Hirsute

Every once in awhile I’ll make a decision that’s even dumber than the 1984 “I’m going to not only buy but also wear the shit out of these striped Espirit pants” decision. And that dumb decision came last night, when I said, “I’m going to leave the door open so the cats can sleep here if they so choose.”

They so chose.

Good GRAVY that was a ridiculous evening. Why do we have so many cats? I had nowhere to put my feet. I was like Princess Diana at those land mines.

Anyway, I survived it, and now my capri khakis and I are going to get into the car with Dodi Al Fayed.

But that story is not why I gathered you here today, although knowing me I could have made a whole post about how dumb it is to sleep with 86 cats. It runs in my family. My Uncle Leo was a teacher, and my cousins Katie and Maria went to his school. I can’t imagine going to school with a parent but there it is. Anyway, when Katie was in kindergarten, my Uncle Leo walked past Katie’s classroom, where apparently it was her turn to do show and tell but she had failed to bring something to show and then inevitably tell.

“These are my tights,” she began, twisting her leg to and fro. “My tights are white, and they came from…”

She made lemonade, is what she did. She pulled show and tell out of her ass. Probably literally, because remember how uncomfy those tights were? All I can recall is doing that dance where you pull ’em up. Pull, leg leg, pull.

But again, this is not why I called you here. I CALLED you here to tell you I had an actual adventure that involved leaving the house and going to work! I KNOW!

Yesterday I got a task at work, wherein I have something like 100 charts to look at, and I am to compare them to one presentation I had to download, then to another place I had to access online, then also go into a third place and make the changes I find, then also get a Word doc going to tell a person about all the changes I made.

On a laptop.

I don’t know if you HAVE a laptop, but if you do not I will clue you in on something: The screen isn’t big. For an hour I tried toggling back and forth between all the things, but since THREE of the things I was looking at all showed exactly the same information, I just had to make sure we transferred it right, I kept losing track of which document I was proofreading (and this IS proofreading, not copy editing) and which documents I was using for comparison.

I tried getting onto my desktop computer. My phone the other day told me, “You have not used this desktop in 160 days. Do you still want it to be part of the cloud?” And I was all, YES. I do not want my desktop that I paid 11 million dollars for to get offa my cloud. Has it really been that long? Yeesh.

But when I fired my desktop up, it no longer knows the stuff I have going on at work. Formerly, I’d work all day at work and then go home to my desktop—which is mine and not work’s—but somehow the good people at Apple made it so all the junk I was working on at work would be on that computer too. It was so convenient. And now it’s gone.

Finally I realized that to do this job correctly, I was going to have to print out the stuff I was proofreading. And it IS proofreading, did I mention? Sometimes just proofreading is delightfully untaxing. No rewriting, no worrying about how something is laid out. Just, does it match? Ah, it’s like a spa.

It was already 3 p.m. when I made this executive decision, so I just got in the car and went to work. I was wearing a long-sleeve workout shirt, the kind that’s thin cotton but has a hood that you’d never use. I was also wearing black yoga pants, but I wouldn’t call them black, exactly, as they were more fur yoga pants. Oh my god, there was some Edsel on there, and also some Lily. They were like mink pants.

Also it was the longest ride in, ever. I only live six minutes from work, but I hit every light, even those lights you never hit, where they only come on if some yahoo hits the button for the walk/don’t walk thing. One guy hit that and rolllllllllled across the street at the speed of tar, in his wheelchair, and I realize I am a horrible person that I was all, “COME ON” to the guy in a wheelchair, just trying to get his drink on at the Angel Convenience Store that I never ever go to as it looks unsanitary. Everyone here in this hood just thrives on that Angel Convenience Store. I feel like it must get robbed on the reg. I’d BE an angel if I went in there.

What are you called when you’re dead but in hell? You aren’t an angel. What would you be?

Oh my god, anyway. I’ve talked 8 hours and haven’t even gotten to work yet.

So finally I pulled in and my parking area, fmr., that was always full and you were lucky to find a spot in there, had two other cars parked in it. I walked in and there are still “social distance” signs up from those heady days of early March that I wasn’t part of since I was home recovering from surgery. Did you know I had surgery?

The lights were off, but I could see way down–I work in an old mill so it’s just a huge room–that someone was there, in accounting. I thought of saying hello but remembered my fur yoga pants.

I got to my desk, where the calendars still read February, and noted a line of ants on my desk, ants I promptly and gleefully murdered. Then I turned on my computer with my smile and I need to get over that line and discovered?

Printer was out of toner.

HOW? No one’s BEEN there since 1842, unless that guy in accounting is printing off mathlete competition invites or something. I called IT, who have been coming in every day. They’re on another floor.

“Go downstairs to the Garden Level and try the printer there,” said IT. “I’ll hook you up to that printer from here.”

Computers are a miracle.

“Griff has a whoo de blackerdle,” said the IT guy, so I sat at Griff’s desk and hooked my laptop up to Griff’s blackerdle, and Dear Griff: I am probably having your child now.

It worked, and next thing you know I could hear the printer on the Garden Level (I worked down there for years. Garden Level is a euphemism for basement.) whirring out my pages. There were a TON and I had to open each chart and print it individually. It took forever, so I had plenty of time to observe Griff’s desk and note that he’s filled out a subscription card to Golf Digest.

Anyway, once I printed everything, I got to the printer, and?

Found some stuff that belonged to the owner of the company. I mean, they weren’t state secrets or anything, but I think they probably just got sent to the wrong printer and there they were for everyone to look at.

And that is how I ended up on the pretty floor at work, the floor with all the exposed brick and giant old-mill windows, delivering papers to THE OWNER OF OUR COMPANY, praying to god and all the Angel Convenience Stores that she would not be there BECAUSE CAT YOGA PANTS OH MY GOD.

As I walked the long walk down the pretty floor and to the owner’s office, I kept sort of pulling at my pants like they were my cousin’s tights. I was hoping some of the fur would fall off as I pulled, kind of like Pigpen when he has that cloud behind him when he walks. “Why couldn’t you have just PULLED ON SOME JEANS before you left?” I admonished self.

The owner of our company is impeccable. She has never, in nearly 10 years of my knowing her, looked anything less than perfection. Even when I’ve run into her outside of work. Perfection.

I won’t keep you in suspense a moment longer: She wasn’t there. And I likely left a trail of dander that I hope will not kill some allergic coworker when they do return to the office.

Anyway, I’d better go proofread some charts. I don’t know if I mentioned I have a lot of charts to look at today. Also I own some cats. Did I mention that?

Harriedly,
June

61 thoughts on “Hirsute

  1. Lovely post June. I would think the inhabitants of hell could be termed “The Damned”. I remember going to a parents’ evening at my daughter Rosey’s school when she was about seven, and they had asked the children what they wanted to do when they grew up and had put pieces of writing up on the walls. Rosey’s best friend wanted to be a teacher. Other kids wanted to be doctors, nurses or footballers. Eventually I found Rosey’s essay. Her ambition : to live in Jamaica and wear red lipstick!

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  2. Oh god, tights and pantyhose–such bad memories.
    I’m always covered in cat and dog hair. It’s gross but there’s not much one can do about it really. I no longer buy anything made of black cotton. (One of my cats is white.) I tell myself I must be being punished because I’m apparently wearing a hair shirt.
    Offa my cloud!

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  3. My sweet angel dog has been gone almost a year and I still am finding her fur on some of my clothes. I love when that happens. And I never take it off. I also know that means I never clean my sweaters and I am a terrible housekeeper. And I don’t care.

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  4. Fursute.
    Toggling between screens sucks. I rather enjoy printed copies and spreading them out on a long table to work. I’ve been going to my office all along though there were very few people until two weeks ago. It feels weird to go anywhere other than work or home.
    Excellent post, June!

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  5. Thank you for all the funny you describe in a normal day situation . You are keeping me smiling in this land of a very few reasons to smile. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.
    Bad day here today and you made it all seem worthwhile.

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  6. Wait, you had surgery?
    And who can look impeccable all the time? I can once a year. Or on my wedding day. That’s about it.
    It’s so weird that all of Florida it seems or at least where I am is back to normal and we are all working, eating, drinking, on the premises. Stupid and weird but I can’t work from home as I work in a resort. Wearing a mask when you walk outside in 102 is so fun! Great post!

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  7. I wore knee socks, navy blue ones from first through ninth grade as part of my Catholic School uniform. Thank the heavens because tights were a nightmare. The worse were those damn fishnets that cut off the circulation in my chubby thighs. I revisited tights in winter as an adult. They were queen sized and I had to perform ridiculous maneuvers to get the damn things on only to have them slip down and have baggy ankles all day. They were not well suited for me at all. I admire your cousins on the spot creativeness, Joon. One of my old bosses had to do a demonstration in public speaking in college. She was not shy at all and I am sure her tall, skinny ass aced it. She shaved her legs in front of the class!
    Why is traffic ALWAYS like that when one is late for something? Infuriating!
    Koala Raspberry

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  8. My daughter was in a class that I got to sit in when she was around 5. Every week the students had an opportunity for show and tell, and the chatty kids did the same as the tights girl — looked at their stuff or rooted around in their backpacks for something to talk about. Sometimes it was the same item left in there from the week before. Afterward, the others could ask questions. One of my all-time favorite “questions” was from a little girl who raised her hand and said, “I have a question to ask myself.”

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  9. Tights! OMG… Total punishment. But then it brought to mind the agony cause by – wait for it – Nylons with seams. Ha ha…. Yes I am 1000 years old. But when they did away with those – that was a happy day!

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  10. post like this are why WE LOVE JUNE! Tights, on little kids are never correct, droopy crotch, dirty knees, twisted up, but heck, back in time we had to wear a dress, hence dang tights. I dreamed of knee socks in colors that would match my dress. However, my mom only bought us white knee socks in bulk, so we would not have to “find a mate.” All I wanted was colored knee socks and colored hair ribbons, nope.

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    1. We were so deprived as children! No hair ribbons but two different colored rubber bands from the newspaper is what she used on our hair. Gawd.

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  11. My mom was the high school librarian and my entire high school was probably less than 300 students. I was a good kid but you couldn’t do anything she didn’t know about.

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  12. I don’t think I have ever had tights that fit correctly. I am always too tall (and usually too plump). And those toe seams drive me insane and even when they don’t, it still feels like my toes are being strangled. Then one day I realized that if you’re wearing high enough shoes or boots, you can cut the bottom off of the tights and wear socks that are hidden by your footwear. That was a game-changing revelation. The tights will not unravel, the cut edge will stay at your ankle, and the extra inches give me more leg length so I spend less time doing the infamous crotch and/or waistband pulling. (*Bonus use for tights tip* If you wear masks with elastic that hurts your ears, cut inch wide bands from a pair of tights, stretch them and attach them to your masks to replace elastic. The bands look like thicker, nicer versions of the loops we used as kids to weave potholders on those square looms. They’re really comfortable, won’t unravel, and are washable.)

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  13. Hirsute. Killed. Our youngest used to enact a Greek tragedy every Sunday morning. Husband was an Army Chaplain. It’s important the pastor be on time. Daughter would throw herself on the floor yelling “No tights mommy! No tights.” Come hell or high water, at the end of church I’d be looking around for a pair of tights and the confining shoes. Still bugs.

    All 4 of my girls still randomly scream “No tights, Mommy,”

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  14. I didn’t wear tights often because of the tug factor. I was squirmy enough without the added incentive. The fur pants and Diana stuff killed me dead.
    Lovely post, lovely June

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  15. How do the perfectly styled at all times do it? I have tried from time to time, and just think I fail. Then I give up and just give up and put my day 3 unwashed hair in a braid and wear my old workout gear. All the people on my team are in accounting so when they were working from home we had to quickly get 2 external screens and docking stations for them to take home. In a hurry. You know how many other people were buying the same to do same? Everyone. Easy, it was not. Some did take their current in office desk set ups, so that helped.

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    1. when COVID started I had to run around to 20 different stores trying for find screens and docks and modems for my team. With the other 10,000 people in the same boat. I bought 20 laptops in 1 day…yikes

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  16. Everything about this post is golden! Apparently I have lots to say and lots to learn.
    I loved Espirit clothing then the one day where I no longer fit into such clothing was a sad day – but then they closed the shop and I forgot all about them until today
    Twice a year or thereabouts I am not officially tracking I let the cats into the bed thinking this time will be different it never is – the last time I was bit on the ear how is that even possible so they get banned again until I think aw yes you can come in here –
    Last week dropped into my office to find IT has taken over all available space setting up laptops, phones, widgets and gizmos so I may never go back and right now there is no room for even a slim pencil on my desk
    I had to get a new car so I did – when I got out of new car there was dog hair on the seat – the dog died earlier this year so the dog never ever saw the car or was ever in the car and yet there is his hair – also on all my coats and my couch
    One last thing! I was hey the title is not tying into the post like it normally does – then I looked up the definition of hirsute because it was not what I thought it was –

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  17. When I was in first grade my mother was a teacher in a country school, and I got to be in her class! It was weird but cool. An interesting tidbit: there was a dead dog close to the road and every day we got to see the process of decomposition. Very educational. Good luck on that proofreading, sounds like a nightmare.

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  18. This post made me laugh out loud 3 separate times. I also had a headache by the time I finished reading about the charts and the 3 things and the printer roulette but all the laughter chemicals canceled the headache. This was gold, June. You are the champion with the lemon squeezer. Also, I’m sorry to hear you had to go under the knife.

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  19. Lovely post Coot.
    The land mine schtick was fabulous. Still snickering.
    Those tights were awful. I was a super skinny little boney thing and by the time I got to school they would have puddled around my ankles. I would spend the rest of the day pulling and tugging to no avail.
    I hear you on laptops and charts. I work on a laptop and stare at spreadsheets all day. I bought two additional monitors which helps but I forget which screen I am working and will invariably move the wrong column on the wrong spread sheet and all my columns will be all #ref. Frustrating is what it is.

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  20. I have been back to my office 2x since March 13 — once, in June, bc I had an eye dr appt around the corner (thank GAWD bc my glasses prescription was 2 years old!). At that trip, I packed up my 25 years’ of working there stuff and brought it all home. Masked and gloved, the entire time. SURE I was gonna get the ‘rona.

    Second time was 9/1 bc our ass’n’s annual meeting was taking place virtually for the first time in 165 years and my boss freaked me out that it was gonna go horribly awry (spoiler – it did not bc I am a master at virtual meeting planning, thankyouverymuch), so he sat in his office and I sat in mine, masked and gloved.

    It is FREAKY and v. uncomfortable to be there. And I go places (Costco, grocery store, Target, etc.). But the office? CREEPED me out. And yes, also, I had to put on more regular clothes, and .(eye) makeup. Did not like, do not recommend.

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  21. Ugh, tights! I swore as a teen that I’d never wear them again…and then I wanted to keep wearing skirts to work during the winter, and I discovered sweater tights. They’re not ~quite~ as bad as the tights when i was a kid, but there’s still pulling and tugging…

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  22. I get a headache just thinking about your proofreading work!
    Lovely post, again. You can make the most uneventful activity like walking down a hallway into such am entertaining story.

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  23. Kudos to you on the tights tie in and for making me laugh at your mink pants and your slow as tar remark. Well done. Oh and having the co worker’s baby after plugging into his printer or whatever. Good stuff. Good luck with your charts. Do not envy you there.

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  24. You painted that picture so beautifully, it felt like a movie as I read along.
    I’ve been working at work all along and enjoy having the opportunity to get out of the house even though I’m quite isolated in my office. I can’t imagine what it will be like when people do go back to work. My BIL just told me that his company has already stated no one in the office until June of 2021. I just thought at that point, why bother?

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  25. Walking with tights on is called “short-stepping it” in my world. You can’t fully extend your legs because the crotch of the tights is at mid-thigh so you have to short-step it to get anywhere. I have to buy the plus size ones to get them to come up high enough in the crotchal area but then the waistband comes up to my goozle. It’s a flattering look.

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  26. ohmygod the landmine comment. Did not have anywhere to put your feet. That nearly got iced coffee out my nose!
    I vividly remember how the heavily seamed crotch of those tights – that seam was like the seam of a mattress) was at mid-thigh or lower within 20 minutes of wearing them. I recall, also vividly, as you do, that my mother did not care to see me hike that crotch up to where it was supposed to be during Mass. You know us Catholic kids: sit, kneel, stand and hike your tights up, kneel again…

    Our middle child came home to visit last weekend with her boyfriend. We went out to breakfast Sunday and I saw him murmur something to her. He thought he had a hair in his food. (I don’t gross out easily but if I see a hair in my restaurant food I’m out.) She just shrugged and said “It’s a dog hair from your coat, which was at our house, so…” That poor guy. We were all thinking “one of our dogs’ hairs in your food? No biggie.”

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  27. I go to work several times a week. I have an office with a door, which makes it easier. But I don’t like working from home and one reason is working on a laptop. I manage several documents at one time and at the office I have two long monitors. One is landscape and one is portrait. Trying to get all that flowing on my laptop is maddening. I always end up on the wrong document.

    You don’t become an angel when you go to heaven. Angels are created beings of spirit, not recycled human beings. You are still you in heaven, but you have an incorruptible body.

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    1. I always liked a limerick the irreverent Edwardian author Saki sent to his sister:

      There was a young girl called O’Brien
      Who sang Sunday school hymns to a lion.
      Of this lady there’s some
      In the lion’s tum-tum
      And the rest is an angel in Zion.

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  28. I think you would be a demon if you’re from hell. Your frustration at the wheelchair guy killed me! I would be the same way, especially because I had to go into the office.

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  29. The building I work in has been shut down since mid-March. I went on vacation 3/3, told everyone I’d seen them in a wekk and left. Ha! I had to go into the office last week for the first time since then and It was surreal. It was like everything was frozen in time. People had left things on their desk assuming they’d be back “tomorrow” and of course, they weren’t. We have a Starbucks on our floor which still the cute chalkboard with specials out. I ended up taking an early retirement, so there’s people I’ll never see again. Like I said, surreal.

    CommandoBarbie

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    1. Yes, I had to go back to my office in June after they laid a bunch of us off, just to pick up my stuff I left there in March. It felt eerie and weird and my little plant (given to me by a coworker) was missing. But there was a note left on my desk by another coworker that said he had moved it to the window to give it more light, and that is where I nearly lost it. I loved my coworkers.

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  30. My mother was a high school teacher but we had two high schools in our district, so she asked to work in the other one. The one that was further away, with a somewhat sketchier demographic (please. it’s the suburbs), just so she wouldn’t be in “my” school. I appreciated that but trust me: even though I was never smoking in the bathroom or having sex under the bleachers, or vice versa, all of the teachers at “my” high school that were in the same department (taught the same classes) as my mother were all FRIENDS and those narcs would’ve outed me in a skinny minute.

    For a minute there, I thought Uncle Leo was going to burst into the classroom to be Katie’s Show and Tell.

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    1. me, too! I thought the punch line was I have this dad? and he’s a teacher here?” But tights. That is SOME lemonade, right there.

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  31. Every night I get into bed and it’s covered in pet fur not matter how hard I try to keep it clean. I think to myself this would probably gross out most people then I get in it and sleep like a baby 🙂 The dogs are worth it.

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  32. I couldn’t imagine how you were going to tie the tights into the story and you did it. I have not been in my office since March 17. We have to have senior director approval for entry. We also did an equipment retrieval so people could get their desk chairs and extra monitors if needed.

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