bar commercial? Long about noon, when your hunger’s pokin’ at ya, pokin’ at ya. The answer? Get a candy bar. The answer? Look on page TWO of the style guide.

I took a migraine pill and then two hours later I took a migraine pill and I might as well have done nothing because that thing came charging at me like a team of horses with a migraine in its cart. Oh my god. I laid down at 4:00, having already worked a full week so fek it. I woke up at 6:00, disoriented and still with migraine. I dragged self out of bed and headed to Lilly’s.

Lilly has kittens, you see, which I know I’ve failed to mention. And Marianne, my old friend, was running low on cats. I had to go to Charlotte on Friday anyway for Edsel’s heart appointment, so I said I’d get a kitten and bring it to Marianne, who lives near Charlotte. So last night with my head throbbing and my nausea pokin’ at me pokin’ at me, I drove to Lilly’s house to get Marianne a new cat.

Oh my god, that kitten was charming. He was not a fan of the car, or perhaps he just enjoyed mewing panickedly every 4 seconds, but once we got home there was no hesitation. He rubbed against me and purred. He observed everything without hesitation. He was a dolly head. [Official name of charming cats everywhere.]

I took Edsel with me to get said kitten, and even brought him on Lilly’s porch to observe every one of them dwelling there. It was Edsel heaven. If anyone asks me why I didn’t snap a photo with a dog on his leash in one hand, a kitten carrier in the other and a migraine in the other, I will drive over to your house and say “dolly head” 46 times, show you my three hands and then leave.

Anyway, Fred Milhous, of the Guilford County Animal Shelter Milhouses, was obsessed with the fact we had a kitten, as per usual. I realized this wasn’t a shelter kitten and I wasn’t forbidden from introducing them, so I did. Just for like 5 minutes. The black kitten rubbed against Milhous and O come let us adored him immediately.

However, I felt like dung. Oh, my head. And my naus. I slept very badly, getting up often to have the diarreee. Someone Faithful Reader Paula knows calls it diaree and now I do too. Did you ever notice how many people Faithful Reader Paula knows who say weird things? She also knows that person who thinks the store is pronounced Bed, Bag and Behind.

And what about the ex-coworker who thought it was “right from the gecko”?

Anyway. I almost canceled everything, so bad did I feel, but Edsel needed to know how his heart was and the kitten needed to be delivered, so this morning selflessly I hauled selfless self out of bed and before 8 a.m. the kitten, Edsel, my migraine and I headed to Charlotte.

[play big-city music from Andy Griffith show]

I had the car tuned to my phone so it would give me directions, speaking through my radio like I had schizophrenia, and when it wasn’t telling me to head north, which, why? Don’t say “north.” When it wasn’t doing that it kept playing really good music.

Oh my god I should have played this as my wedding song. I love love love this song. So despite my head and my diaree and my worry about that teensy kitten having to be in the car AGAIN, I sang along.

Oh, HELL, yeah. This song? I’m in college, working as a bartender at a vegetarian restaurant that served strong drinks for vegetarians who wanted to get drunk fast.

Then?

Oh, heck yeah. I should have had this as my wedding theme. I wish I looked exotic and had coffee-color skin rather than looking like a navy bean.

“Man, this is the best Sirius station,” I thought, till it played

And right then I knew, it was my dang phone playing my songs. And in alpha order! I am not bright.

Anyway, after a harrowing drive through Charlotte traffic [big-city music starts back up],

we arrived at Edsel’s cardiologist and I’d like to once again look back to those halcyon days when our pets got peaked and we just shot ’em out back.

Right when I pulled up, Marianne and her son did too.

“How did I know you’d have a super-extra-hippie mask?” I asked, as Marianne handed me coffee and an egg sandwich. She is a very nurturing hippie.

You guys, I LOVED that kitten. There are two more available at house o’Lilly. Oh, dear.

Anyway, they drove off to show black kitten his new home or worship Satan with him, whichever, and meanwhile the vet had taken the Eds in to get his heart looked at. Eventually a very good-looking vet came out. She was a woman. Don’t get excited.

“Edsel has a beautiful heart,” she said. “His blood pressure is beautiful. His ventricles are beau –“

At this point I’d burst into tears and was hugging the Eds, and then the vet cried and everyone cried and it’s a sad day when Eds is the stoic one.

HE’S FINE! HE WAS MISDIAGNOSED!

Oh my god. For almost a YEAR I’ve thought he had congestive heart failure and all he really has is bad arthritis. That’s why he falls over when we play. She is going to confab with my vet to come up with a better plan for Edsel. “We’re part of your team now,” she said, before charging me $750.

Anyone need a tarot reading?

We drove back home through one of those downpours where you can’t see a fekkin’ thing, but my car kept cranking out the jams, jams that were oddly centered on the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s, back when I was still…okay I never for a minute was cool.

Anyway, now we’re home and I’ve taken a Silkwood shower because I had to pee in a gas station that had a big sign: YES! WE HAVE COVID! So.

I have to leave in a minute as I am going to the bakery (Slogan: COVID baked right in!) to get a treat for The Poet, who is going through the shiitake mushroom kind of a time. Things are shiitake for her.

After that I plan to sleep for six days. Other than the part where I have to get up and drive Iris to the Raleigh/Durham area tomorrow.

[big-city music…]

But in sum, YAY!

Good-heartedly,
June

61 Comments

  1. So happy about Edsel! I have an acquaintance who needed some kitchen item. Someone suggested she go to Bed, Bath and Beyond for it. Her response? “No, they just have bed and bath stuff.” What do you think the BEYOND means?

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  2. Lessee if I can remember all I wanted to say while reading this.

    Eds Ball on the front seat, so cute! Yay for no heart failure! Boo for high vet bill. (I’m going through that at the moment too. Sigh.)

    Re music: at least you know you agree with yourself. (Haha, wouldn’t it be funny to have a song list you put together and later thought “who is the psycho who likes THIS?)

    Lastly, of all I can remember, is my dad calls it dire-of-the-rear.

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  3. Edsel has a healthy heart! Awesome! As soon as I read it I cried, man oh man how invested we get in our furry assed friends. Once you get Lily all fixed up, maybe you can relax and find some good in 2020.
    I have never had a migraine, knock wood. I can’t even imagine. Several of my friends suffer from them and tell me how awful they are.
    Kudos to you to be able to suck it up and deliver the sweet kitty to your friend. You did something good for a friend, and it came back to you in the form of a healthy heart for Eds.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So happy for Edsel and his heart!
    May the good health karma continue with Iris and her radiation. Hope your migraine and it’s unpleasant associates take the weekend off and just stay away.

    Many, many years ago, a friend’s little girl pronounced diarrhea as “dire rear” because that’s what she heard/thought. We, naturally, thought it was cute and said it that way for ages.

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  5. Misdiagnosed. Best news!! I hope your headache is better and sweet Iris gets good treatment tomorrow. So sorry The Poet is having such a touch time. Well yes, I do remember Ryan. That kitten is already head of the household.

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  6. I am absolutely over the moon about Edsel! Thank goodness it is not his heart! I do feel bad for him though–he must hurt. Ouch. I also feel bad for you, June. There is nothing worse than a migraine. I really hope it is gone by now. You are so impressive to have soldiered on the way you did. Good luck tomorrow with Iris. I hope she is as good as new when this is all over.

    Lovely post, lovely June!

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  7. You’re the best tame furry animal protector there is. Love to the whole cast of characters in this post. Hope all goes well on your drive with Eye-ris tomorrow. Thought about you in Charlotte today and hoped they didn’t keep you in the parking lot for too long. There was rain and a touch of the heat and humidity.

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  8. I laughed so hard at your enjoyment of the music. Little black kitty has the sweetest face, and I’m so happy to hear about Eds. I hope the migraine is long gone by now.

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  9. Thanks for working “It’s A Wonderful Life” in. You know you did. Also, next time there is s musical, will there be a libretto?

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  10. What excellent news! Edsel’s fan club is celebrating today, for sure. Somewhere far down the road there are foster kittens still unborn who can get their head start with Uncle Edsel caring for them.

    Hope your headache and the Poet’s challenges go away quickly.

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  11. Yesterday was a rough day at work as layoffs happened. Some people were freaking out. It’s a weird day when I’m the calm one. This weekend I’m planning to quietly celebrate still being employed (for now). And I’ll celebrate Edsel’s heart health. Hope your migraine clears, Joon.

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  12. Great news for Edsel…and you, too! Makes me so happy. Hope the nasty migraine makes an exit soon. Have a good weekend!

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  13. Such good news about Edsel! And I am so impressed at your fortitude to complete your day as scheduled though you felt miserable. I’m not sure I could have done it. You are amazing.

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  14. Puhraze jEEZUS ! How good can one feel, superb. Eds tremendous news, oh so tremendous. Kitty , fall in love. Marianne / son, beautiful people. Good lookin’ vet, woman, who care sex. Can I say, was it worth the migraine for all the good news. Maybe after you sleep.

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  15. That’s just about the best news I’ve heard in a while! So happy for the Edz. Hope they can get his “arthur” under control.

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  16. After a full year of worrying about Edsel’s heart health, it was worth every penny to find out he has a beautiful healthy heart! The better to love Mamma June with. Hope Edsel’s team helps him with his arthritis. Yay, team Edsel.

    Now let’s hope team Iris is as successful with her treatment. And here’s to less shiitake days for The Poet and for you.

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  17. Great news for Edz! Now you can throw Blu with vigor!
    That was quite a day, June! Look at you soldiering on for the good of the cause!
    We had BIG excitement around here. Police were chasing after an armed man. He got away wearing one handcuff and no pants! There were at least 3 K-9s on our block, and Mr. Texas, who is wfh, said they searched our backyard. I was at work. I missed the whole show. Dangit.
    “Right from the gecko” has been and will forever be in my brain. It’s a GEM!

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  18. Hey, did the relief from Edz not having a heart problem help at all with the migraine? I know sometimes balling my eyes out and being relieved about something can help break the pain/tension/stress cycle.

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  19. How wonderful to end the week with a positive report on Edsel!! Hope you feel better over the weekend!

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  20. Yaaay!

    Use tramadol for his pain.

    All my dogs eventually took it for their arthritis.

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  21. Yay! That’s the best news every for Edz. So happy to hear!! But WOW – what a vet bill. We obviously went into the wrong business, not being able to charge $750 for an hour of our time. I’ll scoot over and order a Tarot card reading for when you feel up to it.

    This weather around here isn’t helping anyone’s head. My neurologist prescribed me injectable Sumatriptan, along with the pill form. When the pills just won’t make a dent in the pain, the shot usually knocks it out. Of course, by then I’ve been writhing on the bed in pain for HOURS, so there’s that.

    Right from the gecko made me laugh out loud – for real.

    Now – time for good news about Lily.

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  22. I’ve had a rough day with back to school in the era of Covid, but your news absolutely made my day! Reading that Edsel is okay brought tears to my eyes! I’m hoping that this brings in a season of good things for you.

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  23. Yippee for Edsel!
    I once worked with someone who wrote this phrase on the whiteboard during a meeting: “It’s a doggy dog world”, and I asked myself how my life had gone so very wrong.

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  24. SO GLAD to hear about Edsel! I hope your migraine exits soon, glad the kitty got a new, happy, hippie home, you’re good peeps, and you have good taste in music!

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  25. I hope you are feeling better today and that the carbs helped the Poet. We had rain yesterday morning and a fire nearby in the evening. Excitement! I think “right from the gecko” is actually “fright from the gecko”: which is what happens when you visit Hawaii and don’t realize that there are tiny cute lizards living in the folds of the curtains. Aloha.
    Edz’s news is the best. I feel you on the arthritis old man.

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  26. Good news about Edz! Also love the little black kitten.

    Did I tell you that at one point we thought Akuma was dying of intestinal cancer? Had signs of bowl obstruction and a shadow on xray. My local vet said he could either be put to sleep or we could pay £400/hour for a canine oncologist in Central London. (We were Zone 3 peasants.) We luckily had good insurance and went to the fancy place where his endoscopy showed…

    A sock.

    He was nearly put to sleep over an ingested sock 6 years ago. Thank heavens for good vets.

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  27. Such good news for “our” boy Edsel! I personally think you should celebrate by adding a black kitten or two to the household. Not advice, just telling you what I would do.

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  28. Yay about Eds! I’m impressed that you managed to not catnap that little cutie. Hope the migraine is as short as a migraine can be.
    Lovely post, June

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  29. KVELLING for you, Edsel, the kitten, everyone!! Hope the migraine resolves quickly. I was just put on Topamax and my husband has lost 4 pounds, so I guess it’s working.

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  30. I am sad that you are plagued with the migraines! Debbie has had them a lot – me never, thankfully. But I cannot imagine driving – and in that rain too. Glad you made it safely. Be careful on the trip with Iris too… and hopefully that will also be a happy trip! Your friend Marianne is adorable – she could be your sister! Thanks for your writing – it really helps me through the days of this… pandemic hell.

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  31. Yes, why do I know so many idiots? “Right from the gecko.” “Bed, Bag and Behind.” “Diaree.”

    Is NO ONE going to comment Black Lives Matter about that dollyhead kitten? Fine. Then I just did. I probably haven’t yet offended enough people today anyway. I ordered onions and African American olives on my pizza the other day and got harrumped at. OH GO BUY A SENSE OF HUMOR YOU OLD PLAIN PIZZA HAG.

    What did Marianne name little dollyhead?

    Such great great news about Edsel! I have arthritis! If I ever chased a Blu, I, too would fall right over. I only run if there is someone large and threatening behind me brandishing a knife. I would drive to my kitchen if I could, but not because of arthritis. That’s plain laziness right there.

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  32. Thats wonderful news! Well, Edsel news, not migraine news.
    I am so broke right now I can’t donate but as soon as I am not, I’ll chip in and get my reading!

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  33. Sorry about the ‘graine but YAY for all the fabulous Friday news in Petland!

    I got nothing else. Works sucks ass this week.

    Love, not your Mom

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