Formica, cat food, candy cigarettes and David Sedaris

I probably won’t be able to write you tomorrow morning. I have to get Forest Lawn, cemetery kitty extraordinaire, to the vet.

Here he is eating Iris’s food. I called the vet to ask about this, and they say it’s OK if everyone eats Iris’s food, although Forest needs a daily can of kitten food as well, which he does eat. So at least I feel less nervous about everyone eating it, not to mention annoyed because it costs. But it’ll cost less to try to buy regular cat food, kitten dry food, kitten wet food, and also special Iris stomach food.

Anyway, Forest and I have to be at the vet between 7 and 9 a.m. tomorrow, where they will promptly remove his man parts, and then I can get him in the evening. I have to be “at” work at 8:30, so I really don’t see when I can blog at you tomorrow, unless I am there at the exact time of 7 a.m. and have we met? That is not going to happen.

I’ve never waited till a cat is 7 months old to fix him. I can’t think of when I had an unfixed cat in the house, cause the shelter always insists on doing it before you can take them home. I wonder if Forest has ever gotten to … you know. Bang a gong. I wonder if he tells the other cats about it and they’re all, like, whoa. For realz? We live in cage then get fix and we get zero tail ever.

Perhaps I need to get out more.

But I can’t. Plague. I like how the numbers are getting alarming again and every photo on my social media is people at restaurants and on trips. Are we just incapable of telling ourselves no? Of not socializing? What horrible thing do we think will happen if we tell ourselves no and feel a bit bored and lonely? It won’t kill you, you know, to feel bored and lonely. Coronavirus might actually kill you, though.

But let’s go back to my table. This image is a whole nother day where Forest is over here eating poor Iris’s food. It’s on this table because then Edsel can’t get it. The rest of the cat food, the bowls that go uneaten, are on the dryer for the same reason. I used to have Iris’s food on a counter but she can’t get to it on her own and I always had to lift her to it like I was her personal elevator. Like I was Mrs. Otis. She can get to the table on her own.

Anyway, the table and chairs are from Peg. I am sure they are “good” because she was a designer, but I am really hankering for a Formica table, a small one. I’d like to put it against the window but the fridge would be in the way, which irks.

What do you think? And where can I get a cute Formica table? These chairs above are so bulky, and don’t really fit in the table and are forever banging against it.

Maybe I don’t want Formica. Maybe I just want a small white table where you can bend the leaves down. You know what I mean? Then I’d have more room in the kitchen. Living in a small house is fine for me, but there’s hardly ever a time I’m not squeezing around something.

I act like I have all this money to just buy tables. Did I tell you what happened with m’car payment? They called me last week to say, “You car payment is late.”

Late? I have auto payments.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Really? I swear I … well, OK. I’ll pay it now.”

And I did. Then the very next day? They withdrew my autopayment. My auto autopayment. And just try to get ahold of them. You can’t reach a person unless you enter your PIN, which I don’t have. They THINK I have a PIN because the bank that has my car loan is the bank where Marvin still goes, and he never took me off his bank stuff, so technically I could pay using Marvin’s bank info, which I CAN STILL SEE when I look at my car stuff.

I never do this. Because I am a magnificent person.

Anyway, if I knew HIS PIN I could speak to a representative. But since I do not know it and I can’t talk to anyone to tell them all this, I can’t reach a human at my bank.

The whole thing makes me feel very calm. Centered, is what I feel.

What the hell does that even mean? I want actual, concrete words describing what being centered is. I hate those yoga words. Fold down through your heart. Shut yer namastehole.

See. Just one moment with my bank thoughts and I’m already hostile.

Anyway, once the end of the month gets here and I am not living on whatever’s left over after you make two car payments by accident, I want to look at table solutions.

Can I put Peg’s table in the attic or will it come crashing through the ceiling and kill me? “She stayed home so she would’t die and then her table killed her.”

It seems like a good table, have I said that? And one day maybe I’d regret not having it. When, though? I’m old. I’m practically done. Then my loved ones will have to go to my attic, where by the way I have never gone in this house, and lug down Peg’s table and be all, “What’re we gonna do with this?”

For some reason I am scared to look in my attic. I picture a snake lounge area, where they’re all smoking on chaises. Can snakes climb up your house? They must be able to, right? God, snakes are creepy. How do they light their cigarettes?

This just made me think about how October 5 marked 10 years that Ned stopped smoking. He’d smoked like a snake on a lounge chair for 25 years, then made the decision to stop when he read a David Sedaris book, and then? Stopped. He got Chantix from his doctor but he had terrible nightmares so he didn’t take it long. He just stopped.

In a million years I’d never be able to just stop suddenly like that. I have to go back and forth for ages. I always admired his ability to do that. I never knew Ned as a smoker. Once we smoked candy cigarettes but that was as far as that went.

I think candy cigarettes are my favorite candy, because not only is it the candy you can play with, it also just sends a terrible, terrible message to children, and I am always down with that. I feel the same about toy high heels. Not that you eat those. Unless you do. Oddball.

I’d better go. I have to go to work and then I have to go to bed and then I have to get up and take the cemetery cat to get his headstones removed. I’m swamped.

By the way, I saw the chickens again last night. This time they were literally playing in that yard with three children. They were not at all alarmed by said children, they just plucked along as chickens do while children played. I offered them all candy cigarettes and play high heels.

So I guess they’re OK and I should stop worrying about the loose chickens. Is my point.


55 thoughts on “Formica, cat food, candy cigarettes and David Sedaris

  1. I went to my neighbor’s house for Bunco once and she had one of those aluminum and Formica tables that was straight out of my grandmother’s kitchen – you know, with the aluminum edges but the flecked/colored Formica top. “I NEED this table!” I announced, which really drew a really strange look from the owner, but I don’t care. A year or so later, they were moving and she mentioned that the new place was smaller and only had room for one table. “If you’re getting rid of the metal/Formica one, I’ll take it!” I offered. But she was like, no, she was going to put it in the laundry room. Hmmmph. I still think about it.

    Also, my parents had this round kitchen table that was completely 1950/60s – I don’t even know what it was made of, but it looked like glass (wasn’t glass) and had like small stones underneath, I guess, that you could see. My brother remodeled and threw out the table and I hate myself for not taking it. HATE. I don’t even have a picture.

    You can title this comment “Tables I Have Loved and Lost”


  2. Dearest June, I need to let you know that four days per week, I am responsible for feeding and watering my father’s chicken collection aka 18 laying hens. He got them as little chicks but could not take care of them due to a permanent health issue and he rides around in an electric wheelchair. The hens have grown to ostrich size. They live in a spacious fancy zoo like fenced enclosure that has a chicken coop that is a replica of a hillbilly shack. The girls see me walking through the garden, on my way to feed them… and I hear a “waaaaack waaaaaaAAAAckkK.” Then 18 hens repeat that and they crowd up at the gate, waiting for me. It’s a little scary. I have to shoo them away so I can get inside the pen. There are two hens that are bold and try to sit on my feet. They love me. Thankfully I don’t have to worry that someone will ever eat them as these are considered to be “pets.” The neighbor from the ranch behind this property collects the eggs and shares with his friends… because these hens are an egg factory. If I didn’t feed the hens and if the neighbor didn’t gather the eggs, then my dad couldn’t have kept his precious chickens. They are kind of fascinating.


  3. June,
    If you replaced your chairs with armless ones that could slide under the table, you’d have a lot more room, which I’m sure you’ve already thought of. For fun, I googled reproduction Formica table and got a bunch of hits. Lots of cute table chair combos on Etsy, right out of I Love Lucy. Prices seem to average around $200 for a table and two chairs. That’s for originals, not reproductions. I wish that’s what I’d bought when I downsized!

    Enjoy your blog very much, and even more so in these days of hibernation.


  4. Oh god. Just thought of an amusing story I saw yesterday. I belong to a group where you can post Crap Wildlife pics. So we can all have a laugh.

    Well. Someone in Australia (of course) took a picture of two sneks [sic] entwined on a post in a metal shed. For some reason said Aussie was sleeping in this shed and she said the sound of Snek Sex kept her up all night.

    When probed further about the sound of Snek Sex…she said it was the slapping of their tails against the metal shed side as they moved around.

    My god.


  5. Yeaaaahhhh. No getting away from snakes. They climb, the swim, they”stand up”, they can “jump” from tree to tree. And here we all are with arms and legs and most of us barely do any of that. Weird creatures. Anyway.

    Can you store the table of Peg the Food Poisoning in your shed?

    I think a nice table with fold down leafs would be very nice. Formica would be so nice too. Hopefully you can find something…nice. lol


  6. Another hilarious post. Good luck to FL (I thought that was Florida in another comment, I’m really show today). Peg’s table is really a nice piece of furniture, look at the pie crust edge and the pattern on the top how the wood meets and matches. A drop-leaf table might work. Look on Craig’s List for a table. Greensboro is in the heart of quality furniture country. In 1932 the house probably would probably have had some type of wooden table that served as an eating table and work space in the kitchen. I’m guessing ladder back chairs with woven cane bottoms would be around that wooden table.
    Banks make my blood boil. I would be in the bank in their face demanding my money be returned, well maybe not in their face, pandemic.


    1. I have no idea why the summerfield is in that title and no yours isn’t spelled that way….wooo oo oooo
      It is in the listing.


  7. So young Mr. Forest is getting his pockets picked tomorrow. No more having those bitches smelling so gooood which would drive him crazy! I’m sure he will thank you later.


  8. Lovely post, June. I vote white wooden table with drop leaves. I grew up with formica, hence the eh and the agreement with your mother that they are cold. Winter morning, hands and arms on a formica table=shivers in my world. But you know the look you want and you always end up with the right way of getting it. It will be fun to see what you come up with.


  9. You might watch for auctions. You can get furniture cheap there and might get lucky and find a vintage formica one.


  10. I quit smoking cold turkey 25 years ago. I wish I could stop eating crap food and too much of it that easily.
    Good luck to Forest, although they day it’s an easy surgery.


    1. Exactly what I was going to say. Quitting cold turkey was relatively easy. Why can’t I apply that to food?


  11. You got me thinking about 1930s kitchen tables – my grandma had this one and I LOVED it. The leaves slide under the top which is SO BRILLIANT. I had a similar table when we were first married but it was wood and it expanded lengthwise vs width – I thought it was so old fashioned that I couldn’t wait to dump it. WHAT A DUMMY I WAS. I hate trying to figure out where to store the leaves for my dining room table.


  12. Don’t store that table if you get a new one. You’ll never bring it down again and it will just languish up there. I wish I could find a Formica set but it would be so out of place in my kitchen. The reproductions are nice but so expensive. Someone said they thought the retro chairs looked uncomfortable. I agree, but what other style chair could you use with a Formica table? I can’t think of anything else that would look good, unless you had those benches that were in the previous post about the retro kitchen remodel.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. First, I meant to comment on the new header picture yesterday. What is going on with that mans facial hair?
    Also, I too have a similar table conundrum. We inherited my in-law’s kitchen chairs and table. They are nice, but not particularly my style. But I feel guilt at the notion of suggesting we get something else. And we do not have an attic for storage, so. But my grandparents had a metal/formica table and chairs and I would love to have a set like that.
    Nth, I love Forest’s blep mouth in that first picture.


    1. What is going on with those costumes? And which ones are costumes and which ones are not? And the ones that are costumes — what are they supposed to be? I’m so confused.

      Liked by 2 people

  14. So I know nothing re: cat man parts. Or man cat parts as it were. So correct me if I’m wrong, but losing the, well, production situation doesn’t affect the delivery apparatus, does it? I mean, he can still do the deed just not make the tiny kittens happen, right?

    That table is delightful, but the chairs are too much for a smaller space. What if you just got better scaled chairs? (Asking just so everyone will move on from my ignorance of the man machine.)

    Liked by 1 person

      1. NEWP. My cat Albert is fixed. However, he is constantly all over Phyllis (also a cat). Now, admittedly, Phyllis was a breeder so he knows she is/was easy. She was also fixed and wants NO PART of these shenanigans. She howls and smacks him. But Albert persists. He makes his move every time he sees her. This is why she spends a good portion of her life hiding downstairs, I am quite sure. I asked the vet about this, and she said it was more of a dominance thing. Umm. No. Albert is clearly the alpha cat. This is all about the sex. Sex, sex, sex.


    1. After his surgery, I don’t think Forest will be interested in doing the deed. No more afternoon delight or midnight express or caterwauling with females, if you get my drift.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. A formica table would look amazing in your kitchen, but they do seem hard to find at reasonable prices. Maybe check with Kit and her store? I’ve had luck on FB Marketplace and Craigs list as well, but it takes patience to scroll thru everyone’s random crap to find the treasures. I can’t get over how fast Forrest Lawn grew, so fluffy! Good luck to him and parting with his headstones. Thank you for the hilarious post.


  16. The numbers are very low in the county where we stayed last weekend. Much lower than the county where my house is. I kept my shopping down to my three favorite spots, wore masks, ate in socially distanced outdoor places (on an inside porch on one) and stayed in a motel which is way more socially distanced than a B&B. I felt pretty safe.


    1. I live in a destination town, one block of the charming town Square. Our bars are open as are the shops. The big city close to us have high and rising numbers and are still shutdown. The B&B across the street from me barely has 4 hours between guests as opposed to the 48 they are supposed to have. The week after labor day our covid numbers doubled and have continued to skyrocket. We went from 19 deaths Oct 1 to 35. There was a huge wedding at the Inn down the street and all of their employees were infected. It was a super spreader event. So.. yeah…

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Oh my god, everything about this post is hilarious. I love your chairs and think a little formica table would be excellent. Don’t banks drive you friggin crazy?? I get the same way when I have to speak to my insurance company. I have a problem though – no matter how busy I am or, like today, have one hour to get some work done before a call, I see the email notification that you’ve posted and I’m, well, powerless. Damn – ok back to work. I know have 50 minutes….

    Liked by 1 person

  18. not helpful, but your home screams for a 50s style Formica table and chairs. I wish they didn’t cost so danged much!

    good luck with Forest today!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I like both the 50s style formica or the table w drop down sides. Ive seen a few listed on auction sites or estate sales. Usually in wood but paint! Only downside is the chairs that usually “go” with the 50s formica table do not look that comfortable.

        I do hope that means you dont owe them a car payment next month.


  19. I love Peg’s table. It’s elegant and simple all at once. It fits well in there and you can seat 4 people comfortably. It’s warm like the rest of your house. Formica is cold. I hope you will keep what you have.


  20. Forest is so fluffy! I love your little house. I would like a smaller house but my Husband will never move.
    Lovely post, June


  21. I doubt there would be snakes in your attic, they want to stay low to the ground where it’s cool. Bats, on the other hand, are a definite possibility.


      1. I always like seeing bats flying around at dusk. However, I wasn’t as thrilled to find one inside our house and the big bucks we had to pay to the guy who came out to remove him. Maybe we should have just made him little scarves and petted his head and named him Bat Boy.


  22. (Advice you surely didn’t ask for)
    Maybe try stalking your FB local marketplace for a Parson’s table. People sell really great solid furniture on there for cheaper than you can buy new IKEA stuff. You can then paint it white with chalk paint. When the right one eventually shows up, you’ll have the cash to pay for it.

    Liked by 3 people

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