Woman walks into a salon

I don’t want you to become too compelled, but I am deep-conditioning my hair right now. The REASON I’m deep-conditioning my hair is because I

WENT

TO

A

HAIRDRESSER

yesterday. First time since November 25, 2019. I remember the date because I’m weird about dates. I really am. Ask any family member you happen to see: What’s the best tuna? And also, Who’s the idiot savant about dates? In both cases it’s June. Chicken of the sea. And, really, chicken of anyplace else. See above re not getting her hair cut all year.

Lemme grab my phone and show you a photo from yesterday when I walked into the salon.

“Why, June. Your hair looks marvelous. There was no need to risk life and limb and go to a salon. When exactly did you escape from Witch Mountain, anyway?”

I’m serious, that’s the best it can look nowadays. Well. That’s not true. Some days I have better luck than the above, but not often. In general it just has gotten so heavy that it won’t curl.

I went to the same hairdresser I went to last time. You remember. On November 25, 2019? Anyway, she was diplomatic. “What products have you been using? Anything different?” She picked my hair up several times, trying to conceal her emotions. Her roiling emotions.

What I do, see, is belong to several Curly Girl sites on Facebook, and what THEY do, see, is tell you the CHEAPEST Curly-Girl-friendly shampoos and conditioners out there. When you have curls there are certain ingredients you want to avoid.

Then what I do, see, is head on out to Unique Beauty Supply, or at least I used to pre-plague, and get said supplies. Lately I’ve just been reordering my stuff on the Amazon, there.

My hairdresser sighed. “Yes, I know these products. If you want, I can suggest some stuff that you can’t buy at Target.”

TARGET! I go to Unique Beauty Supply! How dare you—oh, okay. What are they?

So I left there with new gel and a deep-conditioning mask, and when I’ve gotten that second mortgage I plan to get shampoo and conditioner. Oribe. That’s the high-end shit I got. It better work, as I am now impoverished. So anyway I figured I’d keep the $800,000 hair mask on while I type, and rinse it after.

She cut my hair dry—another thing you’re supposed to do with curly hair, so there was no dramatic “after” picture, but I will provide you one later today. You’re welcome. UPDATE: OK, it doesn’t look that good. I’ll try again tomorrow and send you a photo.

I have a big day ahead of me. Of course, I plan to get a migraine later, since I seem to have one EVERY DAY now. But also it’s flu shot day at work, so we are to go into the office two by two like Noah’s Ark, go into our fitness room—fitness whole virus in my body—and get socially distanced shots. As luck would have it my slot is the same as Wedding Alex’s, so to speak, so we will see each other for the first time since February.

Then last night, Lottie Blanco phoned me. “Are you going to the office for your flu shot?” she asked. And that is how we arranged to meet up so she can give me

SPARE RIBS

and

POTATO CASSEROLE

and also

PUMPKIN POP TARTS

today. I am beside myself. It all sounds so delicious. Remember when the Lottie Blancos fed me regularly? How I miss those days of being fed.

I realize all this hobbing and nobbing means I am riddled with coronavirus. I will get coronavirus, family size. Coronavirus, director’s cut. Corona, extended remix. But you know me. All devil-may-care, over here. I toss caution to the wind.

All right, I gotta go. Work starts in three minutes and I have to rinse the million-dollar conditioner out my head. Did I mention it better work?

Talk to you post-ribs.

Sveltely,
June

50 thoughts on “Woman walks into a salon

  1. “November 25, 2019…” called to me like a dog whistle. That day goes down in history as my last “fake” birthday. Let me take you all on a journey to 1963, when my mother threw a hissy fit at the local elementary school, insisting that the office staff record my birthday as 11/25/1959 and disregard my birth certificate that stated my date of birth as 11/24/1959. She told the principal that the hospital got the date wrong and she went into labor during the holiday dinner on Thanksgiving Day 1959, so she would NEVER forget the day was when I was born. Sigh. So that led to the birthdate of 11/25 on my social security card, driver’s license, school and university records… oh and the IRS too. But last year before I turned 60, I wanted to sign up for Survivor’s benefits and the birth certificate did not match with the social security card and driver’s license. SO… I updated the driver’s license first and then was able to file for the Survivor benefit and change my social security information with the the correct birthdate, all at the same time. The only issues that I had later, was updating the birthdate with doctors offices. They were aghast. I got tired of repeating my story over and over. No one could simply edit my records- a new one had to be created like I was a new patient and then it was merged into the old records. The moral of this story is … I miss my old birthday date and the myth that I was born on Thanksgiving Day🙄 Because my mother was wrong. I checked and in 1959, Thanksgiving Day fell on November 26th.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Haha good point! If she was going to argue against the validity of the day of birth on hospital and county recorder documents, then how am I really sure that it was the correct year???

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  2. Looking forward to the after picture. I just love before and after photos. Hope the pricey product works! You haven’t been to the salon in almost a year, so you deserve that hair mask.

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  3. I actually like your hair. It’s bouncy and curly and looks lively. You have lively hair, not limp, baby fine and flaccid hair, like mine. I have to get a perm to even remotely get a look like yours. No I don’t have penis envy, but I do have hair envy.

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  4. I’ve seen Oribe on Zulily, if you are interested. Not sure their price is any better. Also my last haircut was right before we went to Hawaii in Jan. HOW WAS THAT THIS SAME YEAR?? No plans for another cut or trip anywhere in the near future, but I have straight-ish boring hair that always looks the same if a little bit frazzled on the ends now. No one sees me so I’m not too shook about it.

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  5. I so admire people who can cook. When I try to cook a special dish it never turns out the same way twice. One year for Thanksgiving I made mashed potatoes with cream cheese and sour cream. It was fabulous. Next time I tried it, it was nothing special. I don’t know how that can happen but it did.

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  6. Now we must all wipe November 25, 2020 from our Big Book of June important dates. Do y’all use whiteout or do you just cross it out and put the new date above?

    Also, big no to Pop Tarts until you said pumpkin. Were it not for COVID I would have a box of pumpkin Pop Tarts on my kitchen counter before dinner time. Or maybe I would hide them in the storage cage downstairs so I could eat them without some particular person giving me the hairy eyeball. Junk food eaten in private is a guilty pleasure.

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  7. I went for a while doing the baking soda wash and the apple cider vinegar rinse method. And I loved what it did for my hair, but there were 2 drawbacks: 1. The vinegar is ice cold compared to the warm water and i hated it.
    2. If the vinegar gets in your eyes it is 1000 times worse than any shampoo or soap ever thought of being.
    Looking forward to the after photos!!

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    1. I do the vinegar rinse. I have a bottle of vinegar and an empty (shampoo or conditioner) bottle both on the sink. When I get to the point in my shower that I want to do the vinegar rinse, I put some vinegar (room temp) into the empty bottle, then fill the rest of the bottle with hot water, shake to mix, then pour it over my head. That way you’re not pouring anything cold on your head.

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  8. I also too don’t know why I have any friends, they tell me It’s cause I’m hilarious, maybe It’s the same with you. Much love to the lotties, any person who feeds another just because, deserves heaven on earth.

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  9. I think you all are missing the true focus of this conversation which must be the POTATO CASSEROLE. Oh my dog, I can almost taste that as I remember from my shirt but lovely stint as a travel nurse in NC. The nicest people I have ever met, beautiful autumn colors, and the food! My first week there I was invited to my coworker’s (of 2 days) granddaughter’s christening and potato casserole was on the potluck menu. I’m sure family photos show “that sweet Mexican gal” hunkered down in the corner shoveling food into her gullet. Ah, memories.

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  10. That is a long wait for a haircut. Is the curly girl stuff cheap? My daughter is covered in very tight curls. She doesn’t use that stuff but I have looked at it.

    When I was I high school my dad took me to a hair salon while we were visiting my sister at college. It was mom’s weekend so we weren’t all that involved in the visit. I was trying to grow my hair out but my mom was opposed. Knew nothing about product. It looked like a bale of hay. Awful. My dad looked up a place in the yellow pages in South Bend. He waited outside. This lady Carla was so sweet. Looked like Carla from Cheers. She told me to give my hair a deep conditioner by getting it wet with hot water and wiping mayonnaise in it and wrapping it in a hot towel. It helped. My mom still preferred short boy hair and constantly reminded me of that.

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  11. My husband was beginning to look like King George III with the no haircut since January situation. I was going to take the dog clippers to him as he slept but I don’t have a dog. Thank God after numerous nudges he got a nice Marine cut. Marriage saved! I’ve been going in as the terms and conditions of the virus have allowed, so three cuts this year.

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  12. Am I the only person on the planet who does not like pumpkin? It’s OK but I’d much rather have apple flavored things in the fall. Can’t wait to see your hair post mask! I go back and forth on the expensive vs. cheap things for my hair and right now I’m having an affair with L’ange. They have some things that tame my super frizzy mess into nice sleek hair that doesn’t frighten the wildlife around here.

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    1. I’m with you on the apples over pumpkin. Nothing like a nice crisp apple that’s just been picked. Any apple dessert is always my first choice.

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    2. No, you are not the only one who doesn’t care for pumpkin. I will have a slice of pumpkin (not punkin!) pie on Thanksgiving, but give me a good ol’ cheesecake any day.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Your hair when you “went” to the Zoom wedding was beautiful. Is your hair like mine….perfectly fine until one day it is Beyond Hope? Also, the look on your face in the photo above is priceless.

    Liked by 3 people

  14. You and I were on the same wavelength – see what I did there? I love myself – yesterday I also went to the hair salon, first time since January 27, 2020. I’d called to find the “safest time” to go – when the stylist who has the chair next to hers would not be in. Turns out she and I were the only ones on that side of the shop. Can’t wait to see your after!
    #sobrave

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  15. I switched to expensive Shampoo about 4 years ago ago and have not gone back, although I am looking to try a different expensive brand as I hate the smell of mine. I use Biomatrix and it is about 15 bucks for the small bottle each but I have been able to stock up on it during Black Friday sales. So I buy like 4 shampoo/conditioner combo boxes once a year now. Of course I may be the only one to think 15$ a bottle is expensive shampoo. Might be showing my arse.

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  16. Yay for the Lottie Blancos !! Hope your dinner is delicious because the description sounds marvelous. Mmmm.

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  17. For your everyday migraine. Drink more water every day. I want this to work for you SO bad . It also helps your skin, hair, thinking and weight management. Find out how much you need to drink per day and try that for a month, the four week challenge.
    En garde. I challenge you.

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  18. Rain Man, I know your hair is going to look amazing. Oh, that meal sounds delish (can I say delish). Tuesday we (me and my husband) were on our way to a medical appointment, we got on the elevator leaving the parking deck and all of a sudden the elevator was FULL of people! I freaked out and just blurted out, “there are too many people in here!” We got off the elevator and decided to walk the long way around to AVOID the crowds. I couldn’t believe the people just kept packing in the elevator.

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    1. Good for you, man. I can’t believe how people are acting like everything’s normal. “Here’s a photo from our family reunion!” Wait. What?

      P.S. Kmart sucks.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. I really need to find friends who will bring me food. That all sounds delicious! Can’t wait for the afters.

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  20. Wait, are we calling the Noap the cheap stuff? Because that seemed kinda pricey to me for a bar of conditioner. And I am still loving mine.

    Excited to hear your review of the caviar, truffle, and gold flake mask.

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    1. Oh, hell, no. The NOAP was definitely pricey. I’m talking the Cantu shampoo and the coconut conditioner that I can’t recall the name of.

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      1. The curly sites I’ve visited in the past (trying to coax my slight wave into something more to no avail) seem to have multiple fans of using the Suave coconut conditioner instead of shampoo.

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  21. Congratulations on your yearly haircut. Also too on scoring spare ribs! Potato casserole! Tarts! How I wish I had someone to bring those to me.

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  22. I too am excited to see the new hair. Pumpkin pop tarts, yum. I have been partaking of sugar free pumpkin creamer and pumpkin spice Milano cookies. Very delicious!

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      1. I had some pumpkin spice Twinkies last weekend. Current Day Twinkies are not as delicious as our childhood Twinkies, but they are decent. I did enjoy the pumpkin spice filling, so much so, that the entire box of 10 was gone in 72 hours.

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  23. Is there really a difference in the expensive stuff vs the cheap stuff? Or does it depend on the situation? I bought some SUPER expensive hair thinning products from my hairdresser and I don’t see any difference. My hair still falls out at an alarming rate.

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    1. I also think it depends. I spent a fortune on salon products over the years and none of them have made a difference for my hair. Not even saying it wasn’t a difference worth the money. I’m saying no difference at all.

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