Bert, convy my message

Published on by June

I’m writing this on Sunday night because I’ll tell you why.

As you know, because you have your finger way in all things June, my f-a-v-o-r-i-t-e cat Iris has been at the vet getting radiated since about aught seven. At least it feels like aught seven. She’s been gone forever. She had to get radiated, then be swept off into in an isolation booth where she can’t hear her husband giving the answers on today’s episode of Tattletales with Bert Convy.

What is wrong with me? Why does my memory …memory so?

Anyway she had to be isolated, Iris did, but as of Monday the 31nsthrd it’s been two weeks, so you could even say it glows except you can’t cause she’s in the clear.

She won’t be radioactive anymore, in case you missed my point, and I can go get her and not die of Hiroshima.

Originally, my plan was to get her Saturday because I already missed two days of work last week having The World’s Awfulest Migraine and I didn’t want to miss more. So I was going to get her Saturday, then isolate her my own self in her Bert Convy isolation booth for two days until she was no longer Karen Silkwood cat.

But then we had this hurricaney weather, see, and everyone said Saturday was going to be awful, see, and my weather app said OHMYGOD RAIN and I woke up Saturday to a very dark, ominous sky, so I called the radiation place, which is 54 miles away, and said, “You know what? I think Ima come Monday instead.”

Then Saturday’s weather was fine. Now there’s a 100% chance of rain Monday.

Everything is stressy lately.

For example, and don’t you hate it when people write, “for example”? Just shut up and tell us. I also hate, “Fast-forward to…”

For example, rewind to Friday afternoon. I was killing myself to finish a deck. A deck is a presentation. I didn’t suddenly become a deck-builder with m’hammer. Anyway, it’s usually a PowerPoint, a deck is, that we present to a client and it needs to be lovely and perfect and also each page usually has about 27,000 tiny words on it and sometimes there are tables with maths.

So I was killing self to get one done Friday, when I got a message. “Oh, by the way, we have a deck we need by end of day.”

It was Friday at 4 p.m. I was already killing self to do a deck, did I mention?

“I’m already killing myself to get a deck done,” I said, getting the sweaty panicky feeling.

So they sent it to me anyway, but told me I could do it Monday if I did it first thing. Before I even peed. So what I did instead was work on it today, Sunday. The time I would have been spending working on it Monday morning is the time I will now be driving to get Iris, the radiated cat.

Also, on Friday, after I killed myself to get that deck done? And it was like 5:45 by the time I got it done. So I turned it in, then went to make dinner, which does not relax me as it does some of you cause it’s too new and the TIMING oh my god. That’s so hard. You can have a pork chop that still oinks if you eat now when the green beans are ready.

After that precision-timing expedition, I read my book on Harry and Meghan which was stupid, and anyway the next time I looked at my phone, I had a message. “Can you copy edit this real quick?”

I didn’t do it that night, but it was haunting me. So I did it first thing Saturday and got it over with, but I couldn’t really relax because I knew I had to work again Sunday so that I could get Iris Monday. And now I’ve done the Sunday work but I just feel like tomorrow’s gonna be awful because I have to drive in the driving rain to drive my point and cat home.

So I’m like one sleeve caught on a doorknob away from having some sort of explosive hissy fit. Is what I’m trying to tell you. I haven’t had that moment where you’re like, Ah. This is the life. Now I’m chill. I haven’t felt like that in, you know, a year. So.

Anyway, I’ve said the days of the week a lot in this post, and now it’s 9:38 on Sunday night, and I have to get to bed so I can arise and hydroplane all the way to Chapel Hill tomorrow. Maybe I’ll wake up and it will be lovely and sunny and the whole drive will be a delight and Iris will have a crown of flowers on her little cat head and she will have gained sight through radioactivity and when I write you again I’ll be all, That was a delight and also, Ah, this is the life.

But I doubt it.

Stressfully,
Juan

P.S. Till Tuesday! Bah.

40 thoughts on “Bert, convy my message”

  1. Sorry about the workload June. At least am Iris snuggle will get you a step in the correct direction towards feeling all aahh, this is the life.

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  4. Great post and I’m sorry they are loading you up with so much work. Just drove home from an appointment in a NC torrential rain and thought of you and Iris all the way. Glad you’re both home.
    I feel for you with all the responsibilities. If you’ve never lived single in a house, with pets, and a too-much job you can’t really get it. Not doing it now, but been there done that, remember the frazzle, and feel for you big time.

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  7. I’m glad Iris is home. Damn pets are expensive. One of our cats was getting very skinny and we were worried she had stomach cancer like her littermate did two years ago. $545 for tests that indicated maybe she was fine but maybe she had a tumor and should have another $1000 in tests. So we took her home and have been hovering over her (literally) while she eats. It turns out that her food-aggressive siblings have gotten more food-aggressive and she has become an even slower eater over time. So while she eats up on a big wooden crate to separate her from the other two while she la-di-dahs over her food, they have decided to gobble up their portions and then jump up to eat the rest of hers. Glad we assessed before shelling out the $1000 but annoyed that we have to watch her eat three times per day while the others press against our ankles trying to convince us that they are the saddest, hungriest cats in the world and are justified in their quest to starve their sister to death. (And, no, cat experts…they do not have hyperthyroidism—they are just pigs.)

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  9. June, I nominate you for employee of the year.
    A. Your own parking space, right in front of your house.
    c. Gourmet meals for a year.
    21. Your groceries delivered.
    d. A door bell camera.
    1.6. Your porch ceiling painted.
    ww. Work outdoors at your pleasure. (Finally your own work space.)
    y. All the pet attention you could ever want.

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  10. So Iris has yet to say “Wait. You got another cat while I was gone? You didn’t have enough confidence to think I was coming home?”

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  11. My one remaining cat, Alex, at age 18 1/2 needs her teeth cleaned again. I’m worried she won’t survive the anesthesia and the stress. What certain dental food? I need some.

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    1. Barbara . Re: cat teeth cleaning. We had a twenty five year old outdoor cat who never had her teeth cleaned. Happy as a clam. Beautiful tortoiseshell.
      She did come in , in her later years when it was really cold and sleep between the wood stove and chimney. Or on the couch with three German Shepherds and went outdoors to do her business.

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    2. Barbara, my vet told me to use VetriScience Perio Support. It’s a powder that you sprinkle over their food. My cats don’t seem to notice/mind because they still eat! I’ve been using it for a while now and when my little man had his last checkup, the vet said his teeth looked good, so maybe it works. Anyway, it’s around $15/bottle and you can order it from Chewy or I guess other pet supply places.

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  12. Oh so happy that Iris can come home! I know those NC rains! They are crazy. In AZ the sky explodes but never lasts as long as in NC. I once had to drive from New Bern to Raleigh in a driving rain (to the airport) and it was terrifying. Please just be careful! Stop when it gets too bad.
    But just think of the joy – seeing Iris again and all better!
    LOL I am still laughing about the sleeve caught in the doorknob…. have had this happen way too many times! And yeah – ugh – coffee everywhere!

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  13. We’re home; it rained sometimes but never in a scary way. It was usually that sort of sprinkle, where you’re like, Do I turn on the wipers? Then you do and it’s all, SCREEEEP. SCREEEEEEEEP. So.

    Anyway, Iris feels magnificent. She already feels like old Iris, not bony Iris. Also too, Forest has been following her around since we got home and she has yet to notice. #ThirdEyeBlind

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    3. Thank you for the update. I even looked up NC weather and it seemed like the worst will be later in the day. So glad Iris is feeling better. Third Eye Blind is hysterical.

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    5. So happy Iris is home and back to her old self. She will be killing small animals in no time. Best stay far away Forrest!

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    6. I’m so happy for you and Iris. Sweet kitty. It must feel good to you to see that she’s feeling and looking more healthy and energetic. I am guessing that you and the whole pet family are taking a long siesta together. Hope that you have a peaceful and more stress free week.

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  15. I too prepared for the rainiest of rainy days this weekend. Virginia in the house. I even found myself really upset at my husband because he mulched our beds halfway through and decided that he needed a break to play his golf videa game. Our realtor is coming today to go over numbers and that is not the impression that I wanted her to have. It turns out that his bacon was saved by that nice weather.
    I am so glad that your girl is going to be home! I bet that she has missed you just like you e missed her.

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  16. Whee! You need a vacation. The beach sounds wonderful, without storms, just the water, sand and waves. I’m so glad sweet Iris is coming home. Safe travels.

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  18. It’s all stressful, which makes me love the ‘sleeve caught on a door handle’ analogy. I expect when my sleeve catches, I will be walking somewhere quickly with a full cup of coffee.

    I’m so excited Iris is coming home! It does feel like it’s been forever. I am excited for her to feel good and not miserable, she deserves it.

    May the fates give you a stress free day, June!

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  20. Timing is definitely the hardest part of cooking. I’ve been making dinner on the reg for about 25 years, and last night everyone sat in the kitchen and watched me while I waited for the potatoes to cook. It was…great.
    I’m sorry life is so stressful. Me too, but that doesn’t really help, does it?
    I like to imagine that this era will eventually pass (sssshhhh, just go with me), and we’ll all be ninja masters of navigating normal stress. I’ll get in a fender-bender on the way to a difficult dentist visit and I’ll be all “I’m sure it’ll be fine. It’s no 2020, after all!”

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  21. Happy Reunion Day! She’s going to be so excited to see you! Hopefully this is the last expensive pet intervention for a long while.
    For awhile there we were in the direct path of hurricane Laura, so we moved the usual stuff in the yard, etc. Work is muy stressy for both Mr. Texas and for me, so our bandwidth for storm prep was nil. We were going to survive on whatever was already in the fridge, and then? Slight turn to the east. We didn’t get a single drop or gust.
    Also, I feel ya’ on the “one sleeve caught on a doorknob away” from a meltdown. That made me laugh!
    Have a great day, everyone! (you know, if you want to!) bah!

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  22. Iris!! Please post pictures when she’s home, if you can.

    I never have stress-free days. But I blame myself, because I create my own stress. Usually I purge (a closet, not myself) or organize to de-stress. I KNOW. Normal people eat a pint of ice cream.

    I listened to Robert Downey Jr., this morning on a podcast and just when you think you can’t love him more, bam. I’m only halfway through, so I’ll finish it on the ride home. Further reports, etc.

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  23. Iris! Hope you have a dry low stress day. Those know it all weather people can be wrong.
    P.S. Voices carry!

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  24. Iris is the goddess of the rainbow, so you’ll probably see a beautiful one when you’re on the way home with her. It has to rain first, though.
    WTG, Iris!

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  28. Yeah, weather page says rain. One can hope they’re wrong. Excited that Iris is coming home. Missed seeing her.

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  29. I’m really sorry to hear that June.

    I lost my job a little while ago and was doing two jobs to make up the money o was normally getting. At that rate it was 8 days a week. I was doing 10+ hours a day and they were like you’re not doing enough hours… How wonderful.

    I hope Iris will be ok after that. I had my cats teeth cleaned under anaesthesia and $500 later he had perfect teeth. Vet was like you need to do all these things and he needs to eat certain dental food every day (which he absolutely loves). But I noticed yesterday the good teeth aren’t looking that good again (there’s a lot of redness) so I’m saving up for another cleaning even after my hours have been cut from 8 to 5 days because one job is running out of money.

    Anyways sorry for the mega post. Was just trying to say I yeah get the pain of big vet bills.

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