Sand is just rocks that grew old—June Handy

Mr. Lawn, of the recently neutered Lawns, is highly annoyed that he can’t go outside. The vet instructions said no playing ball in the house and also no going outside. Are we the last generation to get all Brady Bunch references like they’re our second language or will the millennials also know these from reruns?

Also, just to be annoying, Edsel has asked to go out FOUR TIMES this morning and I haven’t been awake an hour yet. So then I have to panickedly let him out in a rush, lest we have the charging of the Forest, and it rankles. The last thing Edsel ever wants to do is rankle me but he did. I swear he goes out there and forgets why he’s in that room.

…Ah. As I’ve typed you, I can see the pain pill is kicking in, a pill I don’t think Forest Lawn needs today but that will ensure he will rest and not tear outside to get dirt in his parts. It’s his last one, so I can’t drug him into submission after this.

Anyway, hi. That’s the last I have to say about that, maybe. I’m at my kitchen table this morning. Below is the current situation, now with drug eyes.

Here’s my outside view, and would it KILL me to put the chairs back facing the right way when I’m done with them??

The yard looks pretty, doesn’t it? Let me tell you what’s back there right now: acorns. The lawn guy fertilized my yard some weeks back, with grass seed, so he can’t BLOW the yard, lest the seeds just blow all over yonder. So although he cut my grass recently, the acorns remain.

And I don’t just mean some acorns. It’s the difference between the Hershey with Almonds and those bars you can buy for a dollar to raise funds, where every millimeter has an almond in it. Walking across my yard is like walking on a beach that has rocks instead of sand. I realize sand is just rocks that got old, but you know what I mean. We’re talking acorns, is what I mean.

Doesn’t it mean a hard winter, if you have a lot of acorns? Do you wish I’d say “acorns” more often?

Does anyone know what kind of winter we’re supposed to have? I was recently on a walk with someone in my quarantine bubble—there are like four people I’ll see—and we happened upon a persimmon tree. “Oh!” I said, because I am Dick, Jane and Sally. “Oh! Oh! If you cut a persimmon, the seed shape inside tells you what kind of winter it’s supposed to be!”

It’s true. Well. You know. “True.” If it looks like a fork, it’s mild weather. Spoon-shaped means lots of snow to shovel. A knife means cutting, bitterly cold. This was maybe a month ago so hang on while I scroll my phone looking for the cut persimmon. Let me get your opinion on this …

OK, what the hell is this? Cause it looks like a seed to me. How the hell can we predict anything with this vague seed? Geez. You try to be scientific.

Is it a spoon? It looks more like a thought bubble.

Anyway, I have to go. As per usual, I have to begin working and also spend the whole day monitoring the door. Doing some deForestation.

God, I’m hilarious.

Love,
June

58 Comments

  1. My dogs ran away more than once this week. I have been here five months. Why now? We have an acre and that cheap wiry fence that is not chicken wire but blocks. They have a huge backyard, this property is an acre. There are woods behind the fence and deer and they are fascinated with/love chasing the deer. There is a mobile home park behind us and two lovely people there have helped me get them back. They are only allowed out on their leashes now. Dummies. We may get some kennel runs at Tractor Supply. I hate to do it. I am going to attempt to patch a hole in the fence or pay someone else to do it. Speaking of acorns there was cap to one in my bed last night. How did those little devil dogs bring it here?

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  2. Forest Lawn is going to be a magnificent cat when is is all grown up. And now that he has been “tutored” he can fill out nicely.

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  3. Your backyard is mesmerizingly gorgeous. If I had a “yard person” that was reliable, this is what I would love. However, what I have, is rocks and lots of pine needles, like Just Paula – and I have given up on yard guys as they do not show up. So sigh. Rocks it is. But maybe someone will take me in when I am really really old – ha ha… and they will have a yard like this! Love your non blog – makes my day tolerable!

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  4. Just this year I became a front porch sitter. I have a perfectly lovely backyard, but in front I get to see all the dogs that walk their owners past my house. And naturally I know no one’s name, but refer to them as the Golden Doodle and shitzu lady or the brindle boxer man.

    We have one dog that routinely forgets why she wanted out. Before her front paws hit the patio she’s bark bark barking at god knows what. And I’m out there whisper screaming “GO POTTY” at 5AM like a loon.

    Lovely post lovely June! You are indeed hilarious!

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  5. For what it’s worth, I’m an elder Millennial (almost 40) and I get all of your Brady Bunch refs (I hate myself for saying “refs”). But we are probably the last generation that watched actual TV and not having everything on-demand as the kids these days have. *Shakes fist in the air*

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  6. How do you get that pill down Forest? My kitty is having heart problems and going on medication. I’ve never had to give her pills before.

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    1. He’s easy to pill. I get behind the cat, open the cat mouth, jam pill way in then stroke cat’s neck so they swallow. Iris, however, is unpillable. She will foam at the mouth for as long as it takes.

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  7. I read about a weather predictor beautifully called “the whiteness of the breastbone of a goose.” I have not tried this method myself.

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    1. Dear Poet, p. 27, …Snotflower. I parcel out the poems in this book the way I do when I get a box of my favorite chocolates and eat only one a day when all is quiet and I can close my eyes and savor it. I’m one of those people who has a whole long shelf of books of poetry. This is only the first of books by this beautiful author that I will read, savor, and add to my treasured collection. And I spare a few moments to think of your astonishing husband and your love for him.

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      1. My neighbor’s mom always said if the cows were laying/lying (I forgot the rule) the fish are not biting.
        Tee

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  8. You all and your ridiculous superstitions. The true predictors of weather are cows, are they lying down or standing up and what direction are they facing, and wooly worms.
    B. It is a mast year for acorns. The bears are ecstatic. Google clucking it.
    3. While reading about and looking at Mr. Lawn I had a quiet moment in my heart with Fran and his hat and glasses and booties and then my shoulders started to laugh shake like they do when you’re not supposed to laugh at a funeral but you remember the most hilarious thing the deceased did.
    IV. This was an amazingly delightful post and I love your backyard and all your blog fodder.

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    1. I was thinking about that very thing yesterday and got to laughing like a fool. How odd for us to be thinking about poor drugged Fran,her tiny accessories and the posing for the photo shoot. Now I have the giggles again…poor Fran.

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  9. I love Forest! He looks like our best cat named Shaggy. Good luck with keeping him in. Our current black cat has broken through the screens in all the windows he can reach.
    Your backyard is at peak perfection ! Except for the acorns of course.

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  10. I grew up with all those “predict the weather through nature” tales, too. Supposedly, all the acorns this year are another indicator of a rough winter ahead. We picked persimmons a few weekends ago and I managed to get one seed opened without destroying it – those little suckers are tough to crack open without crushing them! It was a shovel – no doubt! I don’t know how to attach a photo to my comment – or you could see it. I’m stocking up on ice melt for the driveway.

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  11. What’s with the multitude of acorns this year? They are everywhere. The deer are eating them, but they need to invite their friends and family for acorn appetizers.

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    1. The white part. I HOPE it’s a shovel! It only snowed once here last winter and it was the day after my surgery so I was barely coherent for it. Did you know I had surgery?

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  12. Oy with the acorns already. My driveway is littered with them and it’s like walking on marbles to get to my car. Well, ok, not exactly because most of the acorns crunch when I step on them but a few are heartier and dangerous. I otherwise like acorns because they are cute with their little hats. It’s like a plain nut was going out and needed a hat. I also have pounds of ^%$#$%&* pine needles and they are NOT cute and are not wearing hats and constantly get in my house. Their brethren, the pine cone, is ok, but I could live very nicely never seeing another effing pine needle. Even after the landscaper guys blow (hee, I’m twelve), there are always more pine needles.

    I never knew that the persimmon was a weather tool. Look at that persimmon all multi-tasking and shit, making the mango and papaya look like slackers.

    Acorn and Persimmon are excellent cat names.

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              1. Dammit, that was my one and only moment in the sun around here. After that, back to mundaneness and obscurity. I might have to start some trouble.

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  13. Poor drugged-up Forest. I’m sure he’s feeling pretty good by now. Boys bounce back like it was nothing.

    Dumb confusing persimmons. Look for a praying mantis nest. They supposedly build them as high as the snow will be.

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  14. Your backyard is so lovely! Your fence is at the perfect phase of weathering – not brand new looking and not totally gray. It is the stage I wish to freeze a fence in time, but it cannot be done (reasonably).
    I don’t know from persimmons, so can we talk about that header photo? I mean that guy on the left doesn’t just have some sideburns; he has SIDEBURNS. ( !!! ) wow. Above all, I particularly adore the Side-Eye of Disappointment on Batman there.

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  15. Your backyard is so pretty, such a nice retreat and safe place for the animals, as long as they stay away from the snake she’d.
    I have no idea about the winter indicators. My grandmother that grew up in western North Carolina had all sorts of indicators that we used to make fun of, but realized she was right when she said the cats are playing (at my house it’s running fits), bad weather is coming. The day before the last round of tornadoes my cat was going nuts, of course she only does that when we’re trying to go to bed at night. Next night about the same time we were hunkered down in the basement because of tornado warnings. So, after years of being the staff of many cats we have learned to pay attention to their weather reports. Those awful sweet gum balls are the same way as acorns.

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  16. Poor, drugged Forest. He has the sweetest face. Hopefully once the drugs are done he can venture out a bit. I like your backyard. It’s cozy and inviting. And the animals obviously love it, too. Have a great weekend enjoying your fur children and your charming home.

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      1. Only problem enjoying the backyard you miss what’s going on in front of your house. [Laughing emoji]

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        1. The woman who used to live here is someone I know. She worked the front desk at work and was lovely. Every morning she got up and sat on this front porch to do her devotions. “I know I should be in the backyard cause it’s so pretty,” she told me, “but I love to see what’s going on.” I feel her on this.

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